Ex with someone else... dying inside and don't know what to do

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey all,

 

I'm in a particularly heartbreaking situation. I thought I could share as to get advice on how to proceed. I feel like I know what is right, but need people to reaffirm or negate this view.

 

So, dated a lovely girl for around 8 months. I've had several long-term, up to 3 year relationships, in the past that have been difficult to get over, but this one is insanely difficult and has me in a down-ward, depressive cycle that seemingly will never end. We truly shared most to all activities together, had the same sense of humor, same values and religious beliefs (none), and similar charitable aspirations. A truly adult love experience. Like, man, I know this is not the focal point of this post, but please let me stress how compatible she and I were/are. Same exact humor. Adventures galore. Pushing each other to success. Beautiful, sweet, smart, witty, and charismatic. Everything I could ever want in a significant other. (I'm generally a non-monogamous person, but she was changing my feeling on that for quite some time).

 

It started to go downhill when our communication broke down. At first, suggestions to make our relationship better were definitely accepted by both parties. Then, one night, I made a suggestion that I would like to see from her "to make our rewarding relationship even better" -- it was to have her sometimes approach me when I'm feeling down in a more tough-love, get-up kind of way as she had done before. This was not well-received. She started bawling and claimed I thought she was fake or in-genuine. It shattered my heart to realize that I just made a strong woman that never cries, cry. I reassured her that I didn't think that, and we ended the call on good terms, but I remember feeling so flabbergasted that the situation happened and so disappointed in myself to have made such a strong, never-crying woman that upset. I still don't understand why that was received that way, but the important thing is that our communication broke down after that, because I didn't then feel like I could communicate with her, and that is very important for me in relationships.

 

Additionally, I was going through severe anxiety and depression at the time, and was impending a return to our university, where I thought we would have no time, seeing as my aspirations for my university goals were huge. The perceived imbalance of love in our relationship (she thought she loved me more) was another issue. I definitely loved her in a more mature way, as I valued laughter, growth, admiration, compassion, and etc. more than passion in our relationship (although I was able to be passionate a good portion of the time, she was definitely more passionate). But this imbalance of love caused she and I to enter into a push-pull interaction (i.e. she pulled, I pushed away) until it all became too much. When I was struggling with the idea of wanting to break up with her or not, I was talking to my mom once and said I really, really did not want to interact with my ex at the time. I even used the word "dreaded," to which my mom said that I shouldn't be in a relationship when I began to dread interacting or hanging out with the person.

 

So I broke it off. I met with her in person, and tried to be as honest and genuine (and polite!) as possible. We were both sad and went our separate ways with NC being a clear expectation. We agreed we would meet to catch up a month or two down the line. I was sad, but relieved. I remember feeling it was the right decision, even if just for now.

 

Fast-forward a month and a half, and I was doing alright. I kept my distance from her and her friends, but had a couple of FWB situations within that time. We still hadn't met up yet -- it didn't feel like the time, and neither of us reached out to each other. Then, disaster struck. I found out from my mutual friends that she had been hooking up with a close friend and professional colleague of mine -- the f*** was bragging about it to our friend group and organization. To put it into perspective, he was the Pres or our organization, and I was the V.P. We had also talked about running for Pres/V.P. of our university, and had conversations on a very regular basis. I immediately quit the club. I felt so betrayed--from him as my close friend and professional colleague, and from her because she knew that exes sleeping with close friends was a very big vulnerability of mine. And she exploited it. Whether out of emotion or vindication, she betrayed my trust. I was so, so heartbroken and upset. I couldn't believe that she, someone I had trusted for so long, would do that to me. I didn't actively seek out her friends or organization on a campus filled with 21,000+ students from whom to choose.

 

We had a follow-up conversation that didn't end well. I regained power at the end of the conversation, and she told me eventually that "sorry she was the one to f*** up this time" but not super sincere or legitimizing my issues with the situation, because she actively went out of her way to make me feel like I was wrong instead of apologizing. I met this with silence.

 

This is when "doing well" went on a downward, depressing cycle. I was so angry at the world for sometime. Although the anger subsided, the general sadness and dry, sullen depression towards the situation did not. I tried to focus on myself.

