My Mother Just Severed What Remained of our Relationship

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

So I posted about my mother before, we don't really get along. I moved out of her place and moved into my dad's when I found out she was trying to get my boyfriend to lie to me about who she was bringing in the house. She seriously crossed a line at that point and I couldn't stand to be around her any longer. It's been almost 5 months since. I keep in minimal contact, go over for dinner every once in a while but that's all. I didn't contact her for Mother's Day, ever since I found out she had been cheating on my dad (probably about 8 years ago now), I've never wanted to give her anything for Mother's Day, but always did just to avoid drama and arguments. So I didn't contact her this year, I was busy all day anyway. This upset her a lot to say the least. Apparently she had plans with me, that she didn't tell me about? And just expected me to show up? Regardless, she texted me that night, asked how I was doing, I said I was doing fine and that was the end of the conversation.

 

My dad and her keep in contact, everything is through texts and he just told me some interesting stuff that my mother said. I read the texts so there's no question as to what's true or not. She said my boyfriend is a bad influence on me, said he's lazy, not very good looking, stupid and that I deserve better. I know she blames him for why I barely speak to her, though it's obviously it's entirely her fault, she crossed a line by meddling in my relationship, and now she continues to do it.

 

I'm trying to remain calm, but I'm absolutely infuriated. How f*cking dare she. I'm going to talk to my grandmom about this later, either tomorrow or Sunday, whenever I can talk about it calmly. I'm not quite sure why I'm posting on here, I don't really have any questions... If anyone has advice that'd be cool. I'm mostly just venting. It'd be cool if I could get some agreements on this issue, that I'm not the crazy one, my mom is the issue.

 

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

Please get counselling for yourself. You should not have to be a pawn or referee in your parents issues.

I moved out of her place and moved into my dad's

[Silverbirch]

Definitely get counselling please. Your family dynamic I'd very unhealthy.

[SooSad33]

Not sure your age but in the end whom you choose is your choice .

 

Sadly, your family has fallen apart.. this isnt' easy.. especially with how SHE is doing it.

 

I agree,, seek some prof help to help you all thru this (these) issue's.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

Not sure your age but in the end whom you choose is your choice .

 

Sadly, your family has fallen apart.. this isnt' easy.. especially with how SHE is doing it.

 

I agree,, seek some prof help to help you all thru this (these) issue's.

 

Therapy isn't something that's ever been beneficial for me. I've been to 4 different therapists in my life, each for different issues and it's just never worked out for me. I'm a college student, 21. My older brother has already cut off all communication with her, and it looks like I'll be doing the same.

 

My father and I have very good communication, he's very honest and open with me. He stays out of what's going on between my mother and I, though he has made his opinion on it clear. My mom kept telling him to tell me to talk to her, he told me everything that was going on and showed me the text messages. I took pictures of the texts on my phone for proof, cause I know once I talk to her about it she'll deny everything. I just can't believe she's so stupid. She claims she loves her children, yet her behavior is showing otherwise. She's being a childish brat, totally immature and I can't stand it.

[SooSad33]

Wow sounds like your mom is very negative & manipulative? My first Ex was like that.. those ppl are not easy to live with!

 

Good at least that your now with your dad!

 

Fine..look at her as stupid..as she is acting so. Then yes, back away & keep your distance as often as possible in order to move on with your Life.

 

I am sorry if this has affected your relationship with your Bf.

 

SHE is the one with issue's.. doesnt make things too easy.

[catfeeder]

Therapy isn't something that's ever been beneficial for me. I've been to 4 different therapists in my life, each for different issues and it's just never worked out for me. I'm a college student, 21.

 

As a college student, your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus. Since you've already paid for it anyway, why not use it?

 

Counseling isn't something that 'works out for us,' it's not like a car wash, where we go in with problems and get washed clean of them. It's work, and it's all about how willing we are to work it to our advantage.

 

You may not have been mature enough to work through counseling before, but it's a skill you can develop just like any other skill. The therapist is a blank slate unless and until you direct your focus onto the stuff that can help you. But, just like getting a massage that addresses the real source of a problem, it can actually hurt and feel lousy for a while in order for the real work to get done. But it can actually resolve the problem--which means we don't need to carry it around like a giant weight far into the future.

 

My father and I have very good communication, he's very honest and open with me. He stays out of what's going on between my mother and I, though he has made his opinion on it clear. My mom kept telling him to tell me to talk to her, he told me everything that was going on and showed me the text messages.

 

By showing your Mom's texts, Dad didn't 'stay out of what's going on,' he stirred the pot. That's not a reason to not love him, but he just manipulated you. I'd watch that--and I'd decide whether this particular agenda is worth a big blowout, or whether you're just playing out a role in Dad's revenge on Mom.

 

I took pictures of the texts on my phone for proof, cause I know once I talk to her about it she'll deny everything. I just can't believe she's so stupid. She claims she loves her children, yet her behavior is showing otherwise. She's being a childish brat, totally immature and I can't stand it.

