Should I tell him how I feel?

[LadyBug1988]

I've posted about this before, but the situation has drastically changed. The guy friend of 10 years that I'm in love with has broken up with his live in girlfriend for reasons that had nothing to do with me. He is looking for an apartment, and trying to find himself again.

 

Nothing about the relationship between him and I has changed. We still talk everyday, and tell each other everything. However, now we can spend as much time as we want and he always has these amazing plans that he knows I'll love.

 

Last weekend we had the most amazing time ever in NYC, and it was so comfortable and fun and easy. He didn't mention liking me or dropping any of the uncomfortable hints he has in the past about marrying me, etc. We were in the moment, having great conversations and enjoying each other (non-sexually).

 

This coming weekend, he picked all of my favorite things and we're doing them. He's incredible and knows exactly what I'll like. He's happier than I've seen him in the past 3 years, and it makes me happy.

 

He was out with a family friend a few days ago who tried to make a move on him, and he called me to come and be sort of the 3rd wheel to stop her. I couldn't make it but didn't understand his motive for telling me. He said he was attracted to her but integrity wouldn't let him do it. He liked her because she reminded him of the relationship he has with me, but he just can't with her. Then called to tell me all about it and ask for advice as soon as he left her.

 

I just don't know what to do in this situation. I feel like if he wants to be with me, he should take some time to heal from his breakup and do it the right way. I'm also wondering if he's always going to shy away from telling me because I never told him I'm in love with him. I would ignore his weird hints because he's never direct, I just don't know.

[lostandhurt]

Could it be that both of you are wondering the very same thing?

 

Be brave and tell him you have romantic feelings for him and you would like to be more than just friends. Living with regret because we weren't brave enough to say a few words to someone we trust and care about is a tough thing.

 

Take control of your life, take a chance and see what happens.

 

Lost

[LadyBug1988]

Could it be that both of you are wondering the very same thing?

 

Be brave and tell him you have romantic feelings for him and you would like to be more than just friends. Living with regret because we weren't brave enough to say a few words to someone we trust and care about is a tough thing.

 

Take control of your life, take a chance and see what happens.

 

Lost

 

Won't I seem desperate?

[Clinton]

Nothing ventured nothing gained. You want to wonder the rest of your life?

 

And how is asking desperate?

[Iggy5129]

I went back and read your other threads about this guy. It seems you need to date this guy if you ever want to have a real relationship. You are way over thinking and building this up in your head. He's just a person, not a god, take him off the pedestal.

 

In one of your threads you refer to any BF or GF the two of you may have as "temporary people". That is NOT healthy. Thinking these people are temporary just so you can continue this unhealthy codependent relationship with your "friend" is messed up and so unfair to the people you are dating.

 

Just date him, realize he's not that sepcial and move on. You are really holding yourself back from true love by obsessing over this fantasy.

[Wiseman2]

You need to accept him if you want him. Why do you keep your feelings hidden/a secret? Stop ignoring him and acting like you only want to be friends...unless that's all you want. Do you just want all the attention, but no relationship?

 

Learn to be confident and learn to communicate and pick up on social cues. Then address it one way or the other. What are you so afraid of? Eventually your aloofness will make him walk and find someone else more receptive/secure..

I feel like if he wants to be with me, he should take some time to heal from his breakup and do it the right way. I'm also wondering if he's always going to shy away from telling me because I never told him I'm in love with him.

[lostandhurt]

Desperate? I didn't say to beg him to be your bf, I said tell him you want to be more than friends. Why is it that men have to be the ones to speak up first? If you want something in life you have to go get it and not sit by and just wait and hope it happens.

 

If someone I was good friends with told me she wanted to be more than friends I would be flattered and not view them as desperate. If I didn't feel the same way I would tell them I think it is best we just stay friends.

 

Right now you are in limbo waiting for him to say something. Don't wait, life is short enough as it is. Be brave and don't worry about how you will look in his eyes. If he is that good of a guy he will not use it as some leverage over you.

