Do I have a right to be annoyed/frustrated?

[coastline]

Hello everyone,

 

 

I will try to short this up as much as possible. I lived with a girl in college that I could easily call my best friend. We did a lot of things together, and even vacationed together. We opened up to each other about problems in our lives. Every detail of our lives. We listened to music together, talked until 3 am in the morning, watched out for each other...etc etc. At one point, she found out about one of my most 'private' secret after I had a breakdown of some sort. She comforted me, but in a very distant manner (was on her phone messaging some guy) but I feel like I only am 'zooming' into the details of that and recalling it in that manner bc I am annoyed with her. That moment was very personal to me because I never revealed to anyone in my life..... and before I say anything else, I have always found people to be SO MUCH less empathetic than I've ever been and it mortifies me. I always have felt like I care too much.

 

I remember detailed things like that because I am now living on my own 5,000 miles away in a foreign country, and all these things about her are starting to come to me. I realize she looks down on everyone that doesn't work out and cares a lot about physical looks too much. She also has anger issues of one sort or another- as when she doesn't like someone or something she will do everything in her power to communicate it. I guess you could say those are the only 'negative' qualities that I can recall about her and they fluctuate throughout time.

 

All that I aside, I feel like I am only digging up all of this 'darker' stuff about her ONLY because I am no longer near her am and am currently very annoyed with her. I thought we would keep in touch the way we always did, and update each other on each other lives.

 

 

As of recent:

 

However, I was messaging her current housemates and was telling her how special she was to me and how much she deserved to have an amazing 21st birthday. I wanted them to coordinate something for her to make her weekend very special for her. One of the girls mentioned how they were going to make cake and invite some guy named Y (let's call him that) over. I was so shocked to find out that she was hooking back up with 'Y' AGAIN, as all she did was ask me for advise, comfort, and thoughts on her hook-up-esque relationship (it was a friends with benefits sort of thing) with Y. Y was a very cunning, selfish, and generally rude/unintelligent kind of person and we both would agree on that whenever we talked. She let him go and spoke ill of him. She talked about how she valued herself more than that and realized hookup's weren't for. I really admired her for that. Apparently, she is having casual sex with him again since these new housemates know about him (they wanted to invite him to her bday get together), and I find this despicable because she didn't tell me and I really despise this person. She's obviously hiding this from or doesn't think I deserve to know. I asked her new housemates who Y was and they said he was one of her 'many boytoys.' This isn't frustrating to me because I don't know, but rather, more so because I care about her and put so much time and energy into advising her of a better life, and I feel like she is hiding the fact that she isn't taking my advice or her own as well (isn't staying true to herself, or her word).

 

Another thing, my old boss somehow hired her and she now has my position (found this out via FB). She also did not tell me about this at all. I would immediately tell her if I did something like that because it's so coincidental/exciting/cool. We still talk very regularly about her life in general, and update each other, and I just find it so annoying that she is 'hiding' all this stuff from me. I don't know. I find all this to be very ingenuine. Maybe I am wrong?

 

 

Is it rightful of me to feel this way?

[j.man]

Her sex life isn't any of your business regardless of whether she has confided in you in the past. Even aside from her sex life, she's allowed to compartmentalize aspects of her life with certain friends. She's under no obligation to be an open book to you. I mean, you can be upset over anything you want. I wouldn't by any means call it "rightful," though.

[coastline]

Her sex life isn't any of your business regardless of whether she has confided in you in the past. Even aside from her sex life, she's allowed to compartmentalize aspects of her life with certain friends. She's under no obligation to be an open book to you. I mean, you can be upset over anything you want. I wouldn't by any means call it "rightful," though.

 

 

 

Thank you for your response. I just gave those out as examples, but I think my point was essentially that she would expect me to tell her about anything like that (knowing her) and regularly messages me, and expects me to tell her about my life here. I get that those are private matter regardless. Those are general topics that come up- esp with people around our age.

 

I am saying that I respect that in general, but what about the fact that she now literally has my old job? I don't even know if I would consider her a friend on that basis, like how do you not tell a good friend of yours that you have their exact same position in a company that I used to work for (and tell her about).

[j.man]

Thank you for your response. I just gave those out as examples, but I think my point was essentially that she would expect me to tell her about anything like that (knowing her) and regularly messages me, and expects me to tell her about my life here. I get that those are private matter regardless. Those are general topics that come up- esp with people around our age.

 

I am saying that I respect that in general, but what about the fact that she now literally has my old job? I don't even know if I would consider her a friend on that basis, like how do you not tell a good friend of yours that you have their exact same position in a company that I used to work for (and tell her about).

Then don't consider her a friend. It's obvious you two have grown apart since you've relocated, and that's fine. It's very typical when you consider time and distance. And it's of course also perfectly OK to look back fondly and miss aspects of a friendship. What I find particularly off-putting is bitterness in your tone. Referring to her hooking up with this guy as "despicable," being offended that she wasn't letting you in on her hook-up details, this sort of perceived audacity she has for straying from your past advice to her, assuming her not telling you something is her thinking negatively of you in the sense you don't "deserve" to know. It could be that I'm a guy and we seem to generally be a lot more laissez-faire about friendships and don't really care for this kind of drama, but I'm wondering if this isn't some kind of avoidance mechanism where you might benefit from focusing on yourself instead. I know it's tough being in a foreign country, but have you made some friends there to help occupy your time with?

