Should I tell him?

[Apple]

I lost my job in November. Ive been really bummed about being unemployed and my boyfriend has been supportive emotionally but pretty cheap and unwilling to go ahead and purchase anything for us to do without making me feel kind of guilty. There are things I want to do (concerts, sporting events, things like that). And while he gets a lot of gifted tickets from his season pass holder aunt and uncle he always takes his son. A male friend of mine asked me to go to a NBA game and Ive always wanted to go. My boyfriend doesnt like me to even mention this guys name (we've were friends long before he and I started dating). Because I conveyed to him a joke that this friend stated regarding he and I getting together. My boyfriend's not perfect but I love him and he is my best friend right now. I just want to go to the stupid game and lay off some stress but I dont want this to be a bad thing for our relationship. Either way things could get kind of silly. Should I just go and skate around the truth?

[RayKay]

In my opinion, you should tell him. If you don't and he finds out, it might make him feel justified in his reasons for not liking you being with him.

 

Tell him you need to get out, and did not want to impose on him and his son and so are going with your friend, tell him it is just as friends, etc.

 

I think there may be more going on though then just an NBA game here though.

 

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel about him making you feel "guilty". He may not be aware he is doing it. Has it always been a father-son thing for him, maybe he wants to keep that going and is an important part of their bonding.

 

Is he "cheaper" than he was before you lost your job, or is it the same and you just "see it differently" as you expect him to "pay up" for you?

Perhaps he feels like you may be taking advantage of him - it is not his fault you lost your job (not saying it is yours either, but you know where I am coming from?). Have you been looking for another job? Even something part time to tide you over and help a bit, or get some experience. Then you will have some extra money you can spend to go out and not feel indebted either. You don't want to end up in a position where you are "dependent" on him so even a little income can help. AND, it can help you avoid depression and boredom that you may end up going into..or getting "stuck".

[Day_Walker]

Im gonna say that its your call if you wanna go to the game or not. You know how your bf feels about the guy you are going with. So you need to make a decision based on what you know so far.

[Apple]

Thank you! Your advice has meant a lot to me. I am a one man kind of woman and while I have to admit my boyfriend and I dont see eye to eye in some aspects of our relationship. Im afraid to loose him because I live in a city with no family, very few friends and full time custody of a young son. I dont get out much and he's a nice guy. My friendship with the other guy is less valuable in the face of this relationship. Ive tried to be very clear about my friendship with this male friend, my boyfriend feels I should set him MORE straight about calling late (in the past it didnt matter because I lived alone. Still do, my boyfriend just happened to be here when he called late which was a very random thing) or making any jokes about our friendship in lue of both being in serious relationships with other people. So now I feel like there isnt much more I can do to convince my boyfriend im not interested in any deeper relations with the friend.

 

Youre right that he's not any more cheap than he was. We pretty much have paid equally for things in the past with an occasional special event from either of our pockets. Even on a third of my income I still will suggest I pay my own way. Im extremely independent. I just wish for once he could put me first and not make everything seem like I should be so "okay" when he doesnt include me and even though I concede to not getting to go I dont get away without a few comments about how it would have been such a stretch but we could have done it. I have no intention of nit picking his financial situation. But if in two weeks he's had a couple of opportunities to help me do something Ive always wanted to do and he gets to do all the time...i dont see what's the big deal.

 

I know he doesnt have the same kind of generous spirit I have or like to be with. But this is a take it or leave it situation. He says he doesnt want to take me for granted but i told him i'll decide when im being taken for granted to a point I should leave him. If i wasnt so lonely I would have left him months ago and taken myself to a game. Lol. But I dont have anyone here. Friend or foe. So I just appreciate his presense and dont want to piss him off.

 

Ive been looking intently for a job. Being on umemployment I was picky for the first few months (not accepting p/t or what looked like chaos) now Im starting to feel desperate so hopefully something will come up.

 

[/u]

[marijo2480]

Well if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't! I personally would not go to this game with another guy. I think if you were really generous with him when you had a job, if you always knew that he wasn't as generous, why would this surprise you? I wouldn't fuss to him about this though as it's more meaningful if it comes from your bf to want to take you out places. Do you know his financial situation? Maybe he's really broke right now. That would be a good enough reason to not have the means to take you places. Also, it sounds a little selfish from your part saying that you want to go to sporting events and concerts and expect your boyfriend to pay for this while you're unemployed! While yes it's okay to do occasionally, the fact that it's upsetting you is what makes you sound selfish. The other important issue is the fact that your bf has already said that he's uncomfortable with this guy. If you went to this game with him, you're asking for trouble and maybe even a break-up. Ask yourself these questions:

 

1) Do you want to be with your boyfriend, truly?

2) Is he really your best friend, as you put it?

3) Would you feel comfortable if the situation was reversed?

 

I hope you make a wise choice! Good luck to you!

[tanned_production]

I agree with marijo2480

 

If you're second guessing things, chances are, its something you shouldnt be doing.

 

If you want to do something to take your mind of things, plan something at home. Rent a whole bunch of funny movies, make a lot of snack foods, and a really good supper you both enjoy. Its cheaper.. and doesnt make you look as selfish.

