Need help just found out yesterday that husband is cheating

[betrayed_by_husband]

I have been married for 18 years. For the last two years, there have half a dozen times when I suspected he was cheating. I believed his excuses and went on. Yesterday, I found proof of their affair in hotel receipts, etc. I confronted him and he finally confessed because there was no way to deny it. He has been seeing her for 2 years. He has gone on trips with her, gone on dates, and seen her at her home for two years. He admits to sleeping with her for 20 times or more. He says he has broken it off many times because he knows he didn't want to leave me but he goes back to her. Now, he says that being discovered is a "wake up" call for him and he is ready to break it up with her and work on our marriage. He said she is mad at him anyway because he hasn't left the marriage. We have two kids and a very nice home. I make the same as him salary wise. He says he doesn't want to disrupt our kids and wants to work on the marriage. He has been cold and distant with us for two years. I wonder if he is sincere or he wants to keep our lifestyle rather than our marriage. He had two years of opportunity to change his course but didn't. I've been crying for three days and don't know what to do. Advise, please!

[SimoneTiger]

You already know the right thing to do. Let's see what's going on...

 

1. There have been half a dozen instances over the past years when you had hints that you husband is cheating, yet you went against your intuition. Don't repeat this mistake in the future, and do what your intuition dictates--it will be right.

 

2. He says he has tried to break off his affair, but went back to her every single time. Odds are, he won't miraculously become a better man--if you stay with him you are just giving him another chance to do what he was unable to do for two years. Once again, consult your intuition and guess what the outcome of this one will be, whether he will be able to end the affair this time, whether he will be able to keep his marriage vows this time, and not simply replace his current mistress with someone else in the future.

 

3. He says that she is mad at him anyway because he would not break up the marriage. What if she wasn't "mad at him anyway?" The mere fact that he said that to you, that he is still thinking about her and regarding her feelings a priority--well, what does that tell you?

 

4. You ask yourself whether he wants the lifestyle as opposed to the marriage. Well, ask yourself, what kind of marriage is this if he has been cold and distant to you and your children for so long? You know the answer to this one, as well.

 

5. He does not want to disrupt the children? What a pathetic excuse... Ask him, did he ever think about the children when he was taking her on trips? When he was undressing her, when he was deceiving his family and lying not only to you but to his children as well? The damage is already done.

 

... Yes, I sound bitter and my advice is probably not what you want to hear. I have been there, and looking back... I cried for months, not days, and so will you. But know that there is only one way to go:

 

He is a cheater and a lier who does not respect you and your children and treats you as a convenience. If you take him back, that's what you get: a cheater and a lier who will never give you the respect you deserve. At this point, he is nothing short of a piece of garbage which you need to get rid of, regardless of how much pain and hurt it will put you through. In the end, you are better off without him.

 

Simone

 

Ps. Do yourself a favour and get checked for STDs immediately.

[melrich]

I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is do you really want to save this marriage. The second is do you really think you can.

 

It is very difficult to get trust back into a relationship after something like this and it is difficult to maintain a relationship without trust. If you decide to try and salvage your marriage you will have to be prepared for a lot of work and some difficult times. I would recommend that you both see a counsellor and get some assistance.

 

Don't take his word for it that he will change. His actions need to speak louder than his words. Make it clear that there are no more chances available to him. He has to work twice as hard as you to make things work.

[bungle]

Sorry to her your problems, you need to try figure out why your husband cheated on you, are there other problems in you relationship?

 

Is your relationship working, I sound like you have a nice life it could just be a sex thing (speaking from a mans point of view)

 

It could be that this is a wake up call for your husband and you can work through it. Makes my problem seem insignificant (read my post) If you still ove your husband and he loves you, you should be able to work it out.

[annie24]

Oh honey - I am so sad to hear this! this is terrible! I agree with gabe, you should decide if this marriage is worth saving. Next, you two should probably go to marriage counseling to try to work things out. Perhaps he is being geniune about wanting to work things out with you and never cheating again. still, you two have to build up trust again, and move aside resentment. Book an appointment ASAP for a marriage counselor. I think that there are probably tons of books out there on starting over after an affair.

 

Best of luck to you!

