24 year age gap

[Aful]

I don't really know how to start this off. I was 17 when me and my -now/ still - boyfriend met and he was 41 at the time... we've been together for about 4 and a half years now. I mean it's a super mega long story but basically I had to lie to my family for 3 years about our relationship and when I had to tell them it was a show. Now when I'm around my family we just act like he dosnt exists . It's pretty crappy but whatever at least I'm not lying anymore . I guess I finally decided to write one of these because I know how hard it can be if people are unsupportive and figured I've experienced and lived this long enough to give out advice or experiences if anyone needed anything or had any questions or if they just wanted to talk and relate iunno . Anyway that's sort of the jist of my age gap sorry so far. Feel free to ask questions or lemme know your stories !!

[Wiseman2]

Is he divorced with kids? Do you want kids, marriage, etc? Do you live together?

[reinventmyself]

He's 24 years older than you. I get you know that.

Do you see being with him indefinitely? Are you sure or having second thoughts?

If you are sure he's the one and you've been together for 4 year and things are still going strong, then you should tell your family.

[Zaphod]

Unfortunately society does tend to be very ageist, half the time without realising it. We have overcome boundaries with sexism, racism, etc. but ageism seems a bit stuck. Realistically you are up against this, but I always think, when you reach the end of your life, you don't want to be regretting not having done stuff because a load of old prudes dissaprove.

 

Age gaps are "unusual" to people, and people tend to regard unusual things with suspicion, it's just a matter of getting used to it. I suspect that as time goes on and longevity improves, you'll see all kinds of age gap relationships spring up.

 

4 years together is a living testament to the fact that these things are possible.

[melancholy123]

If I was your mother I'd have had him charged with statutory rape. This guy is old enough to be your father. I'll stop here as I have nothing more to say about this.

[ThatwasThen]

Prejudice and stereotyping of "Old Prudes" aside: I am of the opinion that: Something is wrong with a man that at 41 would be with someone as young as you were and still are, Op.

[Zaphod]

If I was your mother I'd have had him charged with statutory rape.

 

Why?

 

This guy is old enough to be your father.

 

And?

 

Something is wrong with a man that at 41 would be with someone as young as you were and still are, Op.

 

Why? And if you'll forgive me, this is a perfect example of ageism. Two people connect, two "souls", if that's your bent, yet one is born the blink of an eye (in the grand scheme) later than the other one. And you think that means there's something wrong? This is as far as we understand a perfectly legal arrangement?

 

You can't just make these statements without backing them up with at least some kind of reasoning.

[ThatwasThen]

Because the majority of the time, there IS something wrong with them, that's why. Any man who is in his right mind would find himself not being attracted to a little girl. That same goes for any woman who pursues a little boy of when there is that kind of age difference. There should be NOTHING in common with someone that much younger then you (the general you) and if there is, then that would mean that there is something wrong mentally with the person that much older.

 

Now... if she were a grown woman who has experienced life and they were 24 years apart then that would indicate the he (or she) were in a much more healthy mind frame.

[Zaphod]

Because the majority of the time, there IS something wrong with them, that's why. Any man who is in his right mind would find himself not being attracted to a little girl.

 

All you're doing is just repeating yourself using different words. I assume this girl is, for want of a better phrase, nubile, yes? Has a brain? Is a person? Very far from being a "little girl" I'd say. As a woman, she probably has a lot to offer.

 

In a way, I find this insulting to the OP. Any woman who at age of 17 can attract and hold a 41 year old man should be admired both for maturity and content of character IMHO.

 

Remember - this isn't a dirty weekend in Paris. This couple have been together 4 years.

 

There should be NOTHING in common with someone that much younger then you (the general you) and if there is, then that would mean that there is something wrong mentally with the person that much older.

 

Now... if she were a grown woman who has experienced life and they were 17 years apart then that would indicate the he (or she) were in a much more healthy mind frame.

 

What has having things in common got to do with anything? We know that is only one model for a relationship. We know that relationships often thrive on the differences. I also don't see how this logically points to there being something wrong mentally with the older person. Perhaps the younger person is kind, generous, honourable, polite. Qualities to be admired in a partner and not necessarily requiring age. It's not a list of check-boxes. It's chemistry.

[ThatwasThen]

All you're doing is just repeating yourself using different words. I assume this girl is, for want of a better phrase, nubile, yes? Has a brain? Is a person? Very far from being a "little girl" I'd say. As a woman, she probably has a lot to offer.