 

You've already known this stuff about your Mom for 8 years. One thing about our parents is true for all of us; we must each take on the role of the adult in our relationships with them at some point--some of us sooner rather than later.

 

Unfortunately, your need for a shift in this power revealed itself in your adolescence. I once heard a psychologist say that while society has decided that adolescence ends at age 18 or 21, it actually lasts for most of us well into our 20's. So you've been given responsibility for the adult role with your Mom (and possibly with Dad, too) far earlier than most people for whom that shift occurs gradually over our actual adult lives.

 

So now you get to pick how difficult you want this adult role to be for you. A deciding factor in that choice is not, and will never be, your Mom's behavior, because her regression into a child role never occurred--she has likely never grown beyond adolescence herself.

 

So your choice about how you'll want to handle your adult role with your parents is strictly limited to how willing you are to let go of the fantasies that were reasonable in your childhood--our parents 'should' behave in certain ways, and we 'should' be allowed to hold certain expectations of them.

 

We ALL need to let go of those expectations as we assume more and more responsibilities for our own happiness, learning, and self sufficiency. We adopt instead the role of caretaker for ourselves, and the messy part comes from disentangling from our childhood 'need' for parental approval.

 

That's the bomb that blows up even the most healthy relationships with parents, because we learn that we can't have it both ways--we don't get to make our own choices AND enjoy parental agreement and approval with all of those.

 

In your case, this is amplified even further by your Mom's inability to approve of ANY person, place or thing she views as a threat to her attention-seeking abilities. She will always be stuck in her child role of craving attention, and that's not just an act that she can heal on her own, it's a drive we all come into the world with given that from infancy we must seek attention for survival.

 

Your Mom never grew beyond that drive. She was either never nurtured out of it properly, or she was damaged in some way, but the point is, you know what you're dealing with. So you get to look at that with adult vision and decide how much weight and importance you need to give each of those symptoms as they come out sideways over time.

 

Your adult, independent self can opt to no longer be in conflict with Mom's dramas. You can view yourself as being the adult caregiver in this dynamic rather than the child who competes with Mom at a child level. That will be your liberation--not fighting with Mom over her opinion, which you no longer value anymore, anyway.

 

Wouldn't that option add some peace and focus to your own life?

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[ThatwasThen]

Therapy isn't something that's ever been beneficial for me. I've been to 4 different therapists in my life, each for different issues and it's just never worked out for me. I'm a college student, 21. My older brother has already cut off all communication with her, and it looks like I'll be doing the same.

 

My father and I have very good communication, he's very honest and open with me. He stays out of what's going on between my mother and I, though he has made his opinion on it clear. My mom kept telling him to tell me to talk to her, he told me everything that was going on and showed me the text messages. I took pictures of the texts on my phone for proof, cause I know once I talk to her about it she'll deny everything. I just can't believe she's so stupid. She claims she loves her children, yet her behavior is showing otherwise. She's being a childish brat, totally immature and I can't stand it.

 

You would do better in family therapy then personal therapy then. I'm thinking. The situation is obviously something that you are emotionally unable to come to terms with on your own so why not all of you go to a impartial mediator to help all of you learn how to cope with one another?

 

I wouldn't recommend it if you could actually just sever with her and be indifferent to her but you don't seem capable of doing that.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

I can see how you think my dad was "stirring the pot" as you put it. I didn't put a lot of details on that part, but i can assure you he's not manipulating me. He's talked to me about her multiple times, trying to convince me to talk to her more and forget about the past. He's really into family values, and actually bugs my older brother about talking to her as well. He understands both sides but goes on about how I only have one mother, I should forget about the past, blah blah blah.

 

I've been able to calm down (kinda) from when I found out. I've talked to my grandmom about it, she always helps me out. I'm going on vacation next week (7 days) and since its out of the country and my younger brother is going (he's under 18) he needs my mother's permission. So I'm going to wait until after we get back to talk to her about it (my grandmom and I are both worried she'll take her anger out on my brother). I don't want an argument, I'm tired of arguing. But after this, contact with her is BARE minimum. Unfortunately I'm under her health insurance, and unless I want to travel out of state for ANY medical care, I have to go to one specific doctor's office, which is the one she works at. Other than that I'm not talking to her at all. I'm done with her childish antics, she adds way to much stress into my life, I used to get really bad anxiety attacks, since I've moved in with my dad, my anxiety has gotten 10x better. I just can't have her in my life anymore, I don't want to.

[ThatwasThen]

I hope you have the funds to support your own medical care (just in case she cuts you off of hers).

[Seraphim]

Why can't you be under your dad's insurance ?

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

You would do better in family therapy then personal therapy then. I'm thinking. The situation is obviously something that you are emotionally unable to come to terms with on your own so why not all of you go to a impartial mediator to help all of you learn how to cope with one another?

 

I wouldn't recommend it if you could actually just sever with her and be indifferent to her but you don't seem capable of doing that.

 

I've been to family therapy before. It didn't help me, just made me feel worse. I know therapy isn't a quick fix, but I don't have the time and resources to find a therapist that I can connect with and feel comfortable talking to. I haven't had a good connection with any of the therapists I've met.

