24 year age gap

[Pixels]

Screw it, there's nothing I can add here that isn't full of bitter rage over the family member who was 20 years older than my underage sibling who he ran off with, got pregnant, and used my nephew as a bargaining chip to keep my family from pressing charges.

Then tried to molest me when I was just a couple of years younger than dear sis was when he ran off with her. He's still married to her by the way, she took him right back after he did his jail time for my attempted rape.

 

So much for December-May romances. There is a vast, giant difference between two legally consenting adults getting together who have an age gap and one of them being old enough to be a parent to an underage minor. OP it sounds romantic and all, but if this was all on the up and up how come you had to wait three years and keep going behind your parents back?

 

Not going to say anything else here, but OP you are dreaming if you think this has a happy ending.

 

And no, no 17-year-old out there is as mature and responsible as they like to think they are. If OP was really all that she'd have told this guy, "You need to wait until I'm legally of age and we are not going to hide this, got it. You want me, you'll wait until we can make this right."

 

Not have hidden it from everyone. That's not the sign of someone mature, that's the sign of someone being pushed by someone much older to give in and give him what he wanted and keep the family from finding out until they couldn't do anything although if they wanted to yeah, they likely could.

 

Bingo, I think you win this one. I mean, you're literally dripping with angry bias... But you also make an undeniable point that having to hide things isn't a sign of maturity... It's also not a sign that you're making a good choice... Even adults do it, and it's no different when they do...

[ParisPaulette]

Bingo, I think you win this one.

 

Here's the thing, I don't want to win this one. I didn't come into this post looking to win any arguments, I didn't come here looking to make a case. I said what I said from the heart and deleted it, and deleted and rewrote, because this post touches me and my own experiences on a very personal level.

 

OP, I didn't remain neutral and for that I'm sorry. It's why I deleted the original post. Too much anger, too much pain, you have your own pain to deal with and I didn't want to overshadow that.

 

I want you, OP, to have a good happy life with a good relationship with your family. And to just stop a second and maybe realize what was asked of you was not the kind of thing that someone who truly loves one, who has their true best interests at heart would have or should have asked of you.

 

I believe in love. I also believe two people can wait, for years if need be, to do the right thing.

 

It's not whether I've won, it's what has OP herself won that is the question. And only she can answer that, but I hope it will all turn out okay. One day.

[ParisPaulette]

Even adults do it, and it's no different when they do...

 

When you have to hide your relationship with another something is wrong, be it child, teenager or adult. This is very true.

 

And yes, I am biased. I actually have apologized for that. I can't always be neutral, but if someone wants neutrality they have to pay a therapist for that.

 

All any of us on this forum can do is bring our own views and experiences to the table and others take what they can from that and use it or toss it.

 

In the end it's really only up to the OP, we can all debate and urge her to do this or that, but it's actually on her what gets done.

[Pixels]

When you have to hide your relationship with another something is wrong, be it child, teenager or adult. This is very true.

 

And yes, I am biased. I actually have apologized for that. I can't always be neutral, but if someone wants neutrality they have to pay a therapist for that.

 

All any of us on this forum can do is bring our own views and experiences to the table and others take what they can from that and use it or toss it.

 

In the end it's really only up to the OP, we can all debate and urge her to do this or that, but it's actually on her what gets done.

 

IMO you have nothing to apologize about. I said you 'win' because you made a pretty comprehensive post with points that I really don't think anyone could argue against, regardless of their personal stances on the issue.

 

Screw bias... We're all biased.. Ideally we aren't, but we are... So hey, not calling you out for anything, just trying to commend you for making good input...

[Lucia Amman]

I was 20 and he was 40. We stayed together for 8 years and had two children.

My mom was 22 my father 38 when they met. They stayed together for 21 years until he died.

My sister was 17 he was 28 - are still together. Ok, we might have a weird family and I can see where we are coming from but I don't really see a problem with an age gap and would never see how our family would lie about it either or try to hide it or pretend it isn't there. We might disagree with each other's choices but we would never want it to become between us as a family.

 

Would I recommend it? No probably not. There weren't any problems with the age gap per se but I can see some problems that grew bigger overtime because of our age difference. When my ex almost turned 50 I couldn't help but thinking that my blooming years were wasted on this 'older guy' - I should be living: having fun with girls my age and date more etc. Instead my ex was happily settled with me and our children and thought I should be contempt with the good life we're living. We had plenty of money, a roof over our heads, vacations every year and two healthy kids. 'You don't even like to go out!' He would exclaim if I tried to make him understand my feelings, and yes it was true. For a long time I didn't want to go out as I was dealing with feelings I couldn't explain just yet, but now that I overcome those feelings I would like to try to go out: see how it feels.

