Stopped having sex? Am I a pig or am I just confused?

[Murray94]

Me and my gf of 2.5years have almost completely stopped having sex. Over the last 5 weeks we had sex once. I spoke to her about it and she has admitted to have zero sex drive. We've changed her current contraceptive to try to rectify this but I feel like there's more to it. It's obviously upsetting for both of us but I feel it's seriously affecting are relationship and it just doesn't seam to bother her. Whenever I try to initiate sex she tells me because I've asked then it's not going to happen. Which makes me think she's just making up an excuse so we can't have sex. I have a hundred reasons why I think she's like this but I think the lack of sex is messing with my head. I don't want to be in a relationship where at 21 I'm only having sex once every 5 weeks.I don't know whether my thoughts are justified or whether am just being a pig?

[ThatwasThen]

Well, I think you should give it some time to see if her new BC helps but if it's been awhile since changing then maybe you should change your approach and instead of "asking" for sex, you seduce her into having it. When is the last time the two of you did something fun together or even were emotionally intimate and just focused on one another?

[mustlovedogs]

Is she more stressed than usual? A few months after I started dating my now-ex, I got placed in a crazy stressful job and it totally killed my sex drive. I wanted to want sex, but it just wasn't happening. He was really patient with me and let me get through that initial hump, and he tried a little harder to be seductive.

 

This and the BC could both contribute for sure.

 

You should plan a really cute, romantic night in. Dress a little nicer than you normally would at home, cook dinner (make it light dinner, no one wants to have sex when they feel bloated!), have candles and nice music (if that's your thing), watch a rom-com, compliment her, and start to ease in to sex. Kiss her a bit. Kiss her neck and collar bone. Take your time before the big act. I would discourage you making it a total surprise date (i.e., she comes home from work and you spring it on her). Tell her something like "Friday I have something really special planned. Can you be ready at 7?"

[Murray94]

Yeah I know I'm not going to make any decisions until it's clear that the change in contraceptive has had no affect. I spend the majority of are time together and I try to organize date nights with mini golf and we go to the cinema alot. But at the end of the night the result is the same. I couldn't really tell you when the last time we were intimate and vulnerable together. And she doesn't particularly care for seduction or that's the feeling it get from her reactions.

[mustlovedogs]

Yeah, that's hard. It's hard to put in effort and not see any positive reaction from it. IMO, you wait another month of her new BC and try an extra special romantic date and, if it goes badly, talk to her the next morning and tell her it's becoming emotionally exhausting. Her reaction will tell you if she even wants to work on it.

[ThatwasThen]

Yeah I know I'm not going to make any decisions until it's clear that the change in contraceptive has had no affect. I spend the majority of are time together and I try to organize date nights with mini golf and we go to the cinema alot. But at the end of the night the result is the same. I couldn't really tell you when the last time we were intimate and vulnerable together. And she doesn't particularly care for seduction or that's the feeling it get from her reactions.

Have you sat down and told her that there is really no point in being in a sexless relationship because that's just like being room-mates or friends without benefits? She needs to understand how important sex within a relationship is important and is a deal breaker for you if who you are with isn't sussed to partake. Ask her what you can do to help her get her mojo going and see what she can come up with. Maybe she'd be better off going off the BC altogether (I know I was) and getting a copper IUD that has no hormones attached to it, then she would be with oral contraceptives?

 

Does porn help her get aroused? How about erotic novels?

[Murray94]

She's currently unemployed (uni student) and in no rush to get a job so pretty much zero stress. Do you think all that still applies to two people who are 20-21? This is why Im thinking I'm a pig because my approach to sex is the polar opposite to that. Fair enough I like a big event where I can woo her ect but we both live with are parents making that difficult so I don't understand why she's lost complete intrest in having my sex midday while her parents are out for two hours? And if I was bad in bed I would understand but I make sure her needs are thoroughly met before mine are.

[Hermes]

Geeze, that's a passion-killer if ever there was one.

