I have no chance with women.....

[volution]

I have a problem. A very big problem. It is consuming me day, and night. I've become chronically depressed because of it. I've selfharmed, I've smashed up thousands of pounds of my possessions, I drive my car like a maniac, I feel like I'm in a prison of loneliness from which there seems no escape for the rest of my life. It is affecting my health badly, destroying me inside, and affecting my relatives.

 

The reason is, I feel like I have no chance with women.

Why do I say that?

 

These are my reasons:

 

1. I'm an excessively shy, emotional, spiritual person. I care about love, especially romantic love, more than anything else in the world.

 

2. I'm in my mid-20s, but my interests and beliefs tend to be shared with women older (usually about 10+ years) than myself. I want a serious, altruistic, lifelong, committed, faithful, honest relationship.

Because of stereotypes about age, I don't even get a chance to prove myself to the older women that I'm not a stereotype!

 

3. Online/Offline Dating/Matchmaking services - they are all age-based, and I've had very little response (ie: Less than 5 messages from people with similar interests) after over 2 serious, intensive years of trying them out! Because of my age, I mainly only got replies from immature girls only interested in partying and clubbing - I'm not interested in that at all.

 

4. Meeting Women in public/social gatherings - in the UK, it's hard to talk to women without being thought of as having an ulterior motive (ie. you want to get into bed with them straight away). You either need to have a genuine reason to talk to women in most places, or you'll be given the cold shoulder (or slap!). People are very closed off in this country. It's one reason why I'm hoping to move to the USA in the next few years. (My ex-girlfriend (only ever girlfriend, for a few months) was American). Everybody is so more friendly in the USA. Over here, people would rather kick you in the balls than say "Hi", "How are you" or "Good Morning".

 

5. Interest Groups - Again, the UK has a problem a big problem, that problem being that groups/seminars/talks etc. related to my (spiritual, metaphysical etc.) interests are VERY FEW AND FAR BETWEEN - ie: maybe a couple a year which I could get to. In the USA, there are so many groups etc., I could probably get to a group every week if not a couple of times a week. (I've researched into groups etc. in the USA and the UK).

 

6. The Dichotomy of Attachment and Detachment - Some people say "Love happens when you least expect it", "You can't find love... love finds you" etc. They are saying that you should just get on with life, and somehow love will magically occur.

But other people say "You've got to make an effort", "Get out there and meet women" etc. Two mutually exclusive viewpoints which I'm utterly torn betwixed and between. It's a vicious cycle, I'm stuck in an infinite regress between these two beliefs, and it's wearing me down.

 

7. What Goes Around Comes Around - a lot of people say that if you put love out into the world, not necessarily romantic love, then it will eventually come back to you. Be 'good enough' for long enough, then you will receive a reward. I want to believe in this, I do, but I can't. I used to believe in it, but because of getting so wound up about 1-6, I can't believe in it anymore.

 

8. Self-Love - I know about self-love, and respecting yourself. That you must first love yourself before you can love another. I'm so utterly depressed and drained because all of the above 1-7, though, that I cannot find the strength to love myself anymore.

 

9. My ex-girlfriend, she was 38. She was the only person in the whole of my life I had been intimate and truly in love with. (I have endured years of unrequitement previously). Every day, she would profess her 'eternal love' to me, that 'I was the only guy in the whole of her life she had ever wanted to have children with', and she couldn't wait for me to marry her and live with her in America. Then suddenly, one day, she went weird and didn't love me anymore. I did know she had problems, especially from her past, but the way this ended - it almost totally destroyed me, I considered suicide on several occasions. The relationship ended in December, but I'm still not over it totally. The way this ended has totally destroyed my faith and belief in love. I swear on my life, on my soul, that Lucifer himself can come now and I will freely give my soul to his eternal torment, if I speak insincerely: I would have loved this woman forever. For the rest of my life. I would have stood by her and our children. I would have been utterly faithful and loyal and monogamous. Yet, with all these good intentions, I was thrown into the gutter like an unwanted pet.

 

These are the main reasons that I feel like I have no chance with women.

 

I need serious help, and quickly. I've already damaged myself with a hammer again this evening, because I felt so low.

I've seen a psychiatrist recently but they weren't much help. All I get is keep getting shunted around to different places and I have to waste hours of my time reliving and explaining the depths of my torment time and time again. And no, I would never touch anti-depressants. I've always known they mess you up BIGTIME. My friend was on them and he's been weird ever since, and a survey published today people are twice as likely to kill themselves WHILST TAKING THEM!

I'm a spiritual person, and I should be able to rise above this. But I've been so badly affected by all I have explained - that I cannot see much hope ahead. Everyone pisses me off by saying "Oh, you're so young" and "You've got your whole life ahead of you" and other such crass cliched lines. I cannot see anything ahead. If I knew what to do, I would do it. All I do know is the company of utter frustration, and dire hopelessness, which is making me so angry inside that I have no choice but to vent it by harming myself.

 

I may be one for self-pity and high drama, but I'm clinging to the edge of sanity and this life with but a narrow, weak thread. I'm so desperate.

All my life I have EVER cared about is LOVE. And yet, LOVE seems so distant, so far away, that my life means nothing to me.

 

If anyone can help me, advise me on how I can get out of this dreadful hell-hole that is my present life, I am indebted.

[Beec]

Well, my first suggestion would be for you to learn about why people love, why people get into what we think of as relationships, in which we claim love is involved. Different people have different ideas. I have my own. You can go through my posts and you will see that I repeat some thoughts and ideas over and over again. Some may not agree with what I think, and that's fine.

 

But, if you consider what love is and how we get into relationships, then I think you come up with your own answers on No. 6 above.

