Communication

[bluestar]

I met someone I felt really wonderful with and we've been enjoying months of bliss. We recently went on short holiday and found we were experiencing a few problems with communication: mainly that he became frustrated and angry when things went wrong (it was a road trip and there were problems with some of the journey, or sometimes it was just little glitches with the hotel), and I felt distanced from him when he got angry like that and told him so. We tried speaking about it at the end of the break, but he became quite defensive and we agreed to speak properly when we were both back, then he went away again so we've had a period of being apart now for a couple of weeks and we haven't seen each other yet to speak properly. In the meantime his texting and calling has really dropped away and I feel we are really lacking communication. He has now said he has concerns about us staying together but I then feel he is leaving the chasing/communication up to me. For example he asked if we could talk tonight but then he doesn't call-perhaps he is holding out for me to call.

 

I really like this man and am surprised at his behaviour. I would like to put these problems behind us and hoped that we could learn from the issues and hopefully get closer as a result. But I'm concerned about the way he is suddenly so different and seemingly not very open about resolving conflict.

[j.man]

We tried speaking about it at the end of the break, but he became quite defensive and we agreed to speak properly when we were both back

If I had to guess, despite the rest of the details you've given us, the details of this conversation are what really matter.

 

Road trips are tricky. Even as far as couples go, you're talking close confines for extended amounts of time. You have to be OK with moments of quite time, particularly when one of you is frustrated.

[limichelle]

They say going on your first vacation as a couple is a true test in compatibility and what the other person is really like, it brings out all sides of the person good and bad. Sounds like you saw a lot of his bad side with his anger.

I would call him and see what is going on. if he is wanting to end a relationship over something me mainly did then you are better off without him.

 

Lisa

[Swevelery]

Hmmm...I am a bit confused by your post but this is what I got of it:

 

You went on vacation together.

Some mild things went wrong.

His temper showed and it upset you.

You tried to bring it up(in person?), but he got angry again.

You haven't seen each other in a while and he doesn't seem interested in contacting you.

 

Is that the jist of it?

 

To me, this guy seems like he has anger issues. If you can't discuss calmly things that are wrong, or you can't express times when you are upset, then that is going to lead to more problems down the line.

I was with someone who also had anger issues. At first it showed as depression and suicidal thoughts/actions (cutting and such). Then after moving past the self harm, he moved on to breaking things and just being insanely angry over little stuff.

Our whole 6.5 year relationship, I felt like I could not talk to him because it would cause a huge argument. I was always afraid to bring up problems, because I didn't want to make the issue bigger.

 

When you feel like you cannot communicate because of fear of the other person's reaction, that's not a good sign.

I would contact/call him. Discuss your concerns. Gauge his reaction. If again, he gets angry, you need to realize that that anger is most likely not going to go away. I know I thought it would with my ex, but it never did...no matter how many times he apologized or said he was working on it.

 

He might also be avoiding calling you because he does not want to discuss the issues you guys had.

[ControlDenied]

Comunication in #1. If it breaks down the rest starts falling apart. 2 weeks without a serious/honest/compassionate conversation should NEVER HAPPEN. That's when things start to fester

[bluestar]

He might also be avoiding calling you because he does not want to discuss the issues you guys had.

 

To me this feels like what is going on. I don't want to bring up the anger issues without being face to face. When we have spoken or text it is not the same as before-less frequent, less connection. I have said a few times now that I've noticed this and it makes me concerned, as when there are communication issues I would feel more secure if the communication levels stayed the same or increased-even if we are at a physical distance. But he came up with excuses, and nothing has changed, he is still texting and calling a lot less and not clear on when we will see each other again. That is just not him. I feel like he is creating space-not necessarily between us, but between us and the incident.

 

I feel really frustrated. Like he is testing me to call it off-which I don't want. But I don't like feeling taken for granted or played with emotionally. I don't want to call it off but how long do you give it with someone being flaky and vague, even when you're telling them gently that you want to reach a solution together?

[catfeeder]

He doesn't sound like a good traveler. If pressing for talk while he was mid-travel before wasn't good, why would you expect that he'd be any better at communicating while he's still traveling?

 

When does he get back home?

[bluestar]

He doesn't sound like a good traveler. If pressing for talk while he was mid-travel before wasn't good, why would you expect that he'd be any better at communicating while he's still traveling?

 

When does he get back home?

 

Really good point! He's back now but travelling for work and it's going to be really erratic for another week at least. We met for dinner and I brought some things up gently. I listened to a lot of his feelings and he said he is trying to open up after a lot of relationships where he hasn't before. I valued this. But he wasn't so keen to hear about my side of things or comfort me really, and he brought up a few things that he is unhappy about from my side. Don't feel 100% reassured.

[catfeeder]

But he wasn't so keen to hear about my side of things or comfort me really, and he brought up a few things that he is unhappy about from my side. Don't feel 100% reassured.

 

How did you explain your side of things, and what were his complaints with you?

[bluestar]

Now getting concerned. We saw each other for dinner but he had to go away again for work for another 5 days. The attraction is still there but he really avoids any type of discussion of feedback from my side-although fine if we are talking about his feelings. Text have slowed down and are more casual, phone calls are later, when he's tired and shorter. I feel like he's distancing himself to get some space.....and perhaps prepare me at the same time. It feels hard and so indirect. But I know if I ask him he will feel pressurised and pushed. Feeling very unhappy.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like the trip revealed some incompatibilities and communication problems and he is trying to fade out of the relationship with breaks and not contacting and hinting at it.

He has now said he has concerns about us staying together but I then feel he is leaving the chasing/communication up to me. For example he asked if we could talk tonight but then he doesn't call-perhaps he is holding out for me to call.

[bluestar]

I agree it brought up some issues-but none of them were really unworkable. To throw the whole thing away, with so much potential, because of some holiday which didn't go well and was probably premature......I'm really surprised at his reaction. And so hurt and disappointed if he is trying to "fade out".......

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is not a good sign. Try to pull back and not initiate communication to assess what's going on and see if he comes to you.

He has now said he has concerns about us staying together but I then feel he is leaving the chasing/communication up to me. For example he asked if we could talk tonight but then he doesn't call-perhaps he is holding out for me to call