am I kidding myself?

[Sorrento]

Hello - just a bit of background, I am a 30 year old woman and I am struggling a lot. The short version is I met my ex 8 years ago, and we got involved while he had a girlfriend. This was on and off for four years - same old cliches, he loved me but couldn't leave her, blah blah. I walked away and ignored him for 2 years, met someone else and thought I was happy. He would check in every now and then, mostly "accidental" messages and I ignored them all as he was with his girlfriend still. Anyway - one day my boyfriend at the time and I were very close to ending so I emailed him and asked how he was etc. We got talking and we're close for a few months and then he said he had left his girlfriend, had been in love with me for the whole time and promised himself if he ever got the chance with me again he would give it his all.

 

Should be a slightly twisted version of a happy ending right? Wrong.

 

We got together. He did everything I always wished he would do before, wanted to be with me and talk to me almost all the time and I loved it. I loved him.

 

However, I am now aware that I hadn't done any healing over the initial start of me and him. I hated myself and I was struggling to believe he would now want to be with me forever (even though everyone, mine and his friends, our families, everyone thought we were perfect). So I messed up. Pushed him away. Refused to go away with him. Refused to consider living with him. Blocked him. Kept secrets from him. Still he tried. I realised then that I needed to be on my own. Needed to stop hurting him and get myself right before I destroyed it all. I told him I didn't think we should be together and I blocked him for good.

 

He tried to contact me for the next month but I ignored him, thinking I was doing the right thing. I worked through my feelings. Didn't contact him for five months.

 

I called him once I was feeling sure about things, and we stayed on the phone for two hours. He had a new girlfriend. Missed me. Didn't want to not talk but was confused.

 

So I left it. Wanted him to choose me as much as I chose him, and if not then he was happy and I would walk away.

 

He has initiated contact almost every day. Wants to meet up but I said I felt like that would get us back in the initial situation and I was scared. He is now blowing hot and cold, says he loves me and wants to believe in us but I broke his heart. Then goes distant. Then back again.

 

I guess what I want to know is does anyone have any similar experiences? Am I giving myself false hope?

 

Before I sign off, I just want to say I know this paints me in a terrible light, and I have done a lot of work on myself to ensure I never repeat the awful things I have done. Please be gentle if you can, I'm hurting a lot (maybe deservedly) and I'm just trying to find a way forward.

 

Thank you if you made it this far!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but all you really know for a fact after 8 yrs is that he is always ready, willing and able to cheat on his gfs.

 

Agree you are back to square one with him and his having a gf. It may be best to put all this behind you and start anew with someone you can trust.

we got involved while he had a girlfriend. This was on and off for four years

I called him once I was feeling sure about things.He had a new girlfriend. Wants to meet up but I said I felt like that would get us back in the initial situation and I was scared.

[Batya33]

I think you should move on given his values about cheating and because now he feels you betrayed him. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

[tyler876]

Im sorry for your situation. I went through the same thing but in the opposite. And if the experience taught me anything is if he really loves you, even if he is a cheater, he would be different with you he would try to be a better man. However in love it doesn't depend on feelings only and I know you are hurting and it must be hard, but its best to just leave him for good and put him behind you, and im sorry again

[cristal]

Leave him alone. You have caused him enough heartbreak.

 

Seek out a psychiatrist and let them help you deal with your problems of insecurity and self esteem.

 

You are not mentally and emotionally healthy enough to sustain any kind of relationship at the moment.

[Sorrento]

Thank you all for your replies and comments. Deep down I agree with it all, I just don't want to agree with it because it means facing the hurt and making myself better.

 

I just want add that I have been seeing a therapist for a while now to work on myself and how I am in and out of relationships. I know (as I said) that I am far from blameless, but I am working on it all.

 

I feel like if we were to ever have a shot it would have been with both of us free and clear and coming together by chance, not by engineering.

 

Would you say it is best for me to now just ignore his attempts at contact with no explanation? As I said, he initiates it every time, so should I wait for that and then tell him I'm going away? Or is silence best for both of us?

 

Thank you again for all your replies. They really do help

[Wiseman2]

You reply stating that since he has a gf it would be best for you to be no contact. Then block him.

Would you say it is best for me to now just ignore his attempts at contact with no explanation?

[Sorrento]

Thank you. How is it possible that I needed to read that in black and white for me to realise the truth of it all. Thank you wiseman, I'm sure it's frustrating to have to spell this kind of thing out, I really appreciate it

[catfeeder]

I feel like if we were to ever have a shot it would have been with both of us free and clear and coming together by chance, not by engineering.

 

A shot at what, exactly? You've spent years in a front row seat to witness one charmer's capacity for disloyalty toward not one, but two GFs. So no matter how free and clear he might be in the future, you'd enjoy his attention for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you can't 'unlearn' what you know about the guy. First argument or sign of preoccupation will churn your stomach and have you wondering who else the guy has on deck behind YOUR back.

 

That's no way to live.

 

If the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, the guy would have cleaned up his old business before involving himself with you. Lately, he's only demo'd that he's never learned that lesson--so what's in it for you to remain in contact with the guy, at all--ever?

 

I can appreciate that this is difficult, and I hope you'll focus your efforts with your therapist on grief and healing from dis-illusion-ment. It's a painful process, but you will thank yourself later. Especially after you've met the right guy, who you would have missed had you kept wasting your focus on a guy who you'd never trust the minute your back was turned.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[Ms Darcy]

Wow, it seems like you are his favorite side chick. You both have a problem with fidelity - him with the bigger problem. I would let this cheating fish go.

[Sorrento]

Thank you catfeeder for your reply - you are of course absolutely right. I think I could feel that when we were together which contributed to the downfall of it all. And now with the second time it has come up, no one in their right mind would take a chance on that, right? I think I just feel gutted that I believed a tiny bit in everything AGAIN, and I am hideously ashamed of my own part to play throughout this sorry saga. Thank you for also highlighting specific topics to take to my therapist - that will help me to focus more on getting over this and being a better person from now on. Thank you so much

 

Ms Darcy, thank you for also replying. I agree, and I have been working on this to prevent it happening anymore. I want to be able to be with someone who will just want to be with me, no one else, never any doubts before we even start, which is exactly what would always happen. Thank you again

 

I guess this is now posted in the completely wrong area, far better suited to healing. I know I am strong enough to shut the door for good, I am just really struggling with going through the pain (instead of blocking it out). More work for me with my therapist I guess. Onwards and upwards, after some more work on myself of course

 

Thank you everyone, so much. You have no idea how much this has helped me