Moving country..new man in my life

[Peanut450]

So I've been single three years. From the outside I appear attractive, confident, fun and outgoing. I have dated a lot of men and it's been quite a leRning curve for me. I haven't really met anyone I clicked with it could see myself in a relationship with. Anyway two months ago I met this amazing, one off type of man. He is attractive, together, respectful, considerate and an all round great guy..a real keeper but from the word go he has known that I am moving country soon for ten months to progress my career. I decided to move away back in February because I felt stuck in a rut. I felt I had become complacent in work, my social life was at a stand still and my confidence wasn't great because I needed to get more good things happening in my life. This guy has known about my plans to move since the start. He has been quite wary to pursue me and has admitted that as he felt I wouldn't want A relationship when I go on what he sees as this bug adventure. He has been holding back since the start and taking things quite casually as I know he's probably quite wary of getting hurt. Despite this there are definite feelings between us and I know he really cares about me. Although I know that this move has come at a bad time I feel that if I don't do it, my confidence and independence wont grow and that is something I definitely need to happen before embarking on a big relationship with this type of go getter guy. He has expressed that he has feelings for me and that he'd like to see what will happen and seems very genuine about this but then is slow to act on it. It's like when we're not together he pulls back and I'm left wondering where I stand. From his point of view I think he sees me as this very attractive girl who will have men lining up when I'm away but I don't have any interest in that. I'm crazy about this guy but I can't expect him to commit to anything before I go as it's such early days??ive told him that I'm disappointed he didn't put in a massive effort in the last few months to properly get to know me before I went so that we could see if it was worth keeping going while I'm away to which he replied that he's very wary of getting hurt and that he has done a long distance relationship before and it hasn't worked. I feel like I'm going around In this constant state of panic about it as I'm so upset that this mightn't take off and I feel like I'll never meet a guy like this again. I'm also unsure as to why he mentions meeting family members and going away together before I leave but then fails to follow through with these plans. He's a very genuine type of guy and I know he means all this when he says it but I don't know what happens in the meantime? The other day when I asked him would he be upset when I'm leaving it was written all over his face that he was going to be very upset when I went. He's a difficult person to crack but I feel like he'd be so worth it if I had the time to do it..unfortunately I'm not sure I do and I'm worried that unless we have something properly established before I go it will just fizzle out??i just feel it's different with this guy and I don't want to let him go but what can I do if he keeps pulling back??? When we're together he's very content in my company and is very attentive to me. Friends of his have told me that he has feelings for me and good friends of mine that have met him have commented on what a sincere guy he seems and also how apparent it is that's he's really into me..

[mhowe]

He is int to you but you are leaving so he has held back. It isn't that complicated. Long distance rarely works so he is enjoying today knowing it will end soon.

[Peanut450]

I really don't want it to though... I think it's so hard to meet people in life that u are attracted to and click with. His friend lives in the country im moving to for ten months and I thought that would be an extra connection to me??am I being a hopeless romantic about it?!!why does he mention meeting family members etc and then pull back??

[mhowe]

Because you are leaving and he isn't going to get in too deep. You can't make someone do long distance.

[Peanut450]

Is it that he changes his mind then when we aren't together??ill be devastated if this doesn't work..I don't feel ten months is that long a time..

[mhowe]

He simply isn't going all in because you have made it clear you are leaving. No one knows what the future holds. He doesn't expect to see you again after you leave.

[Peanut450]

And what's with the mixed signals??like plans one minute to progress things and then doesn't follow through??

[mhowe]

Yea. Because in the moment he forgets that this has an expiration date.

[Peanut450]

I just can't get on a plane then upset over this guy..should I just finish things now in order to avoid prolonging the inevitable?? Will that make him realise what he's missing???or should I just do it now anyway to avoid more heart ache??im such a romantic that I thing id wait for someone if I felt the connection was strong enough,.

[mhowe]

You never do anything to "teach someone" anything. He isn't a hopeless romantic. He is practical. You have plans to leave so he is limiting his investment in the relationship.

[mhowe]

Are you leaving the country for a limited amount of time?

[RainyCoast]

i understood she's staying abroad 10 months.

 

im such a romantic that I thing id wait for someone if I felt the connection was strong enough,.

if it is strong enough, it'll be there when you're back and you can resume it.

 

he has emphasized he's not into ldr (quite understandable btw) so forcing an ldr would be seriously wrong.

[Ms Darcy]

And what's with the mixed signals??like plans one minute to progress things and then doesn't follow through??

 

I think he's enjoying the moment but he's not in it for the long haul. You haven't known each other long enough for that.

[SoulTaker]

I just can't get on a plane then upset over this guy..should I just finish things now in order to avoid prolonging the inevitable?? Will that make him realise what he's missing???or should I just do it now anyway to avoid more heart ache??im such a romantic that I thing id wait for someone if I felt the connection was strong enough,.

 

Peanut, there is too much emphasis, and focus on this guy, and not enough on your end. You're the one that has caused the problem by dating, knowing that you would be out of the country in the near future. You should have been dating casually during that time, which means that everyone goes their own way when you leave.

