what to do with my fiancee

[exreturn]

my fiance and i were together for 3 years and fighting but we also had really good times. i live in the usa and she lives in peru and i would go visit her for 6 months or sometimes 4 months each year. we have a daughter and she is almost 2 years old now. we broke up last year and after some months we were good again, technically we were together again since we were saying each other i love you i want to be with you forever, sharing naked pictures, videos, making wedding plans, etc. a week ago she told me she was dating a guy and had sex 5 times during 2 months while leaving my daughter with her grandma during the sex dates, they even hanged out with my daughter but she didnt like him. they had a fight and never saw each other again. she waited 1 month to tell me this and i was devastated, she said yes we were having sex cam and saying i love you to each other and making wedding plans but u never told me we were back together also i will never see him again it was a big mistake. what should i do now i love her a lot and ahe cried a lot and she says shes so sorry

[gebaird]

There are two questions you need to ask yourself at this point:

 

1) Can you forgive her for what she did?

 

If the answer to this question is no, you'll carry a heavy burden until you can turn it into a yes. I recommend therapy and self-development work; it could take many years.

 

2) Can you learn to trust her again?

 

Trust can take years to rebuild, but you may not even have the emotional strength or desire to make an attempt. If you discover (now or later) that the answer to this question is no, you can no longer be in a romantic relationship with her. You'll need to figure out how to be a good long-distance father to your daughter even though things didn't work out with her mother.

 

I am very concerned about the fact that she is using "You never told me we were back together" as an excuse for this behavior. Every indication is that you WERE back together, even if you hadn't said those particular words to her. Saying I love you to one man while sleeping with another is disingenuous in any set of circumstances. She is childishly avoiding accountability for her actions, and this could be an indicator of future problems should you decide to proceed with this relationship. Trust is even more important for long-distance relationships than it is for face-to-face ones.

[Wiseman2]

Why are there no plans in place to try to live together? It will be hard for either of you under these circumstances. It doesn't sound like you are "back together" if she's dating someone locally.

 

It sounds like your relationship is poorly defined if she doesn't even know you were "back together". Why bother with sex cams and wedding talk if you aren't communicating properly about living in the same place?

i live in the usa and she lives in peru. we have a daughter and she is almost 2 years old now. a week ago she told me she was dating a guy and had sex. u never told me we were back together.

[exreturn]

There are two questions you need to ask yourself at this point:

 

1) Can you forgive her for what she did?

 

If the answer to this question is no, you'll carry a heavy burden until you can turn it into a yes. I recommend therapy and self-development work; it could take many years.

 

2) Can you learn to trust her again?

 

Trust can take years to rebuild, but you may not even have the emotional strength or desire to make an attempt. If you discover (now or later) that the answer to this question is no, you can no longer be in a romantic relationship with her. You'll need to figure out how to be a good long-distance father to your daughter even though things didn't work out with her mother.

 

I am very concerned about the fact that she is using "You never told me we were back together" as an excuse for this behavior. Every indication is that you WERE back together, even if you hadn't said those particular words to her. Saying I love you to one man while sleeping with another is disingenuous in any set of circumstances. She is childishly avoiding accountability for her actions, and this could be an indicator of future problems should you decide to proceed with this relationship. Trust is even more important for long-distance relationships than it is for face-to-face ones.

 

 

 

i sent the visa petition a month ago thinking we were perfectly fine, i was treating her very well and planning finally living together but here in the usa now. well i dont really understand why she didnt do that when we were constantly fighting or broke up but she did it when we were fine... it makes no sense to me idk what to do.

[exreturn]

yes there are plans since i already filed the petition for her and my daughter to come here, she said she was very sorry she cried for days feeling dirty and even told her mom and dad and they were so mad at her. now she said she would always do what i say. but i cant trust her yet, since i dont even know why she did that when we were good and not when we were fightning or broke up

[Wiseman2]

Why would she leave her friends, family, homeland, everything important and supportive to her, etc. for that? Why did she go back to Peru or why did you go to the US?

i sent the visa petition a month ago thinking we were perfectly fine, i was treating her very well and planning finally living together but here in the usa now.

