Gaynor Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Hi, basically I met a really nice man through mutual friends about a month ago. We started speaking a lot online since, and met up four times now. The last two occasions we were on our own together and we have loads in common and really seemed to hit it off. The last time we met was last weekend and we ended up sleeping together. I'd rather we'd waited but we'd both had a few drinks and it just happened. Before I went home, he mentioned meeting again but wasn't sure when as the next couple of weekends he is busy with work. He usually works a lot and his days off don't coincide with mine. He also lives an hour away and neither of us drive so it's a bit difficult to meet. As I kissed him before I left I suddenly felt really shy and awkward so I feel like maybe I made a bad impression. Before that I felt really comfortable though. I am quite a shy person and I think he is too really. When I got home he messaged me to check I was home ok, and we've continued to chat online each day since. I initiated some of the conversations, but he has as well, he's sent me random photos and general chat. The thing that worries me is before he sent a couple of really sweet messages about how he was excited to see me and nice compliments(maybe whilst drunk)...but he hasnt said anything else like that.. I just feel worried that I have made a bad impression somehow. I would feel better if we had future plans already made I guess. Do you think he is still interested in me if he has stayed in touch? I don't know if I am overthinking things, I know I have a tendency to do that. I have really bad issues with my self confidence and insecurity, due to an emotionally abusive past relationship. And this makes me second guess everything I wish I could get over these problems. What makes it worse is that I try my hardest not to show anyone that I'm having these feelings and I feel like everything is pent up inside me. Sorry this is so long. I just need to get this off my chest, and hope someone can offer me some advice. Thank you. Link to comment
dias Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 You are definitely over thinking things. Link to comment
blabla Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I´m exactly like you and believe me, you are overthinking!!! I do that constantly and it can ruin a relationship, or at least make problems. I don´t think you should even consider him not being interested in you if you have regular contact. Also, don´t be afraid to suggest seeing each other, when you think it´s the right time for both of you. Or to make future plans. Just try to relax as much as possible and try to be spontaneus. I know it´s hard, I´m working on it Overanalysers are the worst Link to comment
Gaynor Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 Thanks, I know I probably sound stupid. Yeah I know it's horrible overthinking it just clouds everything. It's hard acting chill when you're not too! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I find it really sad that we are still living in a world where if we as women have got the goods out we have done it too soon ...but you have to remember he also got his goods out and I bet he isn't sat thinking ," oh my god I shouldn't have done that , I bet she has gone off me now" The fact is ...if he has now got what he wants and is not interested then that would have happened anyway ..... be confident in your actions , be proud of who you are and own your actions .. no regrets ..nothing ..just carry on because he has ..he has carried on messaging you , he hasn't walked away ..so just go back to having fun and enjoying all of this . Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Thanks, I know I probably sound stupid. Yeah I know it's horrible overthinking it just clouds everything. It's hard acting chill when you're not too! you dont sound stupid ...I could write a feckin novel on some the trains of thought and actions I have done/said/thought over the years . Link to comment
blabla Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 you dont sound stupid ...I could write a feckin novel on some the trains of thought and actions I have done/said/thought over the years . I agree with this! It´s much easier for me to tell you that you´re ovethinking and that you´re psyching yourself, but when I do it, and when people tell me the same, I don´t listen. My friends want to kill me sometimes when I do it, because it get´s out of control. It´s normal, but also something to work on. I catch myself overthinking and analyzing about many things, and when it happened in my last relationship, it brought me nothing but unhappines and some bad decisions. It´s a fact that women do it more than men, but we can try and minimize it as much as possible and not let it affect our lives. You can research it a bit on the internet. As long as you don´t have hard, cold facts that he isn´t interested, don´t think it´s true. Don´t let your insecurities destroy something that has yet to evolve into something bigger. Take it from someone speaking from experience Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 If you are this insecure, have you considered some prof help? So it doesn't affect your relationships? You've met up with this guy and things happened.. BUT, are you really sure this is going to work out? Distance, work etc and no vehicles?? As long as he is giving something.. communication wise, etc, It sounds like he's interested. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 The last time we met was last weekend and we ended up sleeping together. I'd rather we'd waited but we'd both had a few drinks and it just happened. I have really bad issues with my self confidence and insecurity, due to an emotionally abusive past relationship. If you know that you are insecure, have self-confidence issues, and are still healing from an emotionally abusive relationship, why would you even get into a relationship in any form with someone if you are not emotionally capable at this point? Be careful of thinking of anything in your life as "just happening." You are an active choice-maker and participant in your own life. Going forward, I would say that what's done is done, and if he was only interested in sleeping with you then better you know it now instead of later. There's no point in overanalyzing anything, really, because it doesn't change the outcome or the past. So, own your actions and continue to live your life. But I do recommend seeing a therapist or taking some other action to work on your own issues. