She wears revealing clothing

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note: Please stay on topic, and avoid engaging in personal arguments/debates with other members.

[tiredofvampires]

So I take it you're saying for you, it's really not a jealousy issue of guys gawking and worrying about your territory being invaded. It's more about how you want to present yourself, and feel your partner has the same stylistic sense.

 

I can sympathize with that more, because I was once with a guy who dressed kind of like a high school teenager, and he was in his 40's, and it felt just a bit embarrassing. It still wasn't a dealbreaker, because ultimately, I felt as though strangers judging him don't know him personally, so their opinion is less important than my own and as long as he was able to interact in a decent way with those I am closer and more personal with, and he's a gentleman at heart whatever he wears, that's what really matters.

 

I think then in this case it would boil down to how often the person presented themselves that way, and when (in what setting, etc.). One shirt does not a habit make.

 

Anyway, the OP specifically said he was concerned about the boys at school "gawking." So we'll wait for him. Oh, and OP: her being in school doesn't mean more gawking. Men will gawk plentifully until they croak, lol.

[Helpexpressme]

So I take it you're saying for you, it's really not a jealousy issue of guys gawking and worrying about your territory being invaded. It's more about how you want to present yourself, and feel your partner has the same stylistic sense.

 

I can sympathize with that more, because I was once with a guy who dressed kind of like a high school teenager, and he was in his 40's, and it felt just a bit embarrassing. It still wasn't a dealbreaker, because ultimately, I felt as though strangers judging him don't know him personally, so their opinion is less important than my own and as long as he was able to interact in a decent way with those I am closer and more personal with, and he's a gentleman at heart whatever he wears, that's what really matters.

 

I think then in this case it would boil down to how often the person presented themselves that way, and when (in what setting, etc.). One shirt does not a habit make.

 

Anyway, the OP specifically said he was concerned about the boys at school "gawking." So we'll wait for him. Oh, and OP: her being in school doesn't mean more gawking. Men will gawk plentifully until they croak, lol.

 

I will agree with you there, one shirt does not a habit make. She may be a very nice girl lol

[tiredofvampires]

Thanks for the clarification, Helpexpress.

 

I like to learn from these threads how people think and why they think the way they do. For me, sometimes you can't advise until you understand how people are thinking (and the different slants).

[Seymore]

I've been in that situation before. If I feel what my girlfriend was wearing was a little too see through or showy, the most I'd do is say "you're gonna wear that?", or if she asked my opinion I'd tell her up front, but I'd never say "don't/you can't wear that", because she's gonna be at whatever event with me anyway.

 

Now of she was wearing a piece of butt floss and a short skirt and bending over, that's just tasteless and I think any guy would be uncomfortable with that.

[Capricorn3]

Wonder if the OP has been scared off or coming back. OP, any updates?

[itsallgrand]

I wonder if when you say school you mean she is going to high school?

 

And is this nude beach girl who wanted to go with a 40 year old dude but didn't want you to come, nor you to see her at the nude beach?

[jessie89]

If it makes you that unhappy that guys will stare at her, then break up with her. My ex couldn't stand me wearing any sort of fitted clothes (and I mean ANYTHING) because if it showed off an inch of my shape, "guys would look."

 

It put so much unnecessary stress on our relationship and caused many arguments. Got to the point where I dreaded going to the gym, because the issue of my gym pants would always cause him to start an argument. Never ever again.

 

So yeah.. Either suck it up and trust your girlfriend more, or leave and find someone who dresses the way you want.

[Raoul]

So if I don't want to be with a girl that dresses like she's single and going to a club, then what?

 

Then stop seeing her. You don't get to control other people.

[tpaine]

I agree with the other posters. This guy is really insecure. My bf is like this too and it drives me crazy. I guess some guys have it in their heads and if a girl is confident in her body and likes attention that it means she is looking for it elsewhere. And while some may be, others of us are not. You have to know your gf to know whether or not you can trust her. And if she has proven herself trustworthy then you have nothing to worry about. If not, then maybe you do. But omg, do not ASSUME anything!