[sisterlynch]

How does he know her? Thru work or an activity that they share?

 

Why would he tell you, what is he hoping to gain?

 

Having your lifestyle to maintain isn't really the basis of a true marriage or partnership is it?

 

If you are living outside of his love and fantasy already, why would you wish to stay in that type of a relationship? What is he offering to you, other than the appearance that everything is ok?

[Altaleks]

From my experience in dealing with a cheating spouse, I would say get a good attorney and DONT BE NICE about it! I'm sorry if that seems blunt, but I have gone through what you are, and there are several things that I would like to share...

 

1st and foremost Trust is gone, and can never be repaired. Once that is violated no matter what you will alway have that uneasy feeling in the back of your mind and that question. That's a lot to deal with for the rest of your life.

 

2nd I think that once someone cheats, it's most likely that they will cheat again. Trick me Once shame on you... trick me twice, shame on me.

 

3rd Of all things if you have kids and your spouse has put their own carnal pleasures in front of you and them, then are they really worth keeping? .... mine did exactly that, including leaving them home alone at night while she cheated and I was at work... And that's a sin that I could never forgive.

 

There are many more reasons, but I think the best way to decide is to look at the past couple of years of feeling isolated, alone, and suspicious and then ask yourself if your willing to go through it all again? Often we can't see for forest for the trees when we are in the middle of a troubled relationship, and we by nature cling to trying to make things work for fear of change, and many other more personal reasons... for me it was that I made a commitment for better or worse, and would not accept that it was over until I felt I did everything in my power to try and save the relationship and make it work. But that takes two with the same attitude to make that happen and if that was his attitude then he never would have cheated in the first place.

 

If you do decide to end it, I would recommend getting a good attorney, and being very cold legally about the whole thing... as if you are like me you probably hate confrontation, discourse and ugliness and tend to be very reasonable. But you can't go into a divorce and be that way or you will end up with a losing hand legally... and it is much better to start off hard and work to a fair compromise than to compromise and then try and get hard you have already set the prescidence and the opposing side will definitely exploit anything kindness or tolerance you display.

 

Again sorry to sound so harsh and evil as that is not me, but I am just stating my feelings, deep down inside you probably already know what you are going to do, but just want to see some other viewpoints to make sure of your intended course of action.

 

Take Care and best of luck, Aleks

[DN]

Don't decide anything until you have your emotions more under control. Then decide what you want. If you want to get the marriage back on track see a counsellor to help you put the pieces back together. He should explain why he cheated and what reassurances he can give that he won't do it again. You need to find out if there was anything you did to contribute to the problems, if you can forgive him and if you can accept his reassurances.

 

If you decide you do not want to continue with the marriage then separate and divorce as amicably as you can. Bitter divorces help no one and are especially hard on children.

[nikki19]

You must be devastated. My heart goes out to you. I have been married for 15 years, and just recently have been struggling with my husband and porn. That seems like fluff after reading what you have been going through.

Like others here, I think your intuition is probably telling you what you need to do.

If you decide to try to save the marriage, will you ever be able to trust him again? Will you be suspicious every time he leaves the house? Are you a forgiving person? Plus this is all dependent on whether he's really serious about rebuilding trust and totally disconnecting himself from the ho You really have to ask yourself if you can live this way. Personally I know I'd have a hard time getting those images out of my head. The hurt would just be too much. You may be different. Oh, and that comment about her being mad at him anyway, well...he deserved a slap accross the face for that one. Who gives a rats azz what her feelings are.

It would be a big decision to leave a marriage of 18 years, where there are kids, and a nice home and lifestyle have been established. But living in torment in a nice house doesn't make the pain go away any easier. Kids are smart, they know when things aren't right even when the parents think they've hidden it well. The thought of leaving everthing you know and going solo sounds really scarey. It would mean downsizing, sacraficing, etc. (unless you take him for everthing he's worth hehe). You may just find you have more inner strength than you even imagined. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.

Whatever you decide, it needs to be what is right for YOU, not so much for the kids because whats best for them is when mom is HAPPY, and definetly not for him.

Best of luck to you in what you decide to do. Keep us posted on how things are going, and remember there's always someone here to listen. I'll check back to see if you've posted.

 

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))