My ex-girlfriend is a Narcissist, how do I confront her?

[Ghosted]

Hello all, I posted a thread yesterday explaining how I was future-faked, and ghosted by my ex-girlfriend earlier this month, and through the numerous replies from the wonderful members here, I came to the hard conclusion that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This was something that I was already throwing around in my head, but with the reinforcement from the replies I received, I further studied Narcissism and NPD and she literally embodies all the attributes that come with NPD.

 

To get a idea of what happened, you can read my last post (which is very long, don't blame you if you skip over it lol) here:

 

 

I have read that people who suffer from NPD often have had traumatic experiences in their adolescent to teen years. My ex-girlfriend lost her mom to cancer when she was 12 and I believe that's where it all started. She no longer had her mother to guide her through her formidable, impressionable years as a teen and therefore began to create a false self of identity. She also moved a lot during those years, she is from Upstate NY, then moved to PA suburbs, to NJ, then back to PA where she is now. During these transitions she was never able to build stable friendships and therefore started to create a false sense of self to seek out acceptance and recognition.

 

She said something to me one day that seemed insignificant at the time, but now speaks volumes upon further investigation. She told me that she used to catfish people all the time, by using a pretty girl's picture's whom she went to school with, to 'mess' with guys via social media. Now thinking about it, that's the epitome of what narcissism is at its core, creating a false identity to receive admiration/acceptance amongst others.

 

Now when we met, she was her real-self, and I believe that to be the case for the majority of our relationship, I've seen her vulnerable side, her pain, I've seen her breakdown, and I loved her through it all. It wasn't until she ended things where I began to see this other side of her. Up to the days she cut ties with me, I was thinking to myself, "this isn't her, this isn't the same girl I fell in love with." She seemed so different, like she changed personalities (red flag) and started doing things that were so uncharacteristic of the girl I've been with for 10 months. I lost the woman I love, inside the woman I love. The amount of selfies she has taken is unreal (which she has never really done in the past) and the attention she is receiving is even further backing up my claim.

 

I know I fell in love with her REAL-SELF. I strongly believe her true self is the love of my life. The day we met she was the most genuine person I have ever encountered and I never hit it off with anyone like this before. I am city kid, Northeast Philadelphia born and raised (cue Fresh Prince theme song), I have traveled all over the world, I am well-educated, from a lower-middle class background, and have mets numerous people through my life and therefore I am able to read people's personalities (most of the time) without them having to speak a word, and I believe this is one of my strongest attributes. However, I do not know everything and do not know how to approach my ex about my concerns of her possible NPD.

 

Another problem is that she has NO family around her. She has been living on her own for about 3 years, ever since her dad left for Tennessee to live with his brothers. Her extended family is scattered all throughout Brooklyn and Upstate NY and the only person she has is her younger sister (21), who is another story all to herself. To sum it up her sister isn't much of an emotional support system and neither are any of her friends. I strongly believe I am the only one (aside from her sister, which is debatable) that knows her true-self. I feel like I NEED to be the one to confront her about it because I am the only one who is aware of this facade.

 

I am in no way trying to use this as a way of getting her back because right now I know I cannot be with her. She has hurt and disrespected me too much to try and leverage this as a means to re-connect. I love her and believe she needs someone to let her know about her possible NPD, because no one else will. I already swallowed the fact that I probably lost her so I am not afraid of harming my chances even more so. She was more than just the girl I love but my best-friend throughout the entire time and that's the person I want to see come back.

 

I know I cannot change her, she can only change herself, but I'm looking for a way to confront her about potentially seeking a psychiatrist or some sort of cognitive-therapy council. I do not believe she or her sister had therapy after their mom passed and if that is the case I can understand more so why neither of them learned to cope with the loss. I just don't know what to do, the girl I love is somewhere trapped in her head, and that's the girl I miss and want to see again. We have not spoken since Aug 7th, and I'm under the impression she does not wish to see/hear from me right now (lack of empathy - another flag). So this makes it a little harder to try and figure out what to do. Should I wait a few more weeks? A month? Do I talk to one of her family members? I can't imagine that going too well either. And if I am successful of getting her to speak with me, how do I even approach the subject and have her being receptive to hearing "I believe you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder." After all, what narcissist would want to hear that, or even believe it to be true?

