I Screwed Up

[jdb740]

Hey community,

 

First time posting with my problems. I've been dating a wonderful girl, R, for over a year (I'm 34, she's 28) and both not the most experienced daters. Things were going well, not perfect, but well. She has wanted to keep our relationship on the causal side of things. At first this bothered me and made me uncomfortable but eventually we were behaving like a more serious couple, so why let a label bother me?

 

Anyway, I have another friend, M, 24, who I'm really close friends with. I met both girls around the same time. M moved away from my city only a few months after we met, but we stayed in contact. Before she left she admitted that she liked me and while I was somewhat attracted to her too, I told her that I was seeing someone and that nothing was going to happen other than a friendship.

 

Late last year, I went to visit her and to take a little road trip around her part of the country. I think we both had different ideas as to why I was visiting, I legitimately wanted to do some traveling and hang out with her, and I think she was more interested in me. (I had told her of my struggles with R and our relationship being kept in the 'casual' area at the time.) She tried kissing me, which I protested and avoided. Eventually towards the end of the trip, she wanted even more from me. While I was NOT going to sleep with her, we ended up getting each other off on the last night. (Why did I do that? I'm not sure, a combination of factors: 1. I was attracted to her and wanted to, 2. the girl I was seeing said we were casual and could date other people, I in a sense thought of that as permission. 3. I felt bad, I wanted M to know that I do care about her, but couldn't show her that physically. (I make no excuses to say that any of this is rational or a good idea)

 

Regardless, it wasn't right by either of the girls and by me. I violated a strong moral standard I had. I still considered it cheating and felt incredibly guilty afterward. When I got home, I wanted to tell R. I started to bring up M, and told her that there's some mutual interest between us. R didn't seem to mind, so I pressed on, "what if we had had sex?" She replied, "I'd be sad but I'd have no place to talk since I've been insisting that this is casual." I assured her that I wouldn't hook up with anyone, but chickened out from telling her about what had happened with M, and where our hands went.

 

As the months wore on, I kind of went back and forth between thinking R should know and thinking it doesn't matter if she knows. I it felt like I had this secret that I was holding in and it felt as if it were a 'blockade' to our communication. I couldn't tell her this so my other thoughts didn't flow so freely. I felt boring, like I couldn't be as spontaneous in conversation with her.

 

M recently moved closer to my city, but still a few hours away by car. Since I hadn't seen her for 6 months, I went to visit her at the new place. It was great to see her and nothing even came close to happening. But it brought up all of these memories and I thought that I needed to get them out, I needed to tell R what had happened 6 months ago.

 

So I did, I was so nervous. At first R didn't really seem affected by it, but a day later she sure was. She wasn't so upset about the fact that I had done what I had done, or that I hadn't told her, but that I had waited so long to tell her. Why did I tell her after 6 months? And what did that say about the trust we've built up since then? It feels like it invalidates a lot of the conversations we had about our relationship, and erodes her trust in me. I know that holding something like this in and bringing it up later is bad. I know this. But I had to, my conscience wouldn't let me keep this in. What if we got married one day? What if I had waited another 6 months? This needed to come out.

 

I thought I'd feel better knowing that it's out and that we could hopefully more forward if she were willing, but I didn't feel any better. I felt dirty, and whats worse I hurt her. I'm ashamed of myself, and ashamed that I couldn't summon the courage to tell her just after this happened. I don't want to cheat, I don't want to keep secrets. I want to have a secure and open communication with her. I know that there isn't much I can do right now. I don't know what's going to happen, she hasn't said she wants to stop seeing me, but it certainly is a possibility. If nothing else, I have a lot of work to do in order to regain her trust, and I'm 100% willing.

 

I don't know if I have a question in all of this, but I'd be curious to hear people's thoughts. I know I screwed up and this one's all my fault. It's one thing to complain to all of your friends about a girl/guy who hurt you, but what about when you are the one who hurt the one you love? It's not like I can just go to all my friends and tell them everything. Thanks for reading, I know it's lengthy.

[Wiseman2]

Are you still communicating with M? Both these relationships sound neither here nor there and not exclusive.

she hasn't said she wants to stop seeing me, but it certainly is a possibility

[ThatwasThen]

You didn't cheat on her, you cheated on your own personal boundaries. I think it's high time you learned to forgive yourself for that.

 

I'm not sure why you're feeling so guilty or why you even needed to assuage your guilt by confessing to her when your problem was caused by you crossing your own moral standards. That's what priests and therapists are for...

I just hope that she realizes that you lied by omission because you feared her reaction and that not agreeing to exclusivity means you BOTH aren't cheating if you "get" with another.

 

 

 

Let us know how she is after sharing what you did. If she stays with you, I think you'd be a smart man to sever all ties with M.

[DancingFool]

Ever heard of square peg round hole? That's pretty much you and R.

