Altaleks

It sounds like you're in a real fix with a year to go before you finally get to the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't really quite know what to tell you except that it sounds from your description that you are doing all the right things to get to where you need to be and have your priorities straight. For what it's worth we all go throught periods where it seems as though well never get through and can't progress fast enough towards relief. For me when things get tough and I feel like I'm pushing the limit I try to take a moment and remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Pardon me for getting a little spiritual but in my eyes it's all about growth and learning lessons, some pleasant some not so pleasant. It's how we deal with adversity and hardship that matters, and learning the lessons from every event or situation that is set before us, which is something that far too many don't do, only to have to repeat the same lesson in a different guise later on. Perhaps the lesson is tolerance? or finding a way to center yourself despite chaos or discord? But rest assured that the situation won't last forever (although it may seem like it). There is also a story that has been told in many fashions and forms that has to do with breaking down life and wizdom into one simple statement that if remembered and thought about applies to all situations both good and bad... "This Too, Shall Pass". If you do a web search for that statement you may find it both interesting and relevant. Good Luck and Keep your Chin up.

A story: A good friend of mine had grandparents that hated each other... Five minutes in the room together and they were bickering and being ugly. But you know His Grandpa had the most beautiful vegtable garden in the county. Some would say he really had a passion for it or that he really just loved to grow things. The truth is his garden was his escape and all the energy that should have been going into a positive relationship with his wife was instead put into his garden... it was his escape from dealing with other issues. It sounds to me like perhaps your brother is doing the same thing... using work and making money as an escape from dealing with something else that is very unpleasant for him, or that he feels he cannot change. It's funny that in our society things like this are often considered positive like "He's a real Go Getter!" just as in my story it would be "He has a real passion for Gardening!"... but the truth is that it's really no different from someone using drugs, alcohol, sex or any other obsessive behavior as a way to escape dealing with other issues. Getting your brother to see this will be difficult, but perhaps if instead of taking the direct approach (which has obviously met with stiff resistance), instead take an interest in his "Passion"... talk to him about work in a positive way and take interest.. ask him how he does it and focus on the postive side of what he's doing. and when you get a quiet moment ask him what things in life he is not happy with, or better yet tell him something that you were not happy with in yours where you compensated someplace else and realized what you were doing and decided to deal with the real issues and how happy you are that you did (hint hint). Of course this is all just my opinion from my experiences, but often for me I have found that the best way to get someone to see something is to plant the seed and let them figure it out and make the Idea their own.. Not someone else "Telling Them" what to do etc. Hope this helps.

There are many walking in your shoes... Myself included. It sounds like being a loner bothers you, and to be honest I think that most people who aren't social go through periods of feeling down about it and being a little jealous of those who seem to be socially accepted etc. I think the truth is that there are a lot more people who are not social animals than you might think, and you shouldn't be too worried or upset by this. Our society and the media push many stereotypes and concepts of what "Normal" is into our psyche's and often cause more harm than good, especially to those who don't fall into the media proclaimed "Normal" catagory. Instead of looking at the negatives of being an introvert (or loner or even anti-social if you want to call it that). First being an introvert has the benefit of independance- You are probably much more self sufficient than most in a wider variety of areas because of not relying on friends to help with those things you are either not so good at or don't care for. Second, you have more freedom both of thought and action (which can be very enlightening) as if you look closely you will find that most people who are highly social have to go along with the crowd... too much deviation and it will hurt their social status, and when part of a social group or clique often the focus and breadth of experience is limited to common ground and just by virtue of experiencing more similar viewpoints and thoughts many other thoughts / Ideas / views become obscured. And Third you will probably find that your ability to clearly see and percieve / understand the world around you is far more developed than your more social counterparts. That is not to say you won't continue to struggle from time to time with the desire to be more social. But my experience with attempting to be more social is that once I infiltrate (LOL) a social group it doesn't take too long for me to realize that I am far too independent to maintain more than a few enlightened friends, and that the grass is usually only more green when viewed from the other side of the fence. BTW, I'm now almost 44 so what you are expressing is not a matter of youth or background etc. And like most things everything gets easier to deal with as you get older, although your tolerance level might get a little shorter.

