Really struggling to let go..

[ShannonM10]

Hi there, I have been perusing this forum for the better part of 4.5 months now, reading all the of the great topics and advice. My boyfriend and I broke up roughly 4 months ago, right after we purchased a house. I noticed that he started to act funny about 3 weeks after we bought the house so confronted him. He stated that he didn't feel the "spark" anymore, that he didn't feel the butterflies and was having doubts. I was obviously very upset as he had NEVER said anything before hand, or gave me any indication that he was questioning his feelings. I stated that of course after 5 years things are going to seem stale and routine...and that the spark requires work on both ends..and I was willing to do anything to make it work. He said that you shouldn't have to work on a spark..it should just be there. I felt like he was living in a fantasy land...but we managed to talk it out and he decided he wanted to try.

 

During this time he was in school for electrical, his truck broke down and we purchased the house. So a lot of stress. I decided to go to my parents to give him space and lent him my car so he had a way of getting to class. During that time he kept stating that he wanted to try and work on things, but was distant and didn't text me as much or answer his phone. I FINALLY snapped and went over to our rental and confronted him..and said to him that if he knew he wanted it to be over, to just tell me instead of dragging me along in limbo..to break it off now instead of waiting until he was done his exams. He went on to say he wants to try and he wouldn't break up with me after his exam. Well...day he writes his exam he breaks up with me...I was devastated. We ended up talking for hours..crying..and then having sex. He then went on to say he was going to Calgary for 10 days to give me space for work. This whole time I was talking to his sister, she said he was super confused...the house made him really question our relationship..but he did love me blah blah.

 

Well I find out by accident that he ended up going on a trip with another girl...a girl he had mentioned to me about a month ago...stating she was hitting on him and tried to add him on facebook. I saw what she looked like so wasn't too worried plus we had a super open and honest relationship and I trusted him completely. I found out that during that 2 weeks of space I gave him before the breakup..he tells his sister this chick has been texting him..knows he has a gf...and that they hung out once or twice while I was at my rents and he was super confused about his feelings. She went on to tell him he is clouding his judgment and not thinking clearly about us by having her there...as of course she is waiting on the sidelines. He goes on to say he never physically cheated on me...but obviously on an emotional level he did. I later find out this chick paid for the trip...wants him to move in with her..etc. When I confronted him balling my eyes out, we talked in the car..this girl calls my cell phone as shes watching us talk from OUR rental place...and threatens to call the police. What kind of chick has the balls to do something like that? I also find out that she checks his phone..is super clingy etc.

 

We had so many financial issues to clear up that No contact has been reall hard to implement. I kept hoping that this was all a bad dream..and we eventually did meet up and talk after two months of not seeing eachother. He explains to me that he deeply regrets the way he went about things, that I did not deserve that treatment...and that he wishes he could take it back but cant. I point out all the red flags this chick has demonstrated as his sister already has to him...and he agrees and says that something doesn't feel right in his gut with her. He states that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore but admits he has driven by my place, gets jealous at the thought of me with other guys and really wishes that we had worked on the communication and spending time together otherwise we wouldn't be in this position. It hurts so much because he says these things but has continued to stay with this girl. When I asked him why he says "I don't want to be alone and she relaly really likes me".

 

How can you throw away 5 years? I know I should hate him...he left me in a bind with a house..my parents had to step in and take his place...and gets to walk away without any financial obligations and a brand new relationship. Meanwhile Im left picking up the pieces of a broken heart and dealing with this huge weight on my shoulders. All I want is him to apologize to me and say he made a huge mistake. I want to let it go and move on but I get so stuck on the fact that I was replaced over night. I know deep down that there was obviously issues he was having and doubts that he never told me about...but he hd multiple chances to back out of the house..I even asked him on multiple occasions!! Apparently, according to him...she had nothing to do with the breakup, it all had to do with the house. And he was so stressed out with everything going on, he states that he wasn't thinking clearly, never should have gone on that trip with her, and would have probably thought more about us if she wasn't in the picture.

 

I am feeling so worthless and rejected..and that 5 years ment nothing to him. He had never fallen in love before me..and I know he has a few commitment issues, but we had discussed a future together, traveled, and had a normal healthy relationship. Its like he flipped a switch. His sister thinks that he went so far over his head by going on this trip with this girl..that hes just seeing it through because the only other alternative is to be alone and think about what he did. He basically hopped into a relationship with me right after nhis last gf and that should have been a red flag but I thought I was different since he never loved her.