 

Lost

[mustlovedogs]

How long ago did him and his gf split? Be wary of becoming his rebound. I think timing is important here. Maybe when you're hanging out and having a great time, bring it up. See how he responds. If he is open to it, say your friendship is important and you don't want to ruin this by jumping in too quick, especially since his relationship just ended. Something like that.

[LadyBug1988]

Desperate? I didn't say to beg him to be your bf, I said tell him you want to be more than friends. Why is it that men have to be the ones to speak up first? If you want something in life you have to go get it and not sit by and just wait and hope it happens.

 

If someone I was good friends with told me she wanted to be more than friends I would be flattered and not view them as desperate. If I didn't feel the same way I would tell them I think it is best we just stay friends.

 

Right now you are in limbo waiting for him to say something. Don't wait, life is short enough as it is. Be brave and don't worry about how you will look in his eyes. If he is that good of a guy he will not use it as some leverage over you.

 

Lost

 

I think I'll bring it up lightly, not like trying to have "the talk" or making a forced assumption. Maybe like and "if" joke to see how he responds.

[Clinton]

Be direct. He may not see it as real otherwise.

[LadyBug1988]

How long ago did him and his gf split? Be wary of becoming his rebound. I think timing is important here. Maybe when you're hanging out and having a great time, bring it up. See how he responds. If he is open to it, say your friendship is important and you don't want to ruin this by jumping in too quick, especially since his relationship just ended. Something like that.

 

That's exactly what I was thinking! I feel like he needs some time alone and to date different people (who aren't me) so he can find himself again. Maybe I'll just be ther to support him in a friendly way until he gets over the breakup. I do think I'll gently suggest I love him as more than a friend when the timing is right or when he mentions it again. They broke up a week ago.

[Wiseman2]

If you want to be in the unrequited friendzone hovering around him helping him with all his gfs and dating, great! If you want him as a bf this strategy is nonsense.

 

It sounds like you're terrified of intimacy, so living vicariously this way is your rationalization.

I feel like he needs some time alone and to date different people (who aren't me) so he can find himself again. Maybe I'll just be ther to support him in a friendly way until he gets over the breakup.

[LadyBug1988]

You need to accept him if you want him. Why do you keep your feelings hidden/a secret? Stop ignoring him and acting like you only want to be friends...unless that's all you want. Do you just want all the attention, but no relationship?

 

Learn to be confident and learn to communicate and pick up on social cues. Then address it one way or the other. What are you so afraid of? Eventually your aloofness will make him walk and find someone else more receptive/secure..

 

The complicated thing is that for the first five years of our friendship, I wasn't attracted to him. I started dating some dude and he got a little distant. After we broke up, my friend came back full force, and I was attracted to him.

 

The problem was I was heartbroken and brought a 1-way plane ticket to a state across the country to start a new life. He nearly begged me not to leave, but my mind was made up. He suggested we be in a non-sexual relationship in the weirdest way ever, and I said "no" cause it was lame.

 

While I was away we were close as ever, but he met his most recent ex and moved in with her. Things weren't really working between them, and I returned after 2 years in the middle of their relationship. We were so happy to be together again and things continued as normal. While they were having issues, he started hinting that we should have gotten together when we had the chance and other stuff. I didn't feed into it cause I refused to disrespect his relationship, I ignored all his hints and recropicated none of the nonsense.

 

They continued to have issues and finally ended things, so this is the first time in nearly 5 years we've both been single again at the same time. They broke up like a week ago and I think he needs time to breathe and find himself again, but I'll be there while he does it.

 

I feel like I should gently suggest I'm in love with him, just to see how he responds. I know now isn't the time to put it all on the line, he's still hurt over the breakup. This is just so tricky, timing is everything and he hasn't hinted at a thing since he's been single.

[mustlovedogs]

That's exactly what I was thinking! I feel like he needs some time alone and to date different people (who aren't me) so he can find himself again. Maybe I'll just be ther to support him in a friendly way until he gets over the breakup. I do think I'll gently suggest I love him as more than a friend when the timing is right or when he mentions it again. They broke up a week ago.

 

I'm not saying that you should necessarily let him date other women... but just be aware of what he's going through, too.