[Feast]

Agree... Surprised by the opinions in this topic. The guy is concerned about this ONE shirt, he's not telling her how to dress or trying to control her.

 

So she wears this when their out, even though she knows it bothers him, that's not good. If a GF hates one of my shirts and tells me, it's gone. Doing the small things to make each other happy is important.

[Seymore]

Agree... Surprised by the opinions in this topic. The guy is concerned about this ONE shirt, he's not telling her how to dress or trying to control her.

 

So she wears this when their out, even though she knows it bothers him, that's not good. If a GF hates one of my shirts and tells me, it's gone. Doing the small things to make each other happy is important.

 

I agree with this. If my girlfriend asked me to get rid of one of my shirts, I'd toss it. Now, if she used that as an excuse to start to change every little thing, I guess it wouldn't be good.

 

It all comes down to trust. I know that there's a girl put there who I wouldn't care how she dressed even if it was revealing, because I would trust her. I hope I meet her. I've just met a lot of untrustworthy girls and that is whay makes me feel insecure.

[tiredofvampires]

I can't imagine disliking a shirt enough that it would make me happy for my boyfriend to discard it for my sake.

 

God help me that I should ever become such a Princess, especially if he likes that shirt.

[Seymore]

I can't imagine disliking a shirt enough that it would make me happy for my boyfriend to discard it for my sake.

 

God help me that I should ever become such a Princess, especially if he likes that shirt.

 

I can't really picture a shirt a guy could wear that would make a woman uncomfortable. Then again, depending on what country you live in, different things/dress styles are considered inappropriate.

 

It's kind of a silly thing to obsess over, unless it really is considered inappropriate. I'd be miffed if my girl was wearing a plunging neckline to church.

 

Guys are gonna look even if a girl is wearing a sweater. Can't stop the world.

[Feast]

GFs I've had seem to enjoy buying me shirts, shoes, etc. it's not always quite to my taste but unless it's bright pink or something I'll wear it at least a few times. Then when there's a big night out she'll say, "can you wear that shirt I bought you? It looks so nice on you." When you think about it it's essentially the same thing as what all the gals here are complaining about, trying to control how someone dresses, it's just done more politely. Do I care or am I upset by it - heck no. Give this guy a break, he dislikes ONE shirt!

[tiredofvampires]

I have never in my entire life bought an article of clothing for a boyfriend, thinking, "I would like to see him in this." It's an alien thought to me. On a very RARE occasion, I've bought something like a t-shirt, and the thinking behind it was, "I think he would like this." It was about something that I thought he would enjoy, not about something I would enjoy. To me, those are very different perspectives. And if he wears it, I'm happy I chose something he likes. I'd never ask him to wear it though, and if he didn't, I'd assume he's not into it. I certainly wouldn't want him to wear it just to please me, he has to feel like it suits him. I take no pleasure in someone outfitting themselves for my sake, grinning and bearing it if it's not something he really likes, for me -- that does nothing for me. To me that feels very...self-serving and weird. Dressing my boyfriend would feel like I'm his mother and he's a toddler, or like he's a mannequin I'm trying to put out in a store window for display, or I'm dressing him like a Ken doll, and all these are really very unappealing and a bit incomprehensible to me.

 

If my guy wears something of his own that he really likes, then I certainly tell him how good he looks in it. But that's it.

 

I have disliked things partners wore though. Classic polo shirts...no thank you. Kelly green polo shirt? Worse still, and yes, that shirt was so bad I still remember it 10 years later. Didn't even say a word about it. He wouldn't be wearing it if he didn't like it, and I would be loathe for him to stop wearing a shirt HE likes because every time I look at it, I cringe a bit. He's in the shirt, and I like him, so I think I can make it through the day, I'm a big girl like that. And to me, if he knew how I felt, and continued to wear it anyway, I'd say good for him, I shouldn't have that much to say about what he's wearing.

 

I certainly do believe in give and take in a relationship. People should be willing to sacrifice certain things for their partner, absolutely. And making a partner happy is way important. But how I choose to care for my own body, my own enjoyment of self-presentation is not for another person to manipulate to their liking imho. And my wanting my boyfriend to wear or not wear a certain shirt is petty as all get-up, so that's me choosing my battles. If I'm that interested in a shirt, someone knock some sense into me (unless it has some deeply offensive racial slur or something on it, in which case, we wouldn't be dating.)