 

I got a job, I did well in classes, I went on dates and had more FWBs that either fizzled out nicely or were maintained, and I even ran a marathon in a fantastic, sub-3 hour time. But I was still down.

 

Then, I contacted her out of the blue to let her know how sorry I was that everything had happened the way it did. I told her she was a beautiful person and did not deserve pain; even if it was an honest break-up, she didn't deserve pain. She joked around meanly, I called it out, and then we argued a little, but it ended with her apologizing for everything and thanking me for my apology. Then, we had a nice, funny follow-up conversation. I think we were looking for leadership from the other person to pursue something further, as we both showed a little interest, but nothing happened. It didn't help that I saw her in a group that included the Pres of that organization at our fitness center; that turned me off quite a bit despite our conversation.

 

We didn't talk for some time. In that time I held true to my goals and worked so hard in a campaign that took most of my time to become our university's student body president -- a huge goal of mine since even before the break-up. I scored a nice, paid internship at our county government. I became engrossed in my career, friends, and job, and it provided me with much fulfillment. I started new hobbies like boxing and ballroom dancing. However, I was still thinking about her and about how perfect we really were together, and then I saw her flirting with this guy on social media. I became very upset and for a few days the pain was unbearable. I decided to reach out to her again via letter. So I wrote this honest, non-soppy, respectable letter about what was in my head during all stages of the break-up, how I had grown, my favorite parts of the relationship, and that (basically) I was open to reconciliation, but no pressure. I asked her before sending if it was okay that I send the letter, and she was willing to receive and read it. So she read it and then stated that she read it and planned on reading it more and more, and needed time to process it (she usually admits that she needs time to process things, from political conversations to emotional things, etc., and she said this in a friendly way). I was happy with this response.

 

Then, a week later, I saw a social media post of her and her new boyfriend (that guy on her social media), and was so extremely disappointed and sad. Additionally, I was humiliated because I didn't know they were together (I'm not sure if they were together when I sent it). So I sent her something via text that "I've realized you are dating someone else. I apologize if I sent the letter while you two were together -- I wouldn't want to interfere with your relationship. I am contacting you to let you know that I will be blocking you on all relevant forms of social media, as I really do not want to see pictures of you two together (nothing personal)! Best of luck to you in your future endeavors.

 

She responded "Okay, whatever you need to do." Cold. Ouch. Even though I blocked her on everything, sometimes I still catch glimpses through mutual friends (some are mutual with me and the other guy, who I do know but he's not a close friend sort of thing) and every now and then I have weak points where I lapse and check. And they're doing awesome. He's cute, funny, and athletic (he and I wqere on the track team together freshmen year). I can't help but notice how satisfied she seems to be with him.. it's been a month or so now for them and there are no signs of slowing down. Even though it's been 9 months since our break-up, I can't shake her from my head. I can't find anyone as good as her. Believe me, I've tried. There's no one I can find, and I know so many people. The way we got together was so natural and awesome, and now it's gone.

 

I love her, and she's falling in love with someone else. I want to be with her, but she's with someone else. And it hurts so, so bad. The love, quite possibly of my life, gone. I'm an attractive, confident, successful guy, and her and my relationship was fantastic, but this guy may be better. My confident, attractive self-image feels like it's depleting and that I'm SOL when it comes to women, even despite success in other areas. This ambiguity and helplessness kills me. It won't leave me alone. I'm trying to move on but can't.

 

Any advice, insights, or suggestions are welcomed and encouraged. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm slowly dying everyday, and my career success only helps so much. I don't know how to proceed. Please help.

[Leo1987]

Man I understand your pain, ONLY time will heal you...be patient with you and your pain. Eventually the pain will disappear andyou will find someone else.

 

Hold on man.

[gypsybird87]

I understand the pain of wanting someone you can't have, and I'm sorry you're going through that. But I don't get any of the logic here. You dumped her, and immediately got with several sex partners during the following month and a half. When you guys communicated again, you really expected her to apologize for moving on and also getting with someone else, because the person she chose to do so with made you uncomfortable?? I think that was the moment you might have had a chance at recovering things, but instead you came off as selfish and all about your own pain.

