Ladies' Input Requested: Came on too Strong - Salvageable?

[cwsreddy]

Hey there. Looking for a female perspective or two, since the only people I have to talk to about these types of things are guys. And they're not allllllways helpful

 

Went out with this really great girl twice, and had really amazing times. The vibe was great, conversation was fast and easy, definite mutual attraction, body language, everything was awesome. She told me how crazy busy she is - but at the time it didn't QUITE sink in, so after the second date, suddenly there was this change in the way we were texting. It'd be long delays in responses, things like "this weekend is really crazy with ______ coming up, I'm doing a lot of tutoring and waiting to hear back from kids" etc when I ask to go out again. And after four days of this, my warning bells are going off that I'm being slowly ghosted, right?

 

So I send her a message that's like (paraphrased) "hey I think you're great, but if you're not into this just let me know and we can just be friends" (Said the last part because she does acrobatics, which I've been looking to get into anyway to compliment my rock climbing/ninja warrior training! so I might see her around)

 

She wrote back a long message that she tried to explain how busy she was, that she wasn't trying to ghost me, but that she felt cornered by that message and maybe i'm looking for something different and that yeah, being friends might be the best idea. After that we had a good conversation about why/how the confusion happened, but I didn't want to push anything in that moment. We've talked a couple times since, but I've initiated all of them.

 

My question at this point: I'm worried that she did/does like me but agreed to the friends thing because I said it first, even though that's not really what I want (i know, dumb defense mechanisms are dumb), in which case I want to reach out and ask for a second shot at all this, because we vibed so well and want all the same things/have tons of mutual interests. But on the other hand, I came on really strong by trying to corner her into an answer about how she felt about me really effing quickly, so the other side of my brain says to wait it out a while (but how long is a while?) haha this chess game of dating is so ambiguous. Any thoughts would be appreciated

 

Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

Preemptive strikes often backfire. But it sounds like friendzoning would have happened either way.

[cwsreddy]

Mind if I ask what makes you say that? (the friendzone bit) Back in the dating game for the first time in a couple years so I could use whatever thoughts you've got

[mustlovedogs]

If I was genuinely busy, a message like that would annoy me.

 

I would have waited a few dates and watched to see if she became less busy. Early on, I wouldn't change plans for a guy. I would start to open up my schedule if I saw it progressing somewhere. I think you struck too soon.

[sensitivegirl0]

I believe she didnt want anything more than being friends in the first place. And you are right she has been slowly ghosting you. As a girl, if I like a man, I would never ghost them no matter how busy I am. And she already told you that she wants to be friends by saying "maybe you are looking for something different and that..thats why being friends might be the best idea."

 

If I was you, I would back off and find another girl.

[cwsreddy]

Yeah I mean, I'd agree with you except that it turned out she was actually working 14 hour days for three of those days, and the fact that she texted me at all to tell me that she was 1) drowning in work and 2) that like 6 other friends had been asking if she was alright because she'd been MIA doesn't (in retrospect) sound like someone who's trying to ghost

 

And she also already had rearranged some schedule stuff for our second date.

 

I mean listen, obviously you guys could very well be right - you probably are - just wanted to throw in a little more context. But as far as what to do at this point, if she's got me in the friend zone already, it doesn't hurt to ask, right? At least then I'll have a definite answer.

[WithLove]

I think you gave your ultimatum a bit too soon. She explained she felt cornered in now, so I think the damage is done, for now. Your best bet now is to find someone else - but if, in a couple months, nothing happens, maybe reach out and ask her for coffee again.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she gave you a definitive answer. Being pushy is not a good idea nor is being presumptuous. Be more patient and less anxious next time.

 

You don't ask girls if you are in the friendzone, you make sure you act like you're not and if they start friendzoning you, you fade out.

she felt cornered by that message and maybe i'm looking for something different and that yeah, being friends might be the best idea.

[cwsreddy]

It sounds like she gave you a definitive answer. Being pushy is not a good idea nor is being presumptuous. Be more patient and less anxious next time.

 

You don't ask girls if you are in the friendzone, you make sure you act like you're not and if they start friendzoning you, you fade out.

 

Eh, I don't play games. That includes things like fading out. I'm always going to be honest with people, and if they're not comfortable with that, or comfortable being honest back, then they're not someone I'd want to be involved with anyway. But thanks for the perspective, and you're definitely right about the pushiness/presumptuousness/patience thing. I'm a problem solver and fixer and a do-er, so that stuff is work for me, but it's work I have to do.

[mustlovedogs]

I've had busy times. And I would approach them the same way she did. It would not have been friend zoning. So think what you want, but I think you jumped the gun.