[exreturn]

i live in the usa she always lived in peru, we had plans of comming here for years with our daughter but i had financial problems here and no sponsor now im god financially but well the last time i went there to see her was april 2016 and she waited till september to do that nasty thing supposedly with no feelings but 5 times really?? if she said she didnt like him why sex 5 times ??? leaving my daughter with the grandma for an hour to go to his house ... i need answers to that, cant understand

[abitbroken]

Why did you have a child if you were not married/stable. It is very difficult to have a long distance relationship. If you had both lived in Peru, were married and you were establishing yourself so she could come, that's one thing, but its going to be tougher the route you have gone. In regards to the VISA, is it a fiancee VISA or is it a visitor's VISA? You have to really have a talk - is she really willing to live in the USA and leave Peru? I would suggest consulting an attorney in regards to your daughter and establishing what your rights are if she decides not to come or disappears with her.

 

If you don't trust her, its time to make some decisions - do you want to go forward with this woman? Or do you think its best to go your separate ways?

[abitbroken]

Wait a minute - you said you broke up last year. So when you were broken up, you thought that she should not date others?

[exreturn]

so he treated her very well, was supportive and gave her advises, he said he loved babies and he cooked and everything and she liked that. that doesnt sound like revenge sex or one night stand to me if it was 5 times. also ok she says she didnt like him physically then to have sex that means she had feelings??? because u either like the person a lot or u have feelings in order to have sex, or i thought it was that way for girls especially 5 times doesnt sound like it was as bad as she describes it ( it was small and only lasted 5 minutes and not even good)

i need advice on that i feel not even like a man now

[exreturn]

we were together since 2013, i used to live in peru with her in my house that i have there, but i would go for 6 months and then leave and then come back again just to work. in 2015 our daughter was born, and we broke up in december 2015 but still talking to each other. i went to visit on april 2016 and we had sex and we talked about going back and she said she never dated nobody all those months, which i believe, we had a fight there and i left, we didnt say we were back together officially, then in july 2016 we made peace and talked about love and future and everything, i started being waaay better and even sending gifts flowers and she said she loved me a lot, everyday she would say hey babe good morning i love you so much me and our baby. everything was super good and we were planning the wedding all those months. then on december she confeses that from september to november she met this man and everything happend she went out with him and he basically showed up as a perfect guy that loves babies and a family, they had sex 5 times or more during that period and they went out with my baby. so she confessed that and that they had a fight on november because i was constantly talking to her and he didnt like it. so they stopped seeing each other in november.

[abitbroken]

so he treated her very well, was supportive and gave her advises, he said he loved babies and he cooked and everything and she liked that. that doesnt sound like revenge sex or one night stand to me if it was 5 times. also ok she says she didnt like him physically then to have sex that means she had feelings??? because u either like the person a lot or u have feelings in order to have sex, or i thought it was that way for girls especially 5 times doesnt sound like it was as bad as she describes it ( it was small and only lasted 5 minutes and not even good)

i need advice on that i feel not even like a man now

 

Like she is going to tell you "it was great!" No she won't tell you that. He gave her what you were not giving her - a man by her side, cooking with her, talking about babies, having sex with her. You haven't seen her in 8-9 months with no plans of visiting her again. And if you were broken up at the time, it doesn't really matter. Even if you were almost getting back together. Obviously, this whole indefinite long distance thing is not really working. If you didn't have a child, I would cut my losses and break up. But you can't, as you have a child. Why didn't you use protection, or was it planned? At any rate, you have to either decide to end this by being in the same city with her and getting married or NOT getting married or you have to end the relationship with her and talking to attorneys about the child - either signing your rights off when she eventually marries and the stepdad adopts, or seeking custody sole or partial or some sort of visitation.. Is she really interested in a relationship with you, or is she more interested in getting to the united states - she found a guy in the US to marry and get her there.

[exreturn]

so basically from august till now we were so good in so much love and sending nudes and everything as a normal relationship. and thats the part it confuses me , why the hell did she do that when we were so good together and not when we broke up and were fighting. why she said i love you so much u are my husband i will always care for u, and at the same time she was ing this guy with supposedly no feelings and not liking him??

[exreturn]

originally the plan was to live in peru forever, then it changed when we had our baby since i wanted much more for her and safety. so wr decided i had to come back to the usa and work and file a petition for her and my baby, during that time we had fights and we broke up. she never was interested in coming to the usa she just wanted to be with me and not away from each other.

what i cant still understand is why did she do that with him while we were so good and more romantic than ever before always on camera always saying i love you always enjoying time on camera and making plans for our wedding and finally being together forever. why didnt she do that when we were broken up???