[coastline]

Then don't consider her a friend. It's obvious you two have grown apart since you've relocated, and that's fine. It's very typical when you consider time and distance. And it's of course also perfectly OK to look back fondly and miss aspects of a friendship. What I find particularly off-putting is bitterness in your tone. Referring to her hooking up with this guy as "despicable," being offended that she wasn't letting you in on her hook-up details, this sort of perceived audacity she has for straying from your past advice to her, assuming her not telling you something is her thinking negatively of you in the sense you don't "deserve" to know. It could be that I'm a guy and we seem to generally be a lot more laissez-faire about friendships and don't really care for this kind of drama, but I'm wondering if this isn't some kind of avoidance mechanism where you might benefit from focusing on yourself instead. I know it's tough being in a foreign country, but have you made some friends there to help occupy your time with?

 

I'm sorry I didn't provide context...she would rant to be for hours about how despicable and conceited of a person he was....and I would advise and comfort her for days on end about it. It's not the jealous sort of thing, it's more of the 'I cared for you and how could you do this to yourself' sort of reaction. I really mean it. I can see why you may say that, and I agree that I may be wrong in being offended by the fact that she didn't stick to her own word or the advice I gave her in the past.

 

And I have made quite a lot of friends here, but I do find friends to be a qualitative thing over quantitive, which is why I imagined keeping certain quality friends over another.

[Zartos]

I don't think that you should be annoyed / frustrated with your friend. You have some right to be, but it won't have any positive results for either of you.

 

I do think that you should severely cut back on the amount of empathy you have for her. She has shown that she is willing to twist her logic or morals to fit whatever she wants them to be, and it's an emotional nightmare to try to care deeply for someone who doesn't follow / believe their own words.

[lancelot873]

it sounds like you are on the wrong side of this..i think you have feelings for her, and that's why it's frustrating you. you believe because you went through what you went through together that you are "entitled" to have the right know about everything that happens in her life. because you still care about her. "care" is a delicate word as in many cases it means "like" or have feelings for. this is especially true with opposite sex friendships.

 

bottom line, you have to make up your mind on what kind of friend she is and how you want to view it. you are in a different country now, and I don't see any reason why you would have some sort of "control" over her decisions to do what she wants. she is using that to her advantage, and you two have nothing official that prevents either of you to do what you please. do you have any other female friends? does it bother her that you have other female friends? does she not care about any of that? the answers to these questions should help you decide where you should be on the social ladder with her.

[catfeeder]

You're thousands of miles away, yet you're focused on gossip from home to avoid focusing on building a new social life where you are.

 

I'd skip that and move my focus back to my own life. I'd make it a goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to create a good life for myself. If the folks back home stay in good contact, great. If not, accept the all friendships diverge at some point as people focus on their own stuff--and focus on yours. The people who matter will cycle back into your life in the future, and you'll meet again on higher ground.

[coastline]

You're thousands of miles away, yet you're focused on gossip from home to avoid focusing on building a new social life where you are.

 

I'd skip that and move my focus back to my own life. I'd make it a goal to surprise myself with my resilience and ability to create a good life for myself. If the folks back home stay in good contact, great. If not, accept the all friendships diverge at some point as people focus on their own stuff--and focus on yours. The people who matter will cycle back into your life in the future, and you'll meet again on higher ground.

 

 

Thanks for simplifying it....and yeah I agree. I need to remind myself of those aspects and a lot of that goes back to a lack of self-love. Thank you everyone for your input.

[coastline]

I don't think that you should be annoyed / frustrated with your friend. You have some right to be, but it won't have any positive results for either of you.

 

I do think that you should severely cut back on the amount of empathy you have for her. She has shown that she is willing to twist her logic or morals to fit whatever she wants them to be, and it's an emotional nightmare to try to care deeply for someone who doesn't follow / believe their own words.

 

 

 

That last part summarizes how I feel. Yeah, I think I feel 'betrayed' only because I saw someone who didn't follow her own morals/ideals like she had talked about for the longest time. It IS an emotional nightmare to be friends with someone who isn't true to themselves. It is draining. I'll stick to focusing on quality people. Thanks.

[milk45wentout]

That last part summarizes how I feel. Yeah, I think I feel 'betrayed' only because I saw someone who didn't follow her own morals/ideals like she had talked about for the longest time. It IS an emotional nightmare to be friends with someone who isn't true to themselves. It is draining. I'll stick to focusing on quality people. Thanks.

 

I think what you're really upset about is that you invested so much time talking her about this to then do a u-turn with the guy once you left. That's understandable but she is her own person and can make her own decisions - good or bad. A part of it I think is you miss that she looked up to you and took your advice, now she's not.

 

I had a friend years ago who I helped patch, put back together every 15 minutes. Then one day they just went off and did there own thing and stopped asking for my advice. I actually felt a little bit of loss even though they were incredibly needy and annoying. Perhaps this is a separation of sorts (it happens in friendships), and your just learning to stand on your own two feet without having it be the "advisor". I'd say go forth and gain some of your own experiences and enjoyment. Makes a better story than someone else's

[catfeeder]

Perhaps this is a separation of sorts (it happens in friendships), and your just learning to stand on your own two feet without having it be the "advisor". I'd say go forth and gain some of your own experiences and enjoyment.

 

Yep. Beware of giving advice. You may pressure someone into agreeing with you before they've had the time and space to process what you suggest. Then they may feel rebellious toward feeling pressured by you, and they'll defend their own position in their own mind. Once someone does that, they'll only believe more strongly in their own defense--so instead of liberating someone from their own beliefs, you've embedded them in those even deeper.

 

Examine your focus on judging and 'fixing' other people. That's often an attempt to distract yourself from moving your focus onto your own life. Try limiting that desire to spending some time on these boards, in the same way you'd spend time reading or playing crosswords or sudoku. You can exercise your problem solving skills as a private hobby, but it will help those who have ASKED for you advice. Then you can return your focus onto real life relationships and allow people to just be themselves in your company without trying to manipulate them into living as you'd wish.

 

Your friends will thank you for that, and you will thank yourself.

 

Head high.