 

Sorry for the long message. I just don't know how to let go of wanting him to regret what he has done..and feeling worthless and that I ment nothing. I want the satisfaction of him saying he made a mistake and I want his relationship to fail since its based on lies and deception, but I know that's not healthy and petty of me. Ive been so nice to him through this whole ty situation, never thought in a MILLION years he would do this to me...and Im sick of feeling like the only one suffering. How can I move past this? Does he just get to move on and forget about me while im stuck hurting so badly? How do you let the hope die? I am 30 years old starting all over again and I miss my best friend and bf...while he get this new relationship. I just don't want to care or think about him anymore. We finally cleared up the finances and he is now totally ignoring me..i did no contact when I could and I admit I did feel better, I hate leaving things on bad terms so tried to reach out and wish him all the best...he couldn't even respond to that since hes hiding his convos with me from his gf and probably wants me to leave him alone. Any advice? Sorry again for the length.

[styve]

First of all, I feel badly for you because of what has happened. You seem like a supportive and understanding person. Maybe he just got scared of the prospect of owning a house with you. Sure, you were together for 5 years, but as you said he was living in a 'fantasy land' and didn't understand the impact that the next serious step of your relationship was going to have on him. I can only guess that he moved on so quickly to another relationship was maybe he wanted something a little less serious, but with all the positive aspects of a relationship, aka not being alone. All in all, you should focus on the positives, which is you now own your own property (thankfully your parents are helping you) and you also don't have to deal with this backing out of a committed relationship later on down the track. You never mentioned if you were engaged/married, but I'm going to assume you were not and also point out a huge red flag. If you were with someone for that long a time and they did not take the relationship to the next commitment level, but you bought a house, maybe he just was not as invested as you were. Maybe he was just not aware of what owning a house together actually meant for the two of you. And in order to 'lose the hope' you need to be very honest with yourself about his commitment issues. It just seems you two were not on the same page and he got anxious and scared and acted rashly and started a new relationship just to mask the old one.

 

If I were you, apart from being hurt and upset, I would also be relieved that you are now free to find someone who shares the same values as you, aka working for a relationship and not expecting the spark to always be there. But in saying that, you can't force someone to find that spark, they need to find it on their own. I hope it all works out for you.

[ShannonM10]

Thankyou styve for responding. I do know that I maybe I dodged a bullet...and I think that he ahs some underlying issues with commitment. I guess I just worry that he will change for this new girl and she will be the "one" for him, whereas I invested 4.5-5 years and it was all for not. I deserve someone that acknowledges that a relationship requires work and that you aren't always going to feel butterflies and sparks. He said, when we spoke, that he now knows that you are never going to be 100% sure and that some doubts are natural and he wishes that he had tried. I just don't know what is stopping him, I guess I feel like he literally does not care about me at all anymore and that this girl has something I do not. I don't get how you walk away from someone straight into another persons arms after making such a huge commitment, a person that you've only known for a month. Hurts like hell. Will he regret it? I hope to god one day he does!

[BeHeard]

It will make NO difference what he says to you or how he apologizes. For every answer you get, there will be another question, and it will be endless. If you got the answer to your "why", my guess is there is nothing he could possibly say that would bring you peace. You need to find your own peace.

 

I seriously doubt that 5 years meant nothing to him, if that is any solace. That perhaps is something you are telling yourself. However, people just end things because they just DO. It sounds like he may have been a little emotionally immature.

 

I know you don't want to leave this on bad terms, so don't... just LEAVE IT (alone). Maybe he needs to have this experience with this girl to get some answers and grow up. Let him. You seem like the mature one, and when you allow it, somebody who has the same viewpoint regarding a working relationship will come into your life.

[catfeeder]

I know you can't appreciate this right now, but you will look back on this at some point and be glad that this breakup happened. The guy is spineless. He's a candle in the wind, and you deserve someone far better.

 

Your grief is natural. You get to decide whether this time will make you stronger or not. I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself with my resilience and ability to bounce back. I think you dodged a bullet, and in time, you'll know this for sure.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[ShannonM10]

Thank you for your honest opinions and advice. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I do know that over time things will get easier. I just keep getting so hung up on the fact of feeling replaced. I know no one can know or answer the questions I have...i just can't seem to let go of hoping that he will come back...or hinging my happiness on the hope that his relationship will not work out and its a "rebound". Which it could or could not be.