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she's trying to tell you she's in full relationship with someone else. Someone local who is really there for her and shares her dream of being in Peru near her friends and family. Was going to the US your idea? It sounds like you abandoned her with a child and then kept breaking up.

so he treated her very well, was supportive and gave her advises, he said he loved babies and he cooked and everything and she liked that.

[abitbroken]

originally the plan was to live in peru forever, then it changed when we had our baby since i wanted much more for her and safety. so wr decided i had to come back to the usa and work and file a petition for her and my baby, during that time we had fights and we broke up. she never was interested in coming to the usa she just wanted to be with me and not away from each other.

what i cant still understand is why did she do that with him while we were so good and more romantic than ever before always on camera always saying i love you always enjoying time on camera and making plans for our wedding and finally being together forever. why didnt she do that when we were broken up???

 

You were romantic ON CAMERA - not in person. Its easy to say anything on camera. The last time you saw eachother you fought. You are not there dressing and bathing your child, teaching your child things or just being there at the dinner table with your child as a family. A woman who has had your child needs more than flowers and candy. So, if she sends you a nude photo, you think all is well? She needs emotional support. Not webcam. She needs someone to be there for her - to help raise the child, to have someone to come home to. And that is not what she has.

 

Maybe you should consider going back to Peru to live with her as a family before you decide to move them to the US - to see if your relationship can survive - Moving to the US has its own pitfalls - they will only get so far if they don't speak English, cultural clashes, having no parents and siblings as their support network to care for the child, etc. feeling isolated. Moving to the US does not necessarily mean safer. It just seems that if things are all rosey on webcam and you fight in person - you shouldn't be together. When you talk on webcam its like being on vacation and you can be as fake as you want.

[exreturn]

no i didnt abandon we planned this together so i could get money and file the petition for them. all my family lives here but i just got the citizenship last year so i had to wait for that to file the petition.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Then is seems she's just staying in peru because of family?

we planned this together so i could get money and file the petition for them. all my family lives here but i just got the citizenship last year so i had to wait for that to file the petition.

[exreturn]

Sorry to hear that. Then is seems she's just staying in peru because of family?

basically she was waiting for me to get the citizenship and get a good job to file the petition for them it took me a year to do that. so yea once we had the baby the plan was always to be in the usa together as a family but ... still dont know why she did that nasty thing

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she got weak and lonely. Do you still want to marry and be a family? If so you may have to forgive her.

b ... still dont know why she did that nasty thing

[chitown9]

still dont know why she did that nasty thing

 

She did the nasty thing because he was there for her physically. You were not.

chi

[exreturn]

so everytime we fight or i travel i gotta be scared? and why say i love you and be romantic and behave as a married couple while having sex with some other guy? thats the part i need to understand so i can try to move on with this

[abitbroken]

so everytime we fight or i travel i gotta be scared? and why say i love you and be romantic and behave as a married couple while having sex with some other guy? thats the part i need to understand so i can try to move on with this

 

You are not behaving as a married couple. You are behaving as a dating couple - exchanging naked pictures and I love yous over cam. If you were behaving as a married couple, you would have gotten married. In Peru. You would have established yourselves as a married couple and would have been married for some time. Then, if you decided to move to America, you could legitimately get her a visitors or a spouse visa. You would have applied for jobs while still in Peru, explored old contacts and then went to stay with family for a few weeks while you interviewed (or didn't you say you had a job that required travel back to the US?) And if she couldn't get to America, she is the one you want to be with so you would have stayed in Peru until it looked like it could happen. I know someone who was legitimately married in another country and then went back to the US four years later. In the beginning, they, as an American citizen and their child could stay (with paperwork indicated that the other parent was okay with this and the child was not being held or taken), but the non-citizen spouse had to go back for a short time when their VISA was up and come back a few months later on another VISA until they had permanent legal residency. Actually, I think the child went back with the mother the first time and then stayed the second while the mother went due to age. But everyone was together in the end permanently.

 

The answer you have to ask - is do you you want to marry this woman?? If you do, then it has to be that you want to marry her whether she can come to the US or whether it means you move back to Peru. If you only want this woman if she comes to you, then you have answered your question.

 

Also, there will be obstacles if she cannot find work that is at her level due to a language barrier, etc. If you think she is just going to stay home if you get her to the US, that will do more to prevent success or if she legally cannot work. If she knows no one, she is going to need to on her own find a job/volunteer work that is fulfilling to her and to have her own friends, too. If she is on her own raising the child now and comes to the US where she is pretty isolated, that will be tough for her.