Why do I miss ex who broke my heart?

[MissingKay]

Help I've been really missing my ex. Ended badly 6 months ago, thought I have thought about him during this time it has been more anger not love feelings.

 

I initiated NC soon after break up, but heard recently that he had broken up with the girl he cheated with. Although I don't want him back I can't stop thinking about him and missing him.

 

Any advice on how I can get back to not feeling this way? I deserve way better, my head gets it but why won't my heart listen? Why does my heart not remember every heartbreak it has gone through with this guys?

[Movingforward3]

It's what you leave behind. A piece of you that won't let go. I understand how you feel. I am at 6+months and I still miss her. Knowing it and feeling it in your heart completely different.

You must keep yourself busy. When I am not working hard or enjoying a hobby or busy with friends and family, I think of her more.

It does lessen over time. You have to change your perspective. You have better things ahead. They are broken and couldn't handle your love.

[reinventmyself]

Because no one is all bad.

You move forward with good memories and try to let go of the bad.

There is no quick fix. It's just part of the process.

Try to not wrestle with it so much. Accept it and it loosens it's grip.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

Many people will tell you its a mental addiction to the other person, and it does take time. I've heard there is a lot of power in forcing yourself to think of positive thoughts every time your ex comes to mind, to distract yourself. I tried it, but it's not easy and only after a year or so did that come natural. I highly recommend taking up something that you wouldn't have done otherwise. For me it was starting group exercises with my local gym, which didn't stop me from thinking about my ex, but was a source of meeting new people and getting my mindset on something that started to entertain me. Didn't hurt my figure either

[MissingKay]

Thank you guys it's nice to hear I'm not the only to have dealt with it. I'm completely conflicted, hate myself for how I feel, miss him but won't admit that i still love him. Loving him got us no where, there's no future either so admiring this a just a Waste of time and emotions...God knows I've wasted enough of both already.

 

Just wish there was a quick fix, a pill I could take and completely forget he ever was part of my life. This sucks!!!

[DepthOfField]

Is there anything you've done (or changed) in your life to help yourself move forward?

[MissingKay]

I was going to therapy but I felt the therapist spent too much time getting me to talk about the relationship and the pain that I felt miserable every time I went for my appointment and after. I was reliving all the pain on a weekly basis and the therapist didn't give me any strategies for coping out side the sessions. So I stopped therapy as it was messing up any progress I was making.

 

I've also taken up exercise, but havnt been for 2 weeks due to long hours at work.

 

Just feeling really fed up about having these feelings. Even when he is out of site I still can't seem to forget him. I can't believe i gave so much power over myself to someone. It will never happen again!!! Well that's if there's even anyone else out there for me Self pity doesn't help (I know) but I just feel low and disappointed with myself.

[DepthOfField]

Exercise is probably the best thing you can do for yourself to help you heal and benefit your body as a whole. Don't let work in the way of it.

 

Have you seen only one therapist? If so, have you thought about seeing another one? Each therapist is totally different. I took me to go through a few to find someone right for me.

[ParisPaulette]

Continue on with NC and let time heal you. Six months is still pretty early in the process and you need to move forward. Good that you know you wouldn't want him back, but remember sometimes our hearts are a whole lot slower than our brains at getting the memo someone is wrong for us. Keep focusing on you, focusing on healing, block and delete him, and don't let anyone give you "news" about him. That just sets you back.

 

It will get better, find some new exciting activity or hobby or skill to conquer as that can help tremendously. It gets you out of your head (a scary place, that, sometimes) and it's a lot harder to miss them when you're concentrating and enjoying learning something new.

[MissingKay]

Thank you all for the great advice and encouraging messages. I hadn't thought of trying a different therapist...silly I know!!! I have now booked an appointment with a new therapist, I start on Friday. Also worked out this evening and feel a lot better.

 

I have realised that when my self esteem is low, that's when I think about him most...when I'm feeling good about myself I either don't remember him or pity him. So working on rebuilding my self esteem (which was completely destroyed in the relationship) is my priority and will be key to my success.

 

Thank you all so much again. Hopefully I'll be posting a good news post in a few months/a year, all about how I made it through an unhealthy relationship and an awful breakup.

[skern]

It sounds as if you are still living in the past and romanticizing something that wasn't in reality as you remember. Best bet would be to work with a relationship coach, friend or mentor to get yourself refocused on you and what will be best for your future.

 

When you have a strategy in place, it will actually help you to focus better and will give a better feeling of control over the situation, the heartbreak and will limit the potential you'll slide back to be with him.

[skern]

It's understandable, either create tools essentially that can help you keep your wits about you, or I'm happy to quickly help you create a plan to get you to being whole again if you need it.

 

I'm available until about 11 EST today...with a couple pockets where I have sessions with other clients.

[MissingKay]

Thanks for the advice really appreciate it. Pulling myself out if self pity mode and taking helpful steps and actions to reclaim 'me'.

[Sportster2005]

Keep NC. Keep yourself busy. This too shall pass. Pretty standard advice. It's simple and effective. But pretty darn hard to do. Sometimes the only thing we can do is let time provide its magic healing power.

 

The worst thing you could do is contact him, or accept contact from him.

[SoulTaker]

Thanks for the advice really appreciate it. Pulling myself out if self pity mode and taking helpful steps and actions to reclaim 'me'.

 

It goes deeper than that. It's about how much you value yourself, as opposed to having it placed onto you by others. Of course you have to let "time" do its thing, but the more that you care about yourself, the easier it is to place behind you someone who lied to you, disrespected you, and broke the trust that the two of you had.

 

He's the one that should be wallowing in self-pity, not you.

[MissingKay]

Thank you Soultaker. You're absolutely right myself worth and self love is my ticket out of this. Thing is it was so broken during the relationship and during break up - the guy told me I he didn't find me attractive and that I was too fat for his taste (the same guy who was kissing me a few days before, and only realised this when he got caught). And yes he should be the one wallowing in self pity but he doesn't give a s**t.

 

I had a good session with the new therapist yesterday, it looks like they are going to be better fit than my previous therapist. Repositioning myself worth with me alone and not what others think, is the thing I want to work on the most. I'm continuing NC with the ex/anyone we had in common and will let therapy and time do its healing magic.

 

Ps. Having been in a dark place the past week, I have to say you guys (your kind words, the constructive advice and taking time out of your day to help out a complete stranger - me) have renewed my faith in humanity. There are good people out there I need to start believing it again. Thank you all.