 

In a way, I find this insulting to the OP. Any woman who at age of 17 can attract and hold a 41 year old man should be admired both for maturity and content of character IMHO.

 

Remember - this isn't a dirty weekend in Paris. This couple have been together 4 years.

I added to that quote while you were posting. And, no, I am not just repeating the same thing.

In a way, I find this insulting to the OP. Any woman who at age of 17 can attract and hold a 41 year old man should be admired both for maturity and content of character IMHO.

or the very lack of that so thank you for hammering in my point... you have heard of "daddy issues," I'm sure.

 

Anyway.. this is like any abortion thread. We all have an "IMHO" and no one is going to change the other's mind.

 

Remember - this isn't a dirty weekend in Paris. This couple have been together 4 years.

So? Codependents stay together for years too. That doesn't mean they're actually in a healthy union. Op hasn't said how healthy this last four years has or hasn't been so no point commenting further on that.

[Zaphod]

you have heard of "daddy issues," I'm sure.

 

I know what you're saying, but I don't think it's fair to right someone's relationship off just because of some Freudian style hypothesis.

 

And even if it is "Daddy issues" - it fulfills a need. She's happy. He's happy. I don't see the problem?

 

It's the "Been together 4 years" bit here that is the main caveat. Just because these things are slightly improbable doesn't mean they don't happen.

 

Back in the fifties, people were having these kind of conversations about their daughters getting involved with the handsome dark Jamaican immigrants, convinced it would lead to no good. Because it was strange to them. But given time, these things become more accepted. I think we have quite a way to go though.

[ThatwasThen]

Zap: You don't know anything about this relationship other then she's in it with an older man. You have your opinion, I have mine and I don't think comparing apples to oranges is productive to the conversation so we'll just have to agree to disagree.

[Zaphod]

Zap: You don't know anything about this relationship other then she's in it with an older man.

 

That's exactly my point. We can't go flinging stereotypes around before we know about the particular relationship in question.

 

Also, I don't in fact entirely disagree with you. We all know that older people can use psychological manipulation to get young people say, into bed, for example. But we musn't assume that's the case with all of them, tar them all with the same brush, so to speak. Also, it's not unknown for a younger person to use their youth to manipulate the older person into a relationship, so it does work both ways.

 

You don't have to agree with me, I'm not like that. But I would like to know the thinking behind people's statements a little bit rather than just stating that say, someone is old enough to be someone else's father and for some reason there's something wrong with that, but then cutting off before explaining why?

 

But yeah, agree to disagree is cool with me, of course it is

[ThatwasThen]

That's exactly my point. We can't go flinging stereotypes around before we know about the particular relationship in question.

Yes, we can and I just did because most of the time, a man that old that would pursue a woman that young has something missing in him or, she has. like I said MOST or more times then not.

 

Also, I don't in fact entirely disagree with you. We all know that older people can use psychological manipulation to get young people say, into bed, for example. But we musn't assume that's the case with all of them, tar them all with the same brush, so to speak.

I never said all of them I said "the majority of the time."

Also, it's not unknown for a younger person to use their youth to manipulate the older person into a relationship, so it does work both ways.

Yes, and I stated that as much as well.

 

You don't have to agree with me, I'm not like that. But I would like to know the thinking behind people's statements a little bit rather than just stating that say, someone is old enough to be someone else's father and for some reason there's something wrong with that, but then cutting off before explaining why?

I thought it was obvious.

 

Anyway, the Op is lurking so I'm surprised she hasn't come back in and given some background about this relationship.

 

But yeah, agree to disagree is cool with me, of course it is I just didn't want the thread to get closed for running it's course because we're debating.

[Zaphod]

Ok, so following this through logically :

 

Yes, we can and I just did because most of the time, a man that old that would pursue a woman that young has something missing in him or, she has. like I said MOST or more times then not.

 

Ok, more times than not. So what happens the rest of the time? Some kind of void? No. The rest of the time is the times when it it's something different. This is what I'm suggesting could be the case here. I mean, I've got a 17 year old second Cousin, and I'll be damned if she doesn't run the whole family. I would say she's far more mature than her mother or her aunt.

 

I never said all of them I said "the majority of the time."

Yes, and I stated that as much as well.

 

I ask you the same question as I ask above. What happens the minority of the time then?

 

I thought it was obvious.

 

I'm sensing a slight avoidance of the question. No, it's not obvious, otherwise I wouldn't be asking you. Let me give you a scenario - Man and woman, 14 year age gap. He's theoretically and probably biologically old enough to be her father.