Perhaps I am off here... but after reading the link article I have a very sour taste in my mouth. I do believe that I most likely qualify for the title of mensch, however the impression the article gave me was that the goal is to capture or to manipulate with the goal being to marry the proverbial "Nice Guy". Sorry if I am mistaken here in my impression (which I may be as it's late and I'm a bit tired), but it sounds to me like the whole Idea is to marry based on rewards / gain, not Love. To me the whole purpose of looking for a mate is to find my soul-mate.. the one who makes me feel whole and who I make feel whole, faults and all. The Chemistry has to be there and it's all something that is sensed.. not done by equasion or by learning to do just the right things to attract etc, as if you can't just be yourself in the first place how long are you going to be willing to continue it for your partners sake? ... I may take some flack for this post, but just felt compelled to post anyway.

I can only speak for myself, but if I were you I would take positive action... Do what you have to do to be able to end the relationship without her having a legal leg to stand on. covertly record conversations, videos, if she plays on the internet get some big brother software and track log etc. and be the first to take legal action. I know all of this sounds harsh, but after going through my last divorce and having my ex plan on taking the kids and me to the cleaner so she could continue to not work and live off of me when the truth was her wanting the kids had nothing to do with their wellbeing, only hers, and guilt trips and ugliness were all tools to give her the upper hand. Fortunately in my case it did not work. I got wise and took whatever actions were necessary to keep my kids and have her removed from the home. My kids are much better off and so am I, it's been two years now and and the kids are thriving and I am much happier than I have been in many years. So my advice to you it to get out of the relationship... but don't wait until you absolutely can't handle it anymore and just end it.. Think through what is best for you and your kids and then take positive steps to make it happen. Yes there will be ugliness, and trauma... but do your best to make going through it for your kids and your benefit... just my two cents worth here.

You are Absolutely doing the right thing... as if he is willing to get divorced over his addiction then he obviously hasn't hit his own rock bottom yet. He has to make his own conscious decision that his habit is not worth the price he is paying for it and take action for himself, not for you or anyone else as the fix won't last and whoever pressured him will end up on the losing end. The other side of the equasion is that an addict will often find someone to support them (an enabler) and enable them to continue their addiction and Love and Guilt are wonderful tools for the addict. So walk away, it will hurt but the truth is you are doing far better for him by letting him reap the consequences for his actions than you could do with all the love in the world, and hopefully he will at some point see that He can no longer pay the price for the addiction and get some help. And you can heal and get on with your life, and if you are having a hard time dealing with your feelings please seek some professional help, there is no shame in that and you may find that it will give you an entirely fresh perspective on the whole situation.

In your situation I would'nt be too hard on yourself or take blame. First, the fact is that the vast majority of relationships DON'T work out, sometimes it may be somebody's fault, but more often than not in LTR's it a matter of people growing / changing. As far as the being suspicious thing goes, if it's out of character I would question it... there could be something wrong or someone could be doing wrong. If it's on your mind not addressing it would be a problem on your part, just as it would be if your partner didn't feel they could be open with you. As far as the Cheating thing goes, from reading your post would have questioned her and as things kept happening confronted her as things progressed, and I say that from experience as up until two years ago I was married and faithful, and trusted my partner. What ended up was a lot of Jerry Springer stuff and a very ugly divorce and I now know that she had been cheating for the duration of the marraige (8 yrs). And you know what... all of those little inconsistancies that I always remembered because they seemed off or out of character were all affairs.. and I couldn't / didn't see it until the lid finally blew off and only then could I see the pattern and how things were manipulated all along. So get help if you feel you need to, but please take the time to get out of the forest far enough that you can see the trees before you take blame or guilt on to yourself... you may find that "your" problems were not flaws of your own, but guilt trips played on you to keep you off balance so you wouldn't see what may have been going on all along. Take Care...

