Help!

[Wetash]

I got close to a guy suddenly,, he was in a phase where he wanted to get back with his girlfriend who had broken up with him.. he used to tell all of us that he ll go with her if she calls him even if he was with another girl..which he had done once before.. basically he was really in love with her.. and I knew everything about them cause he used to call me and my friend and cry about the whole thing everytime he was drunk..

suddenly things changed between us, and both of us started liking each other. It was genuine only. I never liked him first, but we spent too much time together and he always used to come for me.. and then we got committed. and I told him before telling yes that I am very scared because of everything he has told me about his ex girlfriend. he told me that was long time ago. i left it. but another day he came and lied to me about drinking, and suddenly I got worried about his ex again. and I trusted him , but I wanted to make sure that him and that girl were not in the phase where she was still jealous of me or him moving on. So i checked his messages.. and they had messaged about me.. she had told that she missed him and stuff. Thing is he deleted her messages and gave them to me. And I got worried then. I asked him directly and told i saw the messages. I asked if u guys will keep talking like this, she still says i miss u and stuff.. he first got irritated i saw his phone, and he said they were friends before that, so its normal text. I left it. I did tell him that I hope its all over, let me know if anything changes between us.. He knew I was always worried about this aspect, because he will never stop talking to her....

i want to know if i did a bad thing by looking at his phone?

he has had more girlfriends before, but I have never even thought about them, this girl however I knew how much he was in love with her and how difficult it was for him to move on.. I was scared initially that I might be inbetween them and just a rebound , cause things happened too fast betweeen me and him....

[Wetash]

As months went by, I left this issue.. accepted that he will be talking to her.. he also told my friend that he talks to her out of habit only.. and that they are very good best friends even now.. so I decided to let it go.. I did fight with him about this another one time.

Thing is he made me feel like I am some uncool person, because I kept bringing this up....

I am not sure if I was wrong ...

[mhowe]

I trusted him , but I wanted to make sure that him and that girl were not in the phase where she was still jealous of me or him moving on. So i checked his messages

 

See --- trusting him and checking on him are opposites.

 

But, seeing as he is lying through his teeth, it's understandable. He doesn't talk to her out of habit. He isn't over her.

You are wrong to stay with him.

[Wetash]

Are you saying I wasnt wrong in looking at his messages? Given the circumstances of how much I knew about them?

[mhowe]

Yes, you were. You invaded his privacy.

 

You are a rebound. He isn't over her and likely won't be for a while.

[Wetash]

Yes, I understand that I could be his rebound! Thats why I wanted to make sure things werent like that. and hence saw his phone!

[mhowe]

Yes, I understand that I could be his rebound! Thats why I wanted to make sure things werent like that. and hence saw his phone!

 

You didn't "see his phone". You SNOOPED in his phone. Invaded his privacy. Sign of distrust.

[Wetash]

It was in the very beginning of the relationship, when we were not so close yet! is it okay if he left me for this ?

Or am I wrong to expect him to be okay with my insecurity and help me move past it?

[mhowe]

It doesn't matter when you did it. It matters THAT you did it.

 

Yes, it is ok if he left you for this. You invaded his privacy.

No, you cannot expect anyone to be okay with your insecurity.

No, he doesn't need to help you move past it.

 

The problem is ---- he isn't over her. You were a rebound. Which is part of the reason you are insecure. YOU KNOW he isn't over her.

[Wetash]

Exactly my point.

So how is me doing something like that not justified? How am I completely wrong in that? I would not have done for any of his other ex girlfriend!

If he had done the same thing to me, I would have just thought that oh now things have really changed between us, he is starting to get jealous for me! and would have told him there is nothing to worry about, you are my life now.

[mhowe]

There is no justification for invading someones' privacy. Get that straight before you do it again with someone else. It is a cause to dump you.

You are completely, absolutely wrong in snooping.

 

You cannot justify it, so stop trying.

 

Jealousy is UGLY. Not a desired trait from a significant other.

 

You haven't know him long enough to use "you are my life". You are his rebound.

[Wetash]

I am sorry I cant entirely accept that. I guess it the way we look at it.

I believe, I had all the rights to be scared about his past. You are saying yourself that I was his rebound. Clearly if he dumps me, it is because he never really liked me. It has nothing to do with me looking at his phone or being jealous!

And if there is a realtionship which has no possessive feeling, maybe its too casual a relationship. Not soemthing which i was looking for!

[Wetash]

And honestly, if by just looking at the phone, it can shake his love for me, then it wasnt strong from the beginning! irrespective of whethere i was his rebound or not!

Maybe your definition for a relationship is different than mine! I believe in making sure my partner is comfortable with everything. just because he has a problem, I wouldnt let him go without trying to make things right.

[mhowe]

I am sorry I cant entirely accept that. I guess it the way we look at it.

I believe, I had all the rights to be scared about his past. You are saying yourself that I was his rebound. Clearly if he dumps me, it is because he never really liked me. It has nothing to do with me looking at his phone or being jealous!

And if there is a realtionship which has no possessive feeling, maybe its too casual a relationship. Not soemthing which i was looking for!