 

He's done so.much damage, I should never want to be with him again, but I still remember the person I shared 4.5 years with and wonder how he could move on so quickly and not seem to care how much he hurt me. Will he come sniffing around again? How can a relationship starting that way last? I'm sorry I'm repeating myself, I just know people get stuck on the idea that they may come back..I just don't want to care anymore.

[Sarah Whittle]

I feel that your story mirrors mine in so many ways. I completely understand the wanting them despite all they have done but at the same time wondering how anything with them could possibly work after all that has happened. I don't want to care anymore either, but I fear I always will. I saw a real future with my Ex before he up and left out of the blue. I was left reeling and trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces. I hope we both can get some real advice for moving on from this thread.

[styve]

I guess I just worry that he will change for this new girl and she will be the "one" for him, whereas I invested 4.5-5 years and it was all for not.

 

Regardless of what type of relationship the two of them have together, it does not change the fact that you and him spent 5 years of your lives together. And although you did not change him, you both would have left an impression or an impact on one another. It isn't a sort of 'loss investment' although the future you had planned did not work out, but sometimes experience is more valued than a goal or a dream. You might reflect on all the things that this relationship has taught you, so you can grow from it. And if he does realise his mistake and try and apologise/start the relationship, how would you react? Could you ever forgive him?

[PICCOLLO]

Im 35 and in the same boat. Im sure what you had meant a lot to him but for various reasons, his love faded. He likely still thinks of you and has regrets.

 

Try not to focus on him having a new relationship. Its about you now. Dont be hard on yourself, give yourself time to grieve, be upset, be hurt. But know that the pain fades, you'll gain perspective and eventually you'll move on. The first step is changing your mindset that you need him. You don't.

 

NC is an important part of the process. Yes it seems easier to try to fix your relationship but it would never be the same and he obviously doesnt want that. Its hard and it hurts deep inside on so many levels: rejection, lonliness, emptiness. But you can love again and you can overcome this and be better for it. Give it time and try to be strong.

[ShannonM10]

Hey guys, its been a little while since I posted my story and I am still really struggling. I have still not contacted him but have been very tempted, especially because his birthday is coming up. I feel like as much as I want to, I will end up looking pathetic and desperate, especially since he has made no attempts to talk to me and never even had the decency to respond to me when I tried to be nice last time. I keep going around in circles in my head asking myself what this girl had that I didnt, that made him want to hurt me so badly, how he can just treat someone that has been nothing but good to him this way. I could never even fathom doing what he did, and all I want is for him to show at least SOME remorse...or that even he cares about me. Its like I never existed at all....and that I matter that little. I want to turn off these negative thoughts, its just killing me that I havent even got one crumb from him...not even ONE..after what he has done. Does he just get to live happily ever after with this girl..and theres no justice in the world for hurting someone you used to love that much? I know I am sorry I am ranting and drowning in self pity tonight. I guess I just wish I knew if he even thought about me in any capacity...and wanted to reach out..or if he is head over heals for this new girl. I dont get how you can build a solid relationship on deception and lies like that....is it doomed to fail??

 

I guess I know the answer to my question, which is, should I say happy birthday?.....why I would even want to talk to him after this is beyond me...he was such a great bf for five years and the way he ended things is so appalling..that I cant even wrap my head around it. We didnt even fight..like EVER! Is is THAT easy to move on from someone? I just find that so difficult to grasp. I guess silence speaks more volumes on my part then anything.

[boltnrun]

If you wish him happy birthday that sends the message that, despite how he treated you, you still want him.

 

Also, he'll probably show your message to his girlfriend. Do you want them discussing how you just can't seem to let go? Do you want them feeling sorry for you?

[ShannonM10]

Its more likely he would hide it from her then anything, but yes I do not want that at all, and dont get me wrong. I have been hanging out with other men and have learned that I can attract other guys and have many options. I guess I just cant seem to let go of the hurt and desire to get any kind of emotion out of him. But I 100% agree with you.

[catfeeder]

A birthday is always the excuse people want to use to make the contact they want so much anyway. Everyone tells them not to do it, but they usually go ahead and do it anyway. Then they come back and say everyone was right, they shouldn't have done that, and now they feel 20 times worse--and that's regardless of whether the ex responded, or not.

 

So I hope you'll make the smart choice. It's not that we all want to be 'right,' it's honestly about not wishing for you any compounded pain.

 

Consider your best revenge to be a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resiliency and ability to bounce back from this and work toward building a fabulous life for yourself.