 

........we both live with are parents making that difficult so I don't understand why she's lost complete intrest in having my sex midday while her parents are out for two hours?

 

One eye on the driveway and one ear on the front door sure doesn't do anything for passion......L

[Murray94]

Yeah, that's hard. It's hard to put in effort and not see any positive reaction from it. IMO, you wait another month of her new BC and try an extra special romantic date and, if it goes badly, talk to her the next morning and tell her it's becoming emotionally exhausting. Her reaction will tell you if she even wants to work on it.

 

I think you right, we have a holiday coming up and hopefully that will change it. I will give it a month or so and see what it's like after.

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe she's not happy with herself in general which makes her somewhat depressed. The thing here is that she's showing you who she is which is someone with a libido that doesn't match yours. At 21 we were doing it at least once a day but our libidos matched up until I had our daughter (at 30) wherein we had to re-invent the wheel so to speak and we worked it out by making sure we had regular date nights without the baby and kept the focus on us as a couple and not just Mom and Dad to our daughter.

 

She's awfully young to be without the urge IMO. You may just be with the wrong girl but I think it would unfair of you to break it off with her without making it clear to you that the status quo isn't copacetic. Get to the bottom of it with kind and honest and calm communication. Find out what's going on in her head. Hopefully she'll be honest.

 

Good luck.

[Murray94]

Geeze, that's a passion-killer if ever there was one.

 

........we both live with are parents making that difficult so I don't understand why she's lost complete intrest in having my sex midday while her parents are out for two hours?

 

I get that hence why I think I'm a pig but I try the seductive approach at night I try the planning it in approach I try the spontaneous approach. But if I'm seductive I'm cheesy if I'm spontaneous she's got a reason e.g. parents, not had a shower ect so I try plan it in and she says no because I've asked. Plus before she came home from uni she was really into that hence why I'm now in uncharted waters with no clue what to do

[Murray94]

Geeze, that's a passion-killer if ever there was one.

 

........we both live with are parents making that difficult so I don't understand why she's lost complete intrest in having my sex midday while her parents are out for two hours?

 

One eye on the driveway and one ear on the front door sure doesn't do anything for passion......L

 

I get that but its only been the last 3-4 couple of months shes changed to be like this. Before that wouldn't have bothered her, we even used to do it when they were in the house. So you can see why It bewilders me because Im not used to having to plan a whole night of events when before it was any time and place. Plus I feel at are age this infrequency on sex isn't normal?

[Murray94]

Maybe she's not happy with herself in general which makes her somewhat depressed. The thing here is that she's showing you who she is which is someone with a libido that doesn't match yours. At 21 we were doing it at least once a day but our libidos matched up until I had our daughter (at 30) wherein we had to re-invent the wheel so to speak and we worked it out by making sure we had regular date nights without the baby and kept the focus on us as a couple and not just Mom and Dad to our daughter.

 

She's awfully young to be without the urge IMO. You may just be with the wrong girl but I think it would unfair of you to break it off with her without making it clear to you that the status quo isn't copacetic. Get to the bottom of it with kind and honest and calm communication. Find out what's going on in her head. Hopefully she'll be honest.

 

Good luck.

Shes very smart, head strong and independent but incredibly self conscious. Shes put on weight since we got together but she knows that this doesn't bother me at all and I tell her every day that I love the way she looks, infact I couldn't be more attracted to a person however this all completely glides over her head. For example we're two and a half years in and shes stopped getting dressed in front of me. I think this could be a reason she has low sex drive but I don't know how i could be anymore supportive.

[Itchy]

I'm sorry but if she wanted sex, then she has two hours free to have sex with you. My guess is she could have a medical condition, she could have anxiety, depression or some other mind set issue which is affecting her libido, she could have a naturally low sex drive. There could be a number of things, it's down to you and your girlfriend to discuss things and see how it goes. You can both try and come to a compromise but if you cannot then I suggest to break up with her. Sexual compatibility is important for many flourishing couples, so if you're not on the same wavelength, it's best not to waste your time on this relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

I like a big event where I can woo her ect but we both live with are parents making that difficult so I don't understand why she's lost complete intrest in having my sex midday while her parents are out for two hours?