[Wiseman2]

You've been having an emotional affair for years and years. Consummate it or stay that way and neither of your real life relationships will ever work out. As long as you keep hovering so he can't heal or find someone you feel safe? Are you sure he doesn't just see you as 'just a friend'?

 

What if he does find someone who you 'help him' with and he ceases contact with you because his new relationship is more important than your ongoing emotional affair?

this is the first time in nearly 5 years we've both been single again at the same time. They broke up like a week ago and I think he needs time to breathe and find himself again, but I'll be there while he does it.

[Clinton]

Poop or get off the pot. Pull the trigger already!!! There will never be a perfect moment to ask. You're wasting your life living the what if fantasy.

 

Go for it. You may not get the answer you want but anything has to be better than this charade.

[LadyBug1988]

You've been having an emotional affair for years and years. Consummate it or stay that way and neither of your real life relationships will ever work out. As long as you keep hovering so he can't heal or find someone you feel safe? Are you sure he doesn't just see you as 'just a friend'?

 

What if he does find someone who you 'help him' with and he ceases contact with you because his new relationship is more important than your ongoing emotional affair?

 

I don't know if he sees me as just a friend, but from the things he was saying at those terrible times he didn't. I don't think there was an "affair", I didn't feed into his nonsense while he was with his ex gf.

 

I'd be devistated if he met someone and never spoke to me again, I want him in my life forever. We make forever plans all the time, I really am in love with him. I want to tell him how I feel this weekend. Maybe I can even text it to him and we can tak about it in person. I wish I understood how things got so complicated, but my fear is loosing him forever. I don't want to loose him to someone permanent, and I don't want to loose him cause out relationship didn't work out.

[Clinton]

I don't know if he sees me as just a friend, but from the things he was saying at those terrible times he didn't. I don't think there was an "affair", I didn't feed into his nonsense while he was with his ex gf.

 

I'd be devistated if he met someone and never spoke to me again, I want him in my life forever. We make forever plans all the time, I really am in love with him. I want to tell him how I feel this weekend. Maybe I can even text it to him and we can tak about it in person. I wish I understood how things got so complicated, but my fear is loosing him forever. I don't want to loose him to someone permanent, and I don't want to loose him cause out relationship didn't work out.

 

Don't be a coward. Ask him in person. And as far as him in your life forever if he meets someone else. Well it really is impossible to be "friends" with someone you have romantic feelings for.

 

You cant have it both ways. So find out one way or another

[Wiseman2]

Then why pretend to be his friend/dating coach?

I want him in my life forever. We make forever plans all the time, I really am in love with him.

[Clinton]

The thing is, people lie to themselves all the time about what their chances are. They figure if they're just there hanging around, being a good person and doing nice things that the other person will eventually come to their senses.

 

Life doesn't work that way unfortunately. He already knows if he likes you in the relationship sense or not. Nothing you do will change how he feels at this stage.

 

So ask and get it out of the way. Don't be a coward and wimp out, ask. That way you can get on with your life one way or another.

[greta96]

If there is ever a situation when someone needs to just speak up and tell how they feel, this is it. It sounds to me like he's wanted to be with you for a long time, and that he may be wanting the same things you do.

However I would caution you against telling him that you're *in love* with him. Don't use that strong of a word, at least not yet. But definitely tell him you like him as more than just a friend, and that you'd be open to exploring something beyond platonic friendship, if he's interested and when he's ready. Let him know where you stand, or else you may have the unpleasant surprise to see him meet someone else who will sink her claws into him and never let go. If he's not on the same page as you, yes it will be awkward and the friendship may even end, but at least you'd know and won't keep wondering what if. You don't want to get to the point where you could kick yourself for not speaking up when you had the chance!

[lostandhurt]

How will you feel when you are sitting in some chapel somewhere watching him take his vows with someone else?

 

This friendship has not been good for a lot of people. You date knowing you love him so every man you are with is secretly in competition with your "friend" and never really stand a chance. Seems cruel to me to do that to people.

 

Speak up now of forever hold your peace.

 

Lost