Please help - I want him back!

[Rozanne]

Hi this is my first time on this message board but I was very touched by the responses that other people have received. I hope you guys will be able to help me too!

 

My boyfriend of five years turned round out of the blue and told me that he'd slept with someone when he was drunk. It was such a shock but the worst thing was that he wanted to break up with me - he said that was why he slept with this girl.

I love this man. I just feel like he fits my soul in a way that no-one else could. Sure, I was angry - I spent a good few hours smashing things - but I knew that I still wanted to be with him - I thought that it could be a new start for us.

 

We tried to put things back together for a couple of week but everything fell apart again and he has left me. We're still in contact - well, I phone him. I know that I shouldn't try and get in contact with him but I just miss him so much. And I'm so scared that he'll find someone else! I had moved 100miles just to be near him - and I don't really know that many people where I am now. I guess I get really lonely.

 

I have depression and it's something that I've dealt with for a long time - but I don't think that it defines me as a person. I know that he broke up with me because he couldn't handle being my crutch anymore and I understand this - I even agree! But I want to get better - more than ever - but when I do get better, I don't want to have lost him forever.

 

He knows that I really want him back but he says that we'll just come up against the same problems again and he doesn't want to hurt me. He says that he still lusts after me and that we could have sex but it would be nothing more than just that.

 

So there you go, that's the whole story.

 

I want him back, what can I do?

 

 

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[DN]

If the reason he left you is really because of your depression, and bear in mind that may be an excuse, or one of several reasons, then you have to get the depression under control before you can hope to get him back. Even if you do not get him back you should still seek effective treatment for your own sake.

 

Studies show that he most effective treatment for depression is a combination of meds and therapy. On their own they are much less beneficial.

 

Good luck, I hope you get well and happy

[RayKay]

Well, I would not give him sex, that is for sure. Personally someone telling me they lust after me but don't want to be with me would be enough to send my red flags up and have me walking away as quickly as my feet could take me. Oh yeah, and the fact he CHEATED on you. Who cares what his reason was - if he wanted to break up he should of done so, not slept with someone else.

 

You have been together for 5 years, so since you were quite young and of course it is hard to imagine how someone could "fit" better, but trust me, there will be someone who does and who does not cheat on you either, or use you for sex.

 

For now, I would say you work on yourself and your depression - something you already know you have to do. I read a recent study where counselling for at least 13 sessions to treat depression was far more effective than medication alone, but a combination is even better. Talk to your doctor/counsellor about that. But you do need to take care of yourself and ensure this does not set you back into a downward spiral of depression again.

 

Keep telling yourself that you do NOT need a man who cheats, uses you and blames YOUR illness for his cheating or leaving. Yes maybe the depression did affect your relationship but it did NOT force him to cheat. Use this as an opportunity to grow and develop who you are, you are young and there is a LOT ahead of you yet, and you will meet more men and I guarantee at least one of them will fit you better than you can imagine now.

 

Be strong (but its okay not to be all the time!) and work on yourself and moving on, you deserve better. Don't heal yourself just to get him back - he will either do that or not on his own, but probably if he DOES come back, you won't want him!

 

Peace and Good Luck.

[Beec]

I agree with most of what DN and RayKay have said.

 

But I want to emphasize a comment of RayKay's. You are young and were with this guy for a long time. You think he is your best fit and the ebst you will find. I've thought that too. Then I found a better fit. And knowing something or two about RayKay, I think she's be able to tell you of a similar experience. It took my a while to find a woman who fits as well as my current gf, but I'm glad I did not stop looking.

[shockeddismayed]

Yep,

 

DN, RayKay and Beec are all giving you good advice.

 

I'm not that much older than you are... and you are still attached to your EX, so I imagine that the advice is not exactly what you want to hear. No-one likes to hear they are young... and no-one likes to hear that the person they love may not be right for them.

 

But do try and *at least* consider that they have a valid point... in some cases learned very much the hardway from experiences similar to yours.

