Help! Recurring conflict, need advice.

[Silentcrow]

Hi,

Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 2 years now but we only moved in together about 2 months ago. Things have been up and down ever since but we mostly had minor arguments. But recently something seems to be coming back more often than it should.

 

So here's the whole situation. I go to an university very close to my apartment and the proximity was one of the reason we moved there in the first place. My boyfriend goes to another school but one of his male friends goes to my school. Said friend lives outside of town (less than an hour away) from the university but somtimes finishes late and starts early the next morning. For that reason, without consulting me, my bf proposed that he could sleep over to our place once in a while if he wants.

 

But here s the deal. We live in a "one room" studio apartment thats actually very small even for 2 people. To me, having his friend over during a working week feels like an invasion of my privacy. Although he keeps telling me Im exagerating I dont feel right about that. I dont know that friend paticularly well and I dont feel like I own him anything. On the side, I wouldnt invite any of MY friends from school for the same reasons.

 

So in the end I told him he could tell his friend the reason he couldnt come over was because of me and that I didnt mind if his friend was angry at me. He did that. And his friend understood.

 

But now my bf expects me to apologize for not wanting his friend over and says he could just have him come over regardles of how I feel.He does everything in his power to make me feel bad too. This whole situation made me very angry as I have trouble understanding how my refusal is that much of a big deal for him.

 

So I need to know, was I acting selfishly in not wanting a freeloading person I barely ever talked to sleeping on my couch once in a while? Should I have at least give it a try once? What should I do to stop this recurring argument?

 

Thanks for the help

 

Note : His friend wouldnt be eating at our place so its not a factor.

Note : I dont mind if my boyfriend has friends over as long as they leave before a certain hour (usualy 10pm)

Note : Since I sometime spend weekends away at my parents he used the occasion to have friends sleep over and I dont mind since Im not there.

[dave_1966]

Your boyfriend needs to grow up, it's not appropriate to do what he's doing. Especially with a studio apartment.

[Movingforward3]

I understand your issue but I think this is one of those accommodation things you do for your partner

Does his friend make you uncomfortable?

[ThatwasThen]

His friends academic schedule is something he should be talking to his parents about and if need be, them helping him with residency. I'd have not wanted him there in such a small space either. The friend said that he understood so calmly and kindly remind your boyfriend of that fact.

[LC8328]

I totally get what you mean, but I wonder why you would refer to him as a freeloader if he wouldn't be eating at your place, etc.

 

How often would he have been staying over? If it was once a week or more, I wouldn't have liked it either. It's hard living with someone you care about, even worse if it's someone you don't know very well. I like to have my own space too.

 

But for your BF to want for you to apologize doesn't seem to be fair to you imo - that's something you say to a child, to demand an apology. That's how you feel and you shouldn't have to apologize for that. Plus, he said he would have his friend over anyway, after you said no? How is that fair? I get if your BF thought you were being unreasonable, etc. But to ask you something, and you say no, and to do it anyway...that's childish.

 

If you had asked him if your friend could sleep there when she needs to, and he says no because that's his space, and you tell your friend to come over anyway (and demand that he apologize!), well, that would have been extremely insensitive of you. Is this how things are in your relationship? Does he compromise with you normally?

[notalady]

Your boyfriend is being unreasonable and disrespectful to firstly agree to this arrangement without consulting with you and then suggesting that he should just have the friend stay over anyway REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL. That's really disrespectful, especially the second part. Sure, maybe he didn't think it through the first time round, but now that it's resolved and his friend was understanding of the refusal, he is still talking about disregarding your feelings and insisting on doing things his way. I'd seriously reconsider this relationship, not because of this matter in itself but because of his disrespectful attitude towards you. Your life living with this guy won't get any easier given this.

 

Remember healthy relationships entail a certain level of respect for each other's feelings and boundaries. That's not present in this instance.