ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 I ended my engagement a few months ago. We were on/off for 15 years. My family disliked my fiancé with a passion. So while me and my ex were together, my relationship with my family was extremely strained and at times non-existent. Once I ended my engagement - for reasons not related to my family's dislike of him - my family embraced me wholeheartedly. They completely supported my decision to end my engagement...of course they did. Since then, my relationship with my family is filled with too much conflict. I walk on eggshells around my sister (who is an adult). My mother enables her. The littlest thing can set my sister off. Sometimes she is EXTREMELY kind and supportive of me and other times she just cuts me up. She will get mad at me if I do something for her that is not to her liking. I now see why I kept running back to my ex and why our relationship was on/off for 15 years. Every time, I would run back to my ex to seek his comfort and support knowing that I would end up losing my family for it. I am wiser now and I know that running back to my ex is not a wise decision. But I compare my life now - with my family in it - to my life then - with my fiancé and without my family in it - and for all of the flaws, deceit, betrayal by my ex, I have to be honest and say that I preferred my life then to my life now. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Why didn't they like your ex? Why did you break up? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 I went back and read your thread from January. We all said that you needed to leave this guy. I can see why your family wanted you away from him. Remember, you were not happy with him!!!!! The guy is a loser and you will always be propping him up. That sounds miserable. Do you want to go back to playing mommy? You're simply lonely. Use this time to expand your life with activities and friends. Not the failure you dated for 15 years. Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Thanks Holly but I'm not feeling lonely. My relationship with my family is messed up and has always been even before my ex. My ex was my escape from my family. I am done and done with my ex. But my family problems still exist no matter where I am at in my life, who I am with, where I am going... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 I think you need to expand your life. Big time. You need to get out and explore new options and people. Have you ever volunteered? It sounds like you use others as a crutch. Be more independent. Link to comment
Notbyforce Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Sorry about the whole thing! but then, as i always tell people that relationship is not by force but by choice. And how can the two walk together except they agree? so you will need to be patient with yourself, be focus and accept whatever that has happened to you with good faith, and then continue to pray to God for a better relationship. Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Hi Holly, I am independent and never ask others for help/support. That is something that I need to change. I give so much to others and never want or ask or expect anything from others. My family relies on me just as much as my ex did. So I am the crutch for others. That needs to change too. I own my own business, love my doggie, have a close circle of friends that I trust, enjoy time with my colleagues, volunteer at a non-profit organization, and I am active in my community. But on the inside, I have a troubled relationship with my family (which only my ex knows about - hence why he was my escape from the tumultuous relationship I have with my family). Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Have you sought a counselor that help you with your family dynamic? Do you have to interact with them outside of the holidays? NO. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 We have to instill boundaries with our families as we do with other people . With people who tear you down in that moment say I'm not talking to you until you can act better. My father is verbally abusive I would say 95% of the time . I tell him I will talk to you when you can act like a human being and then I call him a few months later and see if he's acting any better . You don't have to put up with your sister's treatment . Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 I have been in therapy. It was my therapist who identified for me that my relationship with my family was not 'healthy'. My relationship with my family was all I had ever known. So, in my mind, I thought it was my role to be the provider, the carer, the one running around putting out fires (for lack of a better term) for my family. I lived this way for a long time. It is very painful for me when my sister cuts me up, when my mother enables her, and I have to beg for forgiveness just to make up with my sister. Unfortunately, after the end of my engagement, I moved in with my sister although temporarily. I need to move out as soon as possible but for a number of reasons I probably will not be able to do so for a few months. I will just try to keep to myself while I am in her home. Link to comment
j.man Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Why didn't they like your ex? Why did you break up?I'm curious to know the answers to Holly's original questions. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 There is no other option, other than your sister? Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 My sister is the only option for now but I am going to get my ducks in a row and move out as soon as possible. I want peace and I won't have it as long as I am living with her. Why I broke up with my ex: not compatible, I became his mother vs. his fiancé, lied to me about $$, took my $$ behind my back, wasn't honest with me about big things & little things...just to name a few. He did have some good qualities: he was supportive of me when I had conflict with my family. He listened to me. I loved him. Why my family didn't like my ex: I doubt my family will ever like anyone I am with. They felt that I abandoned them for my ex. They were of the view that my ex "ruined our family". Link to comment
