Unloved Wife

[Teaganross]

- [ ] How do you stay faithful to your vows when your partner refuses to let you speak, hear you, validate your reasoning, acknowledge your worth and existence? When I tell him I feel unvalued and silenced he only responds by saying "the world doesn't revolve around me." Whenever I address issues or raise any questions he shuts the conversation down by saying "whatever" or simply ignores me all together. I have continued to try to communicate, but I always end up having to pack up unaddressed issues and push forward for my sanity and for our child. With so many issues unresolved, my voice being unheard, me being unvalued, and my emotional and spiritual needs being unfulfilled I don't know how much longer I can hold on and fight for my marriage. I feel like I am fighting to make it work while my husband is fighting to tear it apart. He constantly tells me to leave him if I'm not happy, but I want to keep my family together. He has said numerous times he will not go to marriage counseling. I brought up the idea of separating and he did not contest it, but instead told me what arrangements we could make about living/expenses/childcare. Although we didn't actually separate he seemed unconcerned about the condition of our marriage. I don't want to spend my life in a marriage that feels like this. I'm now to the point where I don't care about this marriage and am ready to move on with my life. I guess my question how do you make a marriage work when your partner is seemingly unconcerned and unaware of their treatment to you? How can you get your spouse to understand that your feelings matter when they feel like you basically "feel too much" or are constantly hurt by something?

[limichelle]

The answer to your question is you can't make a marriage work with someone who doesn't value you. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect and compassion.

 

I think you should pack up and leave. Don't stay for the child's sake that will make your child grow up in an unhappy home.

 

Lisa

[Seraphim]

You can force someone to make a marriage work. At that point you walk out.

[rosephase]

What are the issues you feel unheard about? What would help you feel heard?

[lilypadgirl]

You, alone, can't make a marriage work. It takes both partners to want to make it work and even then sometimes it's hard.

 

Based on what you said, I think he may be passive-aggressively trying to make you leave. He doesn't care about making it work, tells you to leave if you want, and then when you mention separating starts making logistical plans. At the very least, he's already thought about the process given that he's able to think about practical plans.

 

If you are emotionally ready to leave, you should just leave and move on with your life. Find someone who's going to be a true partner to you.

 

Good luck.

[Arora]

I feel the same and can sort of relate. I know how it feels to be dismissed and not receive the love you deserve. Somethibg has obviously changed in him. You need to find out what is wrong with him is it a job, financial problems or has he met someone else. The man will never break off the relationship it is always the woman who will have to do it and suffer. It's easy for us to say leave but I appriciate the fact you are looking out for your child. If you didn't have a child you wouldn't be with him. For the child's sake and your sanity move on you will fund someone who love and cares for you and will provide emotional and physical presence. I'm scared of moving on too but I kniw I have to do it. Good luck things will get better in time x

[jimthzz]

Um, NOTHING he is doing justifies you being unfaithful. That's strictly your decision.

 

That said, it does justify leaving him. Just get a divorce and go.

 

Honor your wedding vow until you go.

[thornz]

You can't make it work, he doesn't love you or want to continue in your marriage and is actively suggesting you leave and giving his ideal arrangements to make a separation work.

 

It is very unfortunate that you are in this position of a loveless marriage (from his side) and that he isn't man enough to push for a separation, rather he would neglect to the point of such misery that you would leave him.

 

I hope you leave him and move on to a place where you feel better.

[Lester]

Without challenge on your part, questions of love/unloved are meaningless.

 

You must overcome you fear and test his love.

 

You start by telling him he has to sleep on the couch.

Next you stop trying to change him and start changing yourself back to who you were before you married him.

[catfeeder]

I'd skip the idea of seeking a lover, I'd seek good legal advice instead. That doesn't mean you need to make any decisions at this time, but it educates you about exactly what your options are in your location, along with the steps for each option. From there, you can operate in your best interests, and you can offer spouse the option of working on the marriage or leaving the marriage.

 

Attempting to leapfrog to a lover is a lousy idea.

[TMifune]

Teagonross,

 

If you want a happy marriage then the number one thing that you need to do is stop trying to manipulate him into acting a certain way.

 

You give love to get love....you don't stamp your feet and demand that he make you feel loved.

 

I would recommend that you do the counseling on your own for a month or two before you make any big decisions.

[PRMan5169]

you have to do what makes you happy. you shouldnt' waste precious life

[Ricca]

I am not yet married but we're in the same situation. I love my boyfriend unconditionally with all my heart and I have tried to give everything I can and showed him how much I deeply love him. But, after all of this. He isn't sure of spending the rest of his life with me. I've realize that doing good or loving to much will never be appreciated if, he him self doesn't need it. It doesn't matter how much love you give. Good things doesn't affect to change people's point of view nor to change their decision. I truly understand how deeply hurt and pain you're now. No matter what you do to him he will not treat you as the same way as you're treating him. You Leave him and end your sorrows and pain. A relationship will never work if it's only one person who's trying to make it work.

[Ricca]

Exactly!

 

"You give love to get love....you don't stamp your feet and demand that he make you feel loved."