 

It doesn't mean that he is her father. It doesn't mean anything, aside from chance having placed their birthdates in different years.

 

I just didn't want the thread to get closed for running it's course because we're debating.

 

Do they do that sort of thing around here? Hopefully they give a warning first. Shame, because it is a viable debate IMHO. And hopefully some things the OP can glean from it. Perhaps she could come back and tell us whether she has "Daddy issues" and how she eveluates the mental health of her partner?

 

My opinion is about these matters, for what it's worth, that they really need evalutaing on a case-by-case basis. Would you view that as a suitable compromise point for us to part ways on? I do like a bit of diplomacy if possible.

[sexypink]

Thatwasthen:

 

Yes! I agree with you!!

 

This is so wrong in so many ways. All this stuff about ageism and how it's "two souls" yada yada is making my stomach turn.

 

I think This is just WRONG

 

 

YES, people molest youngsters for YEARS. it's hardly ever a one-time thing, and I believe that's exactly what's happening here...a 4 year long grooming process

 

 

Get AWAY from him and ask your family for help.

 

You're coming here because you KNOW something isn't right. You deserve a good relationship with someone wonderful after some counseling to get this straightened out.

 

 

Good

Luck to you!

 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[Pixels]

Part of me thinks that you know what most people will say, and you're (at least somewhat) partially fishing for approval.

 

I'm not going to get into molestation and grooming, cause to some extent those are just buzz words (I'm not downplaying the issue, just saying... You've probably heard it all before so why bother). I also think those terms grossly simplify these situations and take a strongly biased social stance to label the mature party as a deplorable criminal... Honestly? I don't always believe that's the entire story, and that's not my place to say...

 

What I will ask though, is do you really want a relationship like this? A relationship you've have to hide from family? Lie about? A relationship you know will never be free of social judgement? Why is he so attracted to YOU? Why not someone his own age? Or even within 5-10 years?

 

What do your lives have in common? Where do you see your future going? You still have a world of potential ahead of you, he's almost retired... How do you feel about that?

 

Are you doing this relationship because it's really what you want more than anything else? Or because you don't want to lose it?

 

You're an adult now, you're free to make your own decisions. Yes, I disagree with your relations. You already know nearly everyone else will, too... But it's also not my responsibility or concern to care... So...

 

All I can rightfully ask is whether this is the path you're happy following for the rest of your life.

[sexypink]

"Buzz" words? Grooming and molestation..."Buzz"words? Are you kidding?

[Pixels]

"Buzz" words? Grooming and molestation..."Buzz"words? Are you kidding?

 

No, I'm not kidding... They're words that are commonly used in media to illicit visceral emotional reactions towards a story... By definition, they have become buzz words...

 

It's a serious problem with how our media treats this issue. As such, I would like to discuss the issue without using those specific words or relying on a strict stance of disapproval, because quite frankly that vocabulary and set of techniques have been gratuitously exploited to the point that it's seen as a farce and met with resistance by people who could legitimately benefit from the messages.

[Zaphod]

Thatwasthen:

 

Yes! I agree with you!!

 

This is so wrong in so many ways. All this stuff about ageism and how it's "two souls" yada yada is making my stomach turn.

 

 

Whether it makes your stomach turn is irrelevant.

 

I think This is just WRONG

 

Why?

 

 

YES, people molest youngsters for YEARS. it's hardly ever a one-time thing, and I believe that's exactly what's happening here...a 4 year long grooming process

 

1 : Grooming applies to children, not nubile women. This is a mis-use of the word. Pedophile is often misused on here too, I notice. People don't seem to actually understand what these words mean, and they're bandied around like nobody's business.

 

2 : Four year long grooming process? For what? So he can get her into bed? I think that probably happened ages ago. Explain - what is his end goal here?

 

Grooming usually applies to talking to underage people online with an aim of trying to manipulate them into having sex. This is hardly the case here.

 

What's more relevant is the point that Pixels makes above about having to hide it from your family, again it's like interracial relationships used to be. It's "In the closet". Can you live with that?

 

I agree with Pixels - "Grooming" is an example of a buzzword, yes. Any kind of extreme age-gap relationship comes up and the witch hunt begins, out come the "grooming" and "pedophile" cards, and the "That's disgusting" comments. I wonder whether it might be the same if it was a 41 year old woman with a 17 year old man?

 

We have a friend of the family as it goes, who, when she was 60, dated a 21 year old man for about 5 years, and it was very successful. I knew him. He was the only man she could find to match her intellectually. Because age does not equal maturity. Of course, she was probably "grooming" him, right?