 

Of course, my not liking a green polo shirt and the OP not liking his gf's loose, revealing top aren't the same issue. Because the OP's issue is more of a values issue, and my not liking a green polo shirt is a simpler question of aesthetics. So the values of the OP and his gf conflict, and that implies more than just one shirt. Which is why I've said, I think there's a core incompatibility here.

 

If your gf likes to dress you up and you're fine with that, or even dig it, I say to each their own.

[Blue_Skirt]

Where has the OP gone?

[tiredofvampires]

I notice the OP's last activity was less than an hour after he posted this thread.

 

Some threads are just like that.

 

Hopefully he'll be back to see all the ideas and POV's he might take into consideration.

[Feast]

Hopefully the OP will give an update. Vampire, I agree with you, normally i wouldn't say anything either to a GF about disliking an article of clothing or tell her she's showing too much. I've been thinking lately not talking about these little things, letting them go, is ultimately defeating because you end up with a whole pile of little things that stop the relationship from progressing to the next level. So anyway, I think it's good he tried to talk to her about it. The successful relationships I've seen are able to talk out issues like this. Not good she didn't take it seriously or try in someway to fix this.

[Blue_Skirt]

Vampire, I agree with you,

She is NOT a vampire, she is tired of them, lol

[Feast]

She is NOT a vampire, she is tired of them, lol

 

Oh man, that's funny!

[tiredofvampires]

Haha, yeah -- I think the reason this particular thread strikes a major nerve with me is that I HAVE had boyfriends who felt threatened and jealous in a way that was like they sort of owned me. From a very early age, this was unacceptable to me. My high school boyfriend, who was in the army, proudly gave me a dog tag that read, "I belong to a soldier" with some kind of insignia on it. I was in love with this guy and didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I yanked it off my neck when I got home, put it in my jewelry box as a memento, and never wore it again. Every time I looked at it though, it provoked feelings of indignation.

 

A few years ago, a woman in my neighborhood showed off a new set of earrings her boyfriend had gotten her. They were silver and engraved with initials. When I asked her why those weren't her initials, she said they were his. She adored them, said that's so sweet, and I politely said, they're very nice...while thinking, thank GOD my head isn't made of glass, because this is mortifying to me. EEK and WOW.

 

These examples may sound more extreme than what's going on with the OP, but I think they are very similar. I think it's a kind of way of laying claim to someone else -- and therefore, an extension of one's egotism -- to think of one's partner as being a public reflection/representation of one's own taste, or as territory.

 

One of the said possessive bf's I had enjoyed buying me jewelry, and things to wear. And it was quite a conflicted feeling because even though I *appreciated* the gesture, when I wore it and he said, "Look how beautiful you look in it!", I felt it was more about him enjoying his own taste and giving himself a pat on the back somehow. It didn't really feel like it was about me.

 

I have no desire to embarrass my partner, and do feel that it's disrespectful for someone to blatantly dress in an inappropriate manner for a given occasion, but if my style or dress or whatever I do with my body of a daily basis embarrasses him, or makes a "statement" which he finds offensive to our relationship simply by revealing parts of my body, we should not be together.

 

Maybe the OP's girlfriend feels similarly about such things. Could be other things, but could be this.

 

I don't think these are small issues. They are about more than just a shirt, even though the shirt is the symbol of the mindset and values. Maybe others don't see it that way -- in which case, the principle behind this isn't as important to them. It's a matter of what things matter to each of us most.

 

As I said earlier in the thread, Feast, I think it's good the OP talked to his gf about this. Talking and communication are essential. He had to tell her what matters to him. And her response was, basically, thank you for sharing -- but this is non-negotiable for me. So he came here to ask what does he do now, now that he's asked but she hasn't conceded and most people here said, clearly this means enough to you that this is an impasse and you then need to break up with her. This is why, Feast, it's not "just a shirt." If it were such a "small" matter, that should go both ways. He could have said, "Well, okay. It's just one shirt I don't like, oh well" and dropped it, just as easily as she could have said, "Well, alright, it's just one shirt, so I won't wear it." Who you're siding with there is an indication of your own bias.