 

I understand that some of our problems weren't made by our age difference though, some of the problems would have popped up in any long term relationship. Some people are just less outgoing and some might suddenly have different urges than they had before they started the relationship. People change. But I'm inclined to think that older people change faster in one direction and young people in the opposite direction. As you're running towards your 30's you might feel the urge to life more, do more things, experience life in the deepest way. While someone going into their 50's might have already experienced most things they wanted to experience, traveled to countries they wanted to see and are more in for living life to the fullest with enjoying the little things in life; being more settled into themselves and less seeking for adventures experiences but more seeking adventures that are less enthralling for a 30 years old. 'Relationships always derail towards this, the romance goes away, your love-blindness and butterfly stomach eases and you end up with a true relationship. You should settle with what we have; it is good as we live like we both wanted and we can do what we like.' Was what my ex said in an attempt to bargain me for my life. I never could fully believe him and it took me long enough for I had the courage to leave him. It felt like I betrayed my younger self who once loved the older him, and betraying him for giving up his 'best years' and now leaving him 'too old' to start another life. Of course I know that if he truly wants he could find another wife but let's be honest; it's tougher to date after your 50's than it is/was in your 30's or 40's.

 

I'm not really an ageist. I believe there can be true love with romance and respect between two people who have a severe age gap. But that does make the relationship the best they can have? I'm to believe that in reflection upon my younger years I've wasted my time with him. I've two beautiful children so I wouldn't want to think to do it over - differently because I wouldn't want to miss them. But I sometimes wish I had never met him and just lived my beautiful young life.

[Jibralta]

When my ex almost turned 50 I couldn't help but thinking that my blooming years were wasted on this 'older guy' - I should be living: having fun with girls my age and date more etc. Instead my ex was happily settled with me and our children and thought I should be contempt with the good life we're living. We had plenty of money, a roof over our heads, vacations every year and two healthy kids. 'You don't even like to go out!' He would exclaim if I tried to make him understand my feelings, and yes it was true. For a long time I didn't want to go out as I was dealing with feelings I couldn't explain just yet, but now that I overcome those feelings I would like to try to go out: see how it feels.

 

Maturity differences, psychological needs, social taboo, and family pressure aside, I think this a major reality of the situation: A young woman tied down to a certain way of living without having first experienced life on her own terms.

 

People change, especially in their mid- to late-twenties, when they have some experience under their belt. What seems like a secure and comfortable existence to a woman-child can feel more like captivity to a 25- to 30-year old who feels her full power.

 

Another reality is the aging process itself. I always remember one of my mom's friends trying to run across a street with her husband, who was 15 years older than she was at the time. The woman was about 60, the husband about 75. The poor guy just could not keep up. It was sad to see. He died a few years later and his wife was left alone with very few prospects for a new relationship.

[Zaphod]

Interesting to se what the OP has to say about this (although it's looking doubtful she'll post again here) as her initial post is offering advice based on the fact that she knows how unsupportive people can be, which is pretty evidently demonstrated here.

 

As for the physical thing mentioned above - this can easily happen between same-age couples where one becomes infirmed/disabled etc. - in fact I know two couples that I can think of in their forties where this is the case.

 

My Grandmother died when she was 65, leaving my Grandfather who was 70 alone for the rest of his life, until he was 83.

 

It's what happens.

[Lucia Amman]

Although I mostly agree with you Zaphod and I do think a lot like you from personal experience I just think any 20 year old shouldn't be in a serious relationship just yet. I don't think the age difference is what concerns me the most. It is the young age in general. And I still stand by my believe that a 40/50 year old is just in a very different period in his/her life than a young 20 year old. It doesn't matter if you're 30 and he/she is 60 than go for it!! Really, I think at 30 you've experienced some loves, some romances and some heartbreaks, your brain is fully developed (which is only fully developed at 25 years old!) and you know what you're getting into with a 60 year old man/woman.

 

The problem with this age gap at such a young age is just that you're more likable to mold your life around the older one instead of the other way around. You're much more vulnerable because your brain is not fully developed yet and you're missing out on certain experiences. For me personally at least I think I would have experienced life totally different if I had a bloke who was my own age when I was in my 20's. We would have faced the same problems with finding an university, choosing a possible career, having friends-/problems with/ at college, doing exams. A much older guy or girl is way beyond that. He/she might remember all of it but in the scheme of things it's just not that much important looking for him/her as it once was. As a teenager and youngster in their twenties is what life's made out of. Someone in their late twenties or maybe early thirties might still feel the emphasis these life choices and stress for exams once felt but someone in their late 40's has just had so many other experiences that these life experiences in their 20's are put to the background.