 

You've made this trip a priority over the chance to see if he's a keeper. That's on you. The only thing you can do at this time is keep in touch with him periodically when you're away, to reassure him that you're not with someone in that country. That will keep you in the loop, as a competitor to anyone he dates in the future. That's the best you can do on your end until you get back. What he does in the future while you're away (dating-wise), is only known to him.

[Peanut450]

Yeah I just feel that As he's so casual in between dates while I'm in the country, which I'm finding frustrating (which I realise is probably unfair), that what chance do we have of staying in contact then when I'm away. I feel that he should have really tried to pursue this from the start, then we could have seen was it worth giving it a shot while I'm away. I just don't think it's that easy to meet someone u have genuine chemistry and I know he feels the same. I know i am the one who decided to leave but at the time I met him I didn't have the choice anymore, with work commitments etc to stay. Also as I said I feel for my personal growth, this is an important step for me, before I would embark on a serious relationship. I am an all or nothing type of person and I often let my heart guide me in these situations but he seems he doesn't do the same?? When he mentions trips away etc should I not push him on this as these are probably things he mentions in the spur of the moment and then pulls back from incase he's allowing himself get too involved?? If I had known when I planned this trip that I'd be meeting this guy I think I wouldn't have gone ahead with it...

[Ms Darcy]

I think the point was that you were the one who decided to date knowing you would leave not that you were the one who decided you would leave.

 

I think you are overly attached to this guy and way too soon.

 

Yet another "he shoulda" ... in dating. He's doing what's in his best interest. Not what's in yours. He wants to enjoy now and not pursue long-term. Think that through.

[catfeeder]

How far out of country are you going, and would any visits over the 10 months be possible?

[Peanut450]

Yeah I realise that I am probably overly attached. Although I've dated a lot I rarely meet anyone that I see such potential with,.i just think so much of this guy. Maybe it is premature but I generally tend to fall hard when I do and I find it hard to keep myself detached and my emotions in check when I'm really into someone. Perhaps this is partly immaturity, as I said I feel I need these ten months to grow but at the moment I can't see past the fact of probably losing this amazing guy. I don't think someone like this will come into my life again..

[Peanut450]

I'm moving 5 hours away..5 hours by plane. Perhaps visits will be possible..I stupidly told him I'm all or nothing about this though but I'm regretting this now as I realise I'm probably asking too much..

[Ms Darcy]

I'm moving 5 hours away..5 hours by plane. Perhaps visits will be possible..I stupidly told him I'm all or nothing about this though but I'm regretting this now as I realise I'm probably asking too much..

 

I think it's also possible that he's not thinking long-term because some of the stuff you are saying (being all or nothing) has scared him off you for a long-term relationship.

[Peanut450]

Would I be best off backing off??i just don't know what to do.,.i hate uncertainty and I hate not knowing where I stand. I feel that if I stay my confidence isn't high enough to maintain a proper relationship with this type of independent man. I just don't feel on a par with him and if I had more faith in myself I probably wouldn't be so panicked that he'd meet someone else in ten months. I know I need this time away to grow and perhaps then we'd have a good chance of it working out as we'd be on a more even playing field. From the outside looking in, I probably appear that I'm a good match for this guy but deep down I know I need to work on myself and my self eestem before I'd truly be a match for This guy. I'm afraid he sees that and that will deter him from staying in contact when I'm away. As I said , if I had more confidence in myself and my abilities, aside from my looks I feel that this guy probably would be around in ten months time to give it a shot with

[missmarple]

First of all, don't stay just because of him. Second, 10 months is a long time. You're worrying about him meeting someone else but how do you know that YOU won't meet someone else? Or that he wouldn't meet someone else even if you got into a relationship and you decided not to leave? There are no guarantees in love and relationships, you know.

What I would do if I were you is a/definitely go on the trip, b/tell the guy that I really like him and I'd like to stay in contact with him while I'm away and c/stop worrying so much. I know it's easier said than done but you have to realise that not everything is under your control.

You need to do what's best for you at this point...if a relationship develops when you're back, great. If not, then, it wasn't meant to be.

[SoulTaker]

I've already given an option you can take (post #14). It allows you to go on your trip (top priority), and maintain communications with him (stay in the loop). What is it with this solution that you're not in agreement with?

[mhowe]

Actually, since you put the expiration date on this --- that would have been very foolish of him to do.

 

You shouldn't have started dating to begin with.

[Peanut450]

I have continued to date him and he told me that he would like to see how it goes when I'm away and that he could plan a trip over in the next few months. This has been all coming from him. He also stepped up the level of contact. However!!! We haven't yet slept together due to a variety of circumstances and missed opportunities but we had the opportunity the other night and he fobbed me off!!!theres a big attraction between us and I would be considered to be very attractive so what is going on? Is he one of the rare guys out there who won't have sex incase of getting more involved?! I got annoyed about it as I feel he has told me that he'd like to give it a go, when I pulled back after getting turned down he told me he doesn't want to leave this but yet he won't sleep with me?! What is with the mixed signals?!!!!