[cwsreddy]

I've had busy times. And I would approach them the same way she did. It would not have been friend zoning. So think what you want, but I think you jumped the gun.

 

No, I think you're 100% correct, and that's why I feel like it's worth saying something - just not sure how long to wait to do it. Obviously since the issue was with patience, respecting her space, jumping the gun, etc - time is probably something I should give this.

[IAmFCA]

I recently had a suitor call the question too soon, and I pulled back. Not dissimilar to what happened with you in terms of the dynamic. He realized he didn't meet his goal of expressing his degree of interest and weeding me out if I were a flake. He realized I am not a flake, said he would like to withdraw the question, and proceed in the normal manner. For me, it worked.

 

I see no harm in falling on your sword:

 

You are right, you DID say you were crazy busy. In truth, I would like to keep dating, not switch to friend zone. I need not have gotten so jumpy. If you are still interested, let's keep getting to know each other as our schedules permit.

 

Then wait a while and suggest a lunch or a night out etc. You will need to bear the burden of planning, and sorting out the details.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you got in too fast too deep and then freaked. The thing is that you only went on two dates, there is no reason at that stage to be talking and texting constantly. When you pressured her for a date just 4 days in, yeah....I'd feel pressured too and wouldn't like it. It's too much too soon. Add to it the texting and the freak out preemptive strike and you came across as someone who is very needy and attached at the hip type. Nothing wrong with that, just that some people aren't cut out for it. I think when she said that you are looking for something different from what she can offer, she was referring to your need to time and togetherness being very different from hers.

 

I think next time chill out and pay more attention to what the person is telling you, what she is doing and in general how they are leading. Like if she is texting you non-stop, she is a texter that likes tons of texting. If you are the one always texting and she is taking awhile to respond, then obviously she is not into that much attention and communication. She is actively pacing you and slowing you down. It doesn't mean they aren't interested, just different needs to keeping in contact.

[Wiseman2]

It's like those women who ask about marriage, kids, future, etc, on a second date and are stunned when the guy never calls again. It sounds like by trying to play hardball, you'll strike out a lot.

 

After 2 dates if she was giving you the busy signal you should be dating others and could have just said "ok, call me when you're not so busy"...and dated others in the meantime.

I'm a problem solver and fixer and a do-er, so that stuff is work for me, but it's work I have to do.

[cwsreddy]

Sounds like you got in too fast too deep and then freaked. The thing is that you only went on two dates, there is no reason at that stage to be talking and texting constantly. When you pressured her for a date just 4 days in, yeah....I'd feel pressured too and wouldn't like it. It's too much too soon. Add to it the texting and the freak out preemptive strike and you came across as someone who is very needy and attached at the hip type. Nothing wrong with that, just that some people aren't cut out for it. I think when she said that you are looking for something different from what she can offer, she was referring to your need to time and togetherness being very different from hers.

 

I think next time chill out and pay more attention to what the person is telling you, what she is doing and in general how they are leading. Like if she is texting you non-stop, she is a texter that likes tons of texting. If you are the one always texting and she is taking awhile to respond, then obviously she is not into that much attention and communication. She is actively pacing you and slowing you down. It doesn't mean they aren't interested, just different needs to keeping in contact.

 

Definitely, thanks!

 

The reason my freakout happened at all was because for the first week and a half we knew each other, we did text pretty consistently and she'd reach out first about as often as I would - it's only in that latter half of the second week that it dropped off the map, and it turns out that coincided with her going back to work at the school she teaches at (which I didn't know at the time) and I've been cooped up at home with a broken leg so it gives me way too much time to be bored and overthink things. Just a perfect storm scenario.

[cwsreddy]

It's like those women who ask about marriage, kids, future, etc, on a second date and are stunned when the guy never calls again. It sounds like by trying to play hardball, you'll strike out a lot.

 

After 2 dates if she was giving you the busy signal you should be dating others and could have just said "ok, call me when you're not so busy"...and dated others in the meantime.

 

you're right - definitely. Although honestly I'm not too broken up about striking out a lot. Pretty sure the best way to succeed is to fail like CRAZY.

[IAmFCA]

It's like those women who ask about marriage, kids, future, etc, on a second date and are stunned when the guy never calls again. It sounds like by trying to play hardball, you'll strike out a lot.

 

After 2 dates if she was giving you the busy signal you should be dating others and could have just said "ok, call me when you're not so busy"...and dated others in the meantime.

 

"Call me when you have time" is too passive. I never call those men who have said that.

 

"I'll check in from time to time" works much better, and keeps the responsibility on his shoulders, which is where it should be. Not because it's fair; it isn't. Rather because she is already at capacity.

