my break up causing friendship problems

[lovehearts123]

as you can see in my previous threads, I got out of a majorly toxic, painful, emotionally abusive relationship with someone who turned out to also be emotionally cheating on me. I feel like I did dodge a bullet, but would like some reasurance from anyone here if you dont mind. Here are the red flags:

- he fluctuated between saying he loved me and saying he didnt

- he talked to other girls lots and would hide this from me until I would find out somehow. He promised he would stop but then didnt

- he used to insult me about how I was before I was with him, and bring it up a lot. I cried many times because of this

- he would say to me after doing anything bad on his side that he 'knew I wouldnt leave him whatever he did'

- used to go out clubbing without me knowing

- used to hang out and nurtured another relationship behind my back, all whilst talking about marriage to me

- told me he wanted to talk to more girls as friends before settling down with me

- would ignore me for days if i brought up something i didnt like that he did

- would blame me for being overdramatic if i brought anything bad up or wanted to talk about us

- led me on whilst he emotionally cheated on me with another girl

- he threatened to break up with me if i didnt agree to some of his conditions eg. speaking to other girls

- he made me do thngs physically and emotionally which went against my beliefs because he would get angry or passive with me if i didnt

- insulted me majorly after the breakup and moved on extremely quickly because the girl was waiting for him. Never talked since.

 

I did breakup with him first because the pain was too much, and he agreed. I asked for him back though which I really regret.

 

The main question in this post though is regarding my friendships. I have a friend who helped me through all this, and made me feel slightly better in my worst days. It has been 4/5 months now, and whilst I feel that the worst days have passed, I still do get upset and I still cry sometimes. This friend accused me of liking him and I told him I didnt because I wasnt over the breakup at all. Whenever I do get upset, I tell him in advance so that he knows my reluctance to speak is due to my upset rather than anything to do with him. This friend insulted me a lot yesterday and told me it was stupid of me to still be hung up over this breakup after it has been so long. I now feel very weak, as if I should be over this, but am not. What should i do? i follow all the advice: complete NC, exercise, making plans and travel with friends, work everything. I am still not over it though

[tallydoo]

Sometimes it really does just take time, and I think it takes longer if you're in a relationship where you kind of lose your sense of self.

 

This guy either doesn't sound like a very good friend, or he might just be at a loss for how to help you. When I went through my long breakup recovery, I tried to spread it around to a few close friends so that no one got the full brunt of it. Just keep going; you'll get there eventually.

[ParisPaulette]

First off, congratulations on dumping the dead weight out of your life. And yes, I know it hurts, but 3-4 months in is still new in breakup land. So don't beat yourself up about not being over it all just yet.

 

Now, on to the next thing. As much as this guy has been a friend to you, I'm going to tell you as a woman who has a lot of guy friends, they are not usually willing to do the whole girlfriend holding your hand during a bad breakup routine--not for long anyways. I've had guy friends tell me, "Paris, I love you with all my heart, but I do not want to hear one more word out of your mouth about a guy you should be celebrating losing, capiche? Now let's go grab a beer honey and find you someone better." And that was in the first month of my breakup of a six-year on/off relationship.

 

The fact is it sounds like maybe you've been leaning on this guy a bit too much and he's now out of any advice and is a bit weary of having to hear about some jerk over and over again. You say he insulted you, but I have no idea if we're talking calling you names--which if that's the case you dump him too and take a good long look at why you have toxic people in your life, period--or whether what you deem insults was him trying to do his male version of "come on, snap out of it." Because yes, I have seen my guy friends do that to each other. And I don't think they were insulting each other, I think it's what men kind of do when they're trying to get the other one out of a funk mood. "Come on you big lug, what are you whipped? Stop being Sissy Crybaby and let's go race ATVs in the desert. Be a man again!"

 

Men do often process a breakup differently than a woman, not that it hurts any less, but they just do it differently. And I say that with some experience, because again I have plenty of male friends and several brothers and not once did they ever ring me on a regular basis to cry over some girl who had hurt them for months. But me as a woman? Yeah, I've done that more than once, but I did it with other women 'cause a fellow sister sometimes cannot get enough of that. But my guy friends would probably rather drive across a frozen lake in a tank than listen to me go on and on about a breakup, bluntly speaking. (No disrespect to the fellas on here, really.)

 

At this point in the breakup though you do need to take it to another level, which usually means if you're going to keep talking about it you find a good therapist or counselor or fellow female friend who can offer sympathy and words of wisdom, and you stop relying so much on this male friend. And maybe it's time to start journaling and yes getting out into the world to go to the gym or for walks. Take up an activity or hobby or take a class as well since that can help you recover, and recover your sense of self and self-esteem, far faster than anything else.

 

And pull way back from this male friend, as in way back. Let him contact you first and go focus on other friends, other things in your life. I can't say whether he's a bad friend or if he's just frustrated since he feels he can't help you, but it is time to give him space and find other ways to deal with the breakup. And yes, deal with it you must and you're doing that, but you need to give yourself time and try different avenues of how to deal with it to find what works best for you.

 

P.S. I'm sharing a link to this thing called "The Breakup Guide" as it has some really great tips that can help.

[j.man]

Generally speaking, men are averse to complaining, especially when it comes to emotional issues. That's not to say we're above getting a good griping out of our system, but it's typically a one-and-done. We don't really want to hear any complaining to begin with and we certainly don't want to hear the same complaining / venting over the course of months.

 

Add to that, there's a good chance this guy has been playing the role of sponge/shoulder for you in hopes you'll come around and date him. You keeping on with the sobbing over the ex very well could be frustrating him from that angle, too.

 

Really, after 5 months, it's obvious the venting hasn't helped much. I'd consider stopping and putting a serious effort into internalizing and learning how to self-cope. While this is something a lot of women don't like hearing, it often really is the case that constantly vocalizing your problems hinders your potential to overcome them.

[leseine7]

Ok, your guy friend here is another toxic relationship in your life that you need to break off from. Take the time to heal from your ex, and separate from this guy completely too. It seems like something has gotten twisted between you two (him interpreting your friendship as you liking him....sounds pretty immature to me), but more than that, anyone who willingly insults and hurts you is not your friend or anything else.

[ThatwasThen]

Are you getting therapy to help figure out why you didn't leave your ex immediately upon his mistreatment of you instead of staying for more of it? If you are not, I highly recommend that you do so and use your therapist to cry to and vent about things.

 

Even the best of friends will get tired of the vent if the vent never leads to them seeing an improvement in you. It doesn't mean that your friend and yours relationship is dysfunctional in anyway (it could but it is unlikely with just what you've shared) it just means that his reaction to your ongoing angst and lack of joy is becoming less patient with it.

 

Men tend to strive to be problem solvers and he's not solving your problem by listening to your pain. Find someone who is trained to do that and guide your through it.

[catfeeder]

This friend insulted me a lot yesterday

 

I would take pride in my ability to remove toxic people from my life, and I'd give this 'friend' the heave-ho, too.

 

The whole point of relationships is to help one another to build ourselves UP. There are millions of people in the world--you don't need anyone who insults you.

 

Head high, and hang in there--you're doing great, and you'll do even better when you own the self respect to find better friends. It may take time, but take baby steps and go at your own pace.