Hermes Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Snoopy. You have to do that all by yourself, on your own, not by means of online people. The last thing that will help you is the online dating thing right now. Link to comment
sadchick83 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I agree with Hermes. I would not do online dating until your skin is a little thicker, or even never. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 It is much better for you to keep going to a therapist and healing yourself first before finding anybody else to date. Find out and change why you're so emotionally unavailable to anybody. And heal why you felt the need to be really emotionally abusive to someone. Do all that before you date again or it will just end up the same. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 I feel really lost. I don't have that many friends, and the friends that I do have have young families. They don't really have time to hang out much. I work full time, with only a couple other people in my office, I take university classes online. I don't have a social life. My siblings don't live close enough to hang out with that often. After a couple of years his friends became my friends. Mine were all doing the family thing and they just got busy. It was nice, because we all had a really good time together, and it didn't bother me because I had planned on being in a relationship with him indefinitely. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 It's just so overwhelming that every single aspect of my life has changed. For the worse. I guess that probably means that I leaned on him a little too much for my own happiness. I didn't realize it at the time, because I was happy. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Everybody has to have their own supports. Thing is though you can't abuse somebody indefinitely and expect them to keep taking it. Nor should he have. But you have to build your own life now regardless. Link to comment
Hermes Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 That's how it is, Snoopy. This bad moment, this terrible experience will pass. But as Victoria pointed out, wisely, you do need to heal yourself, get yourself into a better place in your mind, become "yourself" again. The object lesson here is never, ever, to become too dependent or enmeshed with anyone, spouse or otherwise. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 It is much better for you to keep going to a therapist and healing yourself first before finding anybody else to date. Find out and change why you're so emotionally unavailable to anybody. And heal why you felt the need to be really emotionally abusive to someone. Do all that before you date again or it will just end up the same. I plan on continuing the counseling. About the being emotionally abusive, I told my counselor I thought I was, and after I explained some situations to her, she said that she didn't think that I was. She said I didn't handle my emotions the way that I should have, but I wasn't an emotional abuser. On one hand, that made me feel a little better, but on the other hand it made me feel worse because he and I both believed that I was. That that was the problem. Link to comment
Hermes Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 What you mean, Snoopy, is that he convinced you that you were the emotional abuser! What a tactic. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Either way it is viewed you have to heal yourself before moving onto another relationship. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 What you mean, Snoopy, is that he convinced you that you were the emotional abuser! What a tactic. I don't think he convinced me. I thought I was too. And I'm trying to look at it from his perspective too to learn from it. I would have thought the same thing. I didn't realize I was only giving a portion of my feelings in the situation. People fight or have arguments, that's normal. But even if I wanted to say I was sorry, I was wrong or I wanted to say something good to him I wouldn't. In the times of distress I only showed my poor feelings toward him. We fought, but I didn't make up (outwardly). Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Well, if you tended to lay into him when you were drinking, I certainly could see why he thought you were at least acting in an abusive manner. You admitted you tore into him when drinking, and I believe you said you don't know why. This is why therapy is a good idea. When we do something that hurts ourselves or others and don't know why...therapy is an excellent answer. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Either way it is viewed you have to heal yourself before moving onto another relationship. I know. And I know what he thinks shouldn't matter now. This is the part I am stuck in. I know I need to move on, and I want to. I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's terrible. Logically, my brain is telling me to stop obsessing and thinking about what could have been and to move on to heal myself, but I am struggling with putting that into action. Link to comment
dabei Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I know exactly how you feel. When I saw that picture of my ex with another girl. My heart sank and I couldn't believe it. I even thought maybe they were just close friends. I couldn't sleep all night and I sent an email to ask him. Turned out he did move on.. I feel like the breakup is happening again. I was feeling much better during the past 3 months NC. but now I'm back to square 1. I feel sad, because I know I can't have any false hope of reconcilitation. I really have to move on now. My advice for you is move on. I know it's hard and I'm in the same situation, I don't even know how to, as I can't see a future without him.. BUT I need to force myself to move on, try everything I can.. This is what you need to do as well. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Well, if you tended to lay into him when you were drinking, I certainly could see why he thought you were at least acting in an abusive manner. You admitted you tore into him when drinking, and I believe you said you don't know why. This is why therapy is a good idea. When we do something that hurts ourselves or others and don't know why...therapy is an excellent answer. I understand why he felt that way too. I would lay into him, I'm sure every situation is different, but in mine she felt like it was done out of fear and anxiety about a particular situation. I've also realized why I would do this. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you, I'm sorry you're going through this too. I know I need to move on. I'm just having trouble setting it into motion. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 My next counseling appointment is Wednesday. I'm going bananas. It doesn't seem like I should be this obsessed about it for so long. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Can you call a family member or close friend and just vent to them? Ask for 15 minutes to just go on about all the things that are hurting and bothering you right now. If you set a time limit, anyone who cares about you would probably be willing to give you that. It might make you feel better. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 Can you call a family member or close friend and just vent to them? Ask for 15 minutes to just go on about all the things that are hurting and bothering you right now. If you set a time limit, anyone who cares about you would probably be willing to give you that. It might make you feel better. I'm at work right now, so it wouldn't be an appropriate time for me to call. I have a friend I talk to about it, and I feel a little better when I do, but it's pretty short lived. It doesn't surprise me that I'm upset about the breakup, but I never thought I'd take it this hard. Right now it seems like it's never going to end (even though I know eventually it will) and that when I move in a few days, I'll be back at square 1. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Well, I got moved out over the weekend, and finally got my internet hooked back up today. Unpacking and getting settled has kept me occupied. Although the breakup is still on my mind all the time, It feels really good to be able to finally start the healing process. We aren't fully NC yet, I still have a couple of things there that I'm arranging to be stored somewhere else, How much medicine am I supposed to give my dog and things like that, but I plan to be soon. I never initiate contact. Every once in a while, he'll text messages like "how'd the first night at your new place go?" or "Hey, hope you had a good weekend!" He broke up with me. He made it clear that he didn't want to try to work it out. He has a new girlfriend. I don't engage in conversation when he does this, but why does he have to keep poking?! Maybe what he's saying doesn't mean anything to him, but it's so frustrating. He's been moving on for a couple months now, and I'm just starting to. Link to comment
blanco Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 He probably means no ill intent from those comments. They're likely coming from a place of guilt, even if he's OK with the relationship being finished. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Tell him to stop texting he is giving you false hope. Link to comment
Missn1990 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Girl! I'm in the same position as you and it's not easy. You don't want to think about the person but they're constantly on your mind and then you might get angry at yourself because you're thinking about them. You have to remember that time heals everything, just like you I've been separated from my ex for 2 months, but when you think about it 2 months isn't long at all so just give it a bit of time and you'll be ok. Remember that there's better out there and you'll love again. Link to comment
snoopygal Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Tell him to stop texting he is giving you false hope. I don't really have hope anymore. I do still think about him and the relationship a lot, but I'm not looking at those texts as him rethinking anything. I just think its weird as the dumper that has already moved on to attempt small talk with me. I didn't, but it made me want to ask if his new girlfriend knows he's asking about life in my new place or my weekend Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 You don't have to ask him that, but you could ask him to stop texting you unless it's related to business you have to complete. And, you don't have to tell him why. Link to comment
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