[reinventmyself]

"hey I think you're great, but if you're not into this just let me know and we can just be friends"

When you ask a question such as this this early on, it's a cry out for validation and comes from a place of insecurity.

In translation it is asking her ` how do you like me now?'

 

At a time that she is unsure and learning things about you, you more or less forced her hand.

Next time slow your roll and don't push.

 

I understand about being cooped up at home. When I am that bored and too much time in my head I tend to do and say things I regret.

Next time call a friend

[cwsreddy]

"hey I think you're great, but if you're not into this just let me know and we can just be friends"

When you ask a question such as this this early on, it's a cry out for validation and comes from a place of insecurity.

In translation it is asking her ` how do you like me now?'

 

At a time that she is unsure and learning things about you, you more or less forced her hand.

Next time slow your roll and don't push.

 

Could not agree more.

[reinventmyself]

Could not agree more.

 

I added something to my previous response

[Wiseman2]

Agree, it does come off that way.

it is asking her ` how do you like me now?'

[video=youtube;GhzTIKLu_Fc]

[cwsreddy]

I added something to my previous response

 

Yeah.... I mean she seems like the type of person who would understand the whole cooped up at home thing, too. We both are big into personal development, relationship psychology, all that stuff, which is why I'd like to reach back out to her. I just know I have a habit - CLEARLY - of going too big too soon and not being patient enough.

[reinventmyself]

Yeah.... I mean she seems like the type of person who would understand the whole cooped up at home thing, too. We both are big into personal development, relationship psychology, all that stuff, which is why I'd like to reach back out to her. I just know I have a habit - CLEARLY - of going too big too soon and not being patient enough.

 

I would give it a few days to marinate. Give her a chance to reach out to you. If she is into all those things she can probably spot an anxious attachment pretty quickly.

If you need to put this rest and close the door, try again but only if you know you are in a place to handle further disappointment and figure you have nothing to else to lose.

But between now and then call a friend and get out of the house!

 

(I had tendon surgery, was in a full cast and was stuck at home for 10 weeks. I thought I would lose my ever lovin' mind!)

[DancingFool]

Definitely, thanks!

 

The reason my freakout happened at all was because for the first week and a half we knew each other, we did text pretty consistently and she'd reach out first about as often as I would - it's only in that latter half of the second week that it dropped off the map, and it turns out that coincided with her going back to work at the school she teaches at (which I didn't know at the time) and I've been cooped up at home with a broken leg so it gives me way too much time to be bored and overthink things. Just a perfect storm scenario.

 

So early on, you don't really have a dynamic established so just be mindful about not freaking out in the future about a perceived change in a dynamic that doesn't quite exist yet. Within just a few weeks and two dates, there is not enough time to call something a pattern or a dynamic. I mean you haven't seen anything about this person - what they are like when they are busy, bored, lazy, sad, happy, etc., etc., etc. With all of that, your dynamic and communication will and should fluctuate. So maybe remind yourself that a change in the dynamic is not automatically bad or an indication of something negative when it's early going.

 

Also, nobody you are dating should ever be your go to for when you are bored and cooped up and looking for something. They are not yet your friend and you two are not yet in a relationship. As already said, call on your friends, family, forums, whatever. Just don't call on your new date. You just aren't there yet for that.

[cwsreddy]

So early on, you don't really have a dynamic established so just be mindful about not freaking out in the future about a perceived change in a dynamic that doesn't quite exist yet. Within just a few weeks and two dates, there is not enough time to call something a pattern or a dynamic. I mean you haven't seen anything about this person - what they are like when they are busy, bored, lazy, sad, happy, etc., etc., etc. With all of that, your dynamic and communication will and should fluctuate. So maybe remind yourself that a change in the dynamic is not automatically bad or an indication of something negative when it's early going.

 

Also, nobody you are dating should ever be your go to for when you are bored and cooped up and looking for something. They are not yet your friend and you two are not yet in a relationship. As already said, call on your friends, family, forums, whatever. Just don't call on your new date. You just aren't there yet for that.

 

This is brilliant. Thank you. Pretty much exactly what I needed to hear.

 

I live in NYC, and dating here is notoriously brutal, but weirdly this is my first time actually DOING it, where I'm not inherently seeing the person on a nearly daily basis. My other NYC relationships began with people I met in shows I was doing (I've been an actor here for the last 6 years) so I've actually never DONE real life dating! I realized that the other day and it blew my mind. I mean, I'm 30.

 

Given that, yeah - your advice is just absolutely perfect for me. Can't thank you enough.