 

I'm not sure what part of the (above) you don't understand? Russian Roulette comes to mind....

[ThatwasThen]

The weight gain will bother her though. If she doesn't see sexy in the mirror then she likely won't feel sexy, period. The pill puts on weight as well. I'm thinking she should seriously consider getting a non-hormone IUD inserted instead of oral BC. But that's her choice but you could google and do some research and have actual proof about how oral contraceptives can reduce your libido and maybe she would be willing to consider it.

[Itchy]

The weight gain will bother her though. If she doesn't see sexy in the mirror then she likely won't feel sexy, period. The pill puts on weight as well. I'm thinking she should seriously consider getting a non-hormone IUD inserted instead of oral BC. But that's her choice but you could google and do some research and have actual proof about how oral contraceptives can reduce your libido and maybe she would be willing to consider it.

 

Why doesn't he just wear a condom?

[ThatwasThen]

Why doesn't he just wear a condom?

Because not too many want that as a steady birth control method when in a long term, committed relationship, I suppose? Plus, they'd have to be 100% compliant and if they don't trust themselves to be that, then it's not a very effective means of staying baby-free.

[Itchy]

Because not too many want that as a steady birth control method when in a long term, committed relationship, I suppose? Plus, they'd have to be 100% compliant and if they don't trust themselves to be that, then it's not a very effective means of staying baby-free.

 

Yes very true, but birth control would be the least of my worries when I'm down the doctors with a penis that feels like it has been engulfed by an inferno but each to their own.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes very true, but birth control would be the least of my worries when I'm down the doctors with a penis that feels like it has been engulfed by an inferno but each to their own.

They've been in a 2-1/2 year monogamous (assuming) relationship. I certainly wouldn't recommend casual sex with interment partners without having him wrap it. lol

[Itchy]

They've been in a 2-1/2 year monogamous (assuming) relationship. I certainly wouldn't recommend casual sex with interment partners without having him wrap it. lol

 

I don't trust people fully, so I would refuse to have sex without a condom, period. No condom, no sex; it's as simple as that.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't trust people fully, so I would refuse to have sex without a condom, period. No condom, no sex; it's as simple as that.

 

Your prerogative.

[mustlovedogs]

Be careful suggesting an IUD. My OB told me that he is very hesitant with IUDs for women who haven't had a child because it can be a "white knuckle experience" (his words, not mine). I just don't think you should pressure her in to any method.

 

I also had a friend with an IUD and it caused her terrible pain for weeks after getting it.

 

Not bashing IUDs at all - I think they are great (just not for me at this point in my life). All I'm saying is I would recommend an open discussion re: all BC methods with your girlfriend instead of suggesting a specific method, if you wanted to discuss it at all.

[Murray94]

The weight gain will bother her though. If she doesn't see sexy in the mirror then she likely won't feel sexy, period. The pill puts on weight as well. I'm thinking she should seriously consider getting a non-hormone IUD inserted instead of oral BC. But that's her choice but you could google and do some research and have actual proof about how oral contraceptives can reduce your libido and maybe she would be willing to consider it.

 

She was on the IUD for about 2 and half years and she started getting periods again also We spoke about the reduced sex drive and she said that she just doesn't feel anything anymore. Like she used to get horny during sex scenes in films ect but now its nothing. so we she felt like it was a side affect of the IUD and got it out this week. She decided to change back to the pill which she was on before we met and she had no problems with. Hopefully this will bring back the sex drive. If not like you said I will have to speak to her. Its just become such a stress and shock that no matter what I do she doesn't want to have sex, which to me is such a foreign thing as ever time I see her Its all I can think off.

[mustlovedogs]

Murray, just another heads up - not trying to be negative over here, but it's a side effect of the pill. The birth control pill can actually change what you are attracted to. Since she has never been on it while you were dating, she could lose (or gain) attraction to you.