 

Head high, and baby steps. Write more if it helps.

[ShannonM10]

I have decided against sending the message, as I don't want to look weak and pathetic and set myself back all over again. I am trying to work on cognitive behavioural therapy in regards to my ruminating. The constant thoughts in my head of "was I that bad of a girlfriend that he jumped ship for someone he barely knew and walked away from a house with me?" " what did she have that I didn't?" "what did I do to deserve him flipping a switch and being so cold and nasty towards me when all I wanted was to make things easier for us?" etc. I need to stop worrying about her and what they may or may not have. Because at the end of the day, at least I know I was willing to try, and I never would treat someone I once loved the way he treated me at the end. I honestly don't know how he doesn't stop and think about me at times and is ashamed of the fact that he looked me in the eyes, lied to me repeatedly saying he wanted to try for two weeks, asked me to help him pay for the rent while he knew he was flying away with her the next day.....how do you not have any shame or guilt???? I guess I need to let it go because as much as I want to ask him these things, I will never get the answers...and he will continue to justify what he did and is probably in some form of lala honeymoon land.

[kbbcoop77]

Yup he's in lala honeymoon land and I know it sucks bad but you're doing great staying silent. Days turn to weeks then months and eventually he WILL fade. If you contact him it's a reset. Been there done that and yes it was her birthday and it got a little convo started but changed NOTHING and I felt like crap. So this year on her birthday I sent her zilch and felt much better. She actually sent me a birthday text lol and I deleted and never responded. Screw them that leave. Get some self respect rolling and know you deserve better..!

[catfeeder]

" what did she have that I didn't?"

 

It's not about what you didn't have. HE didn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens, so he was unable to appreciate your unique value.

 

You deserve better, and someday you'll find him.

[kudos]

Wow I really feel your pain.

I'm a few months ahead of you in my 'healing' and I asked every single question that you have mentioned. Being left for someone hurts so bad it nearly killed me. But we have dodged bullets!! After crying for months asking what I did wrong and what she had that I didn't im now so happy that he is no longer my problem. We don't want a man like that anyway. Stay no contact. Your probably still hoping he will come back but you need to stop. And stop waiting for then to break up. It stops you healing. I know it feels impossible but if not it hurts really bad when you find out there engaged with a baby on the way (as I did). It won't last, they aren't as happy as you think but it's not your problem now. You will get better and you will find better. Read my latest post if you like. It may help. Stay strong

[kudos]

And catfeeder it's lovely to see you still giving great advice and helping people out. You really helped me through this. Thank you.

[tammyburge]

I am sorry u are going through this. I am going through a brake up too but I have 25 years of pain to figure out. It seems like it is hopeless I know but you are the winner trust me. This is the way I look at it you are a good person and you have a beautiful heart and a person who can disrespect and disregard your feelings and your relationship with such ease is not worthy of you. As for the house think of it as a blessing in your favor . Make sure you get it in writing that he is not the Co owner then get a roommate to help you cover cost or move to an apartment and lease your house. The house is a investment in your future. The guy is not an adult he is not a person of good character and thank God you do not have to worry about him passing his dna off to your future children. The girl he is with, is the one who is in last place. She wants to build a life with someone who she knows lied and cheated on his girlfriend of five years. She is very insecure and clingy to him because she knows deep inside that whatever they have is built on a bad start. I know this is not what you wanted that you have five years of hopes and dreams invested in him. The truth is he is immature , selfish and will regret that he was so stupid some day . Please trust me if he can be so disloyal after five years then you can be sure that he is not the one. Your young and a beautiful person who will find someone who is loyal and thinks you are the greatest blessing in life. That is who u deserve.

[Wiseman2]

He's sounds a bit sleazy and irresponsible...sorta like a gigolo. It sounds like out of love, you over-invested. It's not about this other woman at all. It's about him looking for an easy ride and acting single but getting the perks of a relationship. Don't let anger and regret bind you to him. Let go. Find another guy who is financially and emotionally mature and responsible. Perhaps examine why you allowed this irresponsibility by compensating for it, so it doesn't happen again.

his truck broke down and we purchased the house. lent him my car. he was going to Calgary for 10 days. he left me in a bind with a house..my parents had to step in.

