Relationship Next Steps

[superkatnip]

New here, but have enjoyed reading much of the advice. Looking for guidance that I am getting from my friends. Almost 50 years old. I have been in a LTR with BF (58) for 2.5 years. We are exclusive and overall things are going very well. We do not live together, but I have been ok with this as my son lives with me and he just graduated HS. He will be going to college after the summer, will live on campus, but will still be relatively close. I kept the home he grew up in event though it was a struggle so he could stay in the same school. I have made it know that I plan to sell the house as staying in the district is no longer an issue.

 

I am at BF's every other weekend and two nights a week and he often comes to my house on the nights my son stays with me. We do everything together and get along great. He is funny, kind, and while sex is not as frequent as it was when we first got together, he is pretty frisky for almost 60. He always wants me to stay longer at his house and often found ways for us to get together even when it was "my" night for my son.

 

Sounds great, right?

Well, he has has business/financial issues as long as I have known him. I am ready to take the next step in our relationship, but knows he feels "less than" since he has money woes. I work about 45 minutes from him home, but think could make the commute work. Ideally ,maybe we could both sell and get a bit closer to me.

However, he is often so stressed about the money issues, I feel that it would put more pressure on him to bring this up. Also, I am not comfortable asking him to sell a home he bought on his own (before his marriage) over 28 years ago.

He is a laid back, go with the flow guy and usually I am the same way, but would appreciate some ideas on how to gently bring up this subject with him. I am on no firm timetable, but will really be looking to start moving later this summer as son moves onto campus in August.

Thanks in advance for your insight.

[Hermes]

Let me see, SuperK.

 

What you are saying is that you will sell your own house and move to his? Yes? Or do I take it to mean you will sell both your houses and get a new one together?

 

Why has he always had these business and financial issues? That would give me to understand he runs his own business...maybe?

Perhaps he could get together with a financial advisor and sort out his situation, re-structure so to speak.

 

Why would it stress him for you to say you were going to sell YOUR house to move in with him.....

[Clinton]

My two cents. I'm 55, my fiancé 53. We've been together over 6 years now. She doesn't make nearly as much as I do but so what. We're in this together. She gave up her apartment and moved in to my house. I have three older(twenties kids) all gone, she has none.

 

Money has never been an issue. everyone has financial challenges in this day and age but that's not a reason not to live together.

 

I think unless a relationship moves forward it eventually dies. I tried the together alone relationship with another woman for 13 years. It got old and eventually killed us off. Everyone's different and for some it can work(although I don't know anyone it has for).

 

So just talk to him about it. Do it non confrontationally. Use a lot of inclusive terminology(our future, our house, our life together, you get the idea) and tell him you want to make a life with him.

 

And don't be afraid to set a time limit. Otherwise this can drag on for eternity and then someone's not going to be happy(you).

 

If you two are really a match, finances shouldn't stand in your way.

[Wiseman2]

Wanting to sell your house is not really a reason to move in together and two unmarried people buying a house together is not a great idea. Don't ask him to sell his house. Does he know you want to sell your house/downsize?

2.5 years. I kept the home he grew up in .Ideally ,maybe we could both sell and get a bit closer to me. I am not comfortable asking him to sell a home he bought on his own

[superkatnip]

He owns two stores, started this business 23 years ago from nothing. All was going well until 2009 , like everyone else. He has mortgaged his retirement, his home, credit, etc. to keep business afloat and his people employed.

 

Hermes, he does have an advise, but very little left and is scraping by to keep business going. I am not saying that me moving in would stress him out, but he often says he wishes he could do more for me, and as a man, I understand that. My fiancees were tight for about 1-2 years of our time together, but have turned around have turned around this year.

I think selling his home would stress him out as he has a long history there, I am just saying that it would be my ideal as it might allow us to move a few miles closer to my work.

Clinton,

I do see your point, My only other issue is a place for my son to stay when off of school. BF's house is jam packed and would require cleaning out space for my son to stay (he can also split time at his dad's too).

I have been thinking about a staged process over the next year as well as son has to live on campus for freshman year, but most live in apartments after that. If I sell my home I lose tax deduction and have thought about buying a rental unit in college town in which my son can live and I can rent out other apartment.

[Hermes]

Still a bit confused here OP.

 

" I am not comfortable asking him to sell a home he bought on his own (before his marriage) over 28 years ago."

 

From where I am looking (and you say you can manage the commute) then what's the problem with selling YOUR house and moving into his?

[superkatnip]

Wiseman2 - Yes BF knows I want to sell - downsize.

[superkatnip]

Hermes, We haven't; had the discussion about any of these options

[Hermes]

SuperK.

 

The main thing is "keep it simple".

 

And "make haste slowly, very slowly".

 

Right, re the discussion. Well, it's only a discussion, no need to have a heavy brainstorming session first time round, but perhaps look at (put on paper) the pros and cons of the situation. Writing stuff down can help clarify....

