Jump to content

How do I deal with my boyfriends controlling mother?


Recommended Posts

*this post is very long, i'm very sorry*

my SO and i have been dating for about ten months now. i met his mother a week before we officially began dating, since our very first encounter (between me and his mother) i found her to be very overbearing, upon first meeting her she asked me (i was 16 at the time) when i would be ready to marry and have kids. i told her that i was nowhere near ready to even THINK of anything like kids and marriage and i found it extremely appalling for a mother to instill the idea of marriage and children into a 16 year olds head, especially since she herself was a teenage mother, i expected for her to not encourage the same actions in her son. despite this i continued my relationship with my SO and his parents were lovely at the time. however, three months into the relationship his mother completely flipped. she began to tell my SO that i was ugly, that he deserved better, and that he should not be with me. many events have happened in which i feel that his mother has an issue, so many that i can't remember all of them, i will list them out to the best of my ability:

* i was elected president for national honor society at my school (it's kind of a big deal!!) they held a ceremony and recognized me at the school, i invited my boyfriend and his family along with mine. his mother made him late purposely, according to my SO. and stormed out of the ceremony when they began to recognize me. this was before any conflict, i found it odd how i had done nothing to her and she stormed out.

* my SO and i had an argument (as all teens do) and i decided it was best to take a 24 hour break, in order for us not to say things we would later regret or verbally attack each other. i said it was best and that we would revisit the problem in 24 hours. those 24 hours just happened to be on Mother's Day. according to his mother, my SO was visibly upset and crying that day. later that day she sent me really ugly text and called me, insulting me and calling me obscenities. i have never been treated in such an ugly manner but i handled it to the best of my abilities- i told his mother that i would not yell or insult her in return, but that i would appreciate it if she could not speak to me in that manner. she told me she had nothing more to say to me and that she wouldn't be speaking to me anymore (which didn't bother me, i wouldn't have to hear her insults or comments any longer)

* she has ignored me ever since, in the childish immature "silent treatment" way. i continue to respect her, say thank you, hello, and goodbye.

* she has on countless accounts forbidden my SO from coming over to watch a movie or work on homework.

* she has banned me from his home. (which i respect, but don't necessarily understand)

* she insulted me: called me ugly, not good enough, insulted my mother.

* she disconnected his phone and his internet. which was triggered by him asking that if he did his chores, mowed the lawn, and completed his responsibilities- if he would be allowed over to my house so that i can help him with his assignment for school. her automatic response was "i am cutting off any connection that you have with her, starting with your phone and internet"

i am not at all a vain or conceited person, but i can say with certainty that i am not "ugly", again i wouldn't say i'm the best person in the world but i know i am a good girlfriend to my SO. before i entered his life, he had no focus on school or on his future. i have changed that for him and made more opportunities for him. i am at the top of my class, president of my school's national honor society, Vice President of my school's community service group, and highly involved in academics and sports. i have never touched drugs, alcohol, or have even had sex yet. i am not saying that i am better than others or that i am an angel, but i certainly don't think i am a negative influence on my SO. if anything i have brought more positivity and focus into his life. he is visibly happier with his friends, he is involved in school, and his grades have improved so much- he is hoping he will now be accepted into his dream school! i do not want to make assumptions, but i personally believe that his mother's change in attitude has stemmed from her jealousy of me: maybe she didn't get to do the things i did in high school because she was pregnant with her son, maybe she is insulted by her son's newfound happiness because the root of it is myself rather than her, maybe she disapproves of the relationship because she is jealous of his connection with me and my family. not only have i found her resentment towards the relationship odd, but her way of treating her son is questionable. i am not one to judge, i do not have a child, but i have learned a lot from my parents and both my parents and i find her actions strange:

* his mother does not allow him to use the restroom until night time

* my boyfriend is not overweight but he is unhealthy and has many health issues because he doesn't eat right. his mother eats and feeds her family only junk and fast food: (McDonald's, fried chicken, burger joints, etc) and when i say everyday i mean everyday. no breakfast, fast food for lunch and dinner.

* my SO never has food at home, he is constantly left hungry and me and my mother have made it a point to cook him a few meal in advance for him to take home and eat.

* he had to beg his mother for money to buy school supplies this year. mind you, they are not a low income family- she has money for vacations, weekly outings, expensive cars, and purses. but she did not want to give her son $20 to buy notebooks and pencils for the new school year.

* he worked at chick fil a for a summer and has complete control over his finances.

* again, she recently disconnect his phone and his internet. i understand disconnecting his phone, that is his parents decision, but at our high school- internet is a necessity for homework. he now has no way of completing his assignments.

at this point i am not looking for a solution. i am looking for a way for me not to lose my mind. if anybody has any pointers or has been through something similar please tell me how you managed to make it through or maybe your hypothesis on why his mother acts this way. i don't want to break up with my SO because of his mother. he is a good guy with a good heart, i don't want external forces to damage our relationship.

Link to comment

It's only been 10 mos. and you have seen a host of reasons to end this. Focus on friends, your own family, school and stop dating this guy. You can not fix him, his mother, their family, their finances or any of their dynamics that upset you.


Date guys, don't 'rescue' them from themselves/their families. Maybe get counselling/insight about rescuing and fixing people, since that indicates a problem.

Link to comment

Are you guys south Asian? Pakistani or Indian?


In any event, I think you would be showing yourself that you have love and esteem of self if you let this guy go and leave him to his dreadful mother. She sounds like Cinderella's evil step mother. He does nothing to stand up to her or even talk to her about his love for you and hope that she would be accepting (at least you don't say he has).


You're too young to be getting yourself into any kind of tie to this woman and her unassertive son.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...