Date Night Never Happened

[surfdog]

I asked my wife to go out on a date recently. We went out and had a lot for fun. Two days later she asked me to go on a date, we agreed to go out the following Saturday. Saturday came and went and nothing was said about the date…not a word. We go to marriage counseling to try and strengthen our relationship. I brought the missed date up in therapy this afternoon. I had chalked up the missed date to the strong possibility that my wife just forgot, plain and simple. Unfortunately I deal with a trust issue (I’ve deal with it way before I met my wife) and was afraid of the answer she was going to give when I brought this up in therapy. Sure enough (as I assumed) her answer bother me and strongly flared my trust issue. She claims the date “is still in planning” and was rigid that was the reason. I argued that it was not logical to be still in planning and then why didn’t she tell me it was postponed for whatever reason? The date was supposed to take place 3 weeks ago, how is it still in planning? She insisted her answer was what happened. I sincerely want to believe her but I find it hard to accept this answer.

 

 

If anyone was to ask if she gives me a reason not to trust her it would be a situation like this above, which is hard to decipher. Nothing crazy like I caught her with a guy or something overt like that.

The only logical reason I can find to help me get through this situation is to say maybe she confused the date above and she just plain forgot about it (she looked confused in the therapy session when I brought it up)….with another date maybe she was planning. She did mention a while back out going away for a weekend.

 

 

Feedback welcome, thank you.

[j.man]

Now I'm no expert when it comes to marriage counseling, but while I'm sure they don't want to take over the role of communicating between you two, isn't it kinda part of the deal to point out some of the BS so that one partner can see it coming from an arbiter and be more open to considering a contradictory view from their partner? It seems odd that s/he would sit there and let you two go back and forth about whether a three-week late date is something still being planned or simply a failed commitment.

 

Are you receiving individual therapy for your trust issues? Do you feel like your marriage is recovering with this particular counselor? It kinda seems out of bounds for us to chime in when you've got a supposed professional working with you and progress isn't being made.

[Jibralta]

I guess my first question is, why didn't you say something to her on the day of your date, like, "Hey, so what's the plan tonight?"

 

That's a question I would naturally ask.

 

Your wife's response is indeed cryptic. I would be frustrated with that kind of answer, too.

 

But really, you both seem to be behaving the same way. I get the impression that there's some sort of power struggle between the two of you. Each of you seems to have a point to prove.

[ThatwasThen]

I too would like to know why you just didn't communicate with her about the date and what were the two of you going to do. I'd also like to know why you just didn't plan something and then tell her "we have _____ to do tonight, sweety, be ready by 7:00."

 

You seem to have made a mountain out of a mole hill.

[surfdog]

Thanks for the replies. I am in individual therapy for my trust issue. The problem is situations like this make it flare bad.

 

The therapist asked me why I didn't speak up and ask my wife what the deal was for date night. The reason I didn't ask is because I do a lot of the planning in the relationship and we have discussed her making more of an effort in planning things (we had a few recent dates based on her planning and she out right told me she is not the planning type when I met her, almost 5 years ago) and I wanted to give her the space to plan without me having to ask (in a way it was a test and I didn't ask purposely).

 

My wife is upset because I don't take her answer for face value and that I don't give her the benefit of the doubt in situations like this, thinks I don't trust her and that she is a liar. I'm not happy because I feel her answer was not a logical reply to the situation.

 

We've been to the therapist 4 times, she is decent so far. We're lacking on progress because

 

Her point to prove is that no matter what she says I won't believe her answer. I'm not sure what mine is.....I'm confused, trust/don't trust, etc.

 

Thanks

[Jibralta]

What is it that you do not trust about situations like this?

[Jibralta]

The reason I didn't ask is because I do a lot of the planning in the relationship and we have discussed her making more of an effort in planning things (we had a few recent dates based on her planning and she out right told me she is not the planning type when I met her, almost 5 years ago) and I wanted to give her the space to plan without me having to ask (in a way it was a test and I didn't ask purposely).

 

Also, I am surprised that there is a sticking point on this issue when she told you five years ago that she is not the planning type. It seems like a waste of energy to argue over something that you accepted about her when you met her.

[surfdog]

What is it that you do not trust about situations like this?

 

I felt her answer was BS and that she really just simply forgot (which would/have been fine)

[surfdog]

Also, I am surprised that there is a sticking point on this issue when she told you five years ago that she is not the planning type. It seems like a waste of energy to argue over something that you accepted about her when you met her.

