why does love/ marriage have to be this difficult?

[Kimsmith27]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here and I want to get an unbiased and honest insight from all of you. I apologize in advance if this gets dragging but bare with me.... I'm married 4 years and have a 1 year old son. Up until last week, my husband and I were going to purchase a house together and we were going to sign the contract.

 

Here's a brief detail of our jobs...

 

I work in a healthcare industry as a supervisor. It's very demanding and very stressful as my department is the one that brings the revenue for the organization. However, when I'm home, I turn off my work phone and don't bring work home.

 

My husband works at a financial industry as a global IT QA manager. Because his company is located throughout the world, it doesn't matter what time, if something gets escalated to him it needs his intervention. He also travels a lot... At least once or sometimes upto 3x per month.

 

He left for India for work last Saturday. Before he left, we had a huge blow out. I'm no walk in the park and I know my flaws. Nobody is perfect and neither am I. But I'm honest, I let my husband feel secure about our relationship, I'm caring, affectionate, and I'm very compassionate. My husband can also be caring and he's a good provider but our salary difference isn't much so I bring as much to the table and I'm very good with money management. But here's what I have an issue with him... He has a history of being dishonest using work as an excuse to party. When we weren't married, he used to stay out being unresponsive to my outreach, leaving me home worried sick every often. He would say he's trying to build his career and network with the big shots and that's something he had to do to get ahead...FOR HIS FAMILY (meaning me)which even until now I disagree with. He did apologize as he realized he went about it the wrong way and wishes he would have communicated better with me at that time. In result, He has hurt me so much in the past but I forgave him. But his bad habits still surface every now and then which makes it very difficult for me to forget about the past. He still uses his work as an excuse to party which later on I find out through a receipt or a statement...

 

So going back to why we had a blow out is because he allegedly was at work because something major happened and I was trying to reach him from 3-5am. I finally gave up and sent him a text saying had some explaining to do. He texts me back after 5 saying he's almost home. Maybe I should have just went to sleep in relief that he was coming home, but my anxiety kicked in and went downstairs to confront him. Maybe my delivery wasn't the best but when I saw that he was coked up I flipped. He said he needed a boost to stay up to resolve the issue. I'm very against that but according to him, it's very common in his industry. I know he doesn't use that recreationally and he doesn't do it often but something just triggered and I called him a name. He also felt he didn't need to explain as he was at work and he knew I was calling him numerous times but he couldn't click over as he was on the phone with many people from all over to explain a resolution. I was livid as I felt he could have at least texted to let me know he couldn't click over as he was on a call for an urgent matter. I felt he was ok with me worrying 2 hours and work is more of a priority... I went back to the room and locked the door behind me and told him to sleep downstairs....

 

The next day, when he was supposed to be at work by 8, he came in the room to greet our son past 11am. I couldn't bare the sight of him... I told him I needed to reconsider buying a home with him and I was not signing a contract. He then proceeded to say I'm crazy like my mother (they do not talk or get along) as he was walking out the door then added to say it was a perfect timing for India. I told him when he gets back he could pack his belongings and leave. Like I said I know my flaws... But it's due to years of frustrations of him being dismissive and his lack of compassion and understanding. He's never apologetic or remorseful when he hurts me... I need to get over it on my own but it really builds up as I just need to brush it under a rug. It can be easily resolved if he consoles me or just communicate better and resolve any misunderstanding. It's especially difficult when I breakdown and cry and I become vulnerable and share my deepest hurt or feelings to him and he sits there cold and unresponsive... I feel like I'm talking to the wall and makes me feel he's indifferent. Or at times when I'm upset and he knows he's in the wrong but yet he explodes because if he apologizes I can't express why I'm upset or hurt.

 

So here's why I couldn't endure and came here to open up. This week is our sons first week at daycare and we're adjusting. My son has been crying all day at daycare which breaks my heart to pieces. Yesterday was my bday (a text wishing a happy bday)and not only has my husband been cold to me but to our son as well. He barely calls and keeps his texts at bare minimum. He wouldn't even share his hotel info when he's accross the world. He says he'll tell me once he's home. When we spoke last on Sunday he had indicated he feels I'm stringing him along and he doesn't know what I want from him but I feel he is stringing me along. I feel he's saying that because I changed my mind to commit to a 30 year mortgage with him but I'm not certain that I can live with such an emotionless man for the rest of my life who shows no understanding or compassion. It happens too often when I cry he lets me sit there and cry without any type of consoling. I don't want my son to learn that behavior as I want him to become a caring and compassionate adult. I clearly indicated to my husband. As you can see, I have my flaws, when I'm upset I want things to be resolved quickly as possible without giving each other the cooling off time but why does he always escalate to the point where I lose my cool? I know what I did was wrong by kicking him out but I need him to be respectful to our marriage and have. A better communication. I want his commitment not a half ass of when it's convenient. Yes... I told him I was sorry but we have a deep rooted issue and need counseling to make this work. Non-negotiable. I already made an appt for my session tomorrow so I can improve for the relationship...

