Living together (kinda) HELP

[grneyz0724]

Ok, this is the problem. My boyfriend and I are going on one year together (next week). I moved and got my own place last September. since about October, he has stayed here every night. He has all his stuff here (clothes, TV, etc...) He also is not paying rent. He has helped buy food though. I've been laid off twice recently and have really had to struggle to pay my rent and such. All the while he has used his money to pay his bills, to work on his car and such. Yes, he did help me pay on a loan in Dec. and Jan., but that shouldn't make up for it, should it?

 

Here is the question, am I asking too much for him to help out more. I tried bringing it up and he said he thought it was ok, because when I first moved in I said that whether he was here or not, I'd still have to pay for stuff. I did say that, and it is true, technically. However, is it right for him to just stay here rent free. He still gets his mail at his parents and can live with them (rent free) if he isn't here.

[Day_Walker]

It would be best if you two worked out some sort of agreement so that you can work out the rent and other bills. It sounds reasonable that he should contribute but that needs to be agreed upon between the two of you.

[RayKay]

This is kind of tricky - as he is not "technically" living with you and he is not on the lease either.

 

Have you talked about living together? If all his stuff is there, and for all intents and purposes he is, it is not unreasonable to expect him to share the costs at all...but perhaps he is not ready to make it "official" which him paying rent will do, or maybe he is but you need to talk about it.

 

How couples split living costs varies from couple to couple and something you need to work out between you two. Some will have one pay rent, the other bills/food, some will split both evenly, some will divide based on income. For my partner and I we split rent/parking/bills evenly and divide food costs up basically by a bodyweight ratio..we are both really active and eat a bit, so figured this was better way to do it...and he eats a LOT more than I do..lol. But again, each couple does it their own way!

[Luscious]

Okay, I think that since he's being living there technically he needs to pay bills technically. Talk to him and tell him thats its a burden on you especially if you have been laid off twice, that staying there a few times a week you have no problem with that but since he has move his stuff in he needs to share the bills b/c yall are sharing the apartment. ITs all about communication, see if there can be some level of compromise.

[grneyz0724]

I am nervous that if I lay it down like that to him, that he really should be helping out...that he'll just go back to his parents so that he doesn't have to pay. That has been eluded to kinda. Not sure if I am willing for that to happen. I know that sounds bad, but I do love him very much.

[RayKay]

I am nervous that if I lay it down like that to him, that he really should be helping out...that he'll just go back to his parents so that he doesn't have to pay. That has been eluded to kinda. Not sure if I am willing for that to happen. I know that sounds bad, but I do love him very much.

 

You have to stand up for yourself. It is not fair that he can "freeload" off of you. A relationship is a partnership...not a parent-child dynamic. If he goes back to his parents he can still stay over sometimes!

 

If you don't take a stand and tell him what you want, he is not going to just volunteer to pay it sounds like!

 

Besides, having your OWN apartment is a lot of fun...I think any couple that lives together should have some time living on their own first, it makes things more balanced and provides a lot of valuable experience for when you do live together.

[Luscious]

I agree with Ray Kay, its only fair.

 

And besides if he loves you it won't damage the relationship and think about it what are you gonna lose anyway if he goes back to his parents - you're paying the bills now by yourself and if he goes back you're still gonna be paying the bills by yourself.

 

Its the principle of the matter and he should help out a little more!!!

[lady00]

I agree...it's reasonable that he should contribute. But he does have the choice to back out to his parents' place but hopefully he won't do that. However, you shouldn't let that possibility stop u from asking him to do the right thing.

[tiger_lilies]

I am of the opinion that he should WANT to take care of you and if he sees you struggling to make ends meat, he should WANT to take on the role of "protector and provider".

 

I say this because from my own experience of living with two past boyfriends, the first one was responsible by splitting costs with me. The second one basically "gold-dug" me until he cheated on me and I kicked him out.

