Someone please help....attachment issues

[jmann45]

This girl i was talking to recently.. shes not that interested anymore. and i know exactly why. i get too attached once i find out that i LIKE the person.

Im such a great, funny person at first when were just talking. but later in the relationship when i realize i have feelings for them, i start talking to them more. making them more of a part of my life. and this always scares the person away. ive done this since i was young, about 16. i am now almost 24, and i have the same issue. the difference is, that im starting to notice myself do this now. Its not good. I wish i could be the same person as i am when im just talking to the girl with nothing serious involved.

 

This girl i was talking to recently, used to call/text me alot. i didnt think anything of it. then one of my friends told me that she had told him that she and I had a "thing". thats when my feelings grew. She even mentioned to me that ive changed since we got alil serious. i tried to go back to being "normal" but i couldnt. i just cant i dont know why and its eating me alive because its been the reason for all of my failed relationships. Its something i cant control. She didnt call me tonight and im getting the urge to get up and go look to see if her car is at her house. Now with that being said, i know im not going to. but the fact that im getting the URGE, after we ended things a couple days ago. this isnt normal.. i dont know how to overcome it. i dont know how to remain "me" throughout the whole relationship. I change.. and that repels people away from me.

 

I know people will say i need to get busier and find hobbies. but even when i have hobbies and have my life straight, and i start kind of talking to some girl, i slowly start letting those things go and start focusing on her. I know for a fact i cant get married if i keep this up. the longest relationship ive ever had was 3 months. That says something....

 

i change. and i dont know how NOT to change. please someone, explain to me why i do this, if its normal, how i can stop it. ect.

 

Should i just go out and keep getting hurt from rejection and breakup? if thats what itll take, im willing to do that. Please advice me. Please.

[gebaird]

This weakness can also be a strength. Loving intensely can be wonderful in the right scenario. Some partners are going to be more okay with intensity than others, but no one likes jealousy and neediness and possessiveness.

 

If therapy is an option for you, I'd consider it. A lot of what you are dealing with probably goes back to childhood and the way you related to your parents. Improving your overall emotional health can help you overcome insecure behavior. There may be underlying anxieties such as abandonment issues that are deeply embedded in your psyche. That may be why you don't feel like this is something you can control, because it's a subconscious reaction to dating scenarios.

 

Take a little time out from dating and do some work on yourself. When you feel you are ready, get back in the game and recognize that your instincts are working against you, not for you. It takes time and effort to break out of entrenched negative patterns like this one, but change is possible.

[SmileyFace123]

Amen to the above poster.

 

You have the anxious attachment style. The best thing you can do is receive counseling from a professional, not us lowly posters. I would also recommend reading self help books on attachment theory. I think it will help.

 

I will also say things you can do on your own:

 

- make sure you have your own life. I know you said those things slip away but this is where perhaps investing in a life coach of therapist will help keep you on track.

 

- Meditate and exercise regularly. Being healthy mentally is the first step

 

- understand your instincts are working against you. Before you make a move ie blow up your partners phone if they aren't answering go for a walk or step away from the situation

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are not meeting and dating the right women. Once you start to date, you will find out who wants as much together vs alone time.

 

Try not to panic or label yourself. Take it slow when dating and focus on nice dates, getting to know each other etc.

 

Make sure you do not get into too much texting. That's where things can suffocate someone and they feel like they are on a tether and run.

even when i have hobbies and have my life straight, and i start kind of talking to some girl, i slowly start letting those things go and start focusing on her.