There's definitely no fixed answer on that one.. For me It seems for any LTR it's definitely a good while, as it takes time for all the fog to lift after ending a bad relationship. It's been almost a year for me now, and I'd like to start dating or find someone, but I still feel lingering after effects from my marraige of almost eight years and I don't want to go into another relationship with any emotional baggage for sure. Another importantant point (at least to me) is that if you were in a bad relationship you go for a period of time without much spiritual / life growth due to all your efforts in trying to make the relationship work, If thats the case with you then allow yourself some time for growth and change... as for me I have always had sort of a personal renaissance. Good Luck, and hope things work out.

From my experience in dealing with a cheating spouse, I would say get a good attorney and DONT BE NICE about it! I'm sorry if that seems blunt, but I have gone through what you are, and there are several things that I would like to share... 1st and foremost Trust is gone, and can never be repaired. Once that is violated no matter what you will alway have that uneasy feeling in the back of your mind and that question. That's a lot to deal with for the rest of your life. 2nd I think that once someone cheats, it's most likely that they will cheat again. Trick me Once shame on you... trick me twice, shame on me. 3rd Of all things if you have kids and your spouse has put their own carnal pleasures in front of you and them, then are they really worth keeping? .... mine did exactly that, including leaving them home alone at night while she cheated and I was at work... And that's a sin that I could never forgive. There are many more reasons, but I think the best way to decide is to look at the past couple of years of feeling isolated, alone, and suspicious and then ask yourself if your willing to go through it all again? Often we can't see for forest for the trees when we are in the middle of a troubled relationship, and we by nature cling to trying to make things work for fear of change, and many other more personal reasons... for me it was that I made a commitment for better or worse, and would not accept that it was over until I felt I did everything in my power to try and save the relationship and make it work. But that takes two with the same attitude to make that happen and if that was his attitude then he never would have cheated in the first place. If you do decide to end it, I would recommend getting a good attorney, and being very cold legally about the whole thing... as if you are like me you probably hate confrontation, discourse and ugliness and tend to be very reasonable. But you can't go into a divorce and be that way or you will end up with a losing hand legally... and it is much better to start off hard and work to a fair compromise than to compromise and then try and get hard you have already set the prescidence and the opposing side will definitely exploit anything kindness or tolerance you display. Again sorry to sound so harsh and evil as that is not me, but I am just stating my feelings, deep down inside you probably already know what you are going to do, but just want to see some other viewpoints to make sure of your intended course of action. Take Care and best of luck, Aleks

First, no I'm not a "Holy Roller" and I'm not going to use the "G" word, although I do believe in him. After reading your post I wanted to share a little something that I have learned the hard way over the years that has made a big difference in my life, and how I view and deal with things, especially the hard things, which in my case have always been in the emotional arena. This is kindof hard for me to put into words, so please bear with me... I believe that we are all here for a purpose and that we all have a destiny in this life, it may not be a grand destiny, but we all have one. My personal feelings are that we are here to learn and grow, to become stronger and wiser spiritually, and that when our time here ends, it's not the end of the book, but rather just the end of a chapter of our souls existence. I also believe that this life is not necessarily the only one we will have in this realm... as I believe that we can have any number of lives and that number depends on us, as until we grow and mature enough to be able to handle whatever comes next our time here is not complete. That all being said, I try to look at every day and every adversity not just as bad luck or anything of the sort, rather I choose to look at it all as being given the opportunity to learn and grow. I am recently separated and going through a divorce at this time.. and for me the last couple of years have been very traumatic and hard beyond anything I have had to deal with in the past, and there has been some big humiliation and having very personal things broadcast to the public of a small town involved too. But when I look at everything I think that it all happens for a reason, and that is for me to learn and grow. So rather than look back and worry, or think "Why Me?" or allow it to paralyze me I have to stop and take a hard look. This happenend for a reason, and there IS something I am supposed to get out of this... a challenge for growth, a lesson to learn not just physically or verbally but to take to the heart and spirit. Weather I choose to ignore it, or grow from it is entirely up to me, but I know that if I do not learn from it, it will be presented again in another fashion. I can't tell you exactly what you were supposed to learn or how you are supposed to grow, all I can tell you is to look beyond the physical ramifications and discomfort, and instead of looking outside in the material world, look inside in your heart and spirit and hopefully then you can grow and go beyond this lesson. Just remember that everything happens for a reason and often that reason will not become apparent until much later on in life. Take Care, Aleks