 

You dumped her, and she owes you nothing. Period. Zip. Now you've realized how wonderful she is? I'm guessing she's the same woman now that she was when you were with her. But for whatever reason you didn't see that or appreciate it. Now someone else has noticed how awesome she is, and your loss is his gain.

 

You need to make peace with this, and let her go. No more letters etc. She deserves to enjoy her new relationship.

[Pleasedonot5]

I understand the pain of wanting someone you can't have, and I'm sorry you're going through that. But I don't get any of the logic here. You dumped her, and immediately got with several sex partners during the following month and a half. When you guys communicated again, you really expected her to apologize for moving on and also getting with someone else, because the person she chose to do so with made you uncomfortable?? I think that was the moment you might have had a chance at recovering things, but instead you came off as selfish and all about your own pain.

 

You dumped her, and she owes you nothing. Period. Zip. Now you've realized how wonderful she is? I'm guessing she's the same woman now that she was when you were with her. But for whatever reason you didn't see that or appreciate it. Now someone else has noticed how awesome she is, and your loss is his gain.

 

You need to make peace with this, and let her go. No more letters etc. She deserves to enjoy her new relationship.

 

I don't know where you grew up to talk like this to someone who is grieving, but this is not the way. No, there is a clear difference between sleeping with people (she, as a person who was single, could do this), and sleeping with a close friend and professional associate (a clear boundary cross). I am thankful you have not gone through a similar situation, because I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

 

Additionally, I didn't want to bore anyone from detail, but perhaps I didn't go into as much detail as I should have to clarify the situation. I suffer from some pretty severe anxiety, and she was constantly clinging to me. Our relationship was in a decline because we couldn't communicate anymore. I never said she wasn't awesome. She was and always has been awesome. That doesn't mean that I can't break up with her for valid reasons, and still want her later? That doesn't make me hypocritical or wrong at all. Unfortunately, we couldn't work through our issues, and I'm grieving that because I always knew it was a kick ass relationship.

 

I agree I should leave her alone, and definitely have been since learning about her new relationship. But your words are full of malice, and make me feel worse, even though I feel they are inaccurate.

[irnbru16]

I can totally understand your pain. I have been in this situation before, its like dying inside. Easiest way to get over or keep yourself away from this feeling is just join Gym. That will keep you real busy. Just stay there, also that frustrating feeling will pump you to work harder, ultimately working in favor of your body.

[leseine7]

Pleasedont, you say this : "Like, man, I know this is not the focal point of this post, but please let me stress how compatible she and I were/are"... but then you go on to describe how she was clinging, there was push/pull between you two, your anxiety made it impossible, and how it's been several months (9, I believe you said) since the breakup and she has clearly moved on and how the conversations between you two since the break up have been, to my eye, mainly uncomfortable and negative.

 

The mistake people ALWAYS seem to make is highlighting the start of their relationship with someone - when everything is new, exciting, hormone-driven and everyone's on their best behavior - as the reason they're certain the other person is right for them. I judge the health of a relationship by how it is doing after 6 months. After you've been through some tough stuff, had real fights, seen ALL sides of the person. My favorite quote to live by (given to me by a grandparent years and years ago) is "it takes four seasons to know who you're really dating." It's always been true. Someone who seemed 'perfect for me' in fall was an enormous heartbreak by spring, and that is what I focused on for recovery.

 

You are looking back at the good times because you can't accept that you two, in the big picture, are NOT compatible. The fact that she has moved on first is a blow on many levels, including an ego one, and I find that it's always tempting to want someone back when we see that they're desired by others. It is biological... but it is not LOGICAL.

