What....Just...... Happened?

[ForeverJaded21]

Hi there,

 

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He moved accross the country to be with me (we knew each other prior). Before he made such a big move, we had a very serious talk about what we wanted in life - to make sure that this type of move was even rational. We decided that if he was to move here, we shouldn't live together off the bat.

 

Well a couple weeks passed, and his job closed their doors. He was left with the option of either finding a new job out there, or moving and trying to find a job here. He decided to move here, and stay with me until he found a job & then he would get his own place. After a few weeks I noticed I was beginning to tick off my roommate, so, we, in that "happy" phrase decided to just live together. (This was a terrible idea). My boyfriend at this point did not have a job, so first months rent & security deposit were paid by me.

 

We started to get tense, and I believed it was because he had yet to find a job. I figured once the financial situation fixed itself so would our relationship. I decided I would be patient. & I was patient, for 5 whole months while he laid on my couch and didn't get a job.

 

During this entire time we lived together, I never got a gift from him. It sounds petty, I know, but not even as much as flowers. Whereas I paid for everything, I didn't miss a holiday, and I did everything I could to make him happy.

 

He started to become emotionally abusive, which he dismissed as a real thing when I brought it up. He'd tell me to go kill myself, call me a horrible c*nt, and every other name in the book. The emotional abuse never took to physical violence to me personally, but he threatened to break my things, he punched holes in my walls, in the door, shattered outlet covers. His yelling turned to SCREAMING at me, for absolutely nothing at all. He told me that I was the worst person in his life and I started to believe it. I did everything I could to make him happy, I was supportive in every way - I didn't see how I could be so bad.

 

Fast forward to when we broke up - I had a concussion unrelated to my relationship. I just got off work, and he was hungry. He asked what we should go eat. I explained to him that I wasn't hungry, but I would drive him to wherever he wanted to go. He asked for suggestions and I said "I'm not sure, I don't know what you want" - "YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!!!" - meanwhile I'm sitting on the couch like a deer in headlights "wh..what?" then he went off into a slew of calling me terrible names, I asked him several times to please stop yelling because it feels like someone is stabbing my head when he yells. He wouldn't stop.

 

I walked out of the house. I figured he needed to cool down, he was going crazy. He walked out on the patio and screamed that we were over.

 

Okay.

 

2 days pass, and he wouldn't even talk to me. He'd just scowl and if he had to say something, he'd scream. I asked him where something was and he started screaming. I calmly (trying not to cry) asked "why are you treating me like I'm not even a person?" and he screamed back something around the lines of hating me, that I'm the worst thing ever, and how he's happy I haven't spoken to him in two days.

 

Okay.

 

So, I figure, why am I here? The next morning I go to home depot and I pick up some boxes and I arrange to move somewhere, anywhere. I'll throw everything in storage and couch surf for a while. I didn't really care anymore. He was at work while I was packing. A few hours passed and I went to the bar I usually go to for a quick beer, during this time my ex must have gotten home. He calls me while I am at the bar ", oh, so you're moving!?" and I explained "...you broke up with me two days ago.." he said that he just needed time to think, more hateful things, and basically was saying that he didn't break up with me. I was completely confused, he hangs up.

 

I continue on with my plan that I will be moving, convinced he's only anger because literally everything in the house is mine and once I will the house will be empty. I give him a date to be out by. The next week is filled with either him crying or coming home drunk from the bar and screaming things at me at 2a. I was really surprised our neighbors hadn't called the cops.

 

Finally, the last night he will be here comes. He comes home, says he's going to stay with a friend for a few nights downtown. He packs his bag, he leaves his key. My friend sends me an awkward screen cap of him on Tinder.

 

He continues to fight me via texts and phone calls for the next two weeks while he makes his way back home. Everything turns into an insult battle.

 

Finally the last text comes, it's some sappy text message from him saying he never wanted this and all this blah blah blah crap. He blocks me on every social media outlet (which is fine, I'd rather not see him anyway).

 

 

But... I'm still like... just happened? Did he literally just go crazy? He had anger issues since the beginning and they just seemed to get worse and worse until one day a month after his mom died he went insane.

 

the hell?

 

Oh, and he is 28, I'm 27.

