Fighting with cousin over her boyfriend

[Maddyb12]

Hi all. I'm at a loss currently and not sure what to do. My cousin and I have been very close since we were adults, she's three years younger than me (21). Since she was 18 she has dated this guy who is awful to her. He's cheated on her, lied to her, had another girlfriend while being with her, refuses to let her tell people they're together, or take pictures with her or let her post any online. She has fake accounts on Twitter and Instagram to follow the girls she thinks he's talking to just to see if he's lying about talking with them. In particular there is one girl who has always been an issue. Throughout their whole relationship he was seeing her on and off as well. She says they were together for three years and same with my cousin and him. He lies about both of them etc.

 

Anyways over the years they've broken up gotten back together all the time. Last year I told her I couldn't handle it anymore and didn't wan to hear or be apart of it. I can't handle her flip flopping and changing her mind constantly about it she hates him or loves him. One second I'm supposed to be supporting her in how she needs to be done and he's awful and the next she's defending him and expecting me to see the good in him too. Point is-he's AWFUL to her. He changes for a little but he always reverts back. About six months ago they broke up over him lying again about seeing the girl I mentioned before. They didn't talk for over for months during this time he was back together with said girl. Literally went and slept with her the same day my cousin and him broke up. My cousin found out via stalking the girls Twitter that they had gotten together... Now... He reaches out to her a month ago and he sweet talked her one day and my cousin is back in bed with this guy. Doing everything for him, buying him things etc... Which is all things she always does she's essentially his b*tch.

 

We got into a fight tonight because I haven't reached out and tried to see her but the thing is I don't want to be involved in her life if he's in it. Is that fair on my part? I'm not expecting me to chose me over him but I just don't respect her decision in going back to him nor have the energy to be there for her through it. She's telling me I'm a bad friend and family member and I should support her and be here for her through anything but it's draining... If she's with me and he calls she has to lie and say she's alone or pull over the car to be somewhere quiet. It's just so much crap that I don't agree with...

 

Thoughts? Am I wrong for not wanting anything to do with his? I told her it's not that I don't care for her but I just can't handle it.

[pippy longstocking]

I walked away from my best friend ... friends since age 16/17 and we are now 49/50 , but I couldn't handle the drama anymore , I couldn't handle the *LIES , lies is a pretty strong word , so what I mean by lies is , telling me how wondeful these different men are , not telling me the full story , her ex contacting her and her going on and on and on about how much she hates him , then she went and married him ! This was the point I walked away , no more ... I realised she has to follow her path and me mine , end of !

[SherrySher]

I know this story like the back of my hand, I have lived it. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. You have to back away or when and if you decide to spend time with her, let her know that you aren't comfortable discussing her relationship but still want to be part of her life.

 

From lessons learnt, it won't matter what you say to her and she will always take his side and you will end up the bad guy. Trust me on that one. Even if you're trying to tell her something for her own good, it won't work.

 

Those are your only options, see her only if she agree's to not speak about her relationship and while he's not around, or become estranged.

I am sorry you're dealing with this, I know how hard it is to hear and see a loved one in a bad situation like this.

[Knot2loud]

You obviously care for your cousins well-being, but she picked him. This is just my opinion, but I have noticed more than once that if friends or family members discourage an obvious bad relationship that the person involved seems to try harder to stay in the bad relationship. One of my daughters was in a bad relationship a couple of decades ago. My wife and I did everything to discourage the relationship because she was hurting emotionally. No matter how often we talked to her and tried to point out specifics... Nothing mattered... It fell on deaf ears and she would go back to the guy. My wife and I finally decided to say nothing and do nothing. She would talk negatively about him... Cheating, lying, getting arrested... I just told her: "You picked him - He's your problem." My wife would tell her she didn't want to hear about it anymore. DD finally told the guy to get lost. Ironically, she didn't tell us until months later.

 

I guess I'm just saying that sometimes you just have to back off and let the person suffer through their own bad relationship.

 

Good luck to you.