 

You made the healthy decision in breaking things off. Your anxiety is not to blame for the problems you two had. You got very angry at gypsybird's response to you (but I'll warn you that on this forum, you will be given tough love, and while you are grieving - if you're too overly sensitive to be able to have an open mind to some of the viewpoints here, it's going to be a tough go for you. EVERYONE is grieving a relationship here. And I read nothing in gypsy's response that was insulting to you, merely a harsh point that needed to be made), and I have to say that I agree with what was said there. As horrible as it is, it's frankly no longer your business who she is with or when they started dating. You asked her back out, basically, because you wanted to give it another shot - but she by no means owed you the transparency about her dating life once you broke up with her.

 

I would be pretty ticked off if my ex of 9 months told me he was blocking me so he 'wouldn't have to see pics of me and my new boyfriend.' It wasn't necessary to say that, and sounds like you were guilting her for moving on. This is true: you BOTH were sleeping with others (which has the side effect of occasionally turning into relationships...), and she wasn't 'exploiting' an old pet peeve of yours by dating someone you knew and worked with - she just didn't OWE you the loyalty of not dating whoever she wants once you ended things, and her dating him had nothing to do with you at all.

 

Once you stop contacting her, stop watching her social media all the time (which it sounds like you will do by blocking her, which is wise), I think your focus will shift back on you and your healing, which is very necessary for you now. Take the time you need to take to get healthy. Accept that this just wasn't the woman for you and that she's moved on. And one day, you will too, and it will be with the right person.

 

Good luck to you, light and love.

[Itchy]

I like the way you describe how perfect this woman was and how perfect your relationship was only to read it wasn't perfect and neither was she or you. Perhaps the major issue here was that two people were in a relationship with each other that are simply incompatible with each other and the negotiations seemed to be on your terms in regards to doing things to improve and enhance the relationship. I read nothing to suggest that this woman had any input into the relationship (unless you have omitted this).

 

As for her sleeping with one of your friends, so much for respect, so much for friendship huh? I used to put a massive emphasis on friendship but a lot of friends of mine over the years have proven to be anything but a friend. Guy's like this are a dime a dozen, he's probably a subscriber to the whole "bro's before hoe's" mantra as well huh? This is moment where you should have walked away permanently, but you didn't and can learn a valuable here.

 

As for you loving her? I don't think you do, this is a case of wanting someone you can no longer have. I'd say your ego has taken a bit of battering and your entire focus is ego-driven.

 

The only thing that will heal this wound is time. The passage of time will heal all wounds eventually, you just have to be kind to yourself. You need let all of the pent up emotions out, once they're out, you can start to close this chapter of your life out. There will be another woman that comes along and grabs you the same way this woman has, every woman be they your girlfriend or your wife is replaceable with someone else.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to be doing great on your own with all the successful new activities on so many areas including several fwbs. So there's no need to look back at this anymore. Unfortunately those "letter to my ex" things often do backfire like this.

 

You've done all the right things to move on so just carry on as you already have been

I wrote this honest, non-soppy, respectable letter about what was in my head during all stages of the break-up. I saw a social media post of her and her new boyfriend. "Okay, whatever you need to do."

[Pleasedonot5]

I like the way you describe how perfect this woman was and how perfect your relationship was only to read it wasn't perfect and neither was she or you. Perhaps the major issue here was that two people were in a relationship with each other that are simply incompatible with each other and the negotiations seemed to be on your terms in regards to doing things to improve and enhance the relationship. I read nothing to suggest that this woman had any input into the relationship (unless you have omitted this).

 

As for her sleeping with one of your friends, so much for respect, so much for friendship huh? I used to put a massive emphasis on friendship but a lot of friends of mine over the years have proven to be anything but a friend. Guy's like this are a dime a dozen, he's probably a subscriber to the whole "bro's before hoe's" mantra as well huh? This is moment where you should have walked away permanently, but you didn't and can learn a valuable here.

 

As for you loving her? I don't think you do, this is a case of wanting someone you can no longer have. I'd say your ego has taken a bit of battering and your entire focus is ego-driven.

 

The only thing that will heal this wound is time. The passage of time will heal all wounds eventually, you just have to be kind to yourself. You need let all of the pent up emotions out, once they're out, you can start to close this chapter of your life out. There will be another woman that comes along and grabs you the same way this woman has, every woman be they your girlfriend or your wife is replaceable with someone else.

