My Girlfriend's insecurity about herself leads to both of us being upset...

[jking108]

A year ago I fell in love with a girl named Amy. Amy and I lived in a LDR for 5 months, then we decided to move into together. At times it feels like we are made for each other and that we would never separate. Then it happens.....

 

She gets so insecure that it makes us both mad. She use to be fat when she was a teenager, but now she lost a ton of weight and she looks pretty. However, she doesn't believe this. I've also seen her do weird things. She'll buy a large amount of let's say oatmeal and just throw it away bc she says it's going to make her fat. She exercises every day as well. So I tell don't worry, live life and be happy you are doing everything right.

 

She won't listen to me...then she get frustrated and stressed. This type of thinking kills everything else.She won't try on amazing clothes that make her look hot b/c she thinks she looks fat.... We can't go to many social events such as meeting up with friends or going to public places because she believes people are judging her. This then just frustrates me more and more and then she just starts crying and upset at me when I tell her that she is over reacting. I'm to the point where I'm going crazy with this stupid insecurity stuff.

 

I love her and support her in any way I can, but her beating up on her self constantly (especially when it is not needed!!!) is ridiculous to me. What can I do for us? I fear that at some point I just am going to lose patience and tell her I can do it any more. However, I really like little things that happen between. It's seriously like 50% of the time we are happy and the other 50% we are fighting because she is insecure or she will ruin time because she get upset and stressed out about herself (which I can't do anything about)....

 

Any suggestions help.Please. can someone please help me

[journeynow]

She won't try on amazing clothes that make her look hot b/c she thinks she looks fat.... We can't go to many social events such as meeting up with friends or going to public places because she believes people are judging her. This then just frustrates me more and more and then she just starts crying and upset at me when I tell her that she is over reacting. I'm to the point where I'm going crazy with this stupid insecurity stuff.

 

The clothes, drop it. She can wear whatever she's comfortable in.

 

The social events. Invite her to join you, and go without her if she doesn't want to go. People are concerned with themselves, not her.

 

Don't tell her she's over reacting. That won't get you anywhere.

[j.man]

Here's the thing. I don't blame you for being disenchanted with the whole situation. But there isn't a single thing you can do about it. These are issues meant for a therapist to work with her on, not a boyfriend. All you can do is positively reinforce her when she gives you an opportunity to.

 

That help won't come to her until she goes out and seeks that help. The fact that the insecurity plagues her to the point she limits her social exposure as much as she does is concerning. All you can do is ask yourself if you're OK riding it out until she [potentially] gets over it or seeks help to get over it. If not, it's your cue to leave and you shouldn't feel guilty for it.

 

But do NOT be the one who pushes the issue. It's hers to deal with.

[boltnrun]

You two moved in together before you really knew each other. Five months in an LDR isn't long enough to find out if you're compatible living together.

 

She needs professional help, which you cannot (obviously) provide.

 

I kind of feel sorry for her. Imagine going through life thinking you're fat and horrible.

[Patrick974]

Apparently she hasnt noticed how much weight she lost in the mirror. A quick tip would be to look at pics from her 'fatter' phase and compare to now pictures. It has worked for me. I heard your story and have girl friends who felt the same way although they were really in shape or back in shape.

 

Two things I was taught. Never call a woman 'fat' or 'old'. Much less both.

[boltnrun]

Well, I know for a fact I'm not fat...but I still look in the mirror sometimes and call myself a fat cow. I went from 118 lbs. to 126 lbs. in the past few months and I think I'm a whale (I'm 5'3" btw).

 

You don't know how many times people have told me that at a size 6, I'm not fat...but I still don't believe them. I want to be under 120 lbs. and that's that.

 

It's really, really hard to fight that self-image without professional help.

[Tayla92]

Hmmm sounds like she may be slipping into an eating disorder..

 

I was on the heavier side in my teens, then dropped a bunch of weight and just wanted to keep going and started believing I was still fat even though I saw myself in the mirror as a skeleton, I just couldn't stop.

 

I had a boyfriend, who cared for me so much and knew how much harm I was causing myself, but no one could get through to me. I had to be put in hospital to realize I was going to die if I didn't get better, but it still took me months to get back on track and in the right frame of mind. I got down to 22 kilos, was being tube fed & stuck on bed rest. I eventually overcame this, but it took a lot of support along with a lot of therapy with my family.

 

I'm not sure if there's really anything you can do to get through to her but goodluck with whatever you choose to do.

[Patrick974]

Im 6' and never been over 200. Now at 175lbs because of heat and lost of appetite.

 

Its no fun to consider yourself fat/overweight in the mirror and you cant do anything about it. Even for a man.

[jking108]

So I did know her pretty well and i knew she was insecure before we moved in together. it's just that now it is affecting more than I though it would.

 

I have thought about therapy as an option. I just feel like a bad guy if I push her to do it. What am I supposed to say, "so I think you need to go to a shrink"? I do believe she needs help, but I hate the idea of her ending up on some weird pill, but I know I am being naive here...

 

How could I get her to just think about getting help? I really don't want to push her into it.