Got Too Drunk On Second Date

[Confused3150]

Uh... Pretty sure I said he was aiming to have sex with her. As in - CONSENSUAL sex, where she would be up for it too. Never once said I thought he was flying out there to rape her, which is what nailing her while she was passed out would've been. Yikes!! Way to bring this to a whole new level of skeevy!

 

Also - did you even read her whole post? OP never once blamed it on him, she was just giving us the backstory. She even said she is humiliated by her behavior and wanted to try to talk to him to at least figure out what happened. Her shame is obvious. What post are you reading? You're knee-jerk responding and assuming just because she's writing a story about how she got pass-out drunk with a guy and things went wrong that she's blaming him for her behavior or trying to imply he was responsible.

 

Just because he brought her home and put her to bed (which could mean many things, including and more likely that he took her home hoping she was going to have sex with him), doesn't mean that he was a gentleman either. Not to mention he flew there to be with her on the last flight - he had nowhere else to go. He can be a relatively decent dude who wasn't going to leave her drunk in the middle of the night, and still have been hoping to sleep with her.

 

The word, by the way, is "gentlemanly." But in light of how he acted, I'll agree with "gentleman - ish." I guess he was gentleman- ish. He could totally have raped her while she was passed out drunk and didn't! Wow! High Five, bro!

 

One of the reasons he flew in to see me was because there were no direct flights to where he was going, so he has to stop in my city anyway and said he'd like to take opportunity of that time to see me. It was planned so last minute, and he was getting in so late so I told him he was welcome to just come straight to my place (to avoid having to check in and drop his things off at the hotel etc)... However, I set boundaries with him and specifically told him we were NOT hooking up. I made that clear with him the first time we hung out and he respected that so I figured, why not? I don't know why people are now talking about rape.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly...that was not your concern since you woke up fully clothed with no signs of intercourse, right?

I don't know why people are now talking about rape.

[Confused3150]

I'm honestly leaning more to #3 of the scenarios I gave, because how many times have you ever, EVER, known of someone getting drunk and crazy and only get a vague description? The guy couldn't give you specifics, when usually in those circumstances you get more details than you want to know. As in, "You were drunk and violent." "What did I do?" "Well, let's see, first you picked a fight with the bouncer, calling him a neanderthal. Then you tried to rip off one of his eyebrows to prove your point. After that you slapped me when I told you we should go. That's when the cop walked up and asked if there was a problem...wait, I'm not done, this was all just within the first 10 seconds...shall I go on?"

 

This is why I wonder if it was all that bad or just him being sour grapes over not getting laid. People are usually really specific about drunken brawling behaviors in public.

 

So while I'm not saying nothing happened, his response to it just seems odd, off even.

 

Also the thing about being roofied is again one doesn't always just get stumbly and passive then black out. I know that, because I had a friend who worked in an ER. Sometimes people have an opposite reaction and they get violent and agitated. But his lack of details seems weird, given how much people love to tell you every thing you did when drunk.

 

Regardless, lesson learned. If you didn't actually get into legal trouble of any sort then I wouldn't worry about it. You have one person who isn't even in your town who claims something you can't remember, and he can't actually appear to confirm it either. So I would think you should relax.

 

P.S. I don't think he had sex with you while you were passed out. Most wouldn't, because sex with a semi-inanimate object that can't respond back isn't something most people enjoy anyways. Thank heavens. I just think the guy was hoping he'd still get something out of the deal, otherwise he'd have gotten you home then run.

 

Hi ParisPaulette,

 

I agree with this... I couldn't understand why he didn't give me any examples. I think it was a combination of me being really unattractive that drunk, and that he knew it wasn't going anywhere. I'm not worried about the sex part. My concern is with my "violent and aggressive" behavior.

[Confused3150]

Exactly...that was not your concern since you woke up fully clothed with no signs of intercourse, right?

Correct. I was in no state to do that. I wasn't even passed out... I was functioning and awake while blacked out.

[Confused3150]

Forget this guy, he was just looking for hookups when he rolled through town. Be glad you woke up fully dressed.

 

If he isn't the first to describe violent aggressive or belligerent behavior when drinking, maybe it's time to look into going to AA meetings.

 

This guy hopefully served as a catalyst that you are putting yourself at extreme risk and was wake up call for you to get help. Does alcoholism/addiction run in your family?

 

Actually grandfather on my moms side is a recovered alcoholic... hasn't drank since before I was born.

