Sexless Relationship - What Should I Do?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but "sex therapy" will be another sham...even if you "push him to go" which it is doubtful he will because you have zero leverage. He's content and you refuse to leave or take a stand or believe the real reasons.

 

You would be better off going to counseling yourself to explore your options perhaps include him at some point. Because there is a lot more to this than you think. Dragging him to "sex therapy" will be a huge mistake. Address the real issues.

I think he will go for me because I will push him too. He has said in the past that he 'doesn't see what the big deal is'

[Hermes]

In your OP you said:

 

"When we do have sex he never makes an effort to please me, even though I have told him how it makes me feel on many occasions. He said he finds the idea of touching a woman down there 'weird'. "

 

Note that he says "a woman" as opposed to "touching you down there".

 

And he makes no effort to please you. Sex, such as it is, is a mechanical act for him, much as if you were a rubber doll.

 

I know I would want to know what is going on, because I find this so bizarre.

[Eleanorneedshe]

Sorry to hear this but "sex therapy" will be another sham...even if you "push him to go" which it is doubtful he will because you have zero leverage. He's content and you refuse to leave or take a stand or believe the real reasons.

 

You would be better off going to counseling yourself to explore your options perhaps include him at some point. Because there is a lot more to this than you think. Dragging him to "sex therapy" will be a huge mistake. Address the real issues.

 

The only real issue that I have with our relationship is his aversion to sex, unwillingness to listen and make a change in regards to that. I don't see how going to counselling by myself would help with that problem. It is so difficult to just leave or take a stand when there is a child involved, if I were to do that he would have nowhere to go thus limiting his contact with our son. So of course leaving him/splitting up is going to be a last resort.

[Hermes]

I do agree that you must go together, Eleanor, to counselling.

 

I understand your concerns about your child, but try to imagine what the next decades could be like living in that kind of empty marriage. You might as well be living with your brother.

 

What do you mean that if you were to leave he'd have no where to go. Like so many other people he'd have to find accommodation. I assume he is working.

[Eleanorneedshe]

In your OP you said:

 

"When we do have sex he never makes an effort to please me, even though I have told him how it makes me feel on many occasions. He said he finds the idea of touching a woman down there 'weird'. "

 

Note that he says "a woman" as opposed to "touching you down there".

 

And he makes no effort to please you. Sex, such as it is, is a mechanical act for him, much as if you were a rubber doll.

 

I know I would want to know what is going on, because I find this so bizarre.

 

I find it very bizarre as well and I have tried to have so many conversations with him about it. I will say he doesn't like discussing sex, he will avoid the topic if possible. One of the things that effected me the most is the fact that he used to watch porn so frequently, yet didn't seem to have any drive for me. Now I believe that he is not watching porn anymore (to the best of my knowledge, unless he is doing it at work which would be the only possibility) but he still doesn't seem to have any drive for me. It's very strange because I have never met a man like him before. I think much of what he has learnt about sex is from pornography, and his parents are quite a bit older (especially his dad who is in his 70's) and he never used to be able to talk to them about sex.

[Eleanorneedshe]

He is working but we live in London and accommodation is extremely expensive. He would have to move at least an hour away to be able to afford anywhere.

[Wiseman2]

Are you supporting him? Did he move into your house? What do you mean "he has nowhere to go"? Many many divorce couples have fine custody/visitation arrangements...that makes no sense. Sounds more like you want him around and will cheat if he doesn't wake up, right?

 

There are many many issues here you won't look at, why won't counseling for you alone bring insight into that?

he would have nowhere to go thus limiting his contact with our son.

[Eleanorneedshe]

Are you supporting him? Did he move into your house? What do you mean "he has nowhere to go"? Many many divorce couples have fine custody/visitation arrangements...that makes no sense. Sounds more like you want him around and will cheat if he doesn't wake up, right?

 

There are many many issues here you won't look at, why won't counseling for you alone bring insight into that?

 

Yes many couples do, but coupled with our age and trying to rent in London on a low salary it is impossible. All of his connections (family, friends) are in Wales so he could move back there, but how would he have contact with his son living 3-4 hours away?

