Help! Breaking my break up pattern.

[takewhatuwant]

Can someone help me figure out my pattern?

 

I start out cool and in my groove and then I lose myself in the relationship when I feel my partner pulling away. I get dumped ( last four relationships ) I always hold on longer than needed even if I know it wasn't right...until my relationships reach a breaking point and my partners dump me. When I experience this rejection I have a major reaction... I'm experience unbearable pain and loss. I'm wreckless, vindictive and revengful. I only act this way when my ex partnerss don't take accountability for their part in the break down of the relationship ( the last 3 didn't acknowledge their part and blamed me entirely and then walked away which made me react ) my other one took responsibility and 3 years later we are best friends.

 

And it's about the way I react. I don't leave these relationships gracefully... I think I would have an easier time leaving gracefully if these men owned their part. But instead they don't and I go into breakdown mode.

 

In the past few years I have written the relatives and friends of ex partners telling them how guilty my ex was...i have hit majorly below the belt with insults and done a number of revengfull things I'm not so proud of.

 

I'm trying to figure out why I always act this way and how to bow out gracefully and keep my dignity and self respect? Why do i keep repeating this pattern.

 

Each one of the last three ex's will no longer speak to me and I'm beating myself up over here wondering why it's so easy for some people and so hard for me.

 

I just want to bee loved. I just want a long term relationship but can't sustain one past a year.

[SkellyWoozle]

Forcing relationships will end in disaster. Stop trying too hard - and equally don't go off on onel when it doesn't work out. You say you get ratty when your exes don't take responsibility.... howabout you? The way to bow out gracefully? Is to bow out gracefully. Hold your head up high - learn from your mistakes, ask yourself why you chose the people you were with and what it was that didn't work and learn from it. Being stuck in a perpetual cycle of blame is not going to help you move on.

[DancingFool]

Realize that you are a whole person by yourself. So instead of focusing on "must hang on and make it last", focus on "is he right for me?". To find the love you are craving, you have to weed out all the wrong relationships quickly and ruthlessly. Clinging is a waste of time that keeps you away from what you want.

 

As for going vindictive....look, whatever wrongs he ever did to you, you just trumped him by a million. Your behavior post break up is the biggest wrong of them all. Get the idea that you need ex's, especially guys that weren't really right for you in your life at all out of your head. If you drag behind you a train load full of ex's turned "friends", I can guarantee you that you will have a very difficult time meeting Mr. Right. People in a good place in life aren't interested in people with baggage and drama.

 

As for walking away with dignity, you just do it. Everyone gets hurt, angry, upset when dumped and will entertain all kinds of bad thoughts about their ex. People just don't act out on that and instead shrug it off and focus on improving themselves, their lives and meeting someone better. Looking back hurts you more than your ex.

[Wiseman2]

Only a therapist can help you with all these feelings. All these behaviors will drive people away, not make you feel loved.

I have a major reaction... I'm wreckless, vindictive and revengful. In the past few years I have written the relatives and friends of ex partners telling them how guilty my ex was.

Same guy?

[moodindigo91]

You need to work on your self control. You basically have little to no self control in good or bad situations. You get carried away in relationships and "lose yourself" until it goes sour then you throw a fit of rage when they break up. You can't blame your inability to exit a relationship gracefully based on the men not owning up to their part. It sounds like the reason for the break ups was your getting carried away and clingy in the first place, and even so you should be able to handle it with grace if you wanted to. That is the whole definition of grace, it requires self-control. That's what makes grace such a beautiful and difficult to obtain thing.

 

You need to work on your self control first and foremost. You need to also learn to love yourself. You can't just roam around saying "I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED" it sounds pathetic and no one will be inclined to love you if you don't love yourself and are instead begging for self-actualization and love from someone else. If you loved yourself, you wouldn't need to get carried away and lose yourself in a relationship, and therefore you wouldn't drive those people away. If you want to break this pattern, those two things are where you need to begin.

[lilyv]

Can someone help me figure out my pattern?

 

I start out cool and in my groove and then I lose myself in the relationship when I feel my partner pulling away. I get dumped ( last four relationships ) I always hold on longer than needed even if I know it wasn't right...until my relationships reach a breaking point and my partners dump me. When I experience this rejection I have a major reaction... I'm experience unbearable pain and loss. I'm wreckless, vindictive and revengful. I only act this way when my ex partnerss don't take accountability for their part in the break down of the relationship ( the last 3 didn't acknowledge their part and blamed me entirely and then walked away which made me react ) my other one took responsibility and 3 years later we are best friends.

 

And it's about the way I react. I don't leave these relationships gracefully... I think I would have an easier time leaving gracefully if these men owned their part. But instead they don't and I go into breakdown mode.

 

In the past few years I have written the relatives and friends of ex partners telling them how guilty my ex was...i have hit majorly below the belt with insults and done a number of revengfull things I'm not so proud of.

 

I'm trying to figure out why I always act this way and how to bow out gracefully and keep my dignity and self respect? Why do i keep repeating this pattern.

 

Each one of the last three ex's will no longer speak to me and I'm beating myself up over here wondering why it's so easy for some people and so hard for me.

 

I just want to bee loved. I just want a long term relationship but can't sustain one past a year.

I would look into researching topics like love addiction, attachment styles and avoidant types. We sometimes seek others with silently heavy expectations of validating our value because we're not practicing this on our own. So when we perceive rejection, our explosive reactions become evident. Hope I make sense.

[reinventmyself]

And it's about the way I react. I don't leave these relationships gracefully... I think I would have an easier time leaving gracefully if these men owned their part. But instead they don't and I go into breakdown mode.

 

 

You are regretting your behavior and reactions and at the same time blaming the ex for it because he didn't own his part?

You aren't taking responsibility for your actions either if you blame your bad behavior on them.

 

How do you change that? You just do. You are the only one responsibility for how you act out.

You make a commitment to yourself that in spite of everything you will do your best to act maturely and take the high road.

So when all is said and done you don't have regrets and wished you had handled your part with dignity. It's basically a choice.

 

Outside of a painful break up you don't need to deal with regretting your actions. Save yourself some grief and practice self control.