[ShannonM10]

It has been a long time since I have posted so I thought I would give an update. After I found out that news, I was obviously devastated all over againe and slipped into a tail spin. Constantly asking myself how I could spend 4.5 years with someone, never fight, laugh together, take trips together, honestly Im not making it up. We had a completely normal relationship. But anyways I digress, what I meant to say is how can you spend all that time together and then get engaged to a person you emotionally cheated on your best friend and common law gf not even a day to the day you broke up a year ago. Like they knew eachother for a YEAR!! and got engaged.

It was a huge slap in the face, to invest all that time with someone thinking you have a future and then they replace you literally over night and propose in 11 months. I felt worthless, like she had something I didnt, that he really was totally happy and moved on and that I really was not on his mind.

Well, mid January I am texting my friend in bed at like 11 at night, and his number pops up on my phone. I didnt even have a chance to react cause a) I was in shock and b) he hung up after one ring. I proceeded to message my friend and be like "!!". 20 min later, same thing. At first I thought maybe it was a pocket dial or his crazy fiance who sounded like a nutter from the begining. After that...another 20 min later my phone rings again..this time he doesnt hang up..it rings 4 times and then I swipe to ignore. No voicemail,no text explaining why hes calling me multiple times at midnight on a monday while engaged. Never heard anything since.

I did find out that she deleted all her social media...when that happened..but she eventually got it back and I dont ask or want to know anything anymore so have no idea.Obviously something went down and everythings smooth sailing again. On one hand it finally felt like validation..because not ONCE has he cracked and drunk dialed me or anything. On the other hand it pissed me off that he would call me and repeatedly...it wasnt an accident, it was obvious he was trying to get ahold of me.

The curiosity was driving me crazy but I am trying my best to forget it. I want so badly to hear him say he made a huge mistake....but I guess all I can take from it is that hes probably not has happy as I have imagined all this time. I still think about him alot, miss him alot...and it does seem so unfair that he hasnt suffered, as far AS i KNOW, this last year. I have been in more pain then I thought possible this last year, while he been galavanting with this chick who he overlapped me with without a thought.

Anyways, if he does try again, I havent decided if I will ignore or answer, I am very proud of myself for having the willpower to not..but..at the same time curious now and wonder what he wanted...as its now been two months. My friends all think its just a matter of time...all I know is, if I was his fiance and found that out...especially the way he went about getting with her...I would really wonder what kind of man I was marrying. Thats my news, sorry its not super positive, but on the brightside some validation was gained..and I am doing way way better then I was. I have met amazing men, dated, realised I am strong and attractive, meanwhile hes engaged to a girl thats not only desperate and lacks morals, but overweight and insecure. Also..shes engaged to a serial overlapper, and I constantly wonder if shes actually the one and he just happened to meet her while with me, but only time will tell. All I know is that karma works in mysterious ways and I hope one day he has to live with some of the consequences or guilt of ruining a really nice girls heart that loved him and whos family loved him and treated him like a son.

[ShatteredMan]

Shannon, he's not going to live with any consequences or guilt over what he's done to you. This is why and how he operates the way that he has.

 

You aren't the only one that this happened to and you didn't deserve it.

 

I think I can speak for many of us out here in that we are all proud that you had the willpower to ignore his calls. Its a bigger step forward than you think.

 

However, you're killing yourself with ruminating about him. As someone who's did this to themselves and didn't let go soon enough, please don't do this to yourself. Find something to bring into your life to replace the space that he and all the negativity that he brought to you.

 

I hope you continue to ignore him.

[Wiseman2]

Great you stayed no contact. Soon you will see that you dodged a bullet. And learned a lot. Don't over-invest or mommy anyone.

[boltnrun]

My ex (who dumped me and moved the girl he'd been cheating on me with into his house immediately) ALWAYS called me whenever the two of them got into a fight. At first I reacted like you...thought I was special, thought it was kind of wonderful that I was the one he turned to when he felt bad. But, silly me...I was only one of MANY of his exes he would call! It's like he went down a list and called Ex #1 (no answer), then called Ex #2 (no reply), called me, and my dumb butt would answer, all giddy because I thought it meant he'd realized he truly DID love and trust me! Then, the next day when they made up, it was Goodbye boltnrun! Until the next tiff. Only when I spoke to another one of his exes (who is a lovely girl, we are friends) and she told me he'd called HER several times during fights with his girlfriend! Well, that sure burst my bubble.

 

Except...it helped me to realize he had NOT changed. He still did what he wanted and took what he wanted and did NOT care if he hurt others.

 

It seems like your ex's character has not changed one bit. He still uses women to make himself feel better.

 

How could that be someone you want in your life?