[Hermes]

I think you will find the roots of his aversion back in his childhood/youth, for whatever reason.

 

I've never met a man like that either, Eleanor. Any I have met, including my husband, can never get enough! lol.

 

Watching porn is not necessarily the problem. A lot of men watch porn and frequently at that.

 

Did he have relationships with any/many women before you? Did he have girlfriends, as most young men would have, in their teens, twenties etc. How did things go with them, I wonder.

 

Most of us didn't have long earnest conversations with our parents regarding sex. L.

We learned as we went along, so to speak.

 

So. What do you think?

 

Also, there are many people who have to travel a lot farther than that to get to their job in London.

 

"He would have to move at least an hour away to be able to afford anywhere." An hour is nothing.

 

Why would he need to scamper back to Wales?

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered that he is not attracted to you or having extramarital sex (lovers, hookups, prostitutes, etc.)?

One of the things that effected me the most is the fact that he used to watch porn so frequently, yet didn't seem to have any drive for me.

[Eleanorneedshe]

I think you will find the roots of his aversion back in his childhood/youth, for whatever reason.

 

I've never met a man like that either, Eleanor. Any I have met, including my husband, can never get enough! lol.

 

Watching porn is not necessarily the problem. A lot of men watch porn and frequently at that.

 

Did he have relationships with any/many women before you? Did he have girlfriends, as most young men would have, in their teens, twenties etc. How did things go with them, I wonder.

 

Most of us didn't have long earnest conversations with our parents regarding sex. L.

We learned as we went along, so to speak.

 

So. What do you think?

 

I know he did have one night stands with women before me, but I was his first serious relationship. I was always able to be very open with my mum, maybe that's why I find it strange he never was with his parents.. I honestly can't think of a reason why he is like this, I think sex therapy is the route to pursue now to try to get to the bottom of this.

[Eleanorneedshe]

I guess a big part of me would just feel guilty for our son, and feel like a failure that I couldn't make our relationship work.

[Hermes]

"He said he finds the idea of touching a woman down there 'weird'. "

 

I don't think there is an affair, lovers or anything like that, unless, of course, and it can't be ruled out: another man.

 

No reason to feel guilty Eleanor. You are doing your best.

 

You wouldn't be the only separated parent on the planet and in most cases the child or children is seen regularly by the other parent.

[Eleanorneedshe]

Have you considered that he is not attracted to you or having extramarital sex (lovers, hookups, prostitutes, etc.)?

 

I've thought he may not be attracted to me, and I have asked him if this is the case, and he has denied it. So he could be lying to save my feelings, but I would rather he was honest if that was the case at this point. I've also considered he could be having sex elsewhere, but I doubt this is the case as I don't see when he would have the time, he's either at work or at home. I think sex just doesn't bother him, he doesn't see it as a big deal. It doesn't effect him, so why should he bother?

[Hermes]

Just to ask, Eleanor.

 

This obvious disinterest in sex and peculiar way of practising sex, did that not seem odd to you when you first met, started dating? Any man who finds it "weird" (disgusting?) to touch a woman down there, well, that would raise a red flag for me.....

[Eleanorneedshe]

Just to ask, Eleanor.

 

This obvious disinterest in sex and peculiar way of practising sex, did that not seem odd to you when you first met, started dating? Any man who finds it "weird" (disgusting?) to touch a woman down there, well, that would raise a red flag for me.....

 

He didn't admit that he finds touching a woman down there 'weird' until the last year. At the beginning of our relationship I just thought he was inexperienced and shy, that in time he would learn and grow. I knew I was his first 'real' relationship, so I just assumed I would be the one to teach him about pleasing females and then things would improve.

[Hermes]

I see.

 

But we ladies, it isn't really our job to teach inexperienced and shy men (I didn't even know they existed anyhow! L). How did you come to meet him, and what attracted you to him?

 

However, here we are now, and you need to move matters forward.

[Eleanorneedshe]

I see.

 

But we ladies, it isn't really our job to teach inexperienced and shy men (I didn't even know they existed anyhow! L). How did you come to meet him, and what attracted you to him?