[Movingforward3]

I would just say trying to divine what happened at this point is silly. Just be happy you got out. I am glad your safe. Take care of yourself.

[Andrina]

You really don't know someone until you've regularly been with them. When that happened, you found out he was verbally abusive and has anger issues. You put up with it for far too long. When you go into a relationship, discuss the rules of not calling each other names when arguing. The point of arguing is to resolve a problem or come to a consensus, not belittle a person by calling them names. If a person can't abide by that rule, end the relationship because you are gold, and if someone doesn't treat you special, they aren't worthy enough to be around you.

 

Take this experience as a lesson learned. You learned what type of relationship you don't want. Stay alone for a while to get settled and to mourn the relationship, even though it was a toxic one. Don't date again until you are fulfilled in a solo life and make sure that your self esteem is healthy, otherwise, you'll end up with the same type of man. Take care.

[Willywagtail]

Yea, I think he went crazy. Lost his job, moved towns, stuck with you (no reflection on you, just stating what was), death of his mother. Total overload.

 

Clearly he has NO resilience, and the fact that you were working, doing well and looking after him caused him to create a massive case of projection. All his internal stuff, crappy thoughts, self loathing vomited itself onto you. So you tried harder to be nicer and he kept spewing his bile. He had to put it somewhere, and sadly that somewhere was you.

 

This sort of behavior can be caused by stress and overwhelm, but it can also be the response of an abuser. When an abuser can't deal with what's happening - they blame the people around them. Typically, they take out their anger and frustration on other people, because they don't have the resilience and the self awareness to look inside themselves for what's gone wrong in their lives.

 

Sounds like you dodged a massive bullet OP!

[shellyf62]

He'd tell me to go kill myself, call me a horrible c*nt, and every other name in the book

 

I would have been gone after this!!!

 

Don't ever let a man treat you like this again!!!

[Tayla92]

I'm surprised you let him treat you like this for so long..

 

I would have been long gone as soon as he started with the emotional abuse.

[boltnrun]

Just as an FYI...men do not respect women who do soooooooo much for them. Even though they'll take advantage of it.

 

Every time I hear of a woman who does sooooooo much for a guy...the guy ends up cheating, being abusive toward them, or both.

 

If a woman has so little respect for herself that she'll allow a man to take advantage of her, why should the man respect her? You have to respect yourself in order get respect.

 

Don't do sooooo much for a guy again. You've seen firsthand how that ends up.

[DoF]

Learn from this. INVEST TIME and get to know the person WELL before anything serious/intimacy/moving in etc.

 

This takes TIME, a LOT of time (as in months, sometime years!)

 

Don't EVER do MORE than the other person for them. Or it's unbalanced and they end up using you.

[ForeverJaded21]

I'm surprised you let him treat you like this for so long..

 

I would have been long gone as soon as he started with the emotional abuse.

 

 

I think that I'm someone who is more geared towards helping people who are obviously broken. I saw that he had issues, and he even admitted to having issues, and I felt that was a good sign. If he can see it then maybe we can work on fixing it. But he never went to therapy and I stuck around way too long because I love him.

 

Lesson learned.

[ForeverJaded21]

Yeah, I've been through periods of my life where everything was falling apart. I guess I handled it a lot better than he did.

 

Indeed, it does appear that I dodged a bullet, because I'm uncertain if he is ever going to get help.

[saluk]

He would have hit you eventually. This is how it starts.

 

Yeah, his life wasn't going that great. That doesn't give him the right to take it out on you. I could understand him being short, being argumentative, telling you to stop bothering him about stuff if you were on his case, whatever. That's pretty normal for someone who is out of a job. Still a pain in the butt to live with, but it comes from a relate-able place. But for him to be hateful, call you names, and make threats?

 

Unacceptable, no matter the circumstances. Simply unacceptable.

 

Yes you were showing some probably codependent behavior. Getting away from this, all on your own, is a really good thing! It sucks that people like this exist... but they do. You can't see a truly broken person as a fun project to try and fix, because with these kind of people, dating makes them worse instead of better. Someone willing to put up with their crap is exactly what they are looking for. And gets you stuck in these kinds of situations.