Realization; she's truly gone:(

[JustinPonders]

Yup, she's gone. My love.

 

It's been nearly 3 months now and aside from a couple of mixed signals, here and there, through social media, she's made no other attempt at reaching out to me, whatsoever. She's The Terminator of NC man. I literally begged like a puppy dog shortly after I, like an idiot, overreacted and broke it off with her over text. Yes, very immature and pathetic. I know. I, a week later, back-peddled and wanted back with her but it was too late. She wanted nothing to do with me. And now, she simply sees me as non-existent. A non-factor. A ghost. Dead. And THIS is what's eating me up inside. 3 months worth. Oh man, the thoughts, the regret. It's unbearable. I catch my self in zombie mode most the time, daily, and the scary thing is I thought I was getting better a short while ago. But just recently, I've regressed. Just before the breakup I handled my reaction to a situation with my ex poorly and now I'm paying the ultimate price; abandonment.

 

I was naive for a while and probably still am, thinking she might contact me, but I guess now that it's been nearing 3 months of NC, it hit me harder then ever; she just doesn't want me anymore and truly isn't coming back.

 

See, the thing is we weren't exactly a healthy relationship. I'll admit. You can call it toxic. The both of us. Maybe we needed to be together to experience this breakup in order for us to become stronger apart. Who knows. And I know most of you will say it was for the best and that I should try to focus on myself. I know this and I totally get it on a conscious level, but it's still so hard. So very hard. All I know is I don't feel strong now. In fact, I feel incredibly vulnerable. Depressed. Confused. Angry. Heck, all the emotions I can think of, as most of you can attest. Yes, I realize it takes time and maybe something better will happen, as a result of this, but as of right now, this very moment, it's just plain awful.

 

Obviously I'm not over her. I still love her dearly. But I can't seem to let her go. I tried, yet stubbornly hold on. I know I have to let her go, but I just can't loosen the grips. She's moved on but I haven't. As of now my mind is on cruise control with thoughts of her. You see, on the surface level of my brain, I get it. I understand. We weren't meant for each other, I guess. But deep, within my brain, it's the opposite. Deep within I'm still holding on to her firmly. Hoping. Wishing. Praying a miracle might happen; she just might call, this could still work. I know, I know, wishful thinking. But I truly feel that we should give this one last go before letting go completely because I've truly, TRULY learned from this ordeal. Besides, we were still a young couple. But I can only speak for myself, of course.

 

You see, this whole incident has made me realize just how much more precious life is and how you should never, ever take your partner for granted. Love is what's important, not who's right and who's wrong. Enjoy the moment. Laugh and make lite of situations as much as you can. Be happy more. Smile more. Talk more. Hug more. Kiss more. Wink more. Hold hands more. Be more understanding. All this is what's important in a relationship. Not all the dog-gone bickering, petty arguments, anger, games and especially ego. Yes, there will still be rocky moments during a relationship, I get it, but it's HOW you handle it is what's important. Never put yourself in a situation where you make it easy for your partner to leave you. That's precisely what I did. I got complacent and arrogant, therefore I devalued myself. And guess what, I lost. It's that simple. But it's certainly not what I want to stand for ever again. This is my commitment. This is why staying cognizant of the moment is important. It should serve as a reminder to help guide you in the right direction. Your partner is your partner for a reason, because they want to better themselves by being with you, not the other way around. It's not a game.

 

With that being said I'll end it with this. Time that passes is something we can never, ever get back. It's that precious. Be cognizant of the moment and in appreciation reflect that onto your partner which should, in return, raise your value. Great feel-good insurance.

 

Thank you for your time

[gebaird]

You see, this whole incident has made me realize just how much more precious life is and how you should never, ever take your partner for granted. Love is what's important, not who's right and who's wrong. Enjoy the moment. Laugh and make lite of situations as much as you can. Be happy more. Smile more. Talk more. Hug more. Kiss more. Wink more. Hold hands more. Be more understanding. All this is what's important in a relationship. Not all the dog-gone bickering, petty arguments, anger, games and especially ego. Yes, there will still be rocky moments during a relationship, I get it, but it's HOW you handle it is what's important. Never put yourself in a situation where you make it easy for your partner to leave you. That's precisely what I did. I got complacent and arrogant, therefore I devalued myself. And guess what, I lost. It's that simple. But it's certainly not what I want to stand for ever again. This is my commitment. This is why staying cognizant of the moment is important. It should serve as a reminder to help guide you in the right direction. Your partner is your partner for a reason, because they want to better themselves by being with you, not the other way around. It's not a game.

 

With that being said I'll end it with this. Time that passes is something we can never, ever get back. It's that precious. Be cognizant of the moment and in appreciation reflect that onto your partner which should, in return, raise your value. Great feel-good insurance.

 

Seriously profound, dude. Would you have written something like this 4 months ago, before the breakup? I suspect not. These are the lessons that, once learned, help us create different outcomes in our lives.

 

Sorry you are grieving. It's a process that is by nature uncertain, messy and non-linear. But if you can take your pain and use it to live and love better, it isn't wasted.