j.man Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 ...and it's completely out of the realm of possibility that your family simply could have disliked him because, by your own admission, he was a child? And a conniving and thieving child at that? Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Sure. But what is hurting me right now is how I am being treated by my family. A treatment that is all too familiar. Except this time, there is no man-child to run to. Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 I couldn't even go on a date with someone without having my family flip out on me. They expect me to be there for them 24/7. If my attention is with someone of the opposite sex - minus colleagues - there will be hell to pay. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 My sister is the only option for now but I am going to get my ducks in a row and move out as soon as possible. I want peace and I won't have it as long as I am living with her. Why I broke up with my ex: not compatible, I became his mother vs. his fiancé, lied to me about $$, took my $$ behind my back, wasn't honest with me about big things & little things...just to name a few. He did have some good qualities: he was supportive of me when I had conflict with my family. He listened to me. I loved him. Why my family didn't like my ex: I doubt my family will ever like anyone I am with. They felt that I abandoned them for my ex. They were of the view that my ex "ruined our family". Something families are like that. For instance my husband's family would have never accepted anyone he was with . I was told that I "stole their son". nothing you can do about people like that but keep a good boundary . Link to comment
bulletproof Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Unfortunately, after the end of my engagement, I moved in with my sister although temporarily. I need to move out as soon as possible but for a number of reasons I probably will not be able to do so for a few months. Given what you already knew about them, this seems like a very odd choice. What about your friends you mentioned? Why not stay with them? And is your business okay? Are you in financial trouble that forces you to live with your sister? As long as you're living with her, you don't have much leeway in terms of controlling the time spent with them. Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 It is the other way around. I am now financially helping my sister including her living costs. I won't impose myself on my friends. Plus I have a dog so I can't impose my dear dog on friends. Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 I told my sister this afternoon that I cannot live in a home where I feel like I am walking on eggshells (never mind the fact that I am paying the bills for said home). She apologized! She has never apologized to me before, never, ever, ever... It's all about taking back control of your own life. That is what I learned today. Thank you to those who responded to me with productive and constructive comments. I really appreciate it. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 She will get mad at me if I do something for her that is not to her liking. So stop doing things for her. Next time she asks a favor, you can say, "I'm not willing to deal with hostility when you don't like the way I do something for you, so you get to decide whether you'll be kind regardless of whether I don't do this favor to your liking, and if not, you're welcome to ask someone else to do this for you." What are other examples of situations you find difficult to navigate with your family? It makes no sense to glom everything together into one giant abstraction and then tell yourself you're miserable about that. Break things down and deal with one issue at a time in a practical way. That's how you'd handle problems with friends, on the job, or with your volunteer group--so why not with family? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 It is the other way around. I am now financially helping my sister including her living costs. I won't impose myself on my friends. Plus I have a dog so I can't impose my dear dog on friends. I sort of agree with Bullet. If you knew about this dynamic, why didn't you just move out and into your own place. It sounds like you need stronger boundaries with your family. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 It is the other way around. I am now financially helping my sister including her living costs. I won't impose myself on my friends. Plus I have a dog so I can't impose my dear dog on friends. So basically you have enough money to help your sister out, but didn't get your own place? It's great that she apologized, but it sounds like it's going to take a lot more than one conversation to undo years of unhealthy dynamics. I think it's odd that you've put yourself in this position with her given what you've said about your family. It just doesn't sound like you'll have that much control over your life if you're living in someone else's space. Link to comment
ssgirl1010 Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 At the end of the day, they are my family, no matter what. Not so odd if you live a day in my shoes. I have chosen to help my sister out financially because she needs it. I cannot afford to pay for two separate households at the same time (wish I could). I can only pay for one household - right now that is my sister's household. She has been receptive to my feedback, for the first time, and I am feeling positive about that Link to comment
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