 

I appreciate any and all opinions. Thank you guys.

 

- Frank (24)

[TMifune]

Be careful diagnosing an ex with narcissism. There are many things in a normal breakup that appear narcissistic.

 

If your ex is really a narcissist then there is no point in confronting her. She will do absolutely anything to protect her false self. Confronting her is just another source of narcissistic supply for her. Also, if she really is a narcissist then it's very likely you have some codependent tendencies. So unless you've healed or learned how to protect yourself, the likely outcome of confronting her is going to be deeper wounds for yourself......and it's not going to affect or change her in the slightest.

[mhowe]

It is not your place to diagnose her condition nor push her toward therapy. She is not "trapped in her head".

 

You have had people on an internet forum give you advice, which you have grabbed on to as the Holy Grail as to why your break up may have occurred. You have not spoken in 3 weeks. That is normal for a break up.

 

You are now viewing every action thru this lense of NPD when in fact, it is much more likely that she simply was done with the relationship and is acting out because she feels like it. Her not wanting to hear from you is not lack of empathy, it is moving on.

 

You do no approach her family or her. You move on.

[reinventmyself]

From what you've shared, I don't see narcissism but maybe someone that had a pretty tough childhood.

Sometimes when we are hurting and trying to make sense of things we feel better if we can label them with something horrific so it makes us feel better.

 

By the looks of it she might be someone with some self esteem issues and struggles with emotional connections, but based on her upbringing, why wouldn't she?

Having said that. . everyone has a different level of self esteem and attachment style.

 

Take your time and when the time passes you may see it differently.

You were two people that just couldn't make each other happy.

 

I read all these phrases you use `real self', 'future faked, etc. I can tell you've pursuing the internet trying to make sense of this breakup.

It's ok. . a lot of us do. Just be kind to yourself and give it sometime.

[Ghosted]

I have been thinking about this a lot, I know her, and I know the person I fell in love with isn't the person she is now. Multiple people, myself, family and friends, have said similar opinions, so I'm not just irrationally looking for any reason to grasp onto. This is a legitimate concern and there is more to this story than what you are reading which is why I have linked my original post.

 

If someone you loved was possibly suffering from a Personality disorder, I'm sure you'd feel the same.

[RainyCoast]

you don't get to have her hear from you she's personality disordered and needs help. you leave her potential pd to her.

 

whether she's cut contact because she lacks empathy, is stonewalling as in cooking you to take her back when she eventually offers you crumbs, or genuinely seeks to move on with zero contact is of no concern to you. it's your concern to cut contact on your side and focus on your own healing. perhaps also look into why you deem "repair of a disordered personality" your responsibility.

 

she's old enough to decide whether she's in need of help or not. if she's genuinely narcissistic (i don't believe analysing, diagnosing and labeling her is necessary for any other purpose than that of understanding why you'd enterntain an unhealthy persona and relationship dynamic and reevaluating your own sense of boundaries and self-worth maybe) then i guarantee you "she's not the one with the problem, it's everything and everyone else"- and in the event that she admits to being the issue it'll be to play the "poor me, mental health patient, i need cruches and a trash bin for my psychological anguish" part that you'll be sucked into enabling before you can say sucker.

 

I just don't know what to do, the girl I love is somewhere trapped in her head, and that's the girl I miss and want to see again.

you can't fix this. you can't cajole a "good" her out of the fake persona. She's choosing the fake persona and created it of her own volition, she chooses to live inside this fake shell and to morph into her. If you want to date real people, don't be a Rescuer.Whatever her issue is, you're her ex and out of the picture. If she chooses to have her issues addressed, she'll seek out a therapist.

