Boyfriend is getting cold feet about buying a place together?

[wai]

I recently purchased a one bed room apartment for myself to live.

 

My boyfriend is a doctor and he graduated about a year a half ago and started working. He already paid off his loans in full. He still lives with his mom and sis while he's saving up for downpayment.

 

Im also looking to buy a investment property in about a year and half. Ive suggested that we buy a house together and he can take one floor, and we will rent the rest.

 

We agreed upon opening a joint saving together and start saving up for downpayment on our anniversary which is in less than two months. We have been talking about it for a while now. And i recently found out he's getting cold feet about it. I told him i can put about 25g and he can do the same or more since he has more money than me. We will also set a direct deposit monthly for a certain amount.

 

He said he wants to do that but doesnt want to put a fix amount monthly. He said he still wants to buy a house with me but just doesnt want to do it like depositing a fix amount of money monthly.

 

About 6 months ago, he told me his parents purchased the house they are living now with his aunt together5 years ago. They are trying to buy it back from them and he said he might need to help his mom and sis financially because his sister basically paid most of their living expense while he was in college, he feels that he owe that to her.

 

Anyways, my question is what should i do if he is getting cold feet. He isn't saying he doesn't want to buy it, but he said he doesn't feel comfortable depositing a large amount of money in the joint account. I don't know if I'm being very demanding. We've only been dating for a year but i feel that we are a good match in every way. He feels the same too. My problem with him is that he would not tell me straight if he doesn't want to do something. He just simply give excuses as to why he feels that way. When he said he wants to buy a place with me but he doesnt feel comfortable deposit large amount of money, does he really mean it or he just said it cuz he doesnt want to buy a place together

[Jibralta]

I think that it's his money to spend as he pleases.

 

Are you concerned that his cold feet about joint investment translates into cold feet about the relationship?

[wai]

I think that it's his money to spend as he pleases.

 

Are you concerned that his cold feet about joint investment translates into cold feet about the relationship?

 

Good question! After we had that talk last time and sort of fought a little bit. I feel like he's being a bit distanced. But then again, everytime we go out, a lot of ppl say that we look happh together. And it hasnt changed. So not sure if im being paranoid or not.

[Wiseman2]

Before you are engaged or married this makes no sense. However he should be able to say that to you directly rather than not make waves and make up other reasons.

he said he doesn't feel comfortable depositing a large amount of money in the joint account.

[Jibralta]

Well, your instincts may be correct. But what are you going to do about it? You can't bug him about it because that will probably drive him away for sure. You should probably be patient, and watch and see. One thing you probably should hold off on is investing with him if there's a chance he will flake.

[Fudgie]

Why do you want to invest in a house with him when you are not engaged/married?

[wai]

Before you are engaged or married this makes no sense. However he should be able to say that to you directly rather than not make waves and make up other reasons.

 

Right! May be im rushing into this i dont know. He was the one who suggested we open a joint saving but that was like long time ago. I didnt say anything that time because i also felt that it was way too soon.

 

Yes i sometime feels like he does things for me as if they are chores. I rather he say he cant do something than making up excuses. It makes me feel like crap

[boltnrun]

Only been dating a year?

 

And whether or not "ppl" think you two look happy together really doesn't have any bearing on the relationship or whether or not it's a good idea to buy property with someone who is acting reluctant.

 

Money is a surefire way to kill a relationship. I'd hold off until you're both more secure in the relationship.

[wai]

Well, your instincts may be correct. But what are you going to do about it? You can't bug him about it because that will probably drive him away for sure. You should probably be patient, and watch and see. One thing you probably should hold off on is investing with him if there's a chance he will flake.

 

He told me when we fought, he feels thst i will drop him in a heart beat if anything. It was the reason why he is hessitant to this whole idea of buying a place together

[wai]

Only been dating a year?

 

And whether or not "ppl" think you two look happy together really doesn't have any bearing on the relationship or whether or not it's a good idea to buy property with someone who is acting reluctant.

 

Money is a surefire way to kill a relationship. I'd hold off until you're both more secure in the relationship.