 

However, here we are now, and you need to move matters forward.

 

Yes I agree, I am going to try sex therapy as suggested. If that doesn't work then I think we will enviably split up, I am only 22 and I very much *used* to enjoy sex. I don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life in a sexless/unhappy relationship.

[Eleanorneedshe]

Sorry, that should ready inevitably.

[Hermes]

Good for you Eleanor. Only 22! Gosh. You have decades and decades before you.

[bunzana]

you say sex doesn't matter to him yet he used to spend hours watching porn...i don't see these two ideas are compatible.

[limichelle]

I know something psychologically evolved somehow in his mind an adversion to lady parts and sex. Before it doesn't sound like any trouble with him watching porn and you two having a baby. Do you think he could be feeling guilty or confused about his sexuality as of recent? Or maybe is afraid to commit?

 

I ask because I had a wonderful sex life with my ex for seven years and when he fell into a deep psychosis he had the same attitude and adversion and wouldn't go near me for the last three years. It was as if he was repulsed! He kept telling me he was gay. It turned out he was guilty because he couldn't commit but it somehow translated into me being the problem and not him.

 

Not saying your boyfriend has psychosis.

 

There is just more then meets the eye.

 

I think a sex therapist could crack the code. Just be prepared in case it is something that can't be fixed.

 

Good luck,

 

Lisa

[HealingHeart]

Wow, I'm in a similar relationship, but the other way around. My wife never seems to want it, or even start it. I have always been the one to engage or start, and always have to "work" for it just to get her in the mood. I have always asked her if it was me, am I unattractive, etc. but tells me it isn't that. When we first met, we had sex quite often, then after marriage and now having 3 kids, seems like her sex drive is gone. She says sex isn't important to her and even says she could continue on for the rest of her life without sex and be fine with it. But here's where it all gets me, she went out and cheated on me...

 

So if sex isn't important anymore and she could go on without sex, then why did she go out and have an affair?

 

It's been a year now since the affair, and I had decided to stay with her since she told me I was the one she wanted to be with for the rest of her life, but it's been bothering me as why she did it and the way she did it was so bad, I'm struggling whether to stay and keep working on it or move on. My mind is always jumping back and forth, I love her so much but at the same time mad and disgusted at her for what she did and the way she did it.

 

We do have sex more often now, but as if it seems she's just doing it to keep me sastified, not because she wants it herself... since I'm always the one to engage it still and still have to caress her into the mood. Sometimes I just want to feel wanted and want herself to feel that she wants it from me...

[youareworthy]

Dear Eleanor,

 

It sounds to me as though your partner is of the sexual orientation called "asexual." He is strikingly like the husband of one of my best friends. Throughout their entire marriage, 25 years, she has been the only initiator, even on their honeymoon. He is not interested in anything other than the most bland of sexual acts, and though they had sex maybe once a month in the first year or two, it dwindled to quarterly by year 3, and by year five they were down to once a year. In year 15 they stopped altogether, and have only had sex once since then, in year 20. Both are terrified of conflict, so this has been the elephant in the room their entire marriage.

 

The situation has been frustrating, to say the very least, for my friend. She has finally had the courage to speak openly to him about it, over the course of the last six months, on repeated occasions, and they are now planning their peaceful divorce.

 

They did have sex just enough to conceive their 3 kids, who are wonderful people, so I am glad he could handle that much sex at least. He, like your partner, is simply not that fussed about sex.

 

If my friend were reading this thread, she would say, "If the psychosexual therapy doesn't work, end the relationship while you are young and have your whole life ahead of you!!!" She really regrets not listening to what she wanted and needed back when she was dating him and in the early years of their marriage.

 

So sad!

 

I am glad you are going to a therapist together. Blessings to you as you struggle through this challenging, deal-breaking issue.

 

Youareworthy

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Don't make his problem your problem. It would be wiser to end it than drag it out with therapy, etc. you can find a compatible normal guy in the time it takes you to beat your head against the wall like that. If he wanted sex, you would be having sex. It's really that simple.

I don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life in a sexless/unhappy relationship.

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