 

You want a relationship, she told you casual only. Casual is casual and titles matter. Casual means you didn't cheat either. Your biggest issue is that you are dishonest with yourself and the fact that neither of these women are good for you or meet your needs. That's pretty much what lead you into this mess. My advice is get rid of them both, clean slate and actually have the courage to seek out a relationship that is good and healthy for you and actually meets your needs so you don't find yourself in another mess again. She is out there somewhere and neither of these girls is it.

[reinventmyself]

Just realize that you told R about the event to relieve your own discomfort.

None of that was for R's benefit and seeing she set the tone for the relationship, my guess she didn't want to know.

If you look at it that way, she was hurt unnecessarily by the information.

 

If you could do it all over again you should have figured out a way to relieve your conscience and letting go of the guilt on your own. Maybe by venting to a friend or therapist.

 

R just didn't need to know. Not in the this case. You just burdened her with something that was yours to work through.

[meoww]

double post.....

[meoww]

It was an obviously tough call to make, we all know your girlfriend wasn't going be happy about it, but you rose to the occasion. "Don't burden her with the truth," is a slimy way of getting of out mistakes and hurting others. We've all been there but not all of us own up to it. Don't fall for snake oil justifications for lying by omission. It hurts to take responsibility for our mistakes, even if it's not a nuclear, unforgivable one.

 

She might have found out anyway, through some weird turn of events and you'd be in a much worse place. There isn't always a obvious reward for doing the right thing, but that's not why our values matter. Your girlfriend may actually really appreciate your honesty, but she wouldn't be wrong to consider this a serious breach of trust. If this happened to me, I would be very worried about more lies down the line and the ease with which things were concealed. As far as damage control goes, take a deep breath and try not to let things get confrontational. You might be feeling a little defensive, which is normal, it's kind of a sad situation with a lot of grey area.

[jdb740]

Hey everyone, thanks for your responses. I think you all seem to have a really good sense of the situation, from all of our perspectives.

 

You didn't cheat on her, you cheated on your own personal boundaries. I think it's high time you learned to forgive yourself for that.

 

Pretty much spot on. We talked again and she doesn't feel I've cheated on her or that she particularly needed to know this. I was not so happy about this, but this is blowing up in my mind to: "How could I have ever done this" so yeah, cheating on personal boundaries sounds right. I don't want to sever all ties with M, but I know that not doing that in the first place is what led me here.

 

You want a relationship, she told you casual only. Casual is casual and titles matter. Casual means you didn't cheat either… My advice is get rid of them both, clean slate and actually have the courage to seek out a relationship that is good and healthy for you and actually meets your needs so you don't find yourself in another mess again.

 

Can't deny that the thought has occurred to me that it might be better to just let go of them both and look for someone new. But what has been stopping me is that I like both girls and think very highly of them. Also, yes, if this is casual, then I didn't cheat. I think what upset R was more of a misunderstanding of what we defined casual as. For instance her idea was that I could start dating someone if I wanted…not all of a sudden be intimate. But it's true, even though this 'casual' relationship looks and acts like a more serious one, I want more than 'casual.' That said, I am happy with where it is right now.

 

R just didn't need to know. Not in the this case. You just burdened her with something that was yours to work through.

 

It's true, and she said as much. But I think more than anything, this was eating away at my conscience. Not to where it was driving me crazy, but I think it was getting in the way of my communication with her. How could I be open to her without thinking about what I can't say? It was like something blocking the pipe, I had to clear it out.

 

It was an obviously tough call to make, we all know your girlfriend wasn't going be happy about it, but you rose to the occasion. "Don't burden her with the truth," is a slimy way of getting of out mistakes and hurting others...It hurts to take responsibility for our mistakes, even if it's not a nuclear, unforgivable one.

 

If this happened to me, I would be very worried about more lies down the line and the ease with which things were concealed.

 

We talk about open communication and honesty, and yeah, there are plenty of reasons not to tell her, but if I believe in communication and honesty, I need to, for myself. And yes, she was concerned with other things I said. But I think our last conversation (and her chat with her best friend who knows me as well) helped things. I was able to communicate my feelings and my explanations and I think it went pretty well.

 

But yeah, we're still together, and things are better after our talk.

[DancingFool]

All I'm going to say to you is that for as long as you are entangled in this complicated mess with these two women, no decent girl who wants a healthy relationship will give you the time of day or touch you with a ten mile pole. So do keep that in mind and and be careful that you don't end up being "that guy" who is craving a relationship but whining how all women are bad, don't want what he wants, etc, etc, etc without realizing that he is creating his own problems. I mean stay for as long as this genuinely works for you, but remember to leave when you want more. To attract a good mate you have to be single and clear of all drama.

[jdb740]

Thanks, and I realize that if this is going to end, I need a clear head in order to move on. I genuinely like R and want to be with her. Despite the 'casual' label, there's definitely more than a 'casual' relationship going on. (Part of why I was so upset about everything earlier)

[Usa1ah]

Is R seeing other guys casually? Just wondering or did she just tell you that you can?