 

Itchy,

 

Thanks for replying! I must have omitted that part. I definitely made sure to regularly ask for suggestions, feedback, and input from her regarding our relationship. If she said anything, I would actively work on it (whether it be different dates, eye contact, etc.). Communication is a two-way street.

 

Some guy friends suck like that. Glad you see where I'm coming from with that one. I should have walked away permanently here, as this is a deal-breaker for me. I did for a while. But, I started to see that she could have just been innocently naive in the situation and the ex-close friend made her think he and I weren't close at all. But right now, I feel like there is a large possibility it could have been lashing out and vindication, which, again, is a deal-breaker.

 

And I hope you're right and I don't love her, and it's just my ego. I'm a smart guy, but not an expert when it comes to my own emotions. If it's my ego, hopefully I get over it soon.

I bet it's a bit of both, though. How do you think I should get my emotions out healthily?

[Pleasedonot5]

Pleasedont, you say this : "Like, man, I know this is not the focal point of this post, but please let me stress how compatible she and I were/are"... but then you go on to describe how she was clinging, there was push/pull between you two, your anxiety made it impossible, and how it's been several months (9, I believe you said) since the breakup and she has clearly moved on and how the conversations between you two since the break up have been, to my eye, mainly uncomfortable and negative.

 

The mistake people ALWAYS seem to make is highlighting the start of their relationship with someone - when everything is new, exciting, hormone-driven and everyone's on their best behavior - as the reason they're certain the other person is right for them. I judge the health of a relationship by how it is doing after 6 months. After you've been through some tough stuff, had real fights, seen ALL sides of the person. My favorite quote to live by (given to me by a grandparent years and years ago) is "it takes four seasons to know who you're really dating." It's always been true. Someone who seemed 'perfect for me' in fall was an enormous heartbreak by spring, and that is what I focused on for recovery.

 

You are looking back at the good times because you can't accept that you two, in the big picture, are NOT compatible. The fact that she has moved on first is a blow on many levels, including an ego one, and I find that it's always tempting to want someone back when we see that they're desired by others. It is biological... but it is not LOGICAL.

 

You made the healthy decision in breaking things off. Your anxiety is not to blame for the problems you two had. You got very angry at gypsybird's response to you (but I'll warn you that on this forum, you will be given tough love, and while you are grieving - if you're too overly sensitive to be able to have an open mind to some of the viewpoints here, it's going to be a tough go for you. EVERYONE is grieving a relationship here. And I read nothing in gypsy's response that was insulting to you, merely a harsh point that needed to be made), and I have to say that I agree with what was said there. As horrible as it is, it's frankly no longer your business who she is with or when they started dating. You asked her back out, basically, because you wanted to give it another shot - but she by no means owed you the transparency about her dating life once you broke up with her.

 

I would be pretty ticked off if my ex of 9 months told me he was blocking me so he 'wouldn't have to see pics of me and my new boyfriend.' It wasn't necessary to say that, and sounds like you were guilting her for moving on. This is true: you BOTH were sleeping with others (which has the side effect of occasionally turning into relationships...), and she wasn't 'exploiting' an old pet peeve of yours by dating someone you knew and worked with - she just didn't OWE you the loyalty of not dating whoever she wants once you ended things, and her dating him had nothing to do with you at all.

 

Once you stop contacting her, stop watching her social media all the time (which it sounds like you will do by blocking her, which is wise), I think your focus will shift back on you and your healing, which is very necessary for you now. Take the time you need to take to get healthy. Accept that this just wasn't the woman for you and that she's moved on. And one day, you will too, and it will be with the right person.

 

Good luck to you, light and love.

 

leseine7,

 

 

Thank you for your reply. Although I disagree with you on some points, I do feel like you said it in a more helpful manner. That said, clearly I'm an emotional mess right now, so I hope gypsy was not offended in response to my reply.

 

Your words are very knowledgeable regarding the 6 months rule. That made me do a lot of reflection and -- you're right -- things did start to go downhill after that 6 month mark. Your grandparent is very wise. And to add, seeing her moving on, and then later with someone else did trigger this grieving cycle again. It makes me feel easily replaceable, where I hopelessly cannot find anyone to replace her to be even half as good.