 

Possesiveness and jealousy are not signs of a healthy relationship. They are signs of immaturity and codependency.

[mhowe]

And honestly, if by just looking at the phone, it can shake his love for me, then it wasnt strong from the beginning! irrespective of whethere i was his rebound or not!

Maybe your definition for a relationship is different than mine! I believe in making sure my partner is comfortable with everything. just because he has a problem, I wouldnt let him go without trying to make things right.

 

You call it "just looking at his phone". The rest of the planet calls it "invasion of privacy".

 

Relationships are built on trust. You have none.

[Wetash]

That depends on the degree of it .

and you havent replied to the main part of my response!

Would you have not had even 1% of an issue with his past, if you kept having a feeling that its possible u r his rebound, but u were crazily in love with him and couldnt do anything about it ?

I ll never blame him even if I was his rebound! People make mistakes, I ll take it that he seeked comfort in me and i gave it to him because I wanted to be there for him.

[Wetash]

See, If you said I had no trust if I was sitting and invdaing his privacy just for the heck of it, I ll gladly accept!

But not in this case! It had nothing to do with 'trusting him' or 'invading his privacy'.

I didnt want to proceed further without clearing my doubts first, because he never 'talks'.

[j.man]

That depends on the degree of it .

and you havent replied to the main part of my response!

Would you have not had even 1% of an issue with his past, if you kept having a feeling that its possible u r his rebound, but u were crazily in love with him and couldnt do anything about it ?

I ll never blame him even if I was his rebound! People make mistakes, I ll take it that he seeked comfort in me and i gave it to him because I wanted to be there for him.

Dude, you knew about his past. If you see a sign labeled "minefield," it's probably safe to assume that's not the ideal path for your morning jog.

[Wetash]

True that. But I also knew that if I didnt go into it and give it a try, I ll regret it throughout my life. because i really liked him. thats all I could see!

[mhowe]

Just because you decided to go against all reason STILL does not justify snooping.

[Wetash]

In the beginning of the relationship, I expected him to tell me that his past was done. I needed this from him because before we got together, i was the one he told how much he missed her and used to cry so much. Suddenly our friendship changed to love. I needed some reassurance from him which he never exactly gave. so i saw his msgs. and i also told him about it. I told him frankyl i have an issue with u guys talking, but if u were such close friends , i wont interfere. But please let me know if things change anytime, dont keep me in the dark. he got pissed first and decided that I am not a cool person I used to be when we were just friends.

Did I do anything so wrong? So wrong that this should prevent him from moving further?

what i described happened in the second day after we got together. I felt i should clear things in my head before i move further. so wanted to talk to him about it in the first itself.

The ex issue came up again just one more time, and that was a fight too. But after taht I just gave into the fact that exes can be friends, maybe they are really close and . let me not interfere in that.

[mhowe]

He isn't over her. He isn't in love with you. He isn't available to you.

[Wetash]

Its funny you are so confident while saying that and yet you dont seem to understand why I ll have that 1% insecurity about the whole aspect of him still talking to her.

That too in the beginning of the relationship. If i had this issue after six month of being with him, I ll tkae it that I need to sort my own issues and I am an uncool person.

[ParisPaulette]

You aren't an uncool person at all, only a blind one on purpose. You knew his history with his ex. You knew he'd left another girlfriend for her once before. He has never told you point blank that it is done between them and that he has chosen you. He has lied about being in touch with her. And now he says it's out "habit." Clue, a habit is something like smoking or picking one's teeth when you think no one is looking. It's not talking to exes. Normally exes are the last people one wants to stay in touch with, either through bad breakups or just because we move on and they are no longer a part of our lives.

 

He isn't doing that and yes he is now doing to you what he did to the last girlfriend he tossed over for his ex.

 

Sorry, you went into this with your eyes wide open. My guess is he uses other women to make his ex jealous and get attention from her. Unfortunately there are people who enjoy that game between the two of them and they aren't too careful who they use in their contest to keep at each other. If it were just a habit or they were just friends he would have no need to hide her from you. If he doesn't hide his other friends from you then if it were all innocent he wouldn't hide her either. He'd have been upfront about that from the beginning, told you he was over her and was choosing you, and they'd talk maybe once in a while.

 

I know this isn't what you want to here. Not sure why you're worried about being "uncool." No one I know would ever be cool with being used like that. Most of us would've told the guy to go jump in a lake too. To some degree you are letting him do this and I'm not sure why and no, it isn't love. Real love isn't about giving up your own self-respect and ignoring plain evidence in front of you. It's also not about letting someone lie to you, mistrusting them (with reason granted) and being blind to what's going on.

 

Don't you think you deserve someone better?

 

mhowe isn't being mean. She's trying to get you to see this is a very unhealthy relationship and I agree, it is. You should be able to 1,000 percent trust someone and you went into this knowing you couldn't trust him and he has done nothing to earn that trust. Quite the opposite. A relationship without trust is a joke. He's the uncool one though for pulling other girls into his Fed up drama with that ex. Seriously, what the H is up with that. Tell him to see a therapist and get over it and move on. There are far saner fish in the sea than this one.