Boyfriends overbearing mother. HELP!

[LC8328]

I have an 18-year-old son and I am pretty protective over him, since I was a single mom for a long time, and I am admittedly a bit demanding of him (working on that).

 

Yet even I...will have to side with you on this one, OP.

 

Because the things I read about how his mom reacts when he can't come, her expectations etc, this reeks to me of a sort of dynamic that has been weaving for years and years, the kind that is pretty hard to untangle. She is being incredibly selfish by not considering the fact that her son needs to be free to live his own life. Yes of course family is important but to *expect* his participation every weekend is a bit unrealistic to me. Different if he wants to come by on his own every week. But for his mom to expect it, and for everyone to go to extremes thinking he doesn't love them etc when he doesn't come over...yeah that's extreme and it's unhealthy.

 

How does he actually feel about this? Does he think his mother is demanding? Does he know how you feel about it? (Sorry if I missed that part in previous posts.)

 

YOu would certainly need to talk to him about all this, but if he can't understand it then you might want to think of parting ways with him, because like I said earlier this is not a dynamic easily de-tangled. If things were to change it would only come about with a LOT of effort, frustration, crying, etc. But it all depends on how he feels about it.

 

I am sorry about this mess and I think you should sit down to think about whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you.

[bulletproof]

It would totally be different if there was anything else going on but everyone just sits in a circle and entertains the kids and encourages bad behavior like yelling running spitting water at everyone and eating a dozen munchkins . And no one can reprimand him bc he just fake cries and they all flip out. Its a very stressful environment especially if you're not child oriented like me and if any kids in my family acted like that they would sell us to the zoo.

 

It sounds more like you don't like how they spend their time (and thus, your time with them) than anything else.

Is this scenario you describe once a week? For how many hours?

 

If it's only once a week for a few hours, then I'm not sure I agree that it's too much. However, you could take steps to make it better. Why don't you and your bf offer to take the kids somewhere fun, like a park, or a kids' museum, the movies, etc.? Then maybe you can enjoy yourself, too. Or bring something fun for you all to do together. Or offer to make/bring a better lunch than Munchkins.

 

If you just don't want to be there at all, then your bf and his mother will have to deal with that. But I really don't think him spending one day a week with his family (if that's what it is) playing with his nephew is that shocking or detrimental.

[Blue_Skirt]

Speak with your boyfriend how you feel about this situation. It’s great to have a good contact with your family, but I could not do this.

[mhowe]

I love my nephew to pieces ---- but if he lived local, I would not give up every Sat morning of the year to watch him play. That is beyond the beyond.

[abitbroken]

Well, that's a bit of a stretch IMO. It is somewhat about OP. After all, her boyfriend decides to dedicate more tiem with his family/nephew than HER.

 

I think it's important that relationships are people's priority, clearly OP doesn't feel like she is a priority (her nephew/mom are).

 

This is about the boyfriend setting boundaries with his family - not simply not showing in order to please HER instead of them because he is a pleaser, but to honestly set a boundary with them and how he will be treated by them because he wants to. Otherwise, if he simply is a no show to spend time with her, she will be cast as the influencer and the enemy and if for some reason they don't work out or she is out of town that week, he will go right back to kowtowing too

 

Because if he simply "drops out" to spend time with her, she will be the enemy even if it is his choice. He needs to be the gate keeper on himself.

 

The reason why I said this is that my ex could talk pretty sympathetically towards me when we were alone - about how crazy his family was, how they just sort of mowed over, how they whined when they didn't have their way. He sounded very reasonable and convincing that he didn't like how things were, that he really wanted a quiet morning/evening like I did, etc. But when the chips were down, he told them he/we couldn't come because I wasn't feeling well or something rather than really standing up and speaking to them about things or saying "you know, I can't come saturday morning, but I have plans with nephew on Wednesday, have a nice saturday". Obviously, things would unravel later when I wasn't informed that the lie was that I was sick and people inquired into my health and I didn't know what they were speaking of, or when he was with them and I was not around, things were slanted towards me being the controller.

 

This is something he needs to navigate if he eventually wants a wife, whether it is her or someone else if she eventually has enough.

 

So, it is "not" really about her or what she does - it is all him. She is on the periphery of this as she will be either cast as the enemy or controller or disinterested. But it all comes down to how HE works this. It is up to her if she either decides she is up for this life - or decides that she is not and leaves.

 

I have a disabled aunt and one time a week mom goes and spends one on one time with her. Everyone rotates. Sometimes she sees her other times during the week because she wants to visit, but that one time a week is an obligation - the siblings, surviving great aunt, etc, rotate and each have a time to be with her to help her out. It doesn't matter if dad has something going or dad would rather sit and not entertain us when we were younger at that time. He turned things around by making it his day to take us somewhere or do something with us. You can turn it around and make it the day you do something in particular. But the problem with that is unless your boyfriend also sets a boundary - rather than you just being absent, even if you do decide to split on saturday mornings, you are going to get the "she doesn't care" thing. Its inevitable.