 

Im not saying we will buy it right now. I'd like to set goals in my life. This is my another goal. We will start building up saving then buy it in a year or two. Houses in new york are expensive, so its going to take a while to save up 25% downpayment and closing cost.

[Hollyj]

Before you are engaged or married this makes no sense. However he should be able to say that to you directly rather than not make waves and make up other reasons.

 

I agree! And, I sure as hell would not have a joint bank account!!!

[wai]

Why do you want to invest in a house with him when you are not engaged/married?

 

 

Its because houses are expensive in New York. I already bought a place and i cant afford to buy a house on my own after this. He also likes very nice houses and i just thought we would be able to purchase a good one if both of our finances are combined

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems you have your personal investment goals and joint relationship goals confused. You are not engaged or living together or talking about marriage. Right now you're talking at him like a business partner. The oddest part is that you recently purchased a 1 br for yourself, but he doesn't even want to live there with you.

I'd like to set goals in my life. This is my another goal.

[sophie274]

Why not each save individually, and if and when you are ready for a firm commitment (engagement or marriage), discuss merging your savings and investing jointly thn? It sounds like he is not comfortable with the joint savings account and I think it's fairly easy to understand his reluctance. It sounds like he wants to keep more autonomy over his finances for you.

 

Not that it's really relevant - but he just graduated from med school a year ago and paid off all his loans? He must have hardly had any loans, since a first year of residency doesn't pay more than about 60,000 (and that's in high cost of living areas). Just wondering if you really have a full picture of his finances. (Of course, good for him if he just paid cash for med school or if his parents gave him the money).

[wai]

Unfortunately it seems you have your personal investment goals and joint relationship goals confused. You are not engaged or living together or talking about marriage. Right now you're talking at him like a business partner. The oddest part is that you recently purchased a 1 br for yourself, but he doesn't even want to live there with you.

 

I dont belive in living together before marriage. He never bought up about living together also. So that is fine. I purchased a place for myself because i hate paying rent. I rent a one bedroom apartment also.

[wai]

Why not each save individually, and if and when you are ready for a firm commitment (engagement or marriage), discuss merging your savings and investing jointly thn? It sounds like he is not comfortable with the joint savings account and I think it's fairly easy to understand his reluctance. It sounds like he wants to keep more autonomy over his finances for you.

 

Not that it's really relevant - but he just graduated from med school a year ago and paid off all his loans? He must have hardly had any loans, since a first year of residency doesn't pay more than about 60,000 (and that's in high cost of living areas). Just wondering if you really have a full picture of his finances. (Of course, good for him if he just paid cash for med school or if his parents gave him the money).

 

What does the word automacy mean? I looked it up and i still dont get it in this context. Haha.

 

He got full scholarship for his bachealor degree. And for medschool, he took loan which is anout 200k and he already paid it off with the money he got from residency and from his actual job he got after

[Fudgie]

I dont belive in living together before marriage. He never bought up about living together also. So that is fine. I purchased a place for myself because i hate paying rent. I rent a one bedroom apartment also.

 

You don't believe in living together before marriage but you're okay with you two buying a house before marriage? I'm so confused.

 

I get that houses are expensive and yeah, paying rent sucks but I don't see how you're going to get him into a business arrangement when you two aren't even engaged, you're not living together already, etc.

 

You two need to communicate better and hash things out.

[wai]

You don't believe in living together before marriage but you're okay with you two buying a house before marriage? I'm so confused.

 

I get that houses are expensive and yeah, paying rent sucks but I don't see how you're going to get him into a business arrangement when you two aren't even engaged, you're not living together already, etc.

 

You two need to communicate better and hash things out.

 

No i dont belive in living together. You gonna have to marry the same person eventually. I rather enjoy living alone while im not married.

 

Investing money in a property is different. Im treating this as business transaction. No attachment nothing. He's like my business partner that will invest in this property.

[sophie274]

Are you sure he really paid off 200,000 dollars in loans in 3-4 years of residency at around 60,000 per year, and just one year of full-time employment? Sorry to keep harping on this, but it just seems quite unlikely (10 years is a typical repayment schedule for 200k of med school loans) - though it sounds like he paid zero living expenses with mom and sis? Anyway, just wondering if maybe his loans are not all paid off and that's another reason why he isn't ready to put so much money into a joint account.