 

Of course, everyone's experiences are different and between your mid 20's and 60's everyone has a totally different set of experiences. One goes to travel the world, others are making career, the third is changing the world, others go to war. No one ends up living the same life and yet some of these people always find ways to find one another and think it's a good idea to start a relationship. But in your teenage years and before your mid 20's everyone is in the same pool of likely having to make the same choices, the same if not similar experiences and the same uncertainties. After that it's a total wildcard with what you end up with for making experiences.

 

Now I get it. I was once in her shoes. At the time I found it a pleasant relationship and it was making me feel secure at the time and I don't think I would have wanted to trade it for anything at that point in time. He was a decent guy, had made career and was there for me when things got rough. What I'm advising against is to make a serious commitment like marriage or having children. Because this is just not likely to end well. I think that in her late twenties or early thirties this relationship will end. And she is going to look back with some regrets. And yes regrets comes with every relationship. But I just feel, for me, it stinged deeper because of all of the above I just told here. I feel I've wasted my youth on an older guy. And looking back on it I don't think he was being decent at all but that he was using me and manipulating me. If I look at teenagers of 19 years old or 17(!) than all I can think: what was he thinking?! I have nieces that age now and sure they're grown ups and are able to make their own decisions but in no way are they on the same level as a 40 year old. The youngest hook up that I've had when I was 29 was with a 25 year old guy. And even him I could feel and notice that although he was way smarter than me and had figured out more about life than I had; he was still too young for me. I can't explain what the difference was but I could feel He needed some more life experience before he would be fully developed/ripe for getting into a serious relationship (with someone who was older). We just were still world's apart. His young age just beamed through him even if he was wise beyond his years. And I just think and believe that's true for every 17 till 26th your old person.

[Itchy]

Lucia I don't know where you get this notion that the brain isn't developed before 25, there was little difference between me being 22,23,24 and 25. I have noticed you keep on churning this line out and provide no scientific evidence to validate your point. This said I wouldn't advise any get into a relationship with a 24 year age gap, but each to their own.

[Lucia Amman]

Lucia I don't know where you get this notion that the brain isn't developed before 25, there was little difference between me being 22,23,24 and 25. I have noticed you keep on churning this line out and provide no scientific evidence to validate your point. This said I wouldn't advise any get into a relationship with a 24 year age gap, but each to their own.

 

/

 

I just actual read it in a lot of books about neuroscience.

[Itchy]

/

 

I just actual read it in a lot of books about neuroscience.

 

Fair enough, I shall have a read of this, it sounds interesting. I will of course take everything I read with a pinch of salt seeing as Science doesn't have the most reliable of track records. That said I don't think many young people are equiped to have any kind of relationships, even casual one's. STI's between the 18-24 category of people is off the charts from what I've read, so perhaps you are right and so is the scientific research.

[Jibralta]

I have to agree with the brain-development theory, as it's been my own experience. For me, it was a progression that took place over a few years, but it started right around 25. At the time, I had no idea what was happening. I just felt uncomfortable in situations where I used to be comfortable. One very significant change was that I could no longer tolerate some of my friends. I felt like they were being idiots, totally superficial and only concerned with partying and going out. But I didn't know if it was them or I who had the problem. I felt really bad about this. Like, what's wrong with me that I can't get along with these people anymore?

 

I realized it was a maturity thing when I went to graduate school. I was 30, and approaching my graduate degree with the focus and discipline that I'd gained from 8 years of working. The degree program was relatively small, only about 16 students. Most of my classmates were 25-28. I got along with them just fine. I found that I didn't have so much in common with the two or three who were 24 and younger, though. At that point, it still hadn't occurred to me that it might be an age-gap thing.

 

What really drove it home for me was an experience that I had when I was 32. The graduate class and some advanced senior undergraduate classes had the opportunity to study abroad in Italy for a semester. The graduate students shared a dorm building with the undergraduates, most of whom were about 21. That's where I really saw the Great Age Divide. It was fine hanging out with the 21-year olds on the Campo at night, because of course they knew how to party. But collaborating with them on projects was exhausting. They were all very smart, but their lack of life experience was quite an obstacle. Watching them make decisions was like watching clowns herd cats.

 

After that experience, I saw my own experience as a 25-year old with new insight.