 

Ok so I'm ready please don't sugarcoat anything...

 

I really appreciate your feedback on this.

[alli]

I think a counselor is a great start. Do you think he will be up for it though? It will take both of you to participate.

 

I think he sounds like he's not interested in the responsibilities of a marriage. While I think that both people need to maintain some level of independence, he is resistant to the idea of letting you know where he is at overnight or even telling you the name of his hotel when he travels. Granted, that one specifically is probably just a response to the fight but still. Why does he refuse to support you emotionally?

 

I think if you want something from him you need to tell him what it is. If you need consolement, you need to tell him that rather than expecting he will do it when you cry.

 

Threatening to end a relationship as a means to change their behavior in the way that you want is a bad strategy. Even when you're angry at him, that needs to be a decision made when your head is cool and not in the heat of an argument.

 

Using coke is a really bad idea. I understand that some people do it to have the energy to meet the rigorous demands of their job, but really. It's bad for your health and he could get in legal trouble for that. Does he keep it in the house? Does this create a risk that CPS will take your child away, as you knew (or should have known) that illegal substances were in the residence where you and your child resides? This is something you should look into. I'm all for saving your marriage if you guys can do it but your child must come first.

 

I think learning both of you attending counseling to learn how to handle conflict will go along way but it also sounds like the issues go deeper than that. I hope things get better for you.

[Kimsmith27]

Thank you so much for your comment.

 

No he would never bring that in our home. We have been in counseling before but never aggressively. Yes we do have deep rooted issues... Lack of trust is a big factor I don't trust him because of his behavior. As you indicated he wants stability but how? I don't get the stability from him when it comes to our marriage. I feel he doesn't know what a marriage is and sometimes act as if he's single. I want his commitment and support in all. It's so frustrating feeling he's not all in as I am. I'm hoping to find some answers to which way my life will go through counseling. I love my husband to death but I need him to fulfill this void I have but is he capable or willing? He is 7 years junior... Maybe responsibility of a marriage is too much for him. I think he rather just focus on his career. Idk hope I get my answers soon as I can't bare to live like this... 7 years of this is just too much to endure, although he has evolved and better now than before but some things are the same like his lack of emotions which I feel it's from his childhood.. Hope he agrees to save our marriage and seek counseling.

[Willywagtail]

You need to go to counselling. It seems you both want your own way and refuse to compromise. You can't communicate, and you fight unfair.

 

Threatening to leave is never a good option. Threatening to do something which will save your marriage is a much better one! You need to learn to talk to each other and understand the differences between you. You seem to want his acceptance of you - warts and all - but are not prepared to reciprocate. Relationships are about compromise.

 

Also, he seems to still want to live the single lifestyle. Drugs, parties, late night, etc. If you are to both be the best parents to your child, then he will need to compromise. You're right. It's not all about his work.

[thejigsup]

You cry like a baby and threaten him. He plays cold and dismissive in an attempt to "get even" with you. This will take tons of work from both of you and I don't see that happening. Stick a fork in this one, it's just about done.

[Lester]

"I know what I did was wrong by kicking him out but I need him to be respectful to our marriage and have."

- Stop second guessing yourself! You decided to stop being a doormat..., Good for you!

 

First of all, it's nothing about the house or you.

He was a party-jerk/druggie when you met him but had many chances to change/improve into a loving husband/father.

 

He chose not to!

You in a non-marriage.

 

Contact a lawyer and start the process of setting him free.

Once you do, don't be surprised when party-boy wants back in.

 

That's the time you lay out the rest of your life.

 

 

PS, Please stop thinking/talking about material things..., they are just adding to your confusion.

 

PS2, "He then proceeded to say I'm crazy like my mother (they do not talk or get along) as he was walking out the door then added to say it was a perfect timing for India."

- What a CLOWN!

[Hollyj]

This is deep-rooted. He will not change. he also sounds like he has an addiction problem. I mean, who does coke!!!

[Kimsmith27]

Thank you all for taking your moment to share your thoughts. I appreciate everyone's input on this. I have recognized my flaws and I am putting my best foot forward to change myself and my behavior for the better. It would mean the world to me to fix our issues and provide a stable home for our son as he comes first. But I cannot do it alone.

 

My husband sent me an email of where he is staying last night so I'm sort of relieved but other thing that's going through my head is, was he with a female and now that she left he is sharing this info kinda thing... He usually sends me his itinerary so I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that it took him this long to share because he was upset with me.

 

To be clear... I was giving an example of how cold he can be when I cry. I do not cry much but when I do cry he doesn't show any emotions was what I was trying to convey.

 

Anyways I'm looking forward to my session tonight and hope I can feel more at ease.

[bulletproof]

Hi everyone,

 

 

When we weren't married, he used to stay out being unresponsive to my outreach, leaving me home worried sick every often.

 

So you had this information before you married, and you chose to go through with the marriage and have a child.

You've made your choices. You knew exactly who he was when you married him.

I don't think that crying, and then being upset when he doesn't react to crying, is your best course of action. The counseling, however, is a good idea.