 

Thank you for telling me that my anxiety wasn't the reason, and for validating my reasons for breaking up. I really try to be a good guy! In breaking up with her, I thought I had honest reasons that did not make me evil or a terrible person. As stated, I didn't feel gypsy's comments were accurate, because they were construed in such a way that made me look the evil fool, but I am a bit sensitive right now, and so the feedback did sting a bit. You mention that it is not my business who she sleeps with and who she dates, and in most cases I would be compelled to agree. But consider this: would it be acceptable for her to make conscious efforts to sleep with my brother? No, it wouldn't. It would be a clear breach of respect that someone should have for any human being. In this way, I argue that her sleeping with a close friend and a professional associate is disrespectful in its own regard. Can she do it? Yes. Is it clearly, unequivocally wrong for her to do so? Absolutely, imo. I would never disrespect someone like that -- I have made a point to stay away from ALL of my exes' inner circles, and to maintain respect for my inner circle by staying away from their exes. This isn't to negate your point which is entirely valid, but we have a fundamental disagreement here: I believe that exes should respect their exes like they would any other person, and I feel you use the "not owing anything" phrase to excuse any type of cruel or disrespectful behavior. She could literally have slept with anyone, and it would not have been disrespectful. I don't feel disrespected by her dating this new guy who I only somewhat know. But there's a clear boundary cross here. I don't know. Agree to disagree. But if you've ever been in a situation like this (as I have on five different occasions -- maybe I date vindictive people?), I feel you would agree with me.

 

In the context of the social media message -- I had just sent her the letter a week ago, and was awaiting a response from her. I said that to make it clear I didn't want a response (because I didn't), and that I wasn't blocking her out of spite, but for reasons of not wanting to see them together, because that would hurt me. Yeah, I knew that she would be pissed, and I expected a cold (or no) reply, but it was done for my own benefit. Yes, I slipped up recently and looked, but I will reblock her as soon as Facebook lets me.

 

I don't know if I'll ever find anyone again, but logically I know that I said this last time, too. Here's to hoping that we end up happy. I'm open to any suggestions of how to better heal.

 

Thank you so much again for replying. I really, truly appreciate it.

 

Sincerely,

PDN5

[gypsybird87]

My point was that once you end a relationship with someone (a one sided ending, not a mutual one), it is no longer fair or realistic to expect that person to conform to your personal idea of boundaries, what is or is not disrespectful etc. Certainly not to the point of actually expecting her to apologize or "legitimize your issues." That is what is meant by she doesn't "owe you anything."

 

Clearly your ideas of what is appropriate post-breakup behavior and hers do not align. Nothing says they have to. But just because it was hurtful to you doesn't mean she did it vindictively. Maybe you can view this difference in behavior as a small validation that you two were ultimately not a perfect match.

 

You said this: "I was so, so heartbroken and upset. I couldn't believe that she, someone I had trusted for so long, would do that to me." ... not about the break up or the loss of her but about the fact that she slept with someone you felt was off limits. I can only imagine she felt similarly, but about your choice to end the relationship.

 

As I stated at the very beginning of my original reply, I am sorry that you are in pain. Where there has been real love, there is real pain when it ends, and on both sides. I firmly believe that. As leseine stated, everyone here is grieving a relationship, and that includes me. My response to you was probably colored by that, but I did not intend it to be malicious. Please just don't lose sight of her pain because of your own. This breakup was your decision not hers, and I'm sure she coped with it the best she could. As we all must.

[leseine7]

leseine7,

 

 

Thank you for your reply. Although I disagree with you on some points, I do feel like you said it in a more helpful manner. That said, clearly I'm an emotional mess right now, so I hope gypsy was not offended in response to my reply.

 

Your words are very knowledgeable regarding the 6 months rule. That made me do a lot of reflection and -- you're right -- things did start to go downhill after that 6 month mark. Your grandparent is very wise. And to add, seeing her moving on, and then later with someone else did trigger this grieving cycle again. It makes me feel easily replaceable, where I hopelessly cannot find anyone to replace her to be even half as good.