 

What I meant by autonomy is that it sounds like for now he is more comfortable keeping your finances separate, which is understandable in a relatively short relationship where there is no firm commitment yet (as in, an engagement or marriage). It sounds like you're really pushing these investments because that's what is financially advantageous for you, without taking into account that he might not feel emotionally ready to commit to joint savings or joint investment - and that he might be worried about what happens if the relationship goes south. Most people don't join finances until they are married (some not even then!) even if they are "losing money" by doing things separately until then.

[Wiseman2]

Autonomy means independence and control over his own money rather than you taking over and micromanaging money he hasn't even made yet and before you are even engaged, no less married.

 

To be honest you are jumping the gun with all this. He lives with his family, he is related to them, he is close to them, he is grateful to them. You are just dating him at this point.

What does the word automacy mean?

[sophie274]

I think the bottom line is that he doesn't want to be your business partner.

 

I wouldn't be business partners with a boyfriend either! I'd be business partners with someone where the relationship was purely business, and buy property with a spouse with whom I had a "till death do us part" commitment. But not mixing business with pleasure, as in your case, usually turns out to be quite sensible.

[Fudgie]

No i dont belive in living together. You gonna have to marry the same person eventually. I rather enjoy living alone while im not married.

 

Investing money in a property is different. Im treating this as business transaction. No attachment nothing. He's like my business partner that will invest in this property.

 

Fair enough. I understand where you're coming from.

 

See, the problem here is that he's not just a business partner. He's your boyfriend. He would be living in this place, right? And you'd be together, right? It's not really JUST a business transaction because he would not go into this with you if you were a total stranger. Also, you guys breaking up makes this awkward and undesirable for him. I'm not saying you will break up, I'm just saying that it's a risk on his part.

 

I think you are having conflicted feelings on this because you're worried about his cold feet and how he is distancing himself. You're living proof yourself that "strictly business" transactions don't work well with romantic partners - it leads to mixed feelings and confusion.

 

It sounds like he doesn't actually want to pony up the money and put it towards this. And that's fine, that's his choice. So what are you going to do?

[wai]

Why not each save individually, and if and when you are ready for a firm commitment (engagement or marriage), discuss merging your savings and investing jointly thn? It sounds like he is not comfortable with the joint savings account and I think it's fairly easy to understand his reluctance. It sounds like he wants to keep more autonomy over his finances for you.

 

Not that it's really relevant - but he just graduated from med school a year ago and paid off all his loans? He must have hardly had any loans, since a first year of residency doesn't pay more than about 60,000 (and that's in high cost of living areas). Just wondering if you really have a full picture of his finances. (Of course, good for him if he just paid cash for med school or if his parents gave him the money).

 

He said he still owes his sister for about 20k. But the government loan is already paid off. He doesnt pay rent and his mom cook, so his living expense is very low. And he is also a very low maintenance guy. He still drives a toyota his dad bought for him 10 years ago. So i think he already pay it off.

 

He has about 70k in his saving, even after he pay his sister 20k, he still has 50k. My point is his loan is paid off

[wai]

Autonomy means independence and control over his own money rather than you taking over and micromanaging money he hasn't even made yet and before you are even engaged, no less married.

 

To be honest you are jumping the gun with all this. He lives with his family, he is related to them, he is close to them, he is grateful to them. You are just dating him at this point.

 

Thanks for explainging that to me. Alright i see, i think im rushing this then. I will take it slow. I was just thinking about what would be best for both of us.

[Blue Ridge]

If I were in your shoes, my plan would be to just never mention it again. Try to enjoy what you have now, and spend quality time together. If it's something he wants to do, he'll bring it up. Joint accounts and moving in together are huge steps, and both people need to feel 100% on their decisions. If someone feels pressured to make such a commitment, they will sometimes focus on negative things in the relationship to justify their uncertainty. Not saying he will, but I know I have. Best wishes, and please keep us posted.