[TMifune]

One of the reasons he flew in to see me was because there were no direct flights to where he was going, so he has to stop in my city anyway and said he'd like to take opportunity of that time to see me. It was planned so last minute, and he was getting in so late so I told him he was welcome to just come straight to my place (to avoid having to check in and drop his things off at the hotel etc)...

 

Maybe he just wanted a free place to spend the night instead of hanging out in the airport.

[Confused3150]

Maybe he just wanted a free place to spend the night instead of hanging out in the airport.

 

No, because there was a flight the next morning with a 1 hour layover and he'd been at his parents house so there was no rush to leave that night.

[leseine7]

One of the reasons he flew in to see me was because there were no direct flights to where he was going, so he has to stop in my city anyway and said he'd like to take opportunity of that time to see me. It was planned so last minute, and he was getting in so late so I told him he was welcome to just come straight to my place (to avoid having to check in and drop his things off at the hotel etc)... However, I set boundaries with him and specifically told him we were NOT hooking up. I made that clear with him the first time we hung out and he respected that so I figured, why not? I don't know why people are now talking about rape.

 

I think people are just talking about the possibility of rape because it's a story involving a guy and drinks and blacking out and then a negative experience afterwards.

 

I want to clarify that I was absolutely NOT saying I think he raped you - that's what I meant in the post you quoted there too. I was saying ONLY that I believed his intention was to come hook up with you and that his reaction was probably mostly due to feeling annoyed when it didn't happen. It annoyed me when the poster I was responding to in that quote took what I was saying and twisted it into me implying he came there to rape you while you were passed out drunk, which is absolutely a different story. But, I do kind of get why people respond to stories like this making sure that you're sure that this guy isn't a lot shadier than he already seems!

 

The detail you added in your response about how you set a boundary re: sex that night with him is important, although I've for sure told guys in the past that I didn't want to have sex and they set out on a mission to change my mind. It's not the same as rape of course. But it's definitely frustrating to look back on.

 

Don't make yourself crazy wondering what kinds of things you said or did - if he's unwilling to fill in the gaps for you, there's nothing you can do. Maybe you thought you were with your ex and said harsh things to him. Maybe you got mean and hostile. Maybe you were just not putting out and were aggressive when he tried. Whatever the case, you are okay and so is he, and you can deal with the aftermath and never have to see him again. Of course it can be a wake up call, but give yourself a break here too.

[leseine7]

Hi ParisPaulette,

 

I agree with this... I couldn't understand why he didn't give me any examples. I think it was a combination of me being really unattractive that drunk, and that he knew it wasn't going anywhere. I'm not worried about the sex part. My concern is with my "violent and aggressive" behavior.

 

This was what alerted me most, to be honest (and sorry I am spamming this thread! For some reason there are a lot of details here I can't let go of haha) --- my first thought, and bear with me if it's too paranoid, is that something must have happened that would require you to be aggressive with him and tell him no or stop or something (and then I do think he stopped whatever he may have been doing, be it a boob grab or kiss or more or less.)

 

The reason I think that is mostly because, from personal experience, when a guy made that dramatic of an accusation of me it was because HE had something to be guilty of and he knew it. It was a way of making me feel ashamed and anxious about my behavior, and always worked - at least until I would put things together.

 

If something negative (again, I'm not saying rape, I'm just saying I do not think he was some innocent bystander you were swinging your fists at for no reason that night...) happened while you were that drunk, he probably knew your memory of it would be fuzzy, or that he could at least insist you did something awful and you would be more likely to believe him. And that way, too, if you started to think back and wonder what happened, he made sure you question your OWN behavior first, rather than his. It is not normal for him to just throw those kinds of blanket statements out there without giving at least one or two examples of how you were 'violent.' Like, what? Is he too traumatized by your behavior to talk about it? If so I highly doubt he would still be in your bed the next morning OR 'proceed to try to hook up with you.' This is not how someone behaves in that situation if what he was saying was 100% true, in my opinion.

 

You keep saying he was a decent guy so let's go with that. He may be a truly decent guy who realized you guys wouldn't work because of how you behaved while drunk, which was probably a turn off. Still, if you were behaving in a dangerous way, and he opted to take care of you and bring you home that night and stay and then scold you for your 'issues,' he could have at least clued you in on what exactly happened and it's not cool he didn't do that.

 

Just from your posts, though, I think it's more likely he's NOT that decent of a dude, and did a really good job of making sure you walked away feeling crappy about yourself.

[Sportster2005]

Unless it becomes a pattern, shrug it off. I'm sure it's not the first time you messed up, and it won't be the last. Keep it in perspective.