[ParisPaulette]

Interesting turn to this thread. In my college classes I had a professor who sort of laid that same theory out, but then brought up the idea of "is it that the brain develops over time or does time develop the brain?" And we debated it.

 

For me I suspect it may be both, sometimes more one than the other. Yes, we do get smarter as we get older (hopefully) but a lot of that is born out of added experience and knowledge as we go along. Does that make our brain form neural pathways that weren't there before? I do know physical therapy and other exercises with brain damaged patients can help in part, because the brain will to some degree if not totally damaged sometimes attempt to form new pathways if there is enough repetition or knowledge for it to do so.

 

A child and a teen and even a young adult is more vulnerable than an adult with some life experience, not just because they're smaller but they also don't have the same pool of knowledge to draw from. The older we get the more we add to that pool of knowledge and hopefully anyways we're able to make more informed decisions. Not always better true, but hopefully more informed.

 

And just to set the record straight I am not against all May-December romances. If two people are over the age of 25 then I would say they have enough information to at least know the consequences and barriers they might face with a huge age gap. The problem I saw in this case was one was a teen with next to no experience, while the other is old enough to be her father.

 

That's the disparity most fail to recognize, the age gap is such a problem because of a disparity of knowledge. As a teen I was much more vulnerable for a number of reasons, all pretty much stemming from not having the same knowledge base that I now possess.

[Aful]

yeah hes divorced he has kids, and we live together, but right now I'm in school so during the school year I just live in res and go back home on the weekends and see my family on long weekends/ holidays

[Aful]

i told my family over a year ago.

[Aful]

Join Date:

 

Jun 2016

 

Posts:

 

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yeah hes divorced he has kids, and we live together, but right now I'm in school so during the school year I just live in res and go back home on the weekends and see my family on long weekends/ holidays

Is he divorced with kids? Do you want kids, marriage, etc? Do you live together?

[Wiseman2]

So you live on campus? As long as you and he are ok with this. How old are your parents compared to him...is that an issue for them?

yeah hes divorced he has kids, and we live together, but right now I'm in school so during the school year I just live in res and go back home on the weekends and see my family on long weekends/ holidays

[Aful]

its legal at 16 so..... you wouldn't have been able to anyway

If I was your mother I'd have had him charged with statutory rape. This guy is old enough to be your father. I'll stop here as I have nothing more to say about this.

[Aful]

it's not approval i said why i posed this . ahha I've been in it for 4 years, so i don't really care what people say it's more just for anyone else who cares or wants to talk or whatever. and as far as "following this path for the rest of my life" i could ask the same about any relationship? if youre not happy leave, and i will, if there comes a time I'm not happy, as will he.

Part of me thinks that you know what most people will say, and you're (at least somewhat) partially fishing for approval.

 

I'm not going to get into molestation and grooming, cause to some extent those are just buzz words (I'm not downplaying the issue, just saying... You've probably heard it all before so why bother). I also think those terms grossly simplify these situations and take a strongly biased social stance to label the mature party as a deplorable criminal... Honestly? I don't always believe that's the entire story, and that's not my place to say...

 

What I will ask though, is do you really want a relationship like this? A relationship you've have to hide from family? Lie about? A relationship you know will never be free of social judgement? Why is he so attracted to YOU? Why not someone his own age? Or even within 5-10 years?

 

What do your lives have in common? Where do you see your future going? You still have a world of potential ahead of you, he's almost retired... How do you feel about that?

 

Are you doing this relationship because it's really what you want more than anything else? Or because you don't want to lose it?

 

You're an adult now, you're free to make your own decisions. Yes, I disagree with your relations. You already know nearly everyone else will, too... But it's also not my responsibility or concern to care... So...

 

All I can rightfully ask is whether this is the path you're happy following for the rest of your life.

[Aful]

yup

QUOTE=Lucia Amman;6569732]I was 20 and he was 40. We stayed together for 8 years and had two children.

My mom was 22 my father 38 when they met. They stayed together for 21 years until he died.

My sister was 17 he was 28 - are still together. Ok, we might have a weird family and I can see where we are coming from but I don't really see a problem with an age gap and would never see how our family would lie about it either or try to hide it or pretend it isn't there. We might disagree with each other's choices but we would never want it to become between us as a family.

