Guy friend/co worker with benefits freaks out

[Ultravioletb75]

I'm 39 and in a weird marital limbo-separated but still in love with my husband and keep coming back to him. A year ago, i developed a close friendship with a coworker (who was 35). He has a girlfriend but kept complaining about how boring and intellectually unstimulating she was (that he had to drink to make conversation with her) and that he had no physical interest in her. I similarly shared some of my marital problems.

 

We started kissing periodically after work events and hooked up once (extensive intimacy but no sex). We also started talking about having feelings for each other but never talked about having a relationship. After our first physical encounter, he disappeared for 2 weeks. I cut off contact with him (he had moved to another office) but then he started texting and trying to contact me again. We started having platonic lunches and dinners but there was always a strong undercurrent of sexual tension in these situations. Two weeks ago, we were sitting on a patio and after a few drinks started caressing each other's hands. He started going on about how soft and tiny and beautiful my hands were and how beautiful I looked. I enjoyed the moment and then popped out to the bathroom.

 

When I came back to the table, he was weird. He kept saying that he didn't want to hurt me and that what we were doing was wrong and that he wanted to be "principled". I suggested we take a walk. I asked him if he was upset with me and he said no-that he was frustrated. He ducked into the subway. i tried calling him but he didn't answer. So, I foolishly and impulsively went to his place. He opened the door in his boxers. I asked if we could chat and sort things out and he said "lets just do this when we're sober." I asked if he would hold me because I was upset (I've asked this before) and he crawled into his bed, put his sheets over him and said no, that he couldnt, that he didn't want to hurt me, that he was uncomfortable. I left. Can you decipher his behaviour? Guilty about the girlfriend? Physically tempted by me? Didnt hear from him for two months and he finally messaged me (after I cut off contact too) saying " I hope that you are well". Why message me now (pity, guilt?) and should I respond?

[DoF]

You are engaging with a shady character. Matter a fact, YOU are a shady character as well.

 

Why are you engaging with a man that's taken?

 

Why is HE engaging with another woman WHILE in a relationship.

 

Fail on BOTH of your parts.

 

And no, you are NOT in love with your husband. If you were, you wouldn't be doing what you are doing!

[top bloke]

You both are vulnerable and have your existing relationships to clear up or fix.You both seem to lack connection to your existing partners but he has felt guilt and likely that he does still have plenty to work with in his relationship. You are playing with fire. Respect the fact that he had the strength to walk away from you and live his life. The best thing you can do is live yours..clean up your life

[dave_1966]

So, two cheaters.....

[mhowe]

op?..this belongs in the infidelity forum. It's not dating when you are married and he has a girlfriend.

 

If this is the same guy from Feb....you guys had oral sex. That isn't making out. It's sex. Ask Clinton.

[HeartGoesOn]

Why message me now (pity, guilt?) and should I respond?

 

1. Boredom.

 

2. No.

[ParisPaulette]

Heavy sigh. What part of "As a partner partaking in an affair I have no rights to make any demands" do you not understand? Seriously, this isn't a boy/girl dating thing. You put up or you shut up, that's what an affair is.

 

What's that you say? How dehumanizing? Again, that's what affairs are...