difficult time in our relationship

[JohnGilbre]

Hello. Okay recently my fiance started acting different. Not by a whole lot but I know him pretty well so when something's on his mind I can tell. Anyway small things change he seems serious more often, he's not as lovable, or even talkative. He usually compliments me and I do the same to him when we go out and it's stopped. I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach like okay he's pushing away from me. It's so hurtful. We planned on getting married in July but now he said we rushed and he wants to just allow time to focus on ourselves. Him his children and life, and me our child together and life he also wants me to put god first amd nothing else. he's been through some emotional and physical abuse that he said are starting to affect his life. Emotionally he's going through a lot.

I got upset because to me its a broken promise, and he's got cold feet or something. I took it personal. Im hurt... we are trying to work through this but I get upset emotionally and he pushes away. I've considered ending our relationship but its not what I want. I get upset and yet he hasn't given up. He tells me he loves me, even calls to check how im doing. Im angry, emotionally I fear he's going to abandon me and not love me. These are my issues I have trust, and abandonment problems from our past and now they're starting to come back and ruin my days and my thoughts about our future. How can I help myself from worrying and possibly killing whats left in this relationship. Thanks...

[melancholy123]

You two should go for couples counselling before you consider getting married. He appears to have cold feet and you seem to be incredibly insecure. You have sort out problems before you marry anyone, not after.

[DoF]

He wants you to put god first? ?

 

That would be pretty concerning to me, and potential deal breaker.

 

Couples counseling ASAP and put the marriage on hold. Something is up!

 

I would also sit him down and have a serious conversation about everything you posted. Talk to him, tell him about your concerns, see if he takes them seriously or ignores them (with action)....that will tell you more....

[shessofly]

Sounds like you both have some emotional issues that need to be dealt with before walking down the aisle. Instead of fretting about everything be proactive and seek counseling or some kind of therapy before taking the leap. These issues do not go away after marriage, they usually only get worse with time if they've not been dealt with.

[Andrina]

Since you both have emotional baggage which is affecting your relationship, you should both be in individual counseling and couples counseling. Do you have a fulfilling life besides him? Do you have girlfriends that you get together with? Do you have a hobby? If not, you should make that a goal. When a guy is the center of your universe, it's smothering to him. When you have your own independent life besides him, you will not be as devastated if there is a break up.

 

Remember that your needs matter. If after communication, and time given to improve things hasn't worked, that you shouldn't just cling to him in desperation because you love him. Your lifetime partner needs to meet all of your main needs to be "the one" who you can have a satisfying relationship with.

 

And what does he mean by that fact that you need to put God first? If this is so important to him, why didn't he address this when you first met, and make it a "must have" for potential dating partners? Yes, it seems like he's now throwing barriers in there.

 

I'd suggest the counseling route, and if he refuses to go, I'd take a step back from the relationship. Spend more time apart and let him see how it feels to miss you. Get yourself busy with activities with your child, friends and hobbies. Right now, the relationship is regressing. He'll either let it slide off a cliff, or he'll realize he wants to work on the problems instead of running away from them. Either way, you are strong enough to handle anything. If you don't believe that, start reading some self-empowering books from the library or articles on the internet. Take care.

[mhowe]

Since you both have kids --- blending a family is a huge step. He hasn't said he won't marry you, he has said he needs more time. I agree with the counseling concept.

[CJ2]

Hello,

 

I have found myself in a similar situation in the last 9 months. And, am in such a confusing situation. I really don't know what to do. I know what I should do but I can't let go.

My partner of 15 years started having an affair 9 months ago, just when our 3rd baby was born. We continued trying to work things out, however on numerous occasions, including up until 2 weeks ago I have found evidence (through delving) that he is still seeing her. I ahven't left due to being emotionally attached; having three children; being financially insecure; and scared to through away my relationship.

We talk about marriage all the time, but he spends many nights a week away from home, working. I feel lonely, and insecure. But when he's here I just want to be happy. When he's gone I can't help thinking he's with her, and I am second best.

The worst thing is she has a child of her own.

I feel so stupid, because I am sure everyone around him knows, and are laughing at me. But, why should I, or, how can I through my family away like that after 15 years.

 

I am so scared and lonely. I jus want things to go back to normal and him to stop seeing her. I don't want to lose him, or my children to lose their father.

[jobelle]

It sounds like you haven't talked to him about this. Maybe it's time to?