[Confused3150]

This was what alerted me most, to be honest (and sorry I am spamming this thread! For some reason there are a lot of details here I can't let go of haha) --- my first thought, and bear with me if it's too paranoid, is that something must have happened that would require you to be aggressive with him and tell him no or stop or something (and then I do think he stopped whatever he may have been doing, be it a boob grab or kiss or more or less.)

 

The reason I think that is mostly because, from personal experience, when a guy made that dramatic of an accusation of me it was because HE had something to be guilty of and he knew it. It was a way of making me feel ashamed and anxious about my behavior, and always worked - at least until I would put things together.

 

If something negative (again, I'm not saying rape, I'm just saying I do not think he was some innocent bystander you were swinging your fists at for no reason that night...) happened while you were that drunk, he probably knew your memory of it would be fuzzy, or that he could at least insist you did something awful and you would be more likely to believe him. And that way, too, if you started to think back and wonder what happened, he made sure you question your OWN behavior first, rather than his. It is not normal for him to just throw those kinds of blanket statements out there without giving at least one or two examples of how you were 'violent.' Like, what? Is he too traumatized by your behavior to talk about it? If so I highly doubt he would still be in your bed the next morning OR 'proceed to try to hook up with you.' This is not how someone behaves in that situation if what he was saying was 100% true, in my opinion.

 

You keep saying he was a decent guy so let's go with that. He may be a truly decent guy who realized you guys wouldn't work because of how you behaved while drunk, which was probably a turn off. Still, if you were behaving in a dangerous way, and he opted to take care of you and bring you home that night and stay and then scold you for your 'issues,' he could have at least clued you in on what exactly happened and it's not cool he didn't do that.

 

Just from your posts, though, I think it's more likely he's NOT that decent of a dude, and did a really good job of making sure you walked away feeling crappy about yourself.

 

Hi Leseine7,

 

I love your insight. Thanks for taking the time to really help me straighten all of this out in my head. Who knows what happened, but I agree that he's not that great of a guy. The more and more I think about it, he was not very nice at all. I remember before this even happened, he made some comments that made me feel bad inside- however I continued talking to him because I thought maybe I didn't understand his dry sense of humor. While I agree my behavior was incredibly unattractive, he was also very harsh about it. He told me I had serious issues I know I'm a very level headed person with a big heart, I just made some bad choices that night. I don't feel angry about anything... So I don't know why I behaved that way. Lesson learned, I'm going to be more careful how much I drink. Appreciate all your help.

[pippy longstocking]

Unless it becomes a pattern, shrug it off. I'm sure it's not the first time you messed up, and it won't be the last. Keep it in perspective.

 

I agree with mister sporty longstocking up there ^^^ I have been pissed over the years ..omg the states I have been in and now I don't drink at all and in all honestly

would rather have a marley the size of russia then a drink.

I think his reaction has been extreme but honestly you where going to get involved in a LD relationship . flying to see each other , I say you got out and did yourself a favour in the long run .

[milly007]

First off, Op, I wouldn't dwell over what happened. We're talking about a guy you barely know. For all we know he could be butt hurt over not hooking up with you (which is potentially what he had planned on/hoped for).

 

Let it go, but just take it as a learning experience. Gauge your drinking and take care of yourself!

[greta96]

Correct. I was in no state to do that. I wasn't even passed out... I was functioning and awake while blacked out.

 

The reason I asked if it was possible you two had sex (I wasn't suggesting rape) is exactly this, above. You mentioned Tequila. The one time I overdid the Tequila I was too fully functioning and yet blacked out, nobody could tell I was drunk and yet I allowed someone to kiss me that I would have never otherwise, in fact at that point it could have been a 90 year old toothless dude kissing me and I had no reaction what so ever! For the following few weeks I only remembered bits and pieces of the night, I would remember one thing but not how it ended, etc. My friends had to fill me in on what I ate, what I did - you get the idea. And yet, to everyone I looked perfectly sober and had I had sex with anyone, he wouldn't have been able to tell I was in fact blacked out - meaning, the sex would have technically been consensual.

I just don't think you did anything that bad, and I don't think that was the reason he didn't want to continue seeing you, that's all. Just let it go and next time you drink, stay away from the Tequila lol.

[westwardho18]

Am you can't blame the guy if it was the other way around you would have done then same, he only met ya twice, if you had just puked or something I would say he should have given you another chance anyway what's done is done we live and we learn maybe next time wait until he is in love before you show him the crazy jokes maybe try drinking a little more responsibly blacking out is not good if he was a bad guy he could have done a lot worse than leave