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Gaynor, the advice is not to sleep with someone, and go drinking with a total stranger, until you know him well enough, and figured out what he's looking for in dating. Four dates is usually not enough time to figure someone out (unless you just wanted to have fun). Nothing just happens. That's a teenager talking. Who wanted to go out drinking, and which person suggested going to someone's house? Instead of going into reaction mode (second guessing), be pro-active and have a plan in place before dating. That's what experience in dating should teach us. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Gaynor, the advice is not to sleep with someone, and go drinking with a total stranger, until you know him well enough, and figured out what he's looking for in dating. Four dates is usually not enough time to figure someone out (unless you just wanted to have fun). Nothing just happens. That's a teenager talking. Who wanted to go out drinking, and which person suggested going to someone's house? Instead of going into reaction mode (second guessing), be pro-active and have a plan in place before dating. That's what experience in dating should teach us. And then in turn you won't be second guessing your actions. BUT. . you lived in the moment and can't un-ring that bell. Shake it off. What's done is done and maybe because of this experience you might do it differently next time. Life is full of opportunities to learn lessons. Catch yourself when you start obsessing about it and trust that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to. Think about it. Had you not had sex with him you probably wouldn't be worrying to the degree you are. He's still reaching out consistently. All the worrying may be for nothing. Link to comment
Gaynor Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Thanks to everyone who has replied. Yeah I know I should have waited longer, there's no excuse but what's done is done. He has still messaged me the past couple of days, I initiated once but he seemed keen enough to respond. He initiated too last night. So I don't know, im just going to go with the flow. Do you think if I don't contact him first he will think I'm not interested... I want to keep the conversation going but I don't want to look pushy either. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Nothing just happens. That's a teenager talking. Who wanted to go out drinking, and which person suggested going to someone's house? Op, it goes back to my original update, which you haven't addressed. This is important in helping you determine his motives for dating. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Do you think if I don't contact him first he will think I'm not interested... I want to keep the conversation going but I don't want to look pushy either. Don't play games. If you want to contact him, do it. I do think that if you're this insecure then maybe you should stay single for a while and work on that. Link to comment
Gaynor Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 It was like a date drink really. And it was mutual really I was just supposed to crash at his but it ended up that way. I dont really think he's the type to be after sex but I guess I don't really know. I thought it seemed fine at the time but now I'm second guessing and worried I put him off and he thinks bad of me. Link to comment
Gaynor Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 And yeah, he contacted me and I responded, I initiated contact too and we've been talking today. He just got home from a business trip he was saying he's doing something during the day Saturday. Then he asked my plans I said I was free and then he started talking about something else. He's been sending me photos of where he's been and random things that will interest me, being nice still...but I just would have thought he'd want to make plans with me if he wants to see me. He really doesn't seem to be a player. But maybe he's just being nice by still messaging me. Ugh, I don't know Link to comment
Gaynor Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 I'm just not used to dating people and I just don't know how to go on. I wish I hadn't slept with him so soon, but it's done now. I wouldn't usually do that I guess I just go caught up, we'd both been drinking too. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 It was like a date drink really. And it was mutual really I was just supposed to crash at his but it ended up that way. I dont really think he's the type to be after sex but I guess I don't really know. I thought it seemed fine at the time but now I'm second guessing and worried I put him off and he thinks bad of me. What's done is done, but I think you put yourself in a potential dangerous position by agreeing to "crash at his" after a mere three dates. Either way, if nothing else you learned a lesson, as in by taking the time to get to know someone can be helpful in eliminating any doubts. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 And yeah, he contacted me and I responded, I initiated contact too and we've been talking today. He just got home from a business trip he was saying he's doing something during the day Saturday. Then he asked my plans I said I was free and then he started talking about something else. He's been sending me photos of where he's been and random things that will interest me, being nice still...but I just would have thought he'd want to make plans with me if he wants to see me. He really doesn't seem to be a player. But maybe he's just being nice by still messaging me. Ugh, I don't know So, what's your game plan? Are you going to spend your time guessing his motives, and hoping he takes you out? That's not a plan. It makes it look like you're chasing him, when it should be the other way around. Decide on what you want out of this situation, and make it happen. If you just want to be friends, or a FWB, then continue "as is". If not, then let him know what you want, and if he doesn't come through, then move on. He's not the only fish in the sea. Link to comment
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