 

At first it seemed strange, sure. But after about six months, the dust settled and we all realised this was for real. Just because it's improbable doesn't make it "wrong".

 

You're coming here because you KNOW something isn't right.

 

That I would agree with. But she isn't complaining about the partner. She's complaining about the fact that she feels she has to hide it. A very different matter.

 

This is so wrong in so many ways.

 

"So many" ways eh?

 

Name three things that are "wrong" about it. Because the law doesn't agree with you (assuming legal age is 16).

[Pixels]

Whether it makes your stomach turn is irrelevant.

 

 

 

Why?

 

 

 

 

1 : Grooming applies to children, not nubile women. This is a mis-use of the word. Pedophile is often misused on here too, I notice. People don't seem to actually understand what these words mean, and they're bandied around like nobody's business.

 

2 : Four year long grooming process? For what? So he can get her into bed? I think that probably happened ages ago. Explain - what is his end goal here?

 

Grooming usually applies to talking to underage people online with an aim of trying to manipulate them into having sex. This is hardly the case here.

 

What's more relevant is the point that Pixels makes above about having to hide it from your family, again it's like interracial relationships used to be. It's "In the closet". Can you live with that?

 

I agree with Pixels - "Grooming" is an example of a buzzword, yes. Any kind of extreme age-gap relationship comes up and the witch hunt begins, out come the "grooming" and "pedophile" cards, and the "That's disgusting" comments. I wonder whether it might be the same if it was a 41 year old woman with a 17 year old man?

 

We have a friend of the family as it goes, who, when she was 65, dated a 21 year old man for about 5 years, and it was very successful. I knew him. He was the only man she could find to match her intellectually. Because age does not equal maturity. Of course, she was probably "grooming" him, right?

 

At first it seemed strange, sure. But after about six months, the dust settled and we all realised this was for real. Just because it's improbable doesn't make it "wrong".

 

 

 

That I would agree with. But she isn't complaining about the partner. She's complaining about the fact that she feels she has to hide it. A very different matter.

 

Even though you thanked me, I have some strong disagreements with you... I feel the issue is broad enough that it detracts from the specific case of the OP and is not in their interest to carry out the discussion here...

[Zaphod]

Even though you thanked me, I have some strong disagreements with you... I feel the issue is broad enough that it detracts from the specific case of the OP and is not in their interest to carry out the discussion here...

 

Ok, well then personally I'll drop out and wait for the OP to re-post (if she's going to) and let's see whether she can enlighten us. It's a bit hard to go on at the moment.

 

Just a last comment - I'm 46, and am currently interested in an extremely beautiful woman I know who got divorced about a year ago. She's 52. Even I'm getting the "She's too old" thing from my friends. Seems like you can't win either way sometimes.

[Pixels]

Ok, well then personally I'll drop out and wait for the OP to re-post (if she's going to) and let's see whether she can enlighten us. It's a bit hard to go on at the moment.

 

Just a last comment - I'm 46, and am currently interested in an extremely beautiful woman I know who got divorced about a year ago. She's 52. Even I'm getting the "She's too old" thing from my friends. Seems like you can't win either way sometimes.

 

You're well into your professional life at your age and have cleared most developmental milestones, and the woman in question has a 6 year age gap. I think it's silly for people to give you a hard time at your age, but trust you might not consider a relationship between a 17 year old boy and a 41 year old woman to be on par in terms of balance and emotional experience/maturity with your situation.

[Zaphod]

you might not consider a relationship between a 17 year old boy and a 41 year old woman to be on par in terms of balance and emotional experience/maturity with your situation.

 

Just to clarify, I was comparing the 17/41 with the OP's situation, not mine. The reason I mentioned mine was to highlight the prevalence of it, apparently even occuring in such an obscure and mild version of the situation like my one.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm done, deleting this. It's too close to what happened to my family.

 

And there is a giant world of difference in a romance where two people are both grown consenting adults who have had some life experience under their belt and one of them being a grown consenting adult with life experience under his belt while the other is still a minor who has to hide what's going on from their parents.

 

Not the same, not at all.

 

That's all I'm going to say on the matter. OP if you were truly a mature teenager why didn't you tell this guy he needed to wait, that you wouldn't skulk around and hide what was going on from your family? Why didn't you make him wait until you were of a legal age? Because he didn't want to, right? Because he persuaded you to keep it all hidden, right?

 

Frankly, that's not the mature thing to do, giving in to someone else over something you knew was wrong or you wouldn't have hid it.

 

Think about it.