[reinventmyself]

Obviously I'm not over her. I still love her dearly. But I can't seem to let her go. I tried, yet stubbornly hold on. I know I have to let her go, but I just can't loosen the grips. She's moved on but I haven't. As of now my mind is on cruise control with thoughts of her. You see, on the surface level of my brain, I get it. I understand. We weren't meant for each other, I guess. But deep, within my brain, it's the opposite. Deep within I'm still holding on to her firmly.

 

It just takes longer for our heart to catch up with our logical brain sometimes. Just consider it normal and be patient with yourself.

[boltnrun]

Well, didn't you tell her to "f off" and then write on this forum that you did that because you expected her to "come crawling back on all fours" (your exact words, if I recall correctly)?

 

That was awfully arrogant and I can't blame her for staying away, to be honest.

 

However...I think you realize now that if you love someone, you do NOT tell then to "f off", and you do NOT take them for granted. Because you can't expect someone to have unlimited and unconditional love for you if you behave like that. And if this had to happen in order for you to learn to cherish those you love instead of arrogantly taking them for granted...then it's been worth it. Even if you can't see it right now.

 

And hopefully you will take this new attitude into your next relationship and meet someone who you can have mutual love and respect for.

[JustinPonders]

Well, didn't you tell her to "f off" and then write on this forum that you did that because you expected her to "come crawling back on all fours" (your exact words, if I recall correctly)?

 

That was awfully arrogant and I can't blame her for staying away, to be honest.

 

However...I think you realize now that if you love someone, you do NOT tell then to "f off", and you do NOT take them for granted. Because you can't expect someone to have unlimited and unconditional love for you if you behave like that. And if this had to happen in order for you to learn to cherish those you love instead of arrogantly taking them for granted...then it's been worth it. Even if you can't see it right now.

 

And hopefully you will take this new attitude into your next relationship and meet someone who you can have mutual love and respect for.

 

I didn't tell her to F-off. I was figuratively speaking when I said that. If you didn't catch that then sorry, I wasn't clear. Those words or any curse words for that matter were never used. And me expecting her to crawl on all fours was somewhat reasonable being as she called to tell me she was about to go to a straight guy's house, who I've never met, to drink and sleep over. Wouldn't you get mad and say things you'd later regret if your ex said that to you? Of course someone who loves their boyfriend or girlfriend would do anything to win back their ex's after such a boneheaded comment. So ya, you'd expect after saying such egregious words, if they indeed loved you, would do anything, including crawling on all fours to win you back. Come to find out later she was lying the whole time about the guy. He turned out to be her gay friend who she had told me about before. She said all that just to get a rise out of me, which it worked. The problem was in the manner in which I HANDLED it. I overreacted and showed her my immaturity, insecurity and jealousy. Hence the problem I'm in now.

[boltnrun]

Seems like the two of you bring out the worst in each other.

 

This relationship was not healthy. And that's probably why you're having such a hard time moving on. After all, when you think of her it brings out intense emotions, right?

 

Except...those emotions often have nothing to do with love. Not the secure, abiding, respectful love that lasts.

 

If you crave excitement and drama and intense highs and crashing lows...that's what it seems you'd get if this woman ever accepted you back. But hopefully she's realized how unhealthy the relationship was and stays away. And hopefully you will someday crave a loving, secure, respectful relationship with someone who doesn't say horrible things to you just to get a rise out of you, but instead will be supportive, caring and considerate.

[JustinPonders]

Seems like the two of you bring out the worst in each other.

 

This relationship was not healthy. And that's probably why you're having such a hard time moving on. After all, when you think of her it brings out intense emotions, right?

 

Except...those emotions often have nothing to do with love. Not the secure, abiding, respectful love that lasts.

 

If you crave excitement and drama and intense highs and crashing lows...that's what it seems you'd get if this woman ever accepted you back. But hopefully she's realized how unhealthy the relationship was and stays away. And hopefully you will someday crave a loving, secure, respectful relationship with someone who doesn't say horrible things to you just to get a rise out of you, but instead will be supportive, caring and considerate.

 

Boltnrun, you're right. But truthfully speaking I genuinely did love her. I just wasn't happy with some of the things she did, which is why I was so uptight during the end of our relationship. That's when I flipped. But these were things we could've worked on. Yes, we had our highs and extreme lows, and yes, you could say I thrived on some of the action and unpredictable nature of it but I genuinely loved her and wanted good things for us. And it wasn't all bad. We had good times. I just wished she wasn't so dam insecure and immature. Because I'm insecure as well and I was really doing a good job hiding it but she started provoking me in ways that eventually brought out my immaturity and insecurities. But where I think I was the bad person is maybe I was provoking her into provoking me because I wasn't showing her enough love and attention. She would from time to time make comments that I wasn't there, even when I was, so I believe this to be the case. This is what I wanted to work on. I wanted to be there for her. I mean like I said it wasn't all bad. I just wasn't really available to her needs which probably forced her to play these games. I feel so bad. And our relationship was still young. We just needed a little more room. Now, if this was like 2, 3, 5 years in, yes, I would agree it's over. But we were only 6 months in. We just needed to work out the kinks. It's just not fair to say it's best to be apart. It's not fair, especially when someone has learned from the experience as I think I clearly stated earlier in this post. But at this point it doesn't even matter. It's all over anyways so no need to even take this further. Thank you for your reply.