 

I took care of all bills, rent...everything with the second ex, including all domestic chores. Essentially I became his mother and got burned badly in the end because I loved him so much, thereforeeee I suggest that you don't go down the same road.

 

Talk to him about your stuggles and look for his reaction. I've learned my lesson in which I will only go for men who are not looking for a mother and a girlfriend.

[arwen]

I agree... it's not more than fair, especially when he has his stuff at your place. If he wants to move back at his parents, I am sorry, you will feel really bad but he is the one behaving childish there.

 

Plus, tigerlilies made great point. In a while I will be working, and my bf has just started medschool. When he starts internships I will be working for 2 years, and he will have no time to have an extra job to finance his own room and such. If it was a problem to him, I would do everything in my power to help.

 

Is your bf selfish in other respects, or really spoilt by his parents? I had an ex that was really spoilt by his parents, he's now like 26 and still not graduated, his has no right to a student's loan from the state anymore and his parents pay everything for him. They even do his laundry. Man am I glad I got my hands off that one

 

Ilse.

[RayKay]

Is your bf selfish in other respects, or really spoilt by his parents? I had an ex that was really spoilt by his parents, he's now like 26 and still not graduated, his has no right to a student's loan from the state anymore and his parents pay everything for him. They even do his laundry. Man am I glad I got my hands off that one

 

Ilse.

 

Ugh, I am glad you got out of that too! A 26 year old who does not do his own laundry....mmmmm.......

 

Beware of the guy who has never grown up, and is looking for another mother. Guys of course should also look out for the girl who has never grown up and is looking for someone to finance them too! Freeloaders come from both sexes. I know some people like someone to depend on them, but I think it often leads to inequalities and resentment at some point.

 

I said this already on this thread, but relationships are a partnership. Choose your partner wisely

[Mun]

Kick him out. A guy who wants you to be his mommy will go out and find himself a girlfriend and will think it's ok because mommy will take care of the expenses. Beware.

 

Don't be afraid to lose him girl. If he leaves and he drops you, consider yourself saved. Would you really want to stay with a man who wants to live off of you?

[Iceman26]

I dont think he necessarily needs to be kicked out, I just think you need to be upfront and blunt with him.

 

If you describe things to him the way you did in your original post, about how you appreciate him buying food, etc, but if he is going to be around he could and should be doing more if he cares for your well being.

 

If he refuses to help out, then you have your answer about what kind of man he is, and will be a good indicator to you what you can expect from him in the future.

 

Remember no one can freeload off of you unless you let them. Good luck.

[DN]

Whoa, hold on a bit everybody!!

 

Freeloader, immature, etc!! Easy to criticise. But look at the post.

 

It is not his fault or responsibilty that you got laid off twice..

 

He helps pay for food. How much does he pay? His share or more?

 

He helped out with a loan. How much? Did he loan you the money or just pay it without expecting anything back?

 

How much of his stuff is there? What sort of stuff is it? For instance, you mention the TV - do you watch it as well? Do you use any of his other stuff?

 

Who pays for dates etc. when you go out? Do you contribute to that equally or is he the one paying most of the costs most of the time?

 

Who suggested that he stay over so much and leave his stuff there?

 

Did you ever discuss splitting expenses?

 

He lives with his parents but does he pay any of the bills there.

 

He has bills you said. Car expenses, I imagine. Do you use his car all the time when you go anywhere. ? If so, have you offered to pay any of the expenses for that? Gas, for instance?

 

I have no idea, nor does anyone else on here, about the details of your relationship status and the state of both financial situations. But let's be careful about calling someone a freeloader until you have considered all the factors in the equation.

 

Some one said, wisely, that you should discuss this issue with him. But if you want him to help with rent and household bills then you are moving into the sort of relationship where all the costs related to that relationship should be considered. Not just the ones you pay.

[RayKay]

I agree fully with DN above on this one, which is why I also said every couple splits bills differently (ie some will have one pay rent, other food/bills) so it does not have to be 50-50. But it is something you need to work out.

