Two Situations for Two Different Friends ... Who Is Wrong??

[Ccottom]

Friend ones situation

 

His GF is ridiculously demanding. Constantly demanding he sees her all the time, if he has any other plans then he is blackmailed into seeing her. Me and him used to be best mates, i don't live at home any more so we would see each other saturday day and go out saturday night. Now he got this gf, she would demand to see him week nights and then saturdays and saturday night. Id see him for half an hour and i would get "i have to go L**** is asking when im going to be there". I haven't seen him in about 2 months now. I had a spare cinema ticket so asked him to come with me, he said he couldnt because he was seeing his GF. I said to her the other week, they see each other all the time and have the ability to see each other whenever they want. I never get to see the guy i've been best friends with for 15 years since teenagers, all i wanted was to go cinema or something and i had to go on my own in the end. All she replied was "haha lol".

 

Well, it was mid mid march and a friends 25th birthday. It was 15 of us guys got a table in the club private hire with bottles etc to celebrate together. All day she started flipping out about how he doesnt care about her if he goes and doesnt see her, he reminded her he has seen her everyday that week. She flipped out telling her how he is an awful partner that doesnt care for her. She arranged to meet her friends for a night out when it became apparent that he wasnt going to cancel his friends bday which he already paid for.

Half an hour into the night, everyone is feeling good, we turn around and there she is, arguing with the bouncer demanding that she is with us and to let her into our private area. He finally gets a lads night away from everyday with his gf and she has turned up on her own, next thing she starts crying and making a massive scene that she isnt on the list to our area and he has to take her home.

 

Now a month later, she thinks it is standard behaviour and can't see why he keeps bringing it up and is having a go over it.

 

Everyone, just wondering on behalf of this mate, what would you have done with this situation? Would you expect to even be in that situation?

 

 

Friend twos situation

 

This friend, he keeps making arrangements with his gf that keep getting ruined.

 

Three examples that come to my mind here; first, he was fetching her at 8am, they were driving for a weekend away he was treating her to. He had a full day planned that they agreed to that he was taking her out for. The night before, she decided to go out with a friend and ended up staying out till 5am partying. The bf turns up at 8am to pick her up, drive her off then take her out for the day. They get there and she is too tired and just wants to lie in bed all day, whole weekend ruined because they dont do anything except her sleep and him sit around.

 

Second example, she had work on the Saturday morning and do something all night together. She went off with her mom on Friday to visit her moms sister, the mom met the sister and she met her friend who lived there "for a catch up". She stayed longer than the mom so the mom brought her a train ticket, she then missed that train that night cause she got to drunk, she assured her bf she would get the 6am train so be on time for work, then she got in at 5am after going to a club and missed her train, called in sick to work and ended up getting back at 10pm after staying in bed all day. Meaning that she never got to see her bf.

 

Third example, she was going to get the 9am train to meet her bf because he was so ill and on medication he wasnt capable of anything. She ended up going out clubbing and got in at 6am, overslept and turned up at 3pm and had 4 hours with her bf even though they had planned to have a day of her being there as see each other perhaps every 2/3 weeks.

 

He has said that it is inappropriate and immature, if she has early morning plans then she should learn to call it a night at 1/2 and have a decent sleep and then stay out as late as she wants if she doesnt have any plans the next day. She left him saying it is controlling.

 

 

Question here, is he expecting to much from her? Is she acting indecently and with disrespect to her relationship by sacrificing her plans to go and do what she feels like and expect her bf to sit on the side and be happy with whatever?

[faraday]

It sucks when friends get into relationships with people that treat them like dirt. But there's nothing that you can do about it. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong...they choose to be with that person. Complaining about their partners won't make them dislike their partner...it will turn them against you because you're not being supportive.

 

You just have to hope they come to their senses and get out at some point. In the meantime...make new friends or hang out with other friends to fill your time.

[Clinton]

It sucks when friends get into relationships with people that treat them like dirt. But there's nothing that you can do about it. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong...they choose to be with that person. Complaining about their partners won't make them dislike their partner...it will turn them against you because you're not being supportive.

 

You just have to hope they come to their senses and get out at some point. In the meantime...make new friends or hang out with other friends to fill your time.

 

This is totally accurate

[Man with Dog]

I feel sorry for both of your friends. Both of their g/fs are at each extreme. I couldn't be with either, even though I'm on the clingy side of average.

[Wiseman2]

When you're single and your pals have gfs they are going to have to spend some time with them and thus less time hanging out. As far as their gfs...butt out because it could backfire.