 

Would I recommend it? No probably not. There weren't any problems with the age gap per se but I can see some problems that grew bigger overtime because of our age difference. When my ex almost turned 50 I couldn't help but thinking that my blooming years were wasted on this 'older guy' - I should be living: having fun with girls my age and date more etc. Instead my ex was happily settled with me and our children and thought I should be contempt with the good life we're living. We had plenty of money, a roof over our heads, vacations every year and two healthy kids. 'You don't even like to go out!' He would exclaim if I tried to make him understand my feelings, and yes it was true. For a long time I didn't want to go out as I was dealing with feelings I couldn't explain just yet, but now that I overcome those feelings I would like to try to go out: see how it feels.

 

I understand that some of our problems weren't made by our age difference though, some of the problems would have popped up in any long term relationship. Some people are just less outgoing and some might suddenly have different urges than they had before they started the relationship. People change. But I'm inclined to think that older people change faster in one direction and young people in the opposite direction. As you're running towards your 30's you might feel the urge to life more, do more things, experience life in the deepest way. While someone going into their 50's might have already experienced most things they wanted to experience, traveled to countries they wanted to see and are more in for living life to the fullest with enjoying the little things in life; being more settled into themselves and less seeking for adventures experiences but more seeking adventures that are less enthralling for a 30 years old. 'Relationships always derail towards this, the romance goes away, your love-blindness and butterfly stomach eases and you end up with a true relationship. You should settle with what we have; it is good as we live like we both wanted and we can do what we like.' Was what my ex said in an attempt to bargain me for my life. I never could fully believe him and it took me long enough for I had the courage to leave him. It felt like I betrayed my younger self who once loved the older him, and betraying him for giving up his 'best years' and now leaving him 'too old' to start another life. Of course I know that if he truly wants he could find another wife but let's be honest; it's tougher to date after your 50's than it is/was in your 30's or 40's.

 

I'm not really an ageist. I believe there can be true love with romance and respect between two people who have a severe age gap. But that does make the relationship the best they can have? I'm to believe that in reflection upon my younger years I've wasted my time with him. I've two beautiful children so I wouldn't want to think to do it over - differently because I wouldn't want to miss them. But I sometimes wish I had never met him and just lived my beautiful young life.

[Aful]

i literally forgot all about this until now i just finished mid terms I'm just reading all this now like DAAAAAMMNNN DANIEL !!!

Interesting to se what the OP has to say about this (although it's looking doubtful she'll post again here) as her initial post is offering advice based on the fact that she knows how unsupportive people can be, which is pretty evidently demonstrated here.

 

As for the physical thing mentioned above - this can easily happen between same-age couples where one becomes infirmed/disabled etc. - in fact I know two couples that I can think of in their forties where this is the case.

 

My Grandmother died when she was 65, leaving my Grandfather who was 70 alone for the rest of his life, until he was 83.

 

It's what happens.

[Aful]

...."Lucia I don't know where you get this notion that the brain isn't developed before 25" because science/ research

Lucia I don't know where you get this notion that the brain isn't developed before 25, there was little difference between me being 22,23,24 and 25. I have noticed you keep on churning this line out and provide no scientific evidence to validate your point. This said I wouldn't advise any get into a relationship with a 24 year age gap, but each to their own.

[Aful]

well i mean its not the best of situations but you gotta do what you gotta do. and my moms 38 ( she had me young ) and i think my dads 41.. i don't talk to him ( yes on with the daddy issues ) but my step dad who I've known to be my father for 10 years is 36. and it's not really an issue for him because he doesn't interact with my family at all. they don't approve and all that jazz.

So you live on campus? As long as you and he are ok with this. How old are your parents compared to him...is that an issue for them?

[Lucia Amman]

I'm very sorry to hear your parents don't approve of your relationship. I was very happy that, after the initial shock of my mom, she turned and said she didn't want to lose me over 'this'. She was very accepting after that and never made a comment about my relationship.

 

Besides what everyone thinks about age gap relationships I do believe that parents should support their children. They can tell them if they agree or not with some of their choices but they can never let it determine their relationship with them. Unless you know, you murder someone or do something else totally illegal. I hope your parents will come to their minds and accept your relationship one day.

[Aful]

well they know about it and now so its what ever but yeah it gets hard cause I had to move away to be with my boyfriend cause we lived 4 hours away fom each other so

I'm very sorry to hear your parents don't approve of your relationship. I was very happy that, after the initial shock of my mom, she turned and said she didn't want to lose me over 'this'. She was very accepting after that and never made a comment about my relationship.

 

Besides what everyone thinks about age gap relationships I do believe that parents should support their children. They can tell them if they agree or not with some of their choices but they can never let it determine their relationship with them. Unless you know, you murder someone or do something else totally illegal. I hope your parents will come to their minds and accept your relationship one day.