 

Another thing you can do is participate more. Suck it up and bring something over for the nephew - get involved with him. Be a kid yourself and play, too. but THAT backfires as well. The kids in my ex's family - I was darned if I did, darned if I don't. I was okay for a period of time but it was felt I crossed the line "oh, you are not his aunt, who are you to tell the kid this" - as in if the kid pinched or tugged at me, I corrected him (ouch! that's not nice) or "stop doing that to me) i would get wrath. Or one time they were trying to get the kids to leave and they kept hiding their shoes and what not or stalling by asking for one more snack. I told the one little kid "here, we didn't get to try this candy. I am going to put it in a little bag, and later when you try it, tell me next time all about how you liked it" they said "oh, you denied the child. how dare you".

 

You won't and can't win so long as he doesn't solve it with his family.

 

Because his mother pesters him and guilts him, etc, it is more than just going/not going.

 

you keep your eyes wide open on the dynamics of this family, okay? Be aware for the long term and if this is the family you want to marry into or not

[Snny]

Mom is the Queen Bee of the hive, and your boyfriend is a worker bee (aka The Whipping Boy). It is a MAJOR glaring red flag and exceedingly inappropriate that she is attempting to exert her control onto you. This behavior should not be ignored and needs to be called out. Until the boyfriend learns to set boundaries with people - starting with his family - your relationship with him will not survive. Guaranteed. You can talk to him, but because of his mother's behavior and dominance within his family dynamic, there is a slim chance he will listen to you AND stand up to her.

 

She has no business throwing you and your boyfriend under the bus for not wanting to come over. Tough S. Healthy adults know how to handle their own disappointments and anger. That is her own problem to work through. In addition, you are a guest in her house and should be treated as such. Shame on them for not doing so. You are not someone else's spawn care taker. You are not married to your boyfriend and are not apart of their family, and she needs to be RESPECTFUL of that. If this is how they are treating you now, this is how they WILL treat you when you marry him. It won't change. You really should be thinking twice about marrying this guy since he hasn't done anything to stand up for you like a good boyfriend.

 

Sorry OP, this relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. You should not put up with this petty, guilt-tripping, emotional blackmailing crap from him and his family. With a toxic relationship like this, it is extremely doubtful your boyfriend will change or enforce his relationship boundaries with his family even if you talk to him. Even if he does, you will always be viewed as a threat for a very long time.

 

You are in a lose-lose situation. It's time to step out and find a real man. One with some balls who isn't afraid to assert relationship boundaries.

[abitbroken]

Mom is the Queen Bee of the hive, and your boyfriend is a worker bee (aka The Whipping Boy). It is a MAJOR glaring red flag and exceedingly inappropriate that she is attempting to exert her control onto you. This behavior should not be ignored and needs to be called out. Until the boyfriend learns to set boundaries with people - starting with his family - your relationship with him will not survive. Guaranteed. You can talk to him, but because of his mother's behavior and dominance within his family dynamic, there is a slim chance he will listen to you AND stand up to her.

 

She has no business throwing you and your boyfriend under the bus for not wanting to come over. Tough S. Healthy adults know how to handle their own disappointments and anger. That is her own problem to work through. In addition, you are a guest in her house and should be treated as such. Shame on them for not doing so. You are not someone else's spawn care taker. You are not married to your boyfriend and are not apart of their family, and she needs to be RESPECTFUL of that. If this is how they are treating you now, this is how they WILL treat you when you marry him. It won't change. You really should be thinking twice about marrying this guy since he hasn't done anything to stand up for you like a good boyfriend.

 

Sorry OP, this relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere. You should not put up with this petty, guilt-tripping, emotional blackmailing crap from him and his family. With a toxic relationship like this, it is extremely doubtful your boyfriend will change or enforce his relationship boundaries with his family even if you talk to him. Even if he does, you will always be viewed as a threat for a very long time.

 

You are in a lose-lose situation. It's time to step out and find a real man. One with some balls who isn't afraid to assert relationship boundaries.

 

I agree with this 100%

 

I want to add that there are men who have impossible mothers, but have grown, have matured and have found ways to manage her or to set boundaries with her - I have known several who actually had very productive lives with their own families (wife, kids) and saw mom in limited doses - as in, not alone, always with other relatives or buffers and never stayed a moment to long. I also know men who are the opposite, like this boyfriend. He may give lipservice to wanting something different, but nothing ever changes. And any attempts by you to try to "teach" him boundaries with mom won't work.

 

Trust me, for your own sanity, this is not a family you want to marry into.