 

I've been to therapy with my mom specifically, just me, her and the therapist one time. I found out she had been lying to the therapist about many issues and the therapist was clearly bias towards my mom. So I'll be honest, that left a very bitter taste for me in regards to therapy. But like I said, it's not the only reason I don't find therapy helpful.

[Seraphim]

Therapy makes you feel worse before you get better. The point of it is you are working through crap issues , right? People don't tend to feel good about that. There is a misconception that after three sessions people are going to feel like sparkly unicorns but that's not true. It can take months or years to get to the crux of the problem.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

Why can't you be under your dad's insurance ?

 

He lost his job back in the end of April, he just started his new job this week but because of my health issues I couldn't go without health care for very long. #Murika. (I actually had to get a different kind of medication cause of the new insurance and now I'm dealing with persistent side effects) My mom does have really good health insurance, and it's a lot cheaper than what my dad had been paying for previously. So I might be stuck on her health insurance unless my dad gets better insurance at some point.

[Seraphim]

Just remember she could cut you off so be ready for that.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

I hope you have the funds to support your own medical care (just in case she cuts you off of hers).

 

No I don't even remotely have enough money to pay for my own health insurance. But she can't just drop me off the health insurance because there's a court order from the divorce. My dad has to pay for our health insurance, if she drops me my dad can just take her to court. And she'll be ordered to put me back on. Since I'm a college student I'm still dependent, so I'm luckily still protected in the child custody stuff.

 

At least, this is as I understand it. I read the divorce decree, and I'm a paralegal student, so I've got some idea as to what I'm talking about. But if I am wrong, it's still my dad's responsibility to cover me so he's a back up.

[Seraphim]

Ok, if your dad was unemployed how is he taking her to court or paying her for your insurance?

[catfeeder]

I still don't understand what you need to talk to her about. She has an opinion of your BF that you don't like. Fighting with her won't change that. So what, exactly, would you hope to accomplish by calling her out on her opinion? She's allowed to have one.

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

I still don't understand what you need to talk to her about. She has an opinion of your BF that you don't like. Fighting with her won't change that. So what, exactly, would you hope to accomplish by calling her out on her opinion? She's allowed to have one.

 

I want her to know why I'll be cutting off communication with her. She knows I'm upset about something at this point, but she doesn't know what. Like I said, I can't talk to her until after my vacation, so I've been telling her I'm fine. I don't plan on arguing with her, I already said I'm really really tired of arguing.

 

I know she won't change, her past behavior has proved that. But I feel like simply ghosting her will only make things worse, so I want her to know. She has a history of placing blame on everyone other than herself, I want to make sure she knows she's 100% at fault for this (maybe this is more so for my own satisfaction), I don't want her trying to start an argument with my father, or anyone else in my life. I don't want her blaming anyone other than herself.

 

I'll write out a summary of the texts, so you guys can have a clearer understanding:

Dad: Would you be able to watch the dog while we're on vacation?

Mom: no, but [daughter's boyfriend] is there all the time so I'm sure he can do it

Dad: [joke about how my mom is bad with animals & previous experience she had pet-sitting before]

Mom: exactly, I'm not responsible enough. Besides, [D.BF] can do it, he's always over

D: no he doesn't come over that much, they might be having issues, IDK, I stay out of it

M: good, I hope they break up, she's too good for him. Much smarter than him. He's lazy, etc, etc, etc

 

My dad didn't respond to that part. She wasn't asked for her opinion, she looked for an excuse to bring it up. My relationship is none of her business, especially after she told my bf to lie to me a few months back. She especially has no right to talk sh*t about my boyfriend after taking a look at her "boyfriend." I'm not a huge fan of my cousin's relationship but have I said anything?? No! It's none of my business, if it were an unhealthy relationship then that's a different story. My grandmom has also agreed, she has no right to talk poorly about my boyfriend or our relationship.

 

You see a harmless opinion, all I see is she's talking sh*t.

[ThatwasThen]

You're just perpetuating the drama.

[Seraphim]

It takes two to cause an argument .

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

It takes two to cause an argument .

 

I agree, and as I've said I don't want to argue. I'm hoping it goes as planned, a civil conversation. Though it's impossible to guess what will happen. By the time I'm back from my vacation I'll be much more calmer about the situation, so I have high hopes.

[catfeeder]

I agree, and as I've said I don't want to argue. I'm hoping it goes as planned, a civil conversation. Though it's impossible to guess what will happen. By the time I'm back from my vacation I'll be much more calmer about the situation, so I have high hopes.

 

A civil conversation resulting in what, exactly? You accuse Mom of sending nasty texts about BF, and then what's your goal for an outcome?

[CAPS4SAMMEH]

A civil conversation resulting in what, exactly? You accuse Mom of sending nasty texts about BF, and then what's your goal for an outcome?

 

I already said, i want her to know why I'm cutting off communication with her.

[Seraphim]

I already said, i want her to know why I'm cutting off communication with her.

 

That still won't be a civil conversation.