Recent ex contact - could it mean anything?

[mustlovedogs]

I posted about this recently in the Ex Bf/Gf forum:

 

Anyway, brief background: I started NC with my ex a little over 8 months ago. He randomly reached out a little over a week ago with a text basically saying "Hey, we are coming up on a year since my company did layoffs and it made me think of you. How are you? Did you get a job or go back to school?"

 

I'm trying to be rational, so I recognize it was just a friendly text - but the reason it has given me pause is he waited until the anniversary of HIS company's layoffs. I was laid off a year ago July, so if he was just trying to be curious, why not reach out the anniversary I was laid off? It also seems strange to me to just reach out randomly after a months of silence.

 

We ended up chatting a bit (maybe 3 or 4 texts each, back and forth) and it naturally fizzled out. He would say things like "I'm so happy things are going well for you!" so he was pretty nice, but I didn't want to come off as eager so I let conversation end and it's been silent since.

 

I haven't spoken to him in so long so I'm not even sure we would still have chemistry. Even so, I'm intrigued. Could he have been testing the waters to see if I would respond? Is it possible he's been thinking of me and might be missing me?

 

Or is this absolutely, 100%, a benign friendly text and I won't hear from him again for another half year or more?

 

Basically, what are your experiences when an ex breaks extended NC for no specific reason other than to see how you're doing?

[Jibralta]

As someone who has randomly reached out to her exes after prolonged silence, I'd say it could just be a benign friendly text.

[mustlovedogs]

But why would you reach out? I can't imagine I would ever reach out to an ex unless it was more than friendly (that's my state of mind, so I'm trying to understand why others would do it).

[SooSad33]

Bu sounds of it.. just sounds like.. thinking of you.. that's all. Yes, is common.. means nothing.

 

One thing I recently read was MOST times re: getting back togther with an ex will fail.

 

There's too much damage done and feelings will not be as they were first round.. plus added damage already present from the break up itself.

 

I've had ex's contact me again.. one way or another. So often I do NOT respond. No reason to.... and keep going.

[Jibralta]

But why would you reach out? I can't imagine I would ever reach out to an ex unless it was more than friendly (that's my state of mind, so I'm trying to understand why others would do it).

 

To me, it seemed as normal as not reaching out seems to you. Who knows why people are different like that.

 

I think your response was good.

[Marie83]

My ex came back twice professing love and one of those times he even asked me to move in with him. However, he took it back within a couple weeks both times. It always starts off friendly. In my opinion, it only leads to more heartbreak. They may want an ego boost, something may have ended with someone else so they reach out to feel less alone and still wanted, many reasons. But none positive in my experience.

[mustlovedogs]

Marie - was his first contact professing love or something more benign?

 

I'm just trying to understand his intentions. What I do after isn't relevant just yet.

[nihongo]

In my younger days, I've been the dumper more than once I've always reached out to my exes. The reasons varied such as it didn't work out with another girl, I was thinking about her, I missed her and/or I wanted to reconcile. But I never directly said I wanted to reconcile mostly because I was still unsure. I just wanted to feel out the situation. Take his text with a grain of salt. He may just string you along and get your hopes up. If he contacts you again, I'd be blunt and say - if you don't want to reconcile, then please give me my space. Good luck!

[Jibralta]

To elaborate on my above post, when I broke up with someone, it was because I was done with the relationship and over it. I've never contacted an ex to get back together with them. Only twice have I ever gotten back together with an ex. One time was when I was still in high school and everybody was like, "Oh come on." The other time was 11 years after we'd broken up. The second person was somebody who I truly loved. But just like the first time, it didn't work out.

[SkellyWoozle]

Sounds like it was as benign as "What did you have for breakfast". Random, maybe nice, but I wouldn't read anything into it. Maybe smile to think he was thinking about you, but leave it at that.

[gypsybird87]

I've had an ex call me after about a year on my birthday (on my work number- and I nearly dropped the phone when I realized who it was). I was the one who had ended that relationship, and he was really bitter about it at the time. The call was friendly, just catching up, some reminiscing of good times, how's your family, etc. He made no mention of reconciliation, and I would have said no if he had. We talked for about 15 minutes, and it ended with him saying maybe he'd call me next year on my birthday. He didn't and never has called since. I'm fine with that. He's a decent guy and I wish him well, but I have no desire to be friends or otherwise reconnect. I don't really have any idea why he contacted me, but it was harmless on my end, so if it pleased him or gave him "closure" or whatever in some way, then great.

 

I also had an ex contact me through facebook last Christmas. He was my high school sweetheart and first husband. I ended that relationship also. I hesitated to reply to his "Merry Christmas, how are you?" message... but friends including my bf at the time encouraged me to send back a friendly response. I should have listened to my gut. We chatted a bit and then he said he still loves me, has never gotten over me, and wanted to try again. He's never remarried or even been in another serious relationship. And we are in our 40s! He's literally been pining for 20 years, wth?! That was a difficult situation and I had to shut it down as quickly and firmly as possible.

 

Your experience sounds like my first one. Benign, friendly. I wouldn't let yourself get wound up into being "intrigued" by it unless you hear from him again AND he makes some mention of trying to rekindle things. Otherwise, just be content knowing that he thinks fondly of you, and wishes you well. A lot of breakups don't have that.

[Shane Falco]

Marie - was his first contact professing love or something more benign?

 

I'm just trying to understand his intentions. What I do after isn't relevant just yet.

 

Why don't you just ask him? Trying to read tea leaves and play the "what does this mean?" game is dumb and a waste of time. Just ask.

[Marie83]

He said he loved and missed me and brought our problems and solutions but left two weeks later.

[mustlovedogs]

The conversation ended a week ago and I'm not about to spark another one up. I was simply asking for others experiences as this is my first break up and his actions don't make sense to me. This is an advice forum, after all.

[Shane Falco]

The conversation ended a week ago and I'm not about to spark another one up. I was simply asking for others experiences as this is my first break up and his actions don't make sense to me. This is an advice forum, after all.

 

If there's another one, that's when you ask. If you isn't, you get your answer that way, too. Either way, it's best just to ask the source of these things then wonder.

[mustlovedogs]

Ok, fair point. I was going to ask if he did strike up conversation again. I mostly came here because my friend group whom I asked was fairly evenly divided. I was looking for broader opinions (or experiences, really).

[Shane Falco]

Ok, fair point. I was going to ask if he did strike up conversation again. I mostly came here because my friend group whom I asked was fairly evenly divided. I was looking for broader opinions (or experiences, really).

 

Speaking as a male, it's usually just a passing fancy. I know I sometimes have contacted people randomly out of the blue out of boredom or whatever. In those cases, whether there's a response or not my curiosity is satisfied and I go back to not really caring. I can't say I've ever really wanted to get back with someone I've broken up with (at least in a romantic sense), but if I'm looking for a hookup or something, I'd broach that pretty much immediately if I got an initial response. I'd have no fear of rejection from a person I've already rejected at all. Even if he is "toeing the water" I don't think he'd let a week or more go back without re-engaging in this situation if he was truly interested in reconciliation. Just simply by responding you communicated interest.

 

Either way, you're overthinking this. If it happens again, ask flat out what his purpose is. If he doesn't, then you already know. But yeah, don't waste anymore time trying to figure out the motives of another person.