 

I always fell pretty hard for girls growing up... each time thinking nothing would ever be the same, but usually with a few months of perspective, and a few months of meeting new people I'd remember what I had to offer and realize that I wasn't going to settle for shoddy treatment, or for someone who didn't fully appreciate me.

 

Your EX may come to realize he's made a mistake.... but don't let that distract you from the main fact: he made a HUGE mistake!!!! Cheating on someone, then telling them you'll still have sex with them, but don't love them anymore is a really cold, caloused and frankly, immature thing to do. This is the type of mistake you may never truly forgive him for... and even if you did, deep down you will never forget.

 

Ask yourself whether this is how you envisioned meeting the love of your life would be... in your dreams, did you imagine that meeting "the one" would involve them cheating on you... failing to support you through the tough times (your depression), and blaming you for their own weakness? .... I don't think you would.

 

If you must hold onto hope for this boy (I say boy, as in "shadow of a man"), then at least tell yourself that it is going to take him a year or two to shape up. In that time you are going to date others, you are going to work on yourself... you are going to build a rounded, positive, fulfilling life for yourself.

 

If he grows up and becomes the man you deserve, he will fit into your life easily. If he doesn't, your life will be fulfilling enough without him, and you may already have found someone better.

 

As step number one of dealing with your depression, tell yourself that you DO deserve better than what he did... and that you will set out on a course to find it. Cut him out of your life for now.

 

Good luck.

[lady00]

His actions show that he does not respect you or deserve you. He cheated on you then told you it was because he wanted to break up. When someone wants to end a relationship, they tell the other person, they don't go and cheat on them. It just isn't right. If you want to get better, that's a goal that you should set for yourself, not in order to get him back. When you do start feeling better, you will see that you do not need him in order to be happy. Someone who would treat you like that is not the person for you. You are so young...you have plenty of time to meet people and you will find someone better.

[Rozanne]

Thankyou all for your help - I really, really appreciate it.

 

 

I have to admit - it's not the advice I wanted to hear, but I'm sure it is the truth.

 

I really admire all of the people that have gone NC after breaking up with their exes. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to do that - in fact I know that I'm not because I'm meeting up with him tonight.

 

I know the best thing to do is to leave him be - he's probably not the right person for me, plenty more fish in the sea etc etc. And I'm young, and depressed and I probably don't know what I want.

 

But I love him.

 

I don't really feel in control enough to be strong. Everything in me wants to beg him to love me again and promise him that I could be a better person.

 

I am so pathetic.

[RayKay]

No, you are not pathetic - trust me at one point or another most of us on here, and definitely those who replied, have been there too. We have all wanted to beg them back, and promised to change - but begging does not work, and we should not promise to change for someone else, we can only change for ourselves if we truly desire and feel need too. So please do not call yourself that.

 

I myself did not do NC, went the friends route, but it too was very difficult to do - just more right for me personally and it worked out for best. I don't advise NC for cases unless it is too painful, or their is abuse of emotional or physical kind, or people are trapped and not moving forward...so only you can judge for yourself what is best.

 

And I did not mean to come off as "you are young so don't feel bad" - not at all! I am not THAT much older than you, and I too know what it is like to be with someone for years from a young age, and how it feels like you could never love another. In my case my partner died, and it was to me the end of the world, or at least my world. But...time does heal, I am blessed and I learned a lot from that and it has made me a stronger, better, more complete person and I truly can feel the true depths of love, now that I have felt the pain. So look at this as an experience to grow from - it will be painful, but you WILL emerge from it I promise you stronger, more sure of who you are and what you want and deserve in your life. There may be some more broken relationships before you find Mr. Right, but they are each preparing you for that relationship.

 

 

These are lyrics that speak to me right now in my life, maybe you might find some hope in them

 

Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

 

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

 

Chorus:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

 

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

 

Chorus:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

 

Now I'm just rollin' home into my lover's arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

[Millerm]

Im very sorry...I wish there was somethig i could do to help... just try talking to him more and DO NOT give him sex.....if he cant realize what a good person you are then to hell with him.