[reinventmyself]

I have been thinking about this a lot, I know her, and I know the person I fell in love with isn't the person she is now. Multiple people, myself, family and friends, have said similar opinions, so I'm not just irrationally looking for any reason to grasp onto. This is a legitimate concern and there is more to this story than what you are reading which is why I have linked my original post.

 

If someone you loved was possibly suffering from a Personality disorder, I'm sure you'd feel the same.

 

People with personality disorders don't change.

If there is an `improvement' or `recognition' it typically begins with them and their desire to work on things.

It definitely doesn't happen when someone they no longer deem necessary in their life comes back and tells them there is something wrong with them.

Not a good idea . . .trust us on this one.

[mhowe]

If she had NPD, she had it from the day you met her. It didn't just start up ----it's a personality disorder. Not a passing phase.

 

You are grasping at straws. So ----

 

to answer your question again: You do not confront her, nor her family. No one appointed you Sir Fix-a-lot.

[reinventmyself]

and out of all the disorders. . if she does indeed have it. . or anyone for that matter. . NPD does not change.

 

The beauty or the curse of NPD is that they cannot see themselves or be objective about themselves.

So trying to force someone with NPD to be introspective is absolutely futile.

Change only happens with introspection.

[Ghosted]

I understand that, I just wasn't sure if this is something that I try to convey to her myself. Yes, I also know this is something she would of had the day we met and a long time prior, but hind-sight is twenty-twenty and now I'm starting to see some flags where NPD is a viable possibility.

 

If I had the answer I wouldn't be here here. I just wasn't sure if this was something I even remotely try to dive into.

I appreciate your comment, minus the condescending remark at the end.

[sara-pezzini]

It's simple, you cannot ever diagnose another person with a personality disorder or mental illness.

I see it on here so often after a break up, people try to make sense of it all so the ex must have some kind of disorder to have acted this way.

Bull!

You guys moved way too fast and she got caught up in the honeymoon stage and now she woke up and realized there was no love beyond the infatuation stage.

Trying to label her with a disorder is wrong towards her but also an insult to those who actually struggle with illnesses and disorders

[Clinton]

Hey, everyone who ever dumped me was nuts. All my friends exes are crazy too. I'm sensing a trend here.

 

Diagnosing someone using comments made on an online help forum is one if the stupidest, most pointless pursuits known to mankind.

 

No one here is qualified to do that. The people who push their diagnosis on here just looked up symptoms online and came away with a convenient diagnosis because they like to try and look smart.

 

Diagnosing someone using Wikipedia is really not the way to go.

 

You got dumped. Accept it and leave her alone. You really are grasping at straws.

[eldasensei]

OP I think you should take a step back and just focus on yourself. You are not responsible for her or for any other persons problems. They are.

Most importantly you are responsible for your own problems, health and life in general.

 

I agree with the others that you are not in a position to label her. Especially when you're emotional. It's a perfect combination for a irrational behavior or in this case conclusion. I can relate this to something like hypochondriac. I bet you had a time where you were afraid of having a big health issue, and searched your symptoms up on the internet and found a disturbing label. And most probably were convinced that you had that label only to find out, after some time and a few general practitioner consults, that there was nothing wrong with you.

I believe this is the same case. Except it's not fear that is "convincing" you but false hope.

 

It might just be that she has this NPD, or it might not. But that is not important right now. You're digging in too deep, unnecessarily. Try to focus more on yourself or your own problems. If you believe she has NPD, you should know that most of the times codependent people attract these types. It might at least be better in looking up if you have some of these tendencies and work on them. Even if you have some of these symptoms or similar behaviours, doesn't mean you have it or she has it.

[relevart]

Dear Ghosted;

 

I was hoping you could help me out with a problem since you seem so good diagnosing conditions without medical training. I don't like to get on elevator with people and will take the stairs to avoid it. Is there something wrong with me? I think it started when I was younger and my mother tricked me into getting onto an elevator without her. Any insight would could offer would be kindly appreciated.

 

(end snarcasm, begin advice)

 

Move on. It's not your concern. You also can't diagnosis people without a degree although I did see Horatio Cane do it last night on an old "CSI: Miami"

[TMifune]

So I think we all agree he's in no position to make a diagnosis, but do we have to belittle him? He's just trying to make sense of his breakup.