 

Or if you do end up going somewhere with him, that costs money, when you get a job again, take him out... repay the favor.

 

Good luck with everything.

[DN]

It is a bad idea to stay with someone because you are lonely, or poor, or for any other reason than that you love him, respect him and want him.

 

You are not doing yourself any favours by staying with him for the reasons you suggest. You are not doing any favours for him either. How would you like it if you found out he was only with you because he could not find anyone better?

[Wyatt]

My girlfriend has a few friends that are guys and when we first started dating it bothered the hell out of me when she would want to go somewhere with one of them. She is very attractive and I can see why men would like hanging out with her. She knows that it bothered me, but she said they've been friends for a long time. I learned to deal with it, but I never trusted a "nice" guy who is always around offering to go places with a woman. I've met most of these guys and for the most part (except maybe two) I don't think any of them have any intentions (at least anymore) but it still bothers me sometimes. In my opinion, it's very rare that there is a mutually platonic friendship between a man and a woman. I think there is at least a little bit of attraction one way or another. Some people may disagree, but I believe those are few compared to the rest.

 

You should be able to go to the game, but ask yourself if you are going to the game for the sake of the game or because somebody is paying attention to you.

[mt_joy]

If you have to second guess going, you shouldn't go. I doubt you would like your bf going to a sporting event with another girl. Let him know that you really want to go out more often and wish he would take you to some of these things instead of his son.

[DN]

If you have to second guess going, you shouldn't go. I doubt you would like your bf going to a sporting event with another girl. Let him know that you really want to go out more often and wish he would take you to some of these things instead of his son.

 

Be careful with this one. It is a bad idea to ask him to put you before his son. That could put you in a very bad light. Would you like it if he asked you to put him before your son? How would that make you feel about him?

 

And if he did, how do you think his son would feel? It would hardly endear him to you.

[Luciana]

"Also, it sounds a little selfish from your part saying that you want to go to sporting events and concerts and expect your boyfriend to pay for this while you're unemployed! While yes it's okay to do occasionally, the fact that it's upsetting you is what makes you sound selfish."

 

I tend to disagree with Marijo. She is not asking this BF to pay for her bills and support her (which he could even do and many do), but to include her in some fun and not MIND paying for her. The fact that he seems to mind paying for her is a red flag for me. I think the one here who is selfish is HIM!

 

It's ok for him to want to do something alone with his son, but if this guy really loves her he would want her company too. He could very well do something once and a while alone with this son but include her most of the time (and her son too!). It could also help create some bonding between her and his son if he sees her as a potential long term relationship. I have the feeling (and she does too) that this guy is "just not into her"!

 

As for the guy friend. I don't see a problem in her going with the guy friend at all! After all, why can't she have other friends? Her BF is making her second fiffdle to her son so she should have a life of her own. If she doens't want to cheat she doesn't have to! And she shouldn't and should explain this to her BF. He HAS to trust her.

 

I just hope she is not using the friend to make her BF jealous; because she is feeling this BF is not really into her.

[DN]

"Her BF is making her second fiffdle to her son .

 

But he should be putting his son first. Our kids do come before our relationships. That applies as much to non-custodial single dads as it does to single mothers with custody. It does not mean she comes nowhere but she does not come first. If she can't accept that, then perhaps she should be seeking a relationship with a man who has no children to consider at all.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I think first of all that if you don't have the money and you are on unemployment then you should limit your spending on entertainment until you get back on your feet .

 

However, I think that if your boyfriend has neglected to take you out when he knows you want to go to some event--and I mean regularly does not take you--then he is not behaving much like a boyfriend. Sure he should take his son and all that, but you are the woman in his life and he should be making time for you too and treating you sometimes as well.

 

This other guy who is your friend wants to take you out.. I think that's great and I wouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend was jealous. Hell some other guy wants to treat his woman to a game...something he should be doing...he should think about this one a bit. Now.. if this guy was really a good friend he would not want to cause problems for you and your relationship and he would just give you the ticket. The fact that he wants to hang out with you.. I don't know maybe he has other plans.

 

You are making a mistake by staying with your boyfriend because you don't have other friends. Never alienate yourself that way, it's not a good idea... it's not healthy. You should always be able to walk away from a bad relationship. That's how you ensure you never put up with bad treatment. It's the best way to maintain self-respect and dignity.

 

One last thing : Does your boyfriend make you feel special and loved?

[Apple]

Well first of all I appreciate ALL of the advice. I told him today, I'm just not the type of person not to be upfront, I dont like feeling deceptive. I started off with "I know how you feel about * and I wanted to let you know that since Ive been feeling so down...yadah yadah." At one point I stated that I had been very patient with his opposite sex friends. He went all ridiculous and the issue became you always bring up what Ive done to justify what you want to do. ???????Ummm...Okay, that wasnt exactly where I meant things to go but I knew it'd be kind of an argument anyway. He also insisted he tried hanging out with me this week and I shot him down (Mon/Tues I have my son, he doesnt come around much, Wed I attend church, neither of us has our son's, Thurs he's going to the game with his son and Friday - Sunday we'll both have our childrenSo I just ended with simply stating that I didnt want to fight I just wanted him to trust me. He is more important than any game and I look forward to his suggestions of things we can do that are affordable.

