jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I have moved on from everything that has happened before and I REALLY want our relationship to work. So, here is a short synopsis: Started seeing each other in January. Never really made it "official", but certainly acted like it. She went home with an old flame in February, but says she only made out with him. Never told me about it. Found out on my own a little over a month ago and still, understandably bothered by it. Have reached a point where everything is strong enough in the relationship where we can weather a storm and it is time for me to bring this up. I have written a speech to (hopefully) draw the truth out so I can move on from this disaster and I am asking for anyone to give me input and modify it so I can reach my goal of her wanting to tell me everything. Please, tell me if it sounds bad or if it may not entice the truth from you or her. Then, rewrite parts if possible. I will be eternally grateful! I am X posting to enotalone too as I have limited to to memorize. START Babe, listen we have to have a talk. Have you noticed how things have been lately? They have been pretty good, right? There is a reason. I have been planning this talk for some time now and there is a strong chance we may break up over this, or come out stronger. I needed this relationship to grow so that we had a chance to make it through this. A few months ago we talked about pinpointing when our relationship officially started. When I said January or near it, you seemed to strongly suggest that it was march or April, I knew there was something up. I never asked anyone directly, but I knew what I had to do to get the answer. So, I waited for the right moment and it happened. I told someone that we have been dating almost 9 months now and they responded with something I feared; the answer to why you were so strongly suggesting march and April. I thought that they were just confused with the timeline, so I suggested we talk about it at another time. Fast forward to the wedding. I asked this person specifically when it happened and what happened, this is why the blow up occurred. I didn’t get an opportunity to talk to you about it, so I popped. I didn’t want to make you look bad or anyone else, so I didn’t mention why I was acting the way I did; that is why everyone thought I was an and crazy. A couple of days after, I felt badly, but then that went away and even to this day I believe the way I acted was justified, regardless of what anyone else thinks BECAUSE they don’t know the circumstances and they don’t know my feelings for you. TBH, how is someone supposed to act once they find something like that out?!? Cordial? I respected the people who were involved and even to the end placed the focus on myself to protect you and the other person from looking bad. Since then, there are two instances I want to point out. Do you remember the day of Jeff’s bbq how all of a sudden I started acting weird on our way to his house? It was because you started talking about our first date and the beginning of our relationship. The next is when I was at your house on your bed and suddenly woke up real quick like I was having a nightmare? It is because I was. I have had many, many of them and sometimes have trouble when I am alone falling asleep. Knowing things hurt, but i can get past them. It’s the things I don’t know that haunt me. It isn’t necessarily about what happened, I couldn’t stand and still not that you never told me. This relationship needs to have a fresh start and I think you agree. You have told me about how you felt like deleting the pictures that we have because they remind you of some bad times. For me, having a fresh start is knowing that when hits the fan that you can, no matter the consequences, you will be honest with me. This is a huge deal, and probably the most important of all. I don’t know why/if you didn’t tell me what really happened, but I suspect there could be a few reasons. 1 That you don’t think others have a right to know your private business. Or 2 you love me and didn’t want to hurt or lose me. Or 3, you didn’t think it matters, which knowing you now, cannot possibly be true. The thing is, I do have a right to know because it involved me and because I am not just anybody, I am the person you love and your lover who deserves it from you. Since you love me, I am sure that it bothers you that I feel this way and that you could keep something from me and not be honest…it is just human nature. I am your lover and quite possibly your future partner. I’ve said this, but I want to know when hits the fan that I can count on you to tell me. Wouldn't you like to know that even though everything is on the table, we could still make it through? Or, that even though we broke up, we broke up giving everything and knowing neither you or I continued living in a lie? Please don’t hesitate to tell me even though it would hurt me or hurt you to say it. We have an opportunity to start a totally new thing together; one where we both know each other on the most intimate level. No matter how much you value this relationship or me, i want you to understand how much the truth matters. Please let me know now so i can move beyond these feelings. END I cannot tell you how much this means atm. I have X posted to lovershack bc I have very little time to memorize. Thank you Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Okay - what is your goal, here? What is the result you are seeking with this talk. So you basically started seeing eachother in January, but were more official in March or April. I would not bring up what happened at the wedding if it was months ago. Just use this as more or less of a journal entry to let it go. Do you remember the day of Jeff’s bbq how all of a sudden I started acting weird on our way to his house? It was because you started talking about our first date and the beginning of our relationship. Why did it upset you for her to talk about your first date? Bottom line, are you trying to get her to confess more about what happened in February? Is that your goal, here? Or are you upset that she didn't tell her friends right off the bat that she was dating someone? I get that sense rather than you are telling her you want to commit. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 The problem with acting like a couple but not having the talk about exclusivity...is that each of you puts the start date somewhere different. It would be insanity to bring up what did or didn't happen in Feb in October. Either put it behind you or break up. You have decided to lay a trap, and have been acting out at weddings and bbq's based on your perception that she hooked up with h an ex 8 months ago. And yet you haven't mentioned it to her. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 My goal here is I do not trust that she has told me the truth about that night and possibly other events. I want her to tell me When she talked about our first date, it reminded me of what happened in the beginning of our relationship. I still think about it as fresh because i just found out a at the wedding which was about a month ago. They say it take a while to get trust again and I want that too. We are already in a committed relationship, but yes, I want her to tell me everything. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I believe that once you start acting like a couple, that is the start of the relationship. For something like this to happen, my values tell me it is the equivalent of cheating. Just by saying "we are now bf and gf" is very "high school". Once you are older, it is implied by actions Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I believe that once you start acting like a couple, that is the start of the relationship. For something like this to happen, my values tell me it is the equivalent of cheating. Just by saying "we are now bf and gf" is very "high school". Once you are older, it is implied by actions That's great. It would have made sense to ask her then if she believed the same thing. Sorry Charlie...actions don't imply anything. You didn't need to give her your varsity jacket, but adults have conversations...not assumptions and expectations. You both decide that you want a manogamous relationship. And adults also have discussions when they find out information about their SO that needs clarification. They don't act out, and they don't lay traps. It would appear that instead of a game of "truth or dare" and a reset button, it is time to pull the plug on this house of cards. Where there is no trust, love cannot grow. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 How is this a trap? We have talked about it and I do not believe her. Love can exist when there is no trust; I am living it. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You don't believe her? What is she supposed to do...produce a video? You are calling her a liar. Whether she is lying or not, you don't trust her. And she knows that. So you guys are simply going through the motions of a faux relationship, waiting for the next big blow up. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 How is this a trap? We have talked about it and I do not believe her. Love can exist when there is no trust; I am living it. By acting out at bbqs and weddings instead of just saying "Ever since I found out about you and Old Flame making out, it has bothered me" is what is being referred to. Or doing a gotcha like - "oh, remember our first date?" "yes, i remember. I loved it. We went to x movie and then did x". "Ha ha - GOTCHA - you are lying because you made out with OLD FLAME on X, so you are lying that you thought it was out first date." When two people go out on a first date, it doesn't always mean "from this day forward I am only dating you." Sometimes that happens, but more often than not, people go out with multiple people and then gradually couple off. If you guys didn't say "let's not see other people", she was within her rights to see Old Flame. With my boyfriend and I, we were both upfront that we were not seeing anyone else, that we were not looking for something casual, etc., and then by maybe the 5th date were talking about what we were really ultimately looking for (did we individually see ourselves married, having kids, staying in our current state or did we have plans or dreams to move to the other side of the country). Right now - you have a choice - you can choose to believe her and trust her when she told you she made out with OlD flame and it was nothing more than that and that you guys had just started seeing eachother, but were not yet exclusive. Or you can decide to constantly needle her about and be suspicious that they had sex. Drop the talk about being a future partner, how important honesty is, and just say "I am still having trouble with the idea that you made out with Old Flame when i thought we were exclusive." Or you break up with her. I think the problem is equally yours that you didn't communicate with her along the way and just fell into the relationship. And now you are upset that her perception of things is different. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Is it wrong of me not to trust her? I cannot help how I feel. I do not want to remain in a relationship where I feel like I have to be ignorant of my feelings or the past, that is why I have decided to talk to her with my "trap". I know the condition of this relationship and I cannot go on any longer burying this in the back of my mind. It is not unreasonable to talk to her about it because I am the other 50% in what we have. If she demanded the truth from me, I would tell her regardless if she thought I was lying in the past or not. People can move beyond lies and indiscretion, holding them from your partner does not allow for people to grow. I want to feel comfortable with the person I love. I want to be able to make a sound judgement with all of the information. If adults have to talk about monogamy, then talking about all things is a requirement as well. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 You said you already talked about it and you don't believe her. You and she disagree as to when the relationship,started. For you, it started on the first date. For her, it started a month or so later, so whatever she did with old flame wasn't cheating in her book, as you guys had not decided to be exclusive. Or, more accurately, you assumed you were exclusive and she assumed you guys were not. You can talk until you are blue in the face. It doesn't change the past, and it doesn't change the fact that the start date of this love affair is not agreed upon. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 The is no objective truth here. There is your version and start date and her version and start date. Neither of you is right or wrong. You simply disagree. And that is the problem with assumptions instead of conversation/agreements. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 The "first date" was going alone to a restaurant together. We talked everyday for a month and hung out every weekend, the "date" was just getting together for dinner, it is just an arbitrary label that she has used. How can having multiple partners at once even be ok? This isn't the wilderness It isn't a cut and dry thing to say "I have this problem...", or break up with her. I would expect that if the person I LOVE has a serious problem with something, that she would talk about it before breaking up with me. I have a right to fight for this, and that is what I am doing! I do not want to break up with her. I want to trust her. This is why I am talking to her about how I do not think she has told me the truth. She has admitted that is was a mistake. She has told me HERSELF that she doesn't think it is ok to be making out with someone else while you are talking to another, it isn't just me. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Then what is the problem? She did it, she admits it was a mistake. You are simply proving to her that you cannot let it go. It was 8 months ago. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 The is no objective truth here. There is your version and start date and her version and start date. Neither of you is right or wrong. You simply disagree. And that is the problem with assumptions instead of conversation/agreements. If the end of a relationship happens on one day, and on the next day one of the participants sleeps with another person, is that ok? What if it was your SO? What I am getting at is there are things that are implied. If we are in a library that doesn't have a sign that says "Dont Yell", and we yell, people get mad. It doesn't matter when the official "date" is, it matters because of the consideration we have as feeling humans. It should NOT be ok for anyone to sleep around with multiple partners and say "Ummm, I pick YOU". I appreciate your opinion on the matter an that is why I came here. I am going to be talking to her about this, I just want it to come off better. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Then what is the problem? She did it, she admits it was a mistake. You are simply proving to her that you cannot let it go. It was 8 months ago. If she admits it was a mistake and never told me about it, you can see where part of the lack of trust comes from. Yes it was 8 months ago, but I just found out a month ago, so for me it is fresh. I have read that trust can take 6 months to build again and I am prepared to stick it out. I just want to talk about it and get it behind me so I can start on those 6 months. This hopefully modified "talk" hopefully will achieve that. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Many people sleep with multiple people. That I wouldn't do it, that you wouldn't do it...does not make it wrong for someone else to do it. And she has said she made out with him, not slept with him. You need to tell her you have more information, the source and see what she says. If she sticks with her original story or now changes it and decide accordingly. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Many people sleep with multiple people. That I wouldn't do it, that you wouldn't do it...does not make it wrong for someone else to do it. And she has said she made out with him, not slept with him. You need to tell her you have more information, the source and see what she says. If she sticks with her original story or now changes it and decide accordingly. The source is the person who she did it with and I have told her it was him. I can understand why she wouldn't be truthful with me, but now I just want to know the truth so I can decide. I do not want to prompt her with he said she said, I want her to tell me on her own accord without any of that again. The "talk", I believe, takes it her right to the edge, I just want her to make the decision to jump. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 So you are going to believe him over her....I don't see your "trap" producing what you think it will. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 So you are going to believe him over her....I don't see your "trap" producing what you think it will. Than what can I say to produce what I want? That is what I really want to know! Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 He are the scenarios: 1. She made out with him, has told you....and you bring it up again. Insinuating you don't believe her. 2. You tell her his side, she says he's lying...nod you don't believe her. 3. You tell her his side, she admits (least likely) and now you see that she has lied to you. 4. You accept that nothing changes the past, including your new found dubious information....and accept that the past 8 months has grown your relationship enough to put it behind you. Only 4 has you still in a relationship at the end of the weekend. Link to comment
jwhite Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I value the truth more than I value my relationship because without it, there is none. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Why do you think HE is telling the truth and she is lying? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 How is this a trap? We have talked about it and I do not believe her. Love can exist when there is no trust; I am living it. This is your post #7....😏 Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I have a right to fight for this, and that is what I am doing! I do not want to break up with her. Here is the whole crux of the issue! You are a right fighter! You'd rather be right than happy. You are basically calling her a liar because you dont like her answers to your questions about the other guy. mhowe nailed it when she said your start date of the relationship is not the same as her start date. Therein is a huge part of the problem. You are going to badger this girl until she either says what you want to hear, to shut you up, or she tells you to hit the road. You are living in the past, fighting a battle by yourself, and you dont seem able to let it go. If you keep on not trusting her or believing in her, you will have no future with her. Link to comment
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