[bulletproof]

Whether these are friends or your own situation, the answer is the same: unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships, period. Doesn't matter who's "right" or "wrong," really.

[Snny]

I had a spare cinema ticket so asked him to come with me, he said he couldnt because he was seeing his GF. I said to her the other week, they see each other all the time and have the ability to see each other whenever they want. I never get to see the guy i've been best friends with for 15 years since teenagers, all i wanted was to go cinema or something and i had to go on my own in the end. All she replied was "haha lol".

This was very rude in your part. You NEVER get into an argument or confront your friend's partner/spouse. Ever. You turned it on her to be the bad guy, and now she has a reason to dislike you even more.

 

It is always better to treat a friend's partner civilly. By not doing so, you now placed your friend to choose between you or her (and most likely be will choose her). This is not a good situation for you and him to be in.

 

Everyone, just wondering on behalf of this mate, what would you have done with this situation?

She was mostly wrong in the club situation. Guys Night means Guys Night. BUT in her defense, does she knows you guys? If she doesn't know her boyfriend's friends, would it have hurt to invite her out? This could of been an opportunity to get to know her better. If she doesn't know the company her boyfriend is hanging out, it will make her feel iffy.

 

Not saying you guys were wrong here, but this situation definitely could of been handled in a better way. Do realize that this other incident involving you gives her another reason to not trust his friends. She now feels you all have disrespected the relationship and she will never trust you guys around the boyfriend because of how you treated her and the her relationship with him.

 

 

Girlfriend #2 is irresponsible and inconsiderate. I would drop her. However, that decision is your friend's only. Do not get involved and butt out of this one.

[boltnrun]

This sounds an awful lot like the things your girlfriend does. In fact, I remember you starting a thread about situation #2 just a week or two ago. And it was you, not a "friend".

 

Is it really her and you are just pretending these things happened to your "friends"?

[Snny]

This sounds an awful lot like the things your girlfriend does. In fact, I remember you starting a thread about situation #2 just a week or two ago. And it was you, not a "friend".

 

Is it really her and you are just pretending these things happened to your "friends"?

 

 

 

The thread in question...

[Capricorn3]

bulletproof - Whether these are friends or your own situation, the answer is the same: unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships, period. Doesn't matter who's "right" or "wrong," really.

 

This sounds an awful lot like the things your girlfriend does. In fact, I remember you starting a thread about situation #2 just a week or two ago. And it was you, not a "friend".

 

Is it really her and you are just pretending these things happened to your "friends"?

 

I agree with the above posts. The stories are so familiar and sound like your own. I think we can all see/guess what it's really about. That said, be it your "friends" or your own situation, the answer remains the same. It makes no difference who's right or wrong. It's still a dysfunctional and toxic relationship.

[Ccottom]

Friend 1, im not so much bothered that hes ditched me because he got a gf because she has hand picked some friends that she allows him to go round with, the guys all turned him into a major drug addict and a few months ago he turned super snakey on me and i found it was to just get more drugs. I said that to his gf during a conversation we were having where i went after her bday night while they all went to get sniff so i went home.

 

Friend 2 is a closer friend, i can see the similarities between my issue and that one. However my issue was a girl that seemed to come up with a load of excuses to not do something.

This is a girl that makes plans then says to her bf she is going to go to the pub, and then walks in at 6am from nighg clubbing, she then misses the train, turns up 5 hours late and wants to lie in bed and scrap all plans to do stuff. But she expects her bf to be there waiting for her whenever she turns up and she expects him to be happy theyre spending time together. He mentioned that is unacceptavle to go out and completely dismiss all prior plans because you want to stay out till 6am partying. You can stay out till 1/2 and still have a good night, you need to learn to call it a night if you have plans that you need to be up for and to give your bf your all. She started calling him controlling.

[bulletproof]

He mentioned that is unacceptavle to go out and completely dismiss all prior plans because you want to stay out till 6am partying. You can stay out till 1/2 and still have a good night, you need to learn to call it a night if you have plans that you need to be up for and to give your bf your all. She started calling him controlling.

 

I think that your issues as well as the ones you describe here all center around the same theme: staying with someone and trying to change that person instead of just accepting you have different viewpoints, moving on, and finding others that are more compatible.

 

The bf in example 2 could just tell his gf he is no longer interested in waiting around for her while she's out all night partying. Instead, he tries to tell her what is "unacceptable" to do and what she "needs to learn." But clearly it *is* acceptable, because he's accepting it.