[PrincessLinzay]

Awwww hun. {{Hugs}}

 

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Breakups are never fun, and especially when they are preceded with a betrayal such as you suffered.

 

The most important thing to realize is that none of this was your fault, and that you have to empower yourself with that knowledge. As a human being, you command respect. It's important that you recognize your own worth, and know that you deserve to be treated with respect.

 

The way things are right now, if you continue to contact him and beg him back, it will only make it appear that you will accept whatever garbage he wants to throw at you, including his cheating. I for one wouldn't want to bear the burden of that stigma.

 

He is the one who made a mistake, yet he's managed to turn it around and place the blame on you. There is no excuse for cheating. It's unacceptable, no matter what the reason.

 

I know NC seems like a gloomy prospect right now, but it's so beneficial. Right now he has you right where he wants you. You're accepting the blame for his indiscretions and you're begging for his scraps of his attention. He still lusts after you? Woohoo. He still wants sex, what a concept. Whatever you do, don't fall into that trap, don't confuse sex with love.

 

Get back to the things that are reallly important. Learn to love your own company and others can't help but follow your lead.

 

Hang in there hun.

[Rozanne]

Argh!

 

I met him on monday and we had a really good chat about things. He said that obviously, if i got better he would want me back. I said that I needed to take some time to myself but hopefully, I would get better soon and we could maybe make a go of things again. We agreed to meet up in a couple of weeks and we kissed.

 

I phoned him today to see how he was doing and we were talking and he said "well you're not my girlfriend anyway." Now I didn't think that we were back together - but I didn't think that we weren't. I got really annoyed at this and then he got really angry and said that I was trying to manipulate him. So I tried to apologise but he hung up on me.

 

I think that I've ruined everything again.

[DN]

Maybe, maybe not. people get angry and say things they don't necessarily mean in the heat of the moment. The main thing is for you to get treatment for your depression - you owe that to yourself not to him.

 

When you are better, you will be able to deal with things more rationally - it may be that when you have gained equilibrium you decide you don't want him anyway, depression can skew your thinking about all sorts of things.

[Rozanne]

I've been on a combination of counselling and medication for about 6 years. It does work - but slowly. My depression doesn't take over my entire life - i have learned to cope with it - like you would with any illness.

 

It's just weird because things don't get any better for me - I know that everyone says that time heals everything but I just feel like I've been on a downward spiral since I was 12.

 

What happens if nothing gets better?

[DN]

Try another counsellor - even good ones are sometimes not a good fit for everybody.

[Mun]

Hello Rozanne,

I am going to say something that is not what you want to hear and I hear this all the time.. ready? " My boyfriend cheats on me and is cruel at times... but I love him"..

 

but I love him is not a good reason to let someone walk all over you. I'm sorry but don't you love yourself? You should, you are all you got . I think a big part of being with him might be that you don't know how to be alone. You have been with him your whole adult life ( so far) I doubt that he is the best that you can get.

 

A man who loves and values you would not sleep with someone else and then blame it on you.. or use that as an excuse to break up. He would be man enough to exit the relationship before moving on with his life. Now I understand you are battling deppression.. but honey.. this situation is just going to make you more deppressed. Do you see that?

 

I hope you are getting the help you need for your illness, but you would do well for yourself to stay away from this guy until you are feeling better.

 

You should have someone who respects and cares for you.. not a man who will tell you " you're not even my girlfriend" when he has agreed to try and make things work.

 

Don't call him again and don't apologize to him when he is the one being a jerk. Grab a hold of your dignity girl...if you lose that then you have lost everything.

 

Chin up !

[Rozanne]

UPDATE!!!!!

 

I have met a new man!!! He is the nicest person in the world!!!!!

 

It's weird how things turn round exactly when you really need them to. I can't say that I'm over my ex yet - but I'm certainly starting to see the light at the end of the tunned and I feel fantastic!!!!

 

 

Bless all your cotton socks for your help though - you seriously could never understand how much I appreciate it.

 

*Big bear hugs to you all*

 

Rozanne