 

For example, my live in bf has a truck...I don't own a vehicle (I bike/walk everywhere) and never needed one/wanted one. He uses it for work and to go out mostly, as well as a support vehicle for races, etc (which we both need!). He pays for the truck payments - however I volunteered to pay part of parking as I do get use of it, and if we are going somewhere far together I'll help with gas willingly - not my truck, but we worked something out so I could contribute for my part. Other expenses that arise are figured out similarily. But before we moved in we figured these things out - you have to think practically, not romantically. No asking him to contribute is not romantic, but it is fair, as long as you are BOTH contributing. If he paid a big part of that loan that made up rent, I think that should be definitely considered as having paid rent ina sense etc...it was YOUR loan and your responsiblity but he helped, so that should be thought about as well

 

You can only figure it out once you sit down and lay it all out on the table financially - your budgets, costs/expenses, etc. You definitely should not depend on him to pay for you if you get laid off, but if he is living there you need to work out a plan.

[OceanEyes]

I really agree with DN here. Also, she hasn't even spoken to him about this yet, so who knows how he will react? Perhaps he just doesn't understand that his assistance is needed. If she had already spoken to him about this and he has resisted, it would be a different story.

 

Apparently he has helped you with a loan, and buys food. Depending on the amount money he helped you out with the loan, it might very well make up for it. All I'm saying, is that if he gave you a large sum of money to pay off a debt, then in his mind, he may be calling things even. Just a thought. I'm just thinking about how I would react if I gave my boyfriend a lot of money to pay off a personal loan, then to have him ask me for half of the rent every month would probably seem unfair to me. I might even feel like I was the one being taken advantage of.

 

I don't think it's fair to assume that this guy is a freeloader or looking for a "mommy". By the sounds of things, it doesn't even seem like you feel comfortable discussing this type of thing with him. Boundaires and expectations are set through talking about things. How can anyone really know what you want/ expect if you don't tell them?

 

I am of the opinion that he should WANT to take care of you and if he sees you struggling to make ends meat, he should WANT to take on the role of "protector and provider".

 

This is very true. If I saw my man struggling with his finances, and could afford to help him out and make things more comfortable for him, I would do whatever I could to help. Things can be more balanced down the road when both of you are more financially secure, but while in a relationship, I think it should basically go without saying that you help your partner through the hard times (if you are financially ABLE to do so).

 

I can't make a judgement about him as a person if you haven't spoken to him yet grneyz. Things can go either way, and it's impossible to really understand his intentions until that discussion takes place. It simply has to be done. If he runs back to his parents and says, "well, I am not going to pay for anything", then I think you should have a pretty good idea of where you stand in the relationship.

[DN]

I am of the opinion that he should WANT to take care of you and if he sees you struggling to make ends meat, he should WANT to take on the role of "protector and provider".

 

But if you expect that he does take on that role don't be surprised if at some point down the road he expects you to be a submissive stay-at-home wife and mother.

 

Jumping back and forth into traditional and modern gender roles is hazardous to a relationship. It is not reasonable to be an independent, modern woman only when it suits you.

 

A truly equal partnership is when both people contribute in a fair fashion. And your relationship is far from being a full partnership because you have no commitment other than boyfriend - girlfriend, who happen to spend a lot of time together in your apartment. If this relationship does become a committed one, then you will have to make money one of the things you negotiate about beforehand.

 

Different couples have different arrangements - and many of them work for that couple. But money issues cause or contribute to most divorces. My wife and I have always thrown everything we earn into a joint account and we pay all expenses from that. It works for us because we feel that we each contribute equally to the relationship in every way including monetarily. When she stayed at home for a while to look after our young kids I earned the money, when I was out of work because of injury for some months she did. But neither of us felt we were the provider and protector at those times - we were just pulling together as best we could.

 

Other arrangements work for others and you will have to find what works for each of you. Negotiate and compromise - perhaps a cliche, but it does work.