 

Maybe OP hasn't come back because he's already dumped her. "Over ONE shirt."

 

That certainly would be his prerogative.

[Tanzi]

I think it's ridiculous that the OP should leave his g/friend because he does not like her shirt.

 

To be fair, the reason it was suggested he broke up with her is because he said this .....

 

So if I don't want to be with a girl that dresses like she's single and going to a club, then what?

 

You keep mentioning about her breasts hanging out but they weren't exactly hanging out of the shirt. When she bent over or knelt (forwards most likely) she showed more than the OP would like but that doesn't equate to her boobs hanging out.

 

If she kneels or bends over you can see everything up to but not including her nipples.

[youareworthy]

Hi y'all.

 

I have a sad story and a funny story to tell about such matters.

 

Sad first

 

While I was married to an abusive man, he became fascinated by a historic religious group. Throughout the centuries, this denomination has generally encouraged women to wear their hair long, not short, and the clergy have long hair and beards. In his extremism, my ex interpreted these historical traditions to mean that both men and women should NEVER cut their hair, period, like an Old Testament Nazirite vow (no cutting hair or beard, no drinking alcohol, no eating grapes, raisins, or meat, and no sex/marrying--Nazirites were the early Jewish version of monks, basically.) (John the Baptist was a Nazirite.). My ex stopped shaving and cutting his hair, and "strongly encouraged" me to abide by his interpretation of these customs, though it was not at all typical in the US, even in our particular denomination. I was trying hard to obey God and "submit" to the spiritual headship in the home, so I never cut my hair. It grew very, very long (I could sit on it). I am blessed with VERY thick, VERY curly hair, and because it was so long, it would take about an hour to comb out, even when I kept it braided. I was working 30 hours a week and going to university full-time, and I simply didn't have an hour a day to comb my hair! Consequently, I did a barely passable job of grooming it and it looked like crap a lot of the time. I was very embarrassed, very mortified. (As a side note, I hated his hair and beard so long, but I would never DREAM of telling another adult how to style his hair or beard.)

 

Every time I spoke to him about this, and told him how uncomfortable I felt, he would tell me that I was lazy and slovenly for not combing my hair an hour a day, that I was unsubmissive, that I wasn't serious about our faith, and that I was capitulating to modern American culture. None of that was true: this had nothing to do with sloth, God, faith, or culture. It had to do with power, control and abuse.

 

After putting up with this bullying for far too long, I finally wised up and decided that it was my hair, that I knew God was fine with me, regardless of the length of my hair, that my church would have zero objection to my having short hair, and that this was HIS issue. I went and got my hair cut. He saw it for the first time when I walked into a restaurant to join him and his mom for dinner. As soon as he saw me, his eyes lit up, and he said, "I love your haircut!" It was the first "genuine" thing he had said on the topic. At that point it was transparent that he was full of it.

 

This is one of thousands of examples of someone so insecure, so damaged, that he has to control everything about his partner. Thank God I left!!!! Now, I wouldn't dream of turning the control of something so fundamental as my hair or clothing over to another person like that. I do dress neatly and appropriately for the occasion, but I pick what I wear. I pick how my hair looks. I pick what job I do, where I live, what I eat. I am (finally) in charge of myself. And for me, my freedom to choose these things is not about feminism, independence or rebellion. It is about boundaries, respect, and simple humanity.

 

Funny story

 

An anthropologist (maybe Margaret Mead, don't recall) was working among a tribe of people in a very warm climate. For both men and women, the clothing consisted solely of a single, narrow leather string tied around the natural waistline. No other "bits" were covered, for either gender. After working with this group of people for several years, she finally worked up the courage to ask one of her native friends why their tribe bothered to don this article of clothing at all, since it didn't seem to accomplish much of anything. Eyes widening with shock, her friend exclaimed, "If we didn't wear these, we would be NAKED!"

[itsallgrand]

haha great funny story!!

Sounds like my kind of tribe!!