 

My ideas about love and dating are that what we really need to pay attention to is how the other person feels. If they feel the right way, they will want to be with and love you. In some circumstances, you could manipulate the other persons feelings out of something other than love and caring towards them, but then you will have a very lopsided relationship. If you manipualte their feeligns by acting out of lvoe and caring, then I think you possibly have a good basis for a continuing relationship. Which to my thinking, all means you can go out and hunt down love, if you have an idea how to motivate someone to have the right feelings. Some may disagree.

 

As far as No.1, I think love comes from out interactions with other people and a lot of our interactions depends on social skills. Shy is something that you can work on changing. You can work on being better in covnersations, mingling, etc. This may help in other ways.

[tanned_production]

I probably dont have much to say, since I'm only 16, but your post caught my eye.

 

Personally. I think you have some amazing qualities... you seem like a great guy that any girl would be LUCKY to have... girls must be pretty blind in the uk

 

Anyways, thats all I have to say.. words of encouragement.

 

I know that you'll find "her" one day... promise!

 

haha talk to you later.

 

Good luck!

[HajiMaji]

Bro, im admitting to you i didnt read your entire post. Heres a few thoughts.

 

1) You are freakin out man. I know how it is, i was there too. When you are freaking out, sometimes its even hard to realize you are doing so. Its even harder to have the humility to chill out. When you are freaking out, realize you need to chill out. Everything still sucks but you just to try to be as calm as you can. You cant progress when you are freaking out.

 

2) You just broke up with a girlfriend. It is febuary. That isnt a lot of time for healing. Some people can do it, but not me. Its been 6 months and im still definitely not healed. Realize that you are hurting from this and need to get past it.

 

3) You are glorifying yourself a little. Of course you would have loved her forever. Thats how all of us feel about our ex's. Its a beautiful thing to feel, but in no way does it make it us "above" being heartbroken. Sadly enough you cant genuinely, deeply and passionately love a woman and have the relationship be garenteed. Just cause you have good intentions doesnt make you unworthy of heartbreak. This is everyones story.

 

4) I hear a lot of excuses. I know after my ex broke up with me i made excuses up similar to you. Lots of people in thier 20's do look for commited relationships that could potentially develop into marrige. I know i do. There are lots of 22 - 27 year olds married at my work. Its not uncommon.

 

4b) You bring up these interests, and i dont understand. Your interests seclude you from the world in some way? I mean - if you arent relateable that is your fault, not the rest of the world's fault. Not trying to be mean here, i just know i use to be like that. I felt alone cause i felt like no one was similar to me. Once i became an adult and realized how to relate with people, i felt even more unique but i no longer felt alone.

 

Man dude, i feel for ya. Id say try to chill out tonight and the rest of the weekend.

[Caldus]

Um, volution, I hate to say this but if you're hurting yourself with a hammer then the issues go deeper than that. You really do need to work on your self-esteem a bit before you even think about approaching women. I'm afraid that once you finally find a date, you will be so attached to her right away and you will scare her off. Then you will be in a much worse state than before. People say learn to love yourself because if you don't then your happiness in life will depend on your partner. That is never a good thing. I would get some professional help if I were you. Back when I was depressed in high school I got professional help from counselors and a psychologist. They all put me in the right direction for the rest of my life and I'm eternally thankful for it. If you have the time and money, please invest some in someone who can help you with your depression, etc.

 

6. The Dichotomy of Attachment and Detachment - Some people say "Love happens when you least expect it", "You can't find love... love finds you" etc. They are saying that you should just get on with life, and somehow love will magically occur.

But other people say "You've got to make an effort", "Get out there and meet women" etc. Two mutually exclusive viewpoints which I'm utterly torn betwixed and between. It's a vicious cycle, I'm stuck in an infinite regress between these two beliefs, and it's wearing me down.

 

Yeah it's confusing I know. I noticed the same thing. I personally believe that you just need to get out there and meet people. However, if you're just meeting people with the intention of getting a girlfriend then it probably won't happen. I don't believe love happens when you least expect it. Love happens when you get out there and meet people but you don't hope that the next girl you meet is "the one". That is just my opinion and I'm sure some will disagree. I've noticed that I've always had some success with women whenever I actually go meet one and talk to her. Sometimes it leads to a date!

 

I'm not so sure if I believe you about the women in UK comment. Maybe the way you're approaching them is wrong. I mean c'mon. Lots of people love meeting new people. People love to talk about themselves. Ask them questions about them and after that they will dominate the conversation. Maybe you just need to work on your approach a bit.

 

But before you think about all of that, please try to get some help for your depression. Believe me, you will be glad you did. I've been down that depression hole and it just gets worse and worse. It never ends until you make a conscious effort to get rid of it. And women are not the answer!

[arrowbee]

I know how you feel. Women over forty are crazy about me.

 

I think we are both gonna be hot stuff when we hit forty - if we last that long.

[al7]

Well, my first suggestion would be for you to learn about why people love, why people get into what we think of as relationships, in which we claim love is involved.

 

Very true. I wont go deep but in order to get love from a woman, you have to offer somehting. Looks/job/confidence/humor...or at least a promise of those.

You didnt say you lack any of those. I think if you have some of the qualities, you need just to "advertise" them in a better way.

You see, what people actully want is not what they can say out loud...

So make a list of qualities you have that can be attractive (like above)

and try to compose a good profile using it.

[al7]

I know that you'll find "her" one day... promise

 

you see some people think it is better to be polite and cheer somebody up then be honest.

Both are good, she is polite.. you like honesty.

I prefer honesty too, though if we say anything to her, we automatically would be impolite, which is the biggest sin in her list.