 

Yes, but it's more her answer that bugs me, but it is nice to have someone else plan once in while.

[surfdog]

I too would like to know why you just didn't communicate with her about the date and what were the two of you going to do. I'd also like to know why you just didn't plan something and then tell her "we have _____ to do tonight, sweety, be ready by 7:00."

 

You seem to have made a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

I'm not sure I follow......she asked me on a date, not the other way around. If I told her "honey, we are going here at 7:00....." she would have been pissed that I didn't let her follow through.

[ThatwasThen]

The therapist asked me why I didn't speak up and ask my wife what the deal was for date night. The reason I didn't ask is because I do a lot of the planning in the relationship and we have discussed her making more of an effort in planning things (we had a few recent dates based on her planning and she out right told me she is not the planning type when I met her, almost 5 years ago) and I wanted to give her the space to plan without me having to ask (in a way it was a test and I didn't ask purposely).

Then you set yourself up for disappointment. Like I said, you have made a mountain out of a mole hill. A simple question to her could have ended all of this drama which included a drawn out session with a paid professional, a thread about the subject and your own insecurity/trust issues being perpetuated. Next time save yourself the trouble and just ask: "What have you arranged for us to do on Saturday?"

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not sure I follow......she asked me on a date, not the other way around. If I told her "honey, we are going here at 7:00....." she would have been pissed that I didn't let her follow through.

If she forgot or that her "date" was still in the planning as she has stated, then you taking her out on Saturday with you making the plan wouldn't even interfere with her plan.

[surfdog]

If she forgot or that her "date" was still in the planning as she has stated, then you taking her out on Saturday with you making the plan wouldn't even interfere with her plan.

 

I couldn't assume that we weren't going out Saturday until late Saturday night when it would be beyond reason to go out....if I was to tell her we had plans and she did have a date arranged, it would have caused a problem.

[ThatwasThen]

I couldn't assume that we weren't going out Saturday until late Saturday night when it would be beyond reason to go out....if I was to tell her we had plans and she did have a date arranged, it would have caused a problem.

 

There is where you are wrong. You can assume that she's planned nothing if she hasn't told you anything by the day that the date is to be had. Why are you making this such a huge problem when it doesn't have to be? Do you have an answer to that, one you can give yourself? No need to give it here. You seem to thrive on being in turmoil and you do it over very little reason.

[surfdog]

Then you set yourself up for disappointment. Like I said, you have made a mountain out of a mole hill. A simple question to her could have ended all of this drama which included a drawn out session with a paid professional, a thread about the subject and your own insecurity/trust issues being perpetuated. Next time save yourself the trouble and just ask: "What have you arranged for us to do on Saturday?"

 

Not exactly.......I'm disappointed that she either forgot, is still planning or whatever, etc. As far as a drawn out session with a paid professional, that's what she is being paid for. I'd rather bring real life situations to therapy so we can get strategies to deal with them.

[ThatwasThen]

Not exactly.......I'm disappointed that she either forgot, is still planning or whatever, etc. As far as a drawn out session with a paid professional, that's what she is being paid for. I'd rather bring real life situations to therapy so we can get strategies to deal with them.

That's the problem. You are not focusing on strategies to deal with them. This whole situation, to someone who has learned to not sweat the small stuff after all my married years, isn't worth the money you paid to discuss it in front of that paid professional. You could have ended this with a simple question.

 

If I were your wife and you went on about this to a counselor instead of asking for tools on how to communicate better, I'd have ended things with that particular therapist for allowing you both to waste yours and her time.

 

I think you would do well to learn how to communicate rather then **** test and then become disappointed when she doesn't pass.

 

Good luck. I'll leave you with this: "Don't sweat the small stuff"

[surfdog]

There is where you are wrong. You can assume that she's planned nothing if she hasn't told you anything by the day that the date is to be had. Why are you making this such a huge problem when it doesn't have to be? Do you have an answer to that, one you can give yourself? No need to give it here. You seem to thrive on being in turmoil and you do it over very little reason.

 

I'm not sure I understand, what is the huge problem? My question is, does it sound like my wife is lying?

[ThatwasThen]

I wouldn't know. Maybe she's just skirting the issue because she walks on egg shells to avoid you having a melt down instead of just asking her what she's planned? It doesn't matter if we do or we don't think she's lying... what good will having "guesses" about that do for you?

[surfdog]

Thank for the reply....not trusting is not fun, it's black and white. That's why small issues turn into big ones.

