My HOCD (I believe it's what it is) wont stop :(

[rgr1998]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 17 year old boy with a problem that is seriously making my life a living hell. I believe I suffer from HOCD and I want it to stop.

 

!Before reading – whenever I talk about getting aroused, anxiety (or a feeling of sickness) is always present at the time of and after the arousing feeling.

 

First, let me tell you why I think I suffer from HOCD:

 

I had never ever before doubted my sexual orientation, this is, straight. I watch porn since I was 12, but it never got to any extreme stuff. I only watched straight porn and sometimes lesbian porn and I loved them both. Over the years I realized I like to watch mainly POV blowjobs or handjobs (girl on guy). One day I realized I had lost some interest in women (both in real life and in “normal sex” porn videos, as in, I liked to watch the videos and to look at girls, but I didn’t get hard although I got aroused [my heart beat faster and I got a feeling of wanting to have sex with a real women]) and I couldn’t get hard while thinking of or looking at real women, and I thought I was asexual. After researching I found porn induced ED and that the extensive use of porn might’ve caused this lack of interest in women, and so I decided to go through the no PMO challenge. Unfortunately, I never got past the 1st month on all my tries, and on one of those relapses I had the unfortunate thought of “if I look at a guy masturbating, will I get hard?” and so when I was searching for a video like that I was already getting excited like this was something crazy to do (I was getting a soft erection by this point, and also a weak feeling of sickness in my stomach, probably anxiety). I noticed that the videos that only showed the penis attracted me more, I didn’t want at all to see the guy’s face or body. I masturbated to the video and I ejaculated. After that event, I sometimes went to look for penis pictures, mainly the ones with precum or cum because those were the most attractive to me, and I was only attracted to the penis and never the man itself. I masturbated to some of those pictures and I liked it but it never came to my head that I could be gay because afterall it was just a penis, but then it hit me: “you are not aroused by girls anymore although you like their beauty and always look at their face and body, they are attractive; but you do get erections and get aroused when looking at those videos and pictures of penises” and so the (supposed) HOCD started, but it wasn’t so strong as it is now. At that time, I started doubting if I really loved my girlfriend since I didn’t get erections when thinking of her (although I get them almost every time we make out even just a little, and I get them when we get intimate and we are on foreplay, but most of the time I lose the erection after prolonged foreplay and I have to touch my penis to get it hard again, and sometimes I don’t get a full erection. Also, when we go past the foreplay, I don’t get the feeling of arousement like I got when I watched the penis pictures and videos or the one I got when I first started watching porn, but instead it’s like I get focused on giving her the best pleasure she will ever have and don’t get me wrong, I love pleasuring her). At the time I was doubting my feelings for my girlfriend, I was anxious every single day the whole day, but that is in the past. Currently, I am 110% sure that I love my girlfriend (which btw she is aware of everything about this problem of mine) and I don’t get anxious when thinking if I love her because now I don’t have any doubt. Now, my anxiety comes from somewhere else, which gets me to my second point.

 

Currently, what makes me more anxious are the thoughts that come to my mind. Out of nowhere, I start thinking about how it would feel to me if I gave a blowjob to someone, if I’d like to have a nice good-looking soft skinned penis in my mouth (I have to refer that when I picture it in my mind, I don’t see the penis in front of me, it’s like I see someone sucking it but I can’t see the person’s face). These appear more often when I wake up and when I go to sleep. In the beginning I accepted that thought and I got very aroused by it and masturbated to it until orgasming, which I enjoyed (and as I write this I feel somewhat aroused but also sick, anxious). At the end of this experience I started wanting to suck on a real penis (Although sometimes that desire is not always true. Sometimes I feel disgusted when thinking about that but most of the times I get aroused by that thought and I tell myself someday I want to have a similar experience on real life) Since that event, I am completely scared that I might be gay and those thoughts and fantasies are getting stronger and stronger. I don’t want this, I never did. I never liked men before. I don’t want to be gay, I want to like women like I always did and I want to be with women, marry a women, have kids with a women, die loving a women. I don’t want to have these thoughts and desires anymore. I want to be completely attracted and aroused by my girlfriend and women in general and I am scared that the next time we are intimate I will either not be able to get an erection because of anxiety (which has happened before I even starting having gay thoughts) or have an erection and enjoy being with her but suddenly those thoughts coming to my mind. I don’t even want to be bisexual but currently I find those fantasies more arousing then the thought of being with women. I want to make it clear that I still enjoy thinking about women and fantasising about them, I just dont get aroused easily with that and those fantasisies dont come to my mind like the other ones that bother me. Even today I watched some of the leaked Jennifer Lawrence’s nudes, and I was strangely more aroused than usual when looking at her, I don’t remember the last time I got so aroused while looking at a women, but suddenly a picture of a man came up, he had a towel around his waist with part of his penis showing (not erect) and the face of the man didn’t appear, and the feeling of arousement increased a lot, more than the one I had when looking at Jennifer, but with the arousement came the anxiety.

 

Is this HOCD? Can it make me more aroused by penises instead of women even though I never thought about that before and even though I was always aroused by women until this started? How can I stop this madness?

I'm trying the no PMO challenge again and this time I will do it. I want to see the outcome after at least 3 months. Will this fix all of this?

 

Edit: I forgot to say that when I first got scared that I am gay, I immediately started saying to myself "if you are gay, you will kill yourself because you wont be able to live a homossexual life, that's not what you ever wanted for you"

[Capricorn3]

It is never ever wise to self-diagnose with anything. If you believe there is something wrong then go and see a doctor for a proper professional medical diagnosis.

[rgr1998]

I dont want to talk about this to my parents or even just my mom and I dont want to waste my parents money on therapists if this is something that will end in a couple of months

[thejigsup]

It will not end without help. Bite the bullet and tell your parents. This is not a waset of time. Can you imagine going through this the rest of your life? It is very dangerous to self-diagnose. Leave that to a professional.

[rgr1998]

what if i find out i am actually gay? i seriously dont want that and i will seriously consider suicide, I just need people to give me their thoughts if this seems to be HOCD

[Birdie]

You need to speak to a professional, none of us here are fit to diagnose you or give you our thoughts on it. We are just strangers on the internet who can offer personal opinions. When it comes to severe anxiety and mental health diagnoses, you need to seek out help in person.

 

Please look into meeting with a therapist if not a doctor, you should have access to one through your school.

[melancholy123]

What is HOCD?

 

I too think you need therapy, and I totally get you dont want to tell your parents, so if you can find a way to get help and not tell them maybe that's the way to do it. Nobody here is qualified to diagnose you.