 

Thank you for telling me that my anxiety wasn't the reason, and for validating my reasons for breaking up. I really try to be a good guy! In breaking up with her, I thought I had honest reasons that did not make me evil or a terrible person. As stated, I didn't feel gypsy's comments were accurate, because they were construed in such a way that made me look the evil fool, but I am a bit sensitive right now, and so the feedback did sting a bit. You mention that it is not my business who she sleeps with and who she dates, and in most cases I would be compelled to agree. But consider this: would it be acceptable for her to make conscious efforts to sleep with my brother? No, it wouldn't. It would be a clear breach of respect that someone should have for any human being. In this way, I argue that her sleeping with a close friend and a professional associate is disrespectful in its own regard. Can she do it? Yes. Is it clearly, unequivocally wrong for her to do so? Absolutely, imo. I would never disrespect someone like that -- I have made a point to stay away from ALL of my exes' inner circles, and to maintain respect for my inner circle by staying away from their exes. This isn't to negate your point which is entirely valid, but we have a fundamental disagreement here: I believe that exes should respect their exes like they would any other person, and I feel you use the "not owing anything" phrase to excuse any type of cruel or disrespectful behavior. She could literally have slept with anyone, and it would not have been disrespectful. I don't feel disrespected by her dating this new guy who I only somewhat know. But there's a clear boundary cross here. I don't know. Agree to disagree. But if you've ever been in a situation like this (as I have on five different occasions -- maybe I date vindictive people?), I feel you would agree with me.

 

In the context of the social media message -- I had just sent her the letter a week ago, and was awaiting a response from her. I said that to make it clear I didn't want a response (because I didn't), and that I wasn't blocking her out of spite, but for reasons of not wanting to see them together, because that would hurt me. Yeah, I knew that she would be pissed, and I expected a cold (or no) reply, but it was done for my own benefit. Yes, I slipped up recently and looked, but I will reblock her as soon as Facebook lets me.

 

I don't know if I'll ever find anyone again, but logically I know that I said this last time, too. Here's to hoping that we end up happy. I'm open to any suggestions of how to better heal.

 

Thank you so much again for replying. I really, truly appreciate it.

 

Sincerely,

PDN5

 

PDN5, this is a great reply and I want to commend you on how articulate you are. It is so refreshing amidst the sea of so many confusing, jumbled posts on this site!!

 

Yes, of course if my ex was dating someone I was as close to as a sister or coworker I saw every day, etc (as you describe), I would be extremely hurt. None of what I said was meant to invalidate your feelings, but to empower you in the end. There's something liberating about saying to myself "At this point if that ex is with someone new no matter who it is, he's not with them because of me or to get back at me, and it doesn't have to impact me anymore." But I struggle much more with the decision to END a relationship, than letting go once it's over.

 

And the bottom line is that you can't call her actions vindictive towards you, because I DO still think it's important not to think of it as "She is dating this person close to me because she wants to hurt me/ because she's vindictive/ because she is a villain...." You have to acknowledge that as much as it TRULY sucks,she probably would not date anyone she didn't have feelings for.

 

And even MORE important, it's highly unlikely that she's any better to anyone else she dates - and you have only highlighted many MANY reasons why you are and will be better off without her. That's the biggest thing to focus on here. You've done nothing wrong - you absolutely are NOT the devil for ending things. And your interactions with her, to me, sound well-meaning towards her. I say what I did about social media, contacting her, only for YOUR benefit. Having any further attempts at reconciling, trying to get closure, tying up loose ends, or just plain curiosity about her is really only going to hurt you and keep holding you back.

 

So find ways to live your life without worrying about what she is doing or why. You're making great strides in improving all areas of your life. and YES YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE AGAIN. Give it time.

[Itchy]

[. How do you think I should get my emotions out healthily?

 

Just let it all out man, if you need to cry, then cry, if you need to punch something, go down to a gym and take your anger out on a punch bag or some weights. I find exercise helps me overcome disappointment, even a stroll helps me to calm down and collect my thoughts.