 

I got nothing expect I dont care, do what you want but if you expect me to be okay with this Im not and I wont be discussing this with you anymore. Well obviously from my perspective I wanted to scream at the lack of resolution and the new low levels of miscommunication. But whatever.

 

For all of you who might be wondering if Im just kind stupid to be in this: I do feel a little selfish for wanting him to pay for things that I cant afford, for thinking he should go a little out of his way to spend time with me. But our relationship was built on a strong belief that our children will come first. I'd just like to be considered at all sometimes. Oh and FYI last weekend he made plans with an old female friend from middle school years (we're both in our late 20's) without mentioning it to me at all and while I confronted him about my anger and insecurity with the issue, he barely responded with it except to tell me that I shouldnt be insecure about her because I know of her?????? I am way more patient and understanding than he was when I was being up front and I didnt know about his plans till after the fact. I am so ready to be over him. I feel disrespected and Im not sure if I should just consider being done with him altogether.

[Mun]

Hi Apple,

You know.. I like the way you handled this. I think you acted within reason and you tried your best to explain it to him so he would be supportive. Unfortunately, it sounds to me like he is used to doing what he wants and not caring much how you feel about it...but you have to make him happy and do what HE wants.

 

Let the way he makes you feel guide you about what you need to do with this relationship. When someone cares for you they make time for you and they want to treat you to nice outtings sometimes...or at least spend time with you doing something together. Thing is once you start expecting to be treated a certain way things will change:

 

1. He will either step up to the plate and start treating you with more consideration because he really does care about you --he just has his too many other things to worry about (ie. his son).

 

or

 

2. He will think YOU are just too much trouble and won't find the door fast enough. ( because he is used to NOT going to any trouble for you--and he liked it that way )

 

Next time he tells you that you shot him down about making plans. Ask him to remind you what it was he wanted to do. You may have shot him down without knowing it--or he could just be saying that to shift the blame back to you for the lack of communication. Find out.

 

I hope you get what you want. I wish you the best.

 

Love

[Luciana]

DN, I really don't like that statement "children always come first".

 

Although your children are important, you cannot ignore your partner because of them. Remember, you only have this life to live. Your children will grow up fast and will replace mom and dad with someone else. You will end up alone if you are unable to include a GF or BF in your life along with your children. What you should not do is neglect your children to go clubbing with your "love of the day" for example, but when you find a man or a woman who you really care you should be able to mesh them with your children.

 

On dating sites, women and men who write "my children always come first" just make any potential dates disappear quickly! I have heard many stories of divorced men (especially those who feel guilty about the divorce) let their children go between them and their GFs, and losing someone who could be great for them.

 

It's all common sense. There has to be a balance. Your love life is important too. This children oriented society we have make us totally slaves to them. Children are happier when their parents are happy.

 

Muneca, I really liked your post. Only Apple knows show she is feeling, and right now, she is feeling neglected.

[Mun]

Thank you Luciana. My posts are either hit or miss .

 

I hope things work out for Apple.

[Cecelius]

I agreed with the b/f's position on this dude until I heard about the middle school friend.

[Carthiana]

I truly believe my ex-husband's attitude and decision of where he put his daughter from his previous marriage and me was, well, what really did us in.

 

I understood he had a right to take care of her, make her important... however. There has to be a point where you realize that you need to spend time on your 'partner', you can't just put them aside (whether the parent of your child or not) and expect them to wait until you have given your child all the 'necesary' time and dedication they need. Partners, wives, husband's can't just be put on hold for 'intimacy time' until addressing the needs of the child are done. You can't put your love, devotion aside and only focus on one person (the child). I'm a living of example why and of what happens. The role of taking care of a child is never done, so when would a significant other get that attention they deserve? Never?

 

He put his child as 1st, for EVERYTHING (which is not a /bad/ thing, but putting 100% time/dedication to a child is not necessary when there is someone else to help lighten the load). He believed her words over mine (when me having to tell him about her lying, or fibbing, or hiding stuff, etc), he told me he would save her over me if it ever came down to it. And I wasn't willing to wait until he was 'free' as a parent of the responsibilites when she turned 18 for him to then focus that attention back on me.

 

Being a parent is hard, being a stepparent seems even harder (or having a partner be the step parent to your child). But you can't ignore one for the other (focuse on partner, not on child or vice versa). It is a delicate balance that takes time, effort and , obviously, the willingness to make it a priority and identify it as something to work on. If you are not willing to do it the hard way, balancing both (which will benefit you in the end by having a good role model for your child and a partner to share in life's troubles and successes), then you won't have anyone beside you in the end (or you will alienate your child if you only focus on your partner). Granted this is my opinion, so in no way consider this a fact. It is simply MY experiences which serve as my 'fact' of what can happen and DID happen to me.