[Ghosted]

I find it hypocritical when others are belittling me when saying I am not in a position to diagnosis a problem, however, isn't this site run on advice and helping others diagnose problems and situations? I also never said she definitely had it, I stated that I could be wrong, and I am not a psychiatrist, but when something barks like a dog, looks like a dog, feels like a dog, you can make an educated guess it's probably a f*****g dog.

 

I appreciate all the good feedback though. Minus the few condescending, patronizing remarks. I'm not perfect, nor am I always right, but to put me down because I'm trying to make some sense out of a situation where I received no closure, and struggling to find an answer so I can move on with my life is just f****d up. If you're going to be a troll do it on Facebook or somewhere where people aren't seeking actual meaningful advice.

[sara-pezzini]

Well I'm no troll, else i would be on here trolling away for 10 years.

But you are looking at this only through NPD glasses and so you make everything fit that explanation.

And i do think that it is very wrong and condescending to actually feel that you ate the one who has to tell her she had this disorder.

She is done and is NC no matter why, do you really think it will go accross wel if her ex comes to her and tells her she isn't acting normal, she in fact has NPD?

Also all this love of my life stuff after only 10 months of knowing her is a little much!

I broke up with my ex after 11 years of knowing him and i went NC, and i would certainly be extremely pissed if he now contacted me and told me i have a disorder and that's why i did what i did!

You cannot diagnose someone else! Nor should you do that

[Clinton]

No one gives you closure except you. No one's explanation as to why is ever going to suffice.

 

You'll never get the real reason for a breakup. Often they don't really know themselves. All they know is their feelings have died.

 

So, just accept it's over and move on.

 

And don't become a psychiatrist

[ThatwasThen]

Sorry if this has been touched on already but I haven't read any of the replies before posting.

 

I think you should google "White Knight Syndrome" and then get the help you need to stop trying to save this damsel. You have a codependent tendency to fix and you are lacking in personal boundaries when you show us that you should get yourself involved any further with someone who, (if she does) has NPD or Borderline personality disorder. Those two disorders need extensive psycho therapy and its not your place nor should it be your concern now to tell her to do anything.

 

You shouldn't "confront" her about any of it. You should look after your own self and work on what appears to be your own WKS and learn to quickly distance yourself from people who are showing you dysfunctional behaviour.

 

I'll also add that if she does have NPD or BPD then her "true" self is not who you first met. That would be her "mirroring" you and making herself appear to be your perfect match. Google "Mirroring in Borderline Personality Disorder" and see what I'm talking about.

[Clinton]

Hey, if he can't diagnose her with NPD, you can't diagnose him with a syndrome either.

 

What is this, an amateur psychiatrists convention.

[agent1607307371]

My ex-girlfriend is a Narcissist, how do I confront her?

 

You don't. You are not her boyfriend or a doctor so it's not your place at all to say anything.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll add that if you want help with this by people that have been with other halves that have actually been diagnosed with BPD and NPD you can go to a site that is especially for spouses/SO of those afflicted for support. I'm not trying to discourage you from posting here as well.

 

Here's links to those type of forums.

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

Don't forget to google "White Knight Syndrome" and see if you can relate to any of that in yourself.

[agent1607307371]

isn't this site run on advice and helping others diagnose problems and situations?.

 

This is an advice site, but no one on here is capable or qualified to diagnose medical issues - be they physical or psychological.

[ThatwasThen]

Hey, if he can't diagnose her with NPD, you can't diagnose him with a syndrome either.

 

What is this, an amateur psychiatrists convention.

No one is diagnosing anyone. I am suggesting that he is showing a whole lot of tendencies that people who have White Knight Syndrome have and he should look into that so he can check himself when/if he finds himself trying to save someone from themselves again in the future.

[Clinton]

This is an advice site, but no one on here is capable or qualified to diagnose medical issues - be they physical or psychological.

 

This, 100 percent.