 

Also, another hurdle would be that as you remarked, his house is jam-packed with stuff (presumably products/supplies (?) and selling it might not be practical anyhow.

[Wiseman2]

To be honest neither of you seem ready or able to sell. Can he move into your house and sell his?

He has mortgaged his retirement, his home, credit, etc.My only other issue is a place for my son to stay when off of school.If I sell my home I lose tax deduction.

[superkatnip]

Hermes,

I like the list making/pros/cons thing. Also - we HAVE both discussed that we want to retire to warmer climates - I am planning retirement or at least partial in 12 years, so no looking to buy a large place.

Wiseman2 - My place is in a very expensive SD, is really too big for just the two of us (was HUGE for just my son and I) and is too far from his store locations ( he has to be closer if an employee doesn't show, there is an alarm, emergency etc.)

He is a great guy, but is not a great planner. He has actually said how much he likes that I am. So, while I have enjoyed having a strong male energy in a relationship (my ex-husband was very needy and dependent), I may have to take the lead here.

[superkatnip]

He is also a huge packrat. To his credit, he cleaned out a bunch of stuff last year so we could "relcaim" the finished basement of his home and use fireplace and music room.

[Wiseman2]

Are you talking about engagement or marriage?

[Hermes]

Right, SuperK. So, in reality, it is about making the right decision now as regards living arrangements until retirement comes round (and 12 years is a longish time anyhow).

From what I gather you are not madly enthusiastic about moving into his place. Right?

 

Just as an aside, and as he is still in business, and even at this stage I honestly feel he needs some training in planning. All business requires people to be reasonably good at planning. Hence the idea of a business advisor. What do you think?

 

Just seen what you remarked. Hoarding is not good, nor is clutter. If there is clutter, the brain is cluttered.

[superkatnip]

After my divorce, I was dead set against marriage, but could go either way now. My BF has expressed similar feelings. I do not feel it is necessary other than I have seen issues with older couples and health issues and without the proper planning , SO's often have no rights.

[superkatnip]

He does have a planner, but they are really working month to month right now.

There are a few glimmers of hope:

There is a possible sale on one of his locations in the next few months (the one he owns - he leases another) which will free up a good amount of capital to allow him to breathe a bit easier.

He has been working very hard before and after work (normally works 60ish hurs a week) to clean main living area, deck and yard. He keeps talking about all the things "We" will be doing this summer.

Male nesting?

[superkatnip]

Then I have days when traffic back to his house is bad and I think I should sell and find a small rental place, but wonder if I am hedging my bets. I was burned badly during my divorce financially as my ex was very vindictive and I just wanted out. I made some poor decisions financially.

[Heather Dawn]

Is "packrat" your gentle way of saying he's a hoarder?

 

Anyway, sometimes you need to take the lead and initiate. My fiance is a very strong-willed guy - but when it comes to planning certain things, he's just awful at getting started. After we found out I was pregnant, I knew we needed to move to a bigger place and I felt some urgency about it. He, on the other hand, was very laid-back and took forever (at least to me) to be ready to start looking - mainly because he hates dealing with real estate people. It took me, in a pregnant panic, rearranging things in our our one-bedroom to make room for the baby "just in case," to make him realize that we needed to get going on it NOW. So I had to give him that kick in the ass to get him moving, but he did and we're now in our beautiful new home with lots of room for our baby.

 

Maybe you need to take the reigns and start talking about "next steps" in a way that makes it clear to him that this is important to you. If he's a poor planner, than you may have to do the heavy lifting, including him in ways that work with his personality. (For example, say you want to begin looking at homes together and show him some options to choose from; then, YOU set up times to view them and tell him where and when he needs to show up.)

[superkatnip]

Heather,

I wouldn't call him a hoarder in the clinical sense as he can and does toss stuff, just doesn't take the time to do it. He is a musician, ran his stores, was in a band, etc. So when he could afford it, he had someone clean and I think that is what kept stuff under control. He has been a bachelor for a LONG time. Divorced for 20 years with only 2 relationships of longer that 1 years that whole time. His friends often ask what I put in his water to turn him around.

I do think that you may be right about his lack of urgency with certain things. When it comes to travel, 80% of that is on me with exception of driving.

[Heather Dawn]

Oh, same here. Every trip we've taken has been planned by me. And yes, he ends up driving, too...lol.

 

Some people just need a nudge when it comes to anything that requires some planning. They get overwhelmed at the thought, and it paralyzes them. So if you can take the lead and offer him some choices, it may work out better.

[Hermes]

Time to up the ante, SuperK.......

[superkatnip]

Hermes,

I guess that is where my own hesitation comes in. What we have is working really well, but as Clinton said earlier we need to move forward to not stall.

[Hermes]

Fully agree re moving forward, but with aforethought...