[Anon18150]

You're not wrong for not wanting to be a part of it all but I feel abandoning her is. I speak from experience, I'm seeing a guy none of my family agree with which has resulted in my sister not speaking to me or seeing me for over a month now and I know of him and me broke up, I wouldn't want to lose my family as I know I would need them. The deal with us is I don't speak about him at all and they don't to me. We can still be a family but he's not allowed to be a part of It. I'd say don't push her away and still stay close as it isn't worth losing her over just explain you don't want to discuss him anymore as him hurting her is in turn hurting you? Maybe explain it in detail that you disapprove and you'll still be close you just don't want any part of her relationship as you'll always disagree.

[j.man]

You're not wrong for not wanting to be a part of it all but I feel abandoning her is.

Sometimes it's all-or-nothing. I've known people whom I could continue to hang out with despite them having radically different views or making choices I could never agree with, but only because they kept that **** out of our friendship.

 

But often enough, there are people you simply can't have in your life without them rolling their baggage along with them. Cutting them off is the only solution.

[Seymore]

You're not wrong. It's called detaching.

 

Just reading the whole "You should be supportive because I'm a family member" raises my blood pressure just looking at it. It's such BS. You WERE supportive of her well being and showing you cared by showing your concern. What your cousin is saying really translates into "You're my family so you should agree with everything". So if she decides to start shooting up heroin tomorrow, you should be supportive? Zero logic there on your cousin's end.

 

Wrong for abandoning her? Puh-LEASE. That s*** is DRAINING and you have NO obligation to participate in that. In fact, I think your cousin is partly ticked off because you refuse to give her the attention for all the drama she's creating.

[Maddyb12]

We very much got into again this morning. She keeps pushing for these conversations and is upset at the outcome which is me telling her the truth

[boltnrun]

I had to tell two friends that I did not and would not support their so-called relationships with men who were, to put it mildly, bad for them.

 

Fortunately, they were both mature about it.

 

I told one friend that I did not support her continuing to see a guy who treated her badly. We agreed to never discuss him, and we didn't. We were able to stay friends ONLY because we both stuck to the agreement.

 

The second friend had announced she was marrying a guy she'd met only a month earlier. I wrote her an email telling her that I knew I was risking our friendship, but that I had concerns. She wrote back that she was honored that I cared enough about her to tell her something she may not have wanted to hear. She soon decided NOT to marry him after all (whew!).

 

Also, I used to be married and I went on and on to a work friend about how bad my marriage was. Then one day, she told me "Look, I love you, but either you divorce that bozo or you shut up about him because I'm sick of hearing you complain without doing anything about it!" At first I was shocked...but then I realized she was 100% right! And I love her for being real with me and for refusing to blow sunshine up my butt.

 

Sounds like your cousin wants you to agree with her all the time. And you are in no way obligated to do so. If she can't agree to not discuss this horrible man, you may have to step away and accept the fallout. Hopefully someday soon she'll realize you actually WERE being loving and supportive of her.

[reinventmyself]

Been there, done that.

My best friend has been wrapped up with some loser for over 2 yrs now. I won't even go into the details but she has tested our friendship to it's limits over this.

 

At some point I just told her `I can't bear to watch you play on the freeway any longer' and I distanced myself from her for a few months last year.

 

Over the past few months we have slowly found our way back, but the topic of this guy is off the table. I don't want to know and I don't want to hear about it.

If she is in a funk I can only guess why and then I cut our visit short.

As a result I can now tell she forces a happy face in my presence if she wants me to stick around.

 

You don't need to say or do anything more. I am sure she's heard it all already. This is her lesson to learn.

 

For me, I wanted to preserve the friendship and had to figure out the hard way how to do so without being exposed to the needless drama.

[j.man]

We very much got into again this morning. She keeps pushing for these conversations and is upset at the outcome which is me telling her the truth

Do you two live with each other or go to school together or something? How are you able to frequently have these arguments? If it's calling or texting, just ignore or block.

[Maddyb12]

Well I had ended the conversation last night but texted her this morning saying I needed my passport back (as that is very important and starting a new job etc) from there she went off about how awful of a cousin i am.