[Jibralta]

Wow, you weren't kidding. You really do have a trust issue. This was a simple issue that required no effort or emotion. But now it's a marital problem. That's just silly.

 

Your analogy of black and white is spot-on. It's like you can't see that there's a whole spectrum of color out there. Not even gray. You need to get some perspective. Right now, you're in a state of mental gridlock.

 

This "trust issue" of yours has to be negatively impacting your life in other ways.

 

Do yourself a favor and put as much effort into resolving it as possible.

[surfdog]

Wow, you weren't kidding. You really do have a trust issue. This was a simple issue that required no effort or emotion. But now it's a marital problem. That's just silly.

 

Your analogy of black and white is spot-on. It's like you can't see that there's a whole spectrum of color out there. Not even gray. You need to get some perspective. Right now, you're in a state of mental gridlock.

 

This "trust issue" of yours has to be negatively impacting your life in other ways.

 

Do yourself a favor and put as much effort into resolving it as possible.

 

My life is fine besides the trust issue and the trust issue only flares when situations like this arise. Yeah it sucks but 90% of the time everything is fine.

How can you say it was a simple issue?? I feel as though my wife gave a BS reason that the date didn't happen. Logically she probably just forgot (maybe not but it seems to be the most logical explanation). I mean, seriously, who plans a date, lets it pass without mentioning a word and then 3 weeks later says it's still being planned? I call BS. Then as a result the trust issue kicks in.............

[itsallgrand]

Did you tell her you were disappointed as you were looking forward to her planning a date for you and you feel like she broke her word?

 

You keep mentioning logic, but seems like a case of this hurt your feelings and you wanted to know that how you feel matters to her. An apology maybe?

 

And if she were to try and steer it to an explanation/excuse, you could calmly let her know that it's possible miscommunication took place, and you want to work on getting better at that, but you also need her to keep her word because it hurts you when she doesn't.

[surfdog]

Did you tell her you were disappointed as you were looking forward to her planning a date for you and you feel like she broke her word?

 

You keep mentioning logic, but seems like a case of this hurt your feelings and you wanted to know that how you feel matters to her. An apology maybe?

 

And if she were to try and steer it to an explanation/excuse, you could calmly let her know that it's possible miscommunication took place, and you want to work on getting better at that, but you also need her to keep her word because it hurts you when she doesn't.

 

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I first told her I was disappointed we didn't go out.....she just looked at me with a blank stare. I took ownership of my feelings as to not make her feel I was "attacking her" for a missed date because that would have caused another issue. A few minutes later she said "sorry". As I mentioned above, I do feel as though there may be some miscommunication about the date(s). I think maybe she did forget about the one I'm referring to and she is maybe thinking about one she may have been planning.

 

If I told her she needs to keep her word she would tell me that I leave no room for her to make a mistake or be imperfect. I feel saying something to her like that will cause more of a problem.

[Wiseman2]

She may not be lying but people who use passive-aggressive ways to cope with hidden hostility/control issues tend to employ a lot of forgetting, procrastinating and being obstructive.

 

Defaulting on promises and generally seeming overtly cooperative but covertly undermining is their way to stick it to someone without it seeming so.

 

Yes, if you told her to keep her word you would be taking away a tool to express her discontent in this manner.

If I told her she needs to keep her word she would tell me that I leave no room for her to make a mistake or be imperfect. I feel saying something to her like that will cause more of a problem.

[Theniceone]

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I first told her I was disappointed we didn't go out.....she just looked at me with a blank stare. I took ownership of my feelings as to not make her feel I was "attacking her" for a missed date because that would have caused another issue. A few minutes later she said "sorry". As I mentioned above, I do feel as though there may be some miscommunication about the date(s). I think maybe she did forget about the one I'm referring to and she is maybe thinking about one she may have been planning.

 

If I told her she needs to keep her word she would tell me that I leave no room for her to make a mistake or be imperfect. I feel saying something to her like that will cause more of a problem.

 

I think she is slowly but surely getting fed up with your ways...sorry. I have read most of your posts, at the beginning she was understanding o f your axiety/jealousy/trust issues but now it is getting to her. I am not saying her atittude is ok, but I think she is tired of walking on eggshells with you and this is what results in her passive/aggressive behaviour and being defensive. You seem to be consumed on whether she is lying to you or not on issues where normally there would be no incentive to lie. It could well be a misundertanding or she forgot. She is probably exhausted hence her comment taht there is no room for error.

 

I